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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Can someone come and say something to make me feel better? Inappropriate DH?

45 replies

McMummy · 08/03/2009 16:01

Ok,
My dh and I have been married for nearly 11 years - we got married quickly when he was 22.

He is generally a good guy, good dad, supportive etc.

I have never thought he was unfaithful, but he does some really stupid things. Like:
He went on a skiing trip (boys trip - I am fine with that). His Facebook page (a year and a half later) showed a "friend" who said they "hooked up". He said he and all his friends just partied with her and her friends one night - he put their details into his phone and invited everyone on his contact list to be his Facebook friend. I don't believe he did anything, but I don't like him getting other people's details, and them saying they "hooked up". It can have 2 meanings, and its embarassing.

The next year, even though he promised me he wasn't going skiing again (this was before Facebook, and before I found out about the "hooking up"

A while later I found out about a 2nd phone. He said he just liked the phone (he has a work one, so didn't need one), and didn't want to tell me as he felt guilty about spending the money.

While at a wedding, he was pissed and upset at the death of a family member. We all were back at the B&B, and about 5 of us were about to go into a room - my friend was already in the room. He closed the door on all us and locked it. After 2 mins he unlocked the door then went and lay on the bed and put his head on my friends lap.

It took me awhile to get over that - I was so embarassed.
After that, he worked from home for awhile and our realationship really got back on track. I felt we had rebuilt our relationship.

Then last night I saw on his Facebook inbox that he was planning on meeting a 19 year old girl (who he met at a festival) for drinks. They exchanged phone numbers via email.
He didn't actually go (next email was to apologise for not being able to make it)

So, I am gutted. I really don't believe he has been unfaithful. But very thoughtless, stupid, and perhaps playing with fire.

Somebody tell me something that can somehow make it all good.

I don't think anything can make this good.

Congrats for making it to the bottom!

OP posts:

Janos · 08/03/2009 20:33

Yes, doesn't sound like much like "Mr Innocent" now. Sorry. I think he knows very well what he's doing.

Do you have much support around McMummy, friends if not family?

Original poster

McMummy · 08/03/2009 21:02

My family are not in the country, but are supportive. I do have some fantastic friends - but only one knows about all this. She is fab, but is in S Africa.
However, if we were to split up, i do have some very good, supportive friends.

OP posts:

Janos · 08/03/2009 21:24

It's great that you have lots of friends. Friends are what get you through the difficult times, IME .

Have you thought about what you want to do McMummy or are you not 'there' yet?

Original poster

McMummy · 08/03/2009 21:42

I don't know.
I just think that if he feels unappreciated (which is of course an excuse - i do see that ) at a time when I felt we were great, then I can't do any better.

I know some people have said he's for sure cheating, and in my heart I don't believe he is. Yet. I just worry that in a few years time he will go a bit too far. Someone will reciprocate and he will cheat.

I think I need to think about it for a few days. All I ever wanted for my children was a happy home with 2 happy parents.

OP posts:

Janos · 08/03/2009 22:11

Why not concentrate on yourself for a few days and think about what you want to do, McMummy, before you make any decisions. You know your DH.

Hope you're ok.

nkf · 08/03/2009 22:15

I'd say that he is probably being unfaithful. At the very least, he's looking for opportunitie to be unfaithful. Sorry. I don't think that's what you want to hear but I think it's likely.

Original poster

McMummy · 08/03/2009 22:18

Thanks janos - I think that is what i will do

OP posts:

MinkyBorage · 08/03/2009 22:21

I can't believe that you think he isn't being unfaithful, and you describe him as dumbass rather than devious! He's got a secret phone, pays for skiing trips without telling you........... You sound like you are in denial, and being very naive. I hope you're right and I'm wrong though. Best of luck.

DeeBlindMice · 08/03/2009 22:21

Are you relying on your marriage to him for your residency? Have you applied for citizenship?

His little boy lost act is embarrassingly transparent.

He doesn't seem to understand why he does a lot of things or have any control over his actions. Either he's seriously unstable with severe mental health issues or possible early-onset dementia, or a major substance abuse problem, or he's a lying, manipulative scumbag who has completely pulled the wool over your eyes.

notsoclever · 09/03/2009 08:15

Hi McMummy, you say that in your heart you don't believe he is cheating, and your instincts may well be right. But there are also things going on which you are not comfortable with - and you need to get these sorted out.

Perhaps he just makes decisions impulsively without thinking things through, and his judgment on what is right / appropriate is not very good. I know some people who are like that in lots of different respects - they buy things that they realise later they don't want/need; they agree to things that they later regret and cancel; they get involved in risky projects or businesses.. These people are a delight to salesmen, but can be a nightmare for their partners.

Good counselling can help with his decision making / impulsiveness. Hopefully he can learn to control this before it undermines your relationship completely.

Original poster

McMummy · 09/03/2009 10:56

Thanks notsoclever
I would love to go to counselling - but he says he won't go as he thinks "everything will be his fault".

Unless he changes his mind, I really don't see any future with him.

OP posts:

AnyFucker · 09/03/2009 11:29

of course "it will be his fault"

because his behaviour is "at fault"

could you go to counselling on your own? It might help you to pin down just how much unreasonable treatment you are prepared to tolerate and how to handle your thoughts in the future

often, when you are in the middle of a situation, it is very difficult to act with clarity

PlumBumMum · 09/03/2009 11:45

I always think that sometimes on mn everyone is quick to say he's def cheating, BUT this thread has surprised me, (normally I think the person isn't cheating)

But as everyone said the 2nd phone is abit worrying, your dh is having his cake and eating it, not necessarily cheating on you but sounds like he's going out and acting like he's single , his behaviour is inappropriate

Original poster

McMummy · 09/03/2009 13:16

Thanks everyone
We just had another talk, and although he says he would be hurt if I made plans with another man and kept it secret, he still says that he has done nothing, and doesn't know why I am upset: he "didn't do anything".

I am very quickly losing perspective here. So, is it wrong? Am i just being overly jealous?

OP posts:

PlumBumMum · 09/03/2009 13:22

Just because he hasn't done anything physically dosen't mean he hasn't done anything wrong, he was planning on going for drinks with a 19 yr old who he's never met before, this is very wrong and you are not being overly jealous

Original poster

McMummy · 09/03/2009 13:26

He had met her - at a Festival. He said everyone was chatting (a bunch of them were amateur photographers, and she was one of them)
I don't know if that made it better or worse.

OP posts:

traceybath · 09/03/2009 13:28

You are not losing perspective - i totally agree with Hecate and Tony Almeida.

He may not yet have cheated but secretly arranging drinks with a 19 year old is certainly thinking seriously about it.

Also i'd be wanting to know exactly what happened when he 'hooked up' with the girl on holiday - i thought that meant more than just having drinks together.

If he can't see why you're pissed off then he's being deliberately obtuse.

PlumBumMum · 09/03/2009 13:31

Sorry I did read that, still don't think its right, I really think he is trying to lead the single life and just because he hasn't actually cheated on you, he thinks its okay,

but the time and effort he is putting into socialising with other people he could be putting into spending with you iyswim

Original poster

McMummy · 12/03/2009 12:09

Hi
Just a bit of an update....DH has now agreed to go to counselling.
Thing is, I think he has so many issues, that I think he needs to go for a bit of counselling on his own. He agreed to go just to save our marriage/make me happy, but I'm not convinced he wants to really sort it out.

OP posts:

ktjj84 · 12/03/2009 13:20

I hate FB, it causes so many problems! Its a young immature website. I would get him to close his FB account.

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