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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Tell me what to do.

42 replies

notbloodybranston · 08/03/2009 00:03

Sorry -it's quite long.

Together for nine years, married for five years. DD is 4.5/DS is one next month.

I have a job I love, our kids love their nursery. DH and I are happy and content - though we have to work at it as we have a tendancy to bicker. But most of the time we laugh and are very affectionate.

DH was adamant after DS was born that he didn't want any more kids and he was desperate to have a vascetomy. We weighed up the pros and cons (we are both 33). I pointed out to him that I could get broody in a few years and resent him. However, as I wasn't certain that I wanted more children, and he was so sure, I wouldn't stop him. So the op was done five weeks ago.

I am fine about it, and am concentrating on getting healthy. I finally found a drug to control my mild form of epilepsy and am counting down the weeks until I can drive for the first time since I had lessons at 17. I am losing weight (loving Slimming World) although I have a very long way to go and have signed up for various 5/10K races this year. I have joined a gymn and am actually finding muscles I never knew I had.

Last night we had sex and we managed to split the condom. DH freaked out and hit the internet. I can't take the morning after pill (or any other hormonal medication) as I had CVA on the pill in my 20s. The epilepsy medication I currently take is seriously harmful to any potential baby.

I know you are probably thinking we are panicking over nothing. But I was spot on for ovulation yesterday, we have got pregnant on the first attempt for both our children and, according to the literature DH was given, he could well still be producing sperm.

DH appears to be having some sort of mental breakdown on the sofa. He is desparate for me to get the emergency coil fitted. But I want to give this a chance. I know we agreed to his sterilisation but I said that I agreed because it was his body and his decision. Now it's my body and my decision and if by some EXTREME miracle we have managed to conceive 5 weeks after a vascetomy then it's meant to be and we have to get on with it. He is not sulking and accepts this, but looks absolutely wild and almost grief stricken.

Financially we could be fine as long as we both keep our jobs. I would be losing a lot of my current hopes (weight/epilepsy/driving) but I don't want to get the coil.But he is taking it so badly and thinks he will resent another baby.

So, what would you do? What should I do?

OP posts:
dizzydixies · 08/03/2009 00:21

wait and see, there is no point in worrying yourself stupid until you find out if you are pregnant or not

it doesn't have to ruin all your wonderful plans, it just puts some of them on hold slightly - you can continue to loose weight whilst pregnant as long as you do it sensibly and you can keep training for your runs by either running/walking or swimming etc

you haven't technically started driving again yet so that would have to wait a bit longer - a PITA I agree but at least you know it will come

I'm a great believer in whats meant for you won't go past you but then I'm not the one with the distraught husband - has he explained to you WHY he is so against another child?

if it was me I'd wait and see - you could be worrying about nothing at the moment

sorry am not more helpful, I should've been in bed hours ago

TheButterflyEffect · 08/03/2009 00:23

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

OldLadyKnowsNothing · 08/03/2009 00:31

I can see how both of you feel. It's an odd place to find yourself, when "the decision" had been taken, and now everything's up in the air again.

Would it help your DH if he thought about how often you've had sex/he's ejaculated in the past five weeks? (Maybe, if that's a big number, maybe not if it's in single figures.)

rudolfhess · 08/03/2009 00:33

In the same situation I had a coil fitted.

I think you both made the decision re the vasectomy. and now, to him, it must seem that the tables are turned.
He went through all the stress and pain of the op- and now you won't match that.

Sorry- I do totally understand, I had to make the same decision and it wasn't at all easy.

Original poster
notbloodybranston · 08/03/2009 00:33

Dizzy - my thoughts exactly. I don't see the point in worrying until my period does or does not arrive.

TheButterflyEffect - I've tried googling but the terminology used is vague or beyond my ken. I take Keppra 500mg twice a day. It just says not suitable for use during pregnancy. We can ring the consultant on Monday.

I'm fine/happily optimistic that what will be will be (Doris Day is now wafting round my head). Husband is vaguely suicidal and seems to think that I need to make a decision now to get the coil fitted by Tuesday. Am too tired to research this - he's a daft bugger.

OP posts:
JodieO · 08/03/2009 00:35

I think it depends on how many times he's ejaculated since the op, it takes a fair few to clear all the tubes out. Same with my ex h.

rudolfhess · 08/03/2009 00:36

The copper coil can be fitted as an emergcncy contraception up to 5 days after intercourse.
i can't remember how effective it is- but is pretty effective.

HTH

Original poster
notbloodybranston · 08/03/2009 00:36

OLKN/RH - he does feel like I have done a complete U-Turn. But I've told him that the decision to have the vascetomy was his and that he knew I was passively going along with it.

Thanks for your messages. Stupid problem that will probably turn out fine but it's unexpected and has left us confused.

Rudolfhess - is there a time limit on getting the coil fitted?

OP posts:
Original poster
notbloodybranston · 08/03/2009 00:38

sorry - crossed messages

Probably TMI (and I really hope that no one from RL is on here) but we estimated that he had had 12 ejaculations in the last four weeks (he had none in the first week following the op due to the fact he was walking like John Wayne)

OP posts:
OldLadyKnowsNothing · 08/03/2009 00:42

Oh. That's not really that many, is it?

[unsure which kind of emoticon would be suitable]

Original poster
notbloodybranston · 08/03/2009 00:45

No - but am completely confused about how it works. The ducts (tubes/veins) are cut and then closed off. Why is he not automatically sterille? Do they cut behind a store of sperm that then has to be emptied - I DID do GCSE biology but that was my last brush with science.

OP posts:
OldLadyKnowsNothing · 08/03/2009 00:53

I think they cut the tube that relays sperm from where they're made, outwards, but there will be some stored elsewhere in the balls.

rudolfhess · 08/03/2009 00:55

Sorryabout the name- I changed for something else and haven't changed back.

As I said, the coil can be put in within 5 days.

I suppose you need to really think hard about what might happen.

I knew that I wanted to keep my life stable with DH and not rock it any further.
I creid and it was pretty grim but I chalked it up to experience and now I'm fine.

There wasn't ever a baby- it was just a possibility. It wasn't like having an abortion, but it did bring it home to me that there were to be no more children in the house. And it made me cuddle the ones I've got a bit more for a while

I suppose really it's a bit late- but I do have masses of sympathy for your DH. he thought it was decided and now, to him, you're seeming to negate the whole horrible experience he's just had.

Sorry to be the "other "voice here, but I do think you need to see his point of view here.

LoveBeingAMummy · 08/03/2009 05:23

Bless him, there he is being all decisive and going through with something and that piece of rubber goes and ruins all his hard work. I can understand why he has reacted like this and agree waiting till a period does oe doesn't arrive is not good enough.

You may need to tread carefully or find he won't have sex til he's had the all clear that he is no longer producing little branstons!

DeeBlindMice · 08/03/2009 07:26

I think having a vasectomy when you know your wife might want more children is horrible.

He didn't take your feelings into consideration and just went ahead and now is trying to railroad you into taking steps you are not comfortable with.

As for resenting any resultant baby? That kind of emotional blackmail is beneath contempt.

I would tell him to give the dramatics a rest. He set a precedent when he took the decision to go ahead with a vasectomy - now you get to make unilateral decisions about your fertility.

Original poster
notbloodybranston · 08/03/2009 08:28

Morning

DH slept on sofa last night - and is polite but distant this morning. There was no row -he just didn't come up to bed.

got to go - kids calling

OP posts:
DeeBlindMice · 08/03/2009 09:23

Be polite but distant in response. He's trying to manipulate you.

TheButterflyEffect · 08/03/2009 10:07

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Original poster
notbloodybranston · 08/03/2009 10:40

Thanks for that info TheButterflyEffect. I know that I'm not on a high dose and stopped taking it as soon as it became possible I was pregnant.

Dee - that's exactly what I'm doing now. And he's on the same tactics.

We had a brief conversation during our DS's nap. He is soley concentrating on the possibility of a disabled child/me selfishly affecting the lives of our current children. On the one hand I feel like reacting like a bored teenager - it's surely unlikely that I'm pregnant, it's a waste of breath talking and sulking about it and it'll probably be fine. On the other hand I feel very much that if by a slim chance I am pregnant then (and I am NOT a Pro Lifer, I am Pro Choice) it's child and it's mine and I don't care what's wrong with it, it deserves a chance.

He a gone out with DS and I am ignoring DD so must go and play "teachers".

OP posts:
DeeBlindMice · 08/03/2009 11:00

What nonsense, you can just counter that he is selfishly affecting your existing children by denying them a sibling they would love.

It is so ridiculous and nasty to try to bring your children into his attempts at manipulating you. As for his remarks about a baby possibly being disabled, that is really low. He is disgracing himself right now.

TheButterflyEffect · 08/03/2009 11:40

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

rudolfhess · 08/03/2009 17:41

I'm sorry it hasn't resolved between you.

I hope you get a bit of space to think and sort yourselves ot.

What a shame

You said you were fine about it in hthe first post, but it's so hard isn't it.

i really do sympathise and wish you luck- but I do feel some sympathy for your DH too- you obvisouy agreed at some point- or you'd have prevented him somehow...

He's probably frightened- not mainpulative....

rudolfhess · 08/03/2009 17:45

oh, and I do have direct contact with my nephew who was damaged by medication dureing preg- another medication- sodium valproate.

He's fine, but there are issues. I knwo my sister took good advice and if you are thinking seriosuly about the pregnacy and baby- I think i'd get an appt with your specialist soon as you can.

I've acolleague going through the same and she's had some really good supportive care thruough her preg, so it is possible and people do do it

Her 20 week scan was fine!

Original poster
notbloodybranston · 08/03/2009 23:49

Thanks for your messages - He's on the sofa again - no real explanation why. Ringing consultant's secretary tomorrow to beg for a telephone consul (GP is happy to admit that epilepsy is not his area of expertise).

ho hum.. Can't help but think that if I am NOT pregnant DH will suddenly act as if everything is fine. Whereas I am having a bit of an epiphany (can't spell - I am too tired and it is too late)about our relationship. I feel completely alone - can't talk to family. Two best mates and I did laugh about it (I've not told them the full extent of what he has said/done- so they are coming at it from a "it could only happen to you" school of comedy) but I actually want to cry not laugh at us and the ridiculousness of this.

Poo.

OP posts:
rudolfhess · 08/03/2009 23:59

Sorry, I keep posting.
I didn't want my last post to come across as crass.
My nephew did have some birth defects due to the medication.
The physical ones arne't major- and surgery ahs corrected them.

He also has a development delay and this may be due to him having problems at birth, totaly unrelated to the mediacteion- but nobody can say.

He's fab though and we love him

I think your DH is being blunt and his concerns aren't coming out very well. He sounds freaked out BTH vs manipulative.
My Dh would be the same I think.

It is hard when withing a relationship you fundamentally disgree about something liek this.
I would never have considered a termination for ds2 once he was concieved. But I went through all of the tests because DH was worried (we are a bit older than you two)
I think he beleieved that we would have made "choices" if there were problems.

I have no axe to grind here-I wanted to amke that clear, even though I made a decision to have the emergency coil fitted when in the same situation as you.
I'm just trying to say that the drugs can be a problem- you need to get good advice. But having re read the thread, I'm worried that you've stopped them....

Anyway, I hope you are talking with your DH and sorting something out just now and I justwant to send you some sympathy and a late night hug.

(sorry about the name- i changed earlier and then forgot to change back- it was for the WBD hilter thread- It seems complelety inappriopraite here- I didn't realise last night that i was still a nazi. . I'm not usually an offensive person )