Tell me what to do.

[notbloodybranston]

Sorry -it's quite long.

Together for nine years, married for five years. DD is 4.5/DS is one next month.

I have a job I love, our kids love their nursery. DH and I are happy and content - though we have to work at it as we have a tendancy to bicker. But most of the time we laugh and are very affectionate.

DH was adamant after DS was born that he didn't want any more kids and he was desperate to have a vascetomy. We weighed up the pros and cons (we are both 33). I pointed out to him that I could get broody in a few years and resent him. However, as I wasn't certain that I wanted more children, and he was so sure, I wouldn't stop him. So the op was done five weeks ago.

I am fine about it, and am concentrating on getting healthy. I finally found a drug to control my mild form of epilepsy and am counting down the weeks until I can drive for the first time since I had lessons at 17. I am losing weight (loving Slimming World) although I have a very long way to go and have signed up for various 5/10K races this year. I have joined a gymn and am actually finding muscles I never knew I had.

Last night we had sex and we managed to split the condom. DH freaked out and hit the internet. I can't take the morning after pill (or any other hormonal medication) as I had CVA on the pill in my 20s. The epilepsy medication I currently take is seriously harmful to any potential baby.

I know you are probably thinking we are panicking over nothing. But I was spot on for ovulation yesterday, we have got pregnant on the first attempt for both our children and, according to the literature DH was given, he could well still be producing sperm.

DH appears to be having some sort of mental breakdown on the sofa. He is desparate for me to get the emergency coil fitted. But I want to give this a chance. I know we agreed to his sterilisation but I said that I agreed because it was his body and his decision. Now it's my body and my decision and if by some EXTREME miracle we have managed to conceive 5 weeks after a vascetomy then it's meant to be and we have to get on with it. He is not sulking and accepts this, but looks absolutely wild and almost grief stricken.

Financially we could be fine as long as we both keep our jobs. I would be losing a lot of my current hopes (weight/epilepsy/driving) but I don't want to get the coil.But he is taking it so badly and thinks he will resent another baby.

So, what would you do? What should I do?

Your messages are really helpful - don't apologise! Went off to google sodium valporate and realised I used to be on it (I think it is Epilim). So sorry about your nephew's delays. Can I just ask - did your sister/sister in law take the medication throughout her pregnancy and what did the doctors say to her?

I did wonder about the name....

Yeam she did, becuas ethe epilepsy would have been a big big problem for her.

She took extra folic acid to try to prevent spinal.nerve development problems too.
there's various bits of research about that.

I'm a bit uncomfortable about going into massive specifics- but my DN had extra digits that can be associated with the meds.
The rest of his problems are maybe attribuatable to the trauma involved in his birht (unrelated) or to the meds- they jsut don't know.

And my friend at work kept her preg secret until the 20 week scan- as she was too worried. I guessed she was preg, but nobody else did.
In the end it was her, her DH and immediate line manager and me that knew.
she's had alot of probs controlling the epilepsy and is struggling with it. But, again, that may just be her, and the next person be fine.

Ohh, i'm sititng here wanting to give you a hug becuase it must be so ard.
I decided to haeva coil in the end as I'm 43 and dh is 53 and we have two fab little boys and the thught of a whole pregnancy and new baby and all was a bit too much.
I was sad and mourned for what could have been, but it was abit of arite of passwage.
I knwo now there will be no more babies and it's good to have a moment to let that in, think it and then let it out. If that makes sense.

is he still behaving like a selfish childish arse?

he's in this with you too and him camping out on the sofa isn't helping one little bit

make sure he bloody well stays there even if you aren't pregnant - some serious grovelling at least

am very on your behalf

One selfish childish arse - check.

One call to specialist - check

One call to GP - check

Thanks Dizzy.

right, time to start treating selfish arse like a selfish arse then

off you pop out for a lovely girly day ignoring him and let him make his own fecking tea etc

what did the consultant say?

Let dizzy give you her muffin / cupcake recipe, and you will soon forget your childish dh. Add dollops of youghurt and jam, white choc chips, and you are in for a treat.

oh sorry.

Not a recipe you were after.
I dont have any other advice.

QS would love to lay claim to it but was from a book - have you tried the white chocolate mud cake? its sex in a cake

sex in a cake eh?
I thought that was an apple pie.....

No I havent tried it, but if you have the recipe, please share!

no apple pie is sex in a cake for them, this one is def for the ladies

shall find a link!

yes please.

here

was receipe of the week [preen]

Hi branston

Keppra is a fairly newish drug and there is currently no evidence to suggest it causes birth defects (as opposed to sodium valporate). If you could be pregnant than you should be taking 5mg folic acid (large dose, only available on prescription) a lot of GPs don't know this. I doubt your consultant would start to mess around with your meds at this stage as they are working well for you. It is also recommended to only take one type of med during pregnancy so if he was to swap you over (to, say, Lamotrigine which is considered safe for pregnancy) then you would have a cross over period where you were taking two drugs and moving onto another drug that might not possibly work for you.

I know this might all be academic for you but thought this info might be useful. sounds like your husband's total distress at the thought of another pregnancy might be more of a problem!

nipping back on

Thanks for the info thegreatescape. Called GPs this moring but GP also wouldn't speak to me (seem to be having this effect on men at the moment).

The lovely receptionist appears to have slightly cocked up my message. My request for a) a discussion on Keppra and b) how likely it is that DH is still producing sperm 5 weeks after turned into a request for a safe morning after pill. So receptionist called me back saying GP had left a prescription for a "safe" morning after pill (safe as in it's ok for me to take with my history of blood clots). Kind of throwing another possibility into the mix that is my mind.

The consultant's secretary is over at the Walton Centre in Liverpool and she is trying to track down an epilespy nurse to call.

Thegreatescape - are you a medic? My epilepsy is mycolonic jerks only - no "grand mal" so I am lucky (except in the mornings when I tend to fall over/drop things a lot).

Off to mark exam papers and go into work on my day off (but in my mind I am having a girly pampering day).

Hi branston. I'm a nurse but also have epilepsy. My seizures have been grand mal and myoclonic jerks also. I was also on sodium valporate but was changed when wanted to conceive (valporate also known as Epilim is now known to cause 'neural tube' defects, e.g. spina bifida, and cleft palate). I was changed to Lamotrigine and had a successful pregnancy (with folic acid 5mg). However, the Lamotrigine didn't really control my myoclonic jerks as well (not sure if this is why you have also changed to Keppra). I'm now on Keppra which has controlled all seizures brilliantly. I am ttc no. 2 and have been told as far as research goes to date, Keppra is ok for pregnancy. Obviously ideally, no-one would take drugs during pregnancy but if you have to, then its not proved to be damaging.

Not sure its wise for your gP to prescribe morning after pill for you with your history without even seeing you. Receptionists are like bloody rottweilers sometimes. Would make appointment with your gp so you can actually speak to him. Although I often find they look up questions on meds etc on the internet (I'm thinking, I could have bloody done that myself!)

Best of luck and have a good day. Just ask if you have any other questions and I will try and help.

IIRC my DH's vasectomy leaflet said we should "flush the pipes through" 15-20 times before testing. So your 14 times may not be too short of the mark. Although DH did say it said 20 times, but I think he was angling for more shags, frankly.

Our DS2 was an unplanned conception (before vasectomy, long story). I think it was both our faults but mostly DH's. He thinks it was both our faults but mostly mine. I am, of course, right.

We found out when I tested "for reassurance" because my period was late. It was an immense shock. We had often said that although we didn't want another baby it wouldn't be the end of the world if I did accidentally get PG. But to look at DH after the news, you'd have thought it was the end of the world. He was really cold and off with me. He kept saying that although we would love the baby when it came, it would affect the other two DCs really badly - they would really lose out. Plus loads of other negative stuff about how it would affect his our quality of life.

Of course it was all fine in the end but DH still comes out with this negative stuff from time to time. I don't know if it's a man thing or a DH thing but I can't bear this talk of: "DS2 is wonderful but you must admit that if we didn't have him we'd have been able to have a wonderful holiday this year." I know he loves DS2 with all his heart. And I know that we would have had a great holiday if we'd only had 2 kids instead of three. But I would rather have my three kids thanks. I don't know what he is trying to say/wants me to say. I think he simply needs to say it, have his little moan about feeling a bit trapped as a father of three in a way he didn't feel trapped as a father of two, and that this is not at all connected to his feelings for DS2, whom he would cheerfully dive under a bus for.

Sorry I am not managing to put over what I want to say very well at all. I suppose I mean that your DH is probably focusing on his dismay at the situation at the moment, and yes it isn't his finest hour. But he is entitled to his own emotions about your potential unplanned pregnancy just as you are entitled to yours. As long as he doesn't put any actual pressure on you to do as he would like, I should let him get on with it. Eventually, he will get over himself.