marriage with no or litle sex, or leave?

[squashmonkey]

dh and i have hardly had sex ofr even slept in same room most of the time for last 3 years. I really like and probably love him (be not really attracted to him) but we have a really unhealthy way of dealing with stress or often even the slightest problem. I get very upset and emotional and wanty to talk for hours - he doesn't, just eventually gets nagry and can say very hurtful things and can be quite intimidating. This is unlikely to change, have had counselling and counsellor agressw e will probably always be stuck in this cycle of behaviour. He can also be very king, considerate, generous and helpful and has said if we do split up, we can always be friends - we have a 2 yo ds. I don't want a relationship without sex - he says he still fancies me and wants but because i'm often so negative about our relationship, we both withdraw from eachother. I just don't know what to know and feel like i'm going mad. I just want to make a decision and stick with it

Are you happy?

I don;t think the sex issue is the problem, more the stress issue, which is causing the stress issue.

as hecate asks, are you happy??

No. often feel anxious and not "close" to dh. he alsmost feels like a father figure in some ways ( had terrribel relationship with my own father, wh is now dead) and dh makes me feel like a looked after litle girl sometimes but he alos makes me feel terrible when he says spiteful things and uses things i trusted him with agains me. eg i told him iwondered if my love for him was more child/parent and later when we were arguing he told me to "grow up" and not act like a child. When i was trying to come off anti depressants a few yrs ago and i told him i was trying, later that eve i got all stressed about something and he angrily said" this is what happens when you stop your pills" and after hours or rowing on and off told me i needed then to make me a likeable person. I'm ashamed to say i hit him when he said that as i was sot hurt, and he slapped me back

Have you considered counselling on your own? It doesn't sound like either of your ways of coping with stress is great.

I am also a 'want to talk indefinately' sort of person, or used to be. These days I generally write to myself about what's going on, to put my thoughts in order, and then think about a conversation with DH.

Yes, i've has counselling on my own too . I do deal with stress a bit better than i used to but think i may always feel anxious with dh if i stay with him because of all that's happened before

I feel really sad for you hug. As a child of divorced parents, I would say you should try to work things out....but also am glad my parents split up as they are both much happier - I wonder how they ever got together. It sounds like there is something still there between you and DH though, but that other things have got in the way. Life does sometimes get in the way of things. Have you tried getting away together - not to have sex, just 'date' and spend time together? Remember what it is that you love about the man? Perhaps just ask him on a date next week? Just go out - perhaps meet after work, so can get ready as per a 'normal' date? - for dinner/drink and treat it like a real date. Don't talk about DC or any other problems, just about current affairs, books, films, etc. We did this a lot when I was going through a stressful time and relationship was suffering - really helped for us. Gave me self-esteem too - esp when making an effort to go out. Liked having no pressure for sex on these occasions too. Sorry, bit long....

Has he had counselling on his own? It sounds like quite unpleasant fights. Are you still seeing the couples counsellor? Are you still seeing your counsellor?

It sounds like you're looking for 'permission' to leave. It's really your decision.

Your relationship sounds terrible .

I don't think you need couple counselling (or that couple counselling will help your relationship), I think you need psychotherapy on your own. Have your tried that at all?

He went on his own too - made very little, if any difference. You're right, maybe i am asking for "permission". It seems so terrible to break up our little family. I also wish my parents had divorced when i was yoinger and i think maybe my mums wishes they had but she never had the courage to go ahead

Bonsoir - terrible in what way? Why do you think i need therapy? Have seen counsellor alot on my own

Beantin - we've tried going on dates, etc and we always have a nice time. We can have good "happy" times together. It's dealing with conflict, stress, etc which we can't do together.

A relationship where there is no sex, where you would like your DH to be a father-figure who you are looking to for protection... this is awful. You need some proper psychotherapy to help you understand what a proper adult man-woman relationship is all about.

How dh is ai also very dependant on how i am, if i withdraw, he gives up. If i'm upset (even if not about something he's done) he takes it personally. he was very unsupportive when i was pregnant and once during a row when i was pregnant ( i had earlier bee worrying about the pregnancy) and i got really upset and suted "go ahead and kill your baby then". I think he thought my stress and upset may harm the baby but his words hurt so much. I also got high bp towards end of pg, again proably because of our rowing, he made little attempt to stop when we found out

Your' right Bonsoir - i think this is what the counsellign has made me realise. it seems so terribel to break up our family tho

Honestly squashmonkey, you really need lots of help (more than you will be able to get from MN). You and your DH are not having a proper adult loving and mutually-supportive relationship.

Before breaking up your family, I really think you need some therapy. This might well mean divorce, but you will be in a better, more mature frame of mind when you do divorce.

I agree with BonsoirAnna, you need to work out what a husband is, and your role as a woman in this relationship.

I feel that the counselling i've had has helped. When dh and i met i was very needy butsince having ds, i feel i've grown up a bit and can even even more flaws in our marriage

Did you recently have an op, a familymember of your dh marry recently?

I think i know what i'd like a husban/partner to be and how i'd like to be but not sure dh and i can achieve that. i'd like us to be mutually supportive, fancy eachother and have good sex, feel close and "safe" with eachother and know we always have eachother's best interests at heart, have fun together,deal with conflict in a non confrontational way and in a ways that "resolves" the issue rather than burying it - giving ds a good example of how a partnership should be

FannyWaglour - no op and no wedding recently either. Why?!!

not to worry, I was wondering if you were another poster, something you said about shouting at you in pregnancy, I was just wondering for a moment if you were somebody else.

Oh, ok. From what i've read on here i don;t think i'm the oly person to be shouted at when pg, unfortunatley

Um, I don't think your relationship sounds terrible at all! (But maybe I'm odd )

It's not good obviously - but there are lots of positives here in your op:

1. You really like and probably love him

1. He still wants sex

1. If you split up he wants to still be friends forever (so your underlying relationship is good - because let's face it - what underpins a good marriage is a good friendship)

1. He can be kind and generous and helpful

And why is your counsellor in his job if he feels there is no possibility of change for every couple he meets? I don't think that was a helpful comment at all.

It just sounds as if you are both are bit too "fused together" (NOT in a good way).

Is there anything you can DO (something practical) to work on your independence such as a college course or a different job?

If you feel more confident and chipper in yourself you may start seeing your dh in a different light - he may treat you in a different way - and you may start fancying him again!!

In my (admittedly limited) experience - men don't want to talk for hours - they tend to be much more objective focused. (I know this is a dreadful stereotype but there's some truth in it!) I think they respond better to ACTION!

Good luck. I'm sure there is much to be salvaged from your relationship. And don't under-estimate the impact of having a 2 yr old on your sex life!!

To be honest, most people I know who have been through counselling either individually or together and then have subsequently split up, have NOT been much happier. They have just replaced one set of problems with a different sort of equally difficult ones (partic where dc are involved).

(um, and I can't count!! )