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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

marriage with no or litle sex, or leave?

49 replies

squashmonkey · 06/03/2009 10:44

dh and i have hardly had sex ofr even slept in same room most of the time for last 3 years. I really like and probably love him (be not really attracted to him) but we have a really unhealthy way of dealing with stress or often even the slightest problem. I get very upset and emotional and wanty to talk for hours - he doesn't, just eventually gets nagry and can say very hurtful things and can be quite intimidating. This is unlikely to change, have had counselling and counsellor agressw e will probably always be stuck in this cycle of behaviour. He can also be very king, considerate, generous and helpful and has said if we do split up, we can always be friends - we have a 2 yo ds. I don't want a relationship without sex - he says he still fancies me and wants but because i'm often so negative about our relationship, we both withdraw from eachother. I just don't know what to know and feel like i'm going mad. I just want to make a decision and stick with it

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Original poster

squashmonkey · 06/03/2009 11:54

Counsellor thought there was some hope for us to start with but dh agreed to do somethings in the counselling session (which have been asn issue for ages) and still hasn't done them, apparently because i was being negative. BUT he has done othet things to try to help SO why on earth couldn't he have doe the one thing he agreed to do (all it was was to arrange for us to go out for the evening) and he didn't bother.

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Original poster

squashmonkey · 06/03/2009 11:57

Counsellor thinks that if he can't even make the effort to do that and is still behaving horribly if we have difficult conversations (eg mimicing me, using trusted info against me) there is little hope, exp when he knows i'm so close to leaving. She thinks this is the time he should be doing all he can, not making excuses

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BonsoirAnna · 06/03/2009 12:01

"To be honest, most people I know who have been through counselling either individually or together and then have subsequently split up, have NOT been much happier. They have just replaced one set of problems with a different sort of equally difficult ones (partic where dc are involved)."

My experience is the complete opposite - I know lots of happy second couples/marriages - but all the people involved have done lots of therapy and worked hard at their relationships.

Original poster

squashmonkey · 06/03/2009 12:03

That's enouraging Bonsoir

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BonsoirAnna · 06/03/2009 12:08

Yes - it is encouraging to think that there is a better life awaiting you, providing you are prepared to put in some hard work, of course .

Original poster

squashmonkey · 06/03/2009 12:14

The hard work and upheaval does scare me but that's not really th eissue. it's whether i shpuld stay with dh that i want to work out. If i decide i shouldn't then i 'll just have to deal with the rest

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BonsoirAnna · 06/03/2009 12:16

It does sound a bit as if you are completely fed up with your marriage and want to improve your relationship and are prepared to put in the graft, but that he isn't prepared to work as hard as you.

If you leave him, you will still have to do the work (so that you have a better relationship next time around) but there is a point where you have to realise that if the other person isn't going to cooperate you need to move on and find another, more hardworking, partner .

lalalonglegs · 06/03/2009 12:18

God, isn't a lot of this irritability and lack of communication down to the fact that you aren't having sex and the less sex you have, the less close and subsequently more trapped you feel? Sorry if that is too boorish an analysis but rather than fretting over counselling and so on, couldn't you both resolve to have more sex (together) and see how that works?

Original poster

squashmonkey · 06/03/2009 12:19

I am fed up with it and want a better life, i just don't wnat to think "if only we'd tried harder" in the future. I do have a potential new relationship, if i want it with a kind, gently man who i love and feel very different with to dh. BUT i want to be sure that there's no future with dh first

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Original poster

squashmonkey · 06/03/2009 12:21

lala - trouble is i don't feel like having sex as i feel hurt (and also not very attracted to him), so he withdraws, i wihdraw and so on. Sex with him had nver been great at all - he's very reserved and i don't feel very relaxed

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BonsoirAnna · 06/03/2009 12:21

lalalonglegs - I think that's a chicken-and-egg argument - what stops first, sex or communication? They are so bound up in one another.

FWIW, I think that if you have crap language and communication skills, sex almost always grinds to a halt in the end...

BonsoirAnna · 06/03/2009 12:23

If you've got somebody else better waiting in the wings, that is lovely but I still think you need some very good psychotherapy so that you gain clarity about all this .

Original poster

squashmonkey · 06/03/2009 12:23

it's becoming a bit clearer...

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Iloveeasy · 06/03/2009 12:39

FWIW to open up the area of communication between you and your DH maybe you might want to try a new hobby that both of you will enjoy and start to enjoy each other's company. This may lead to things to talk about in a fun relaxed way.

Go to a theme park, book dancing lessons, live life as though you just met again.

If you concentrate too hard on having a sexual relationship right now it might be forced and feigned and not really nice. This way you might start rekindling the fire.

lalalonglegs · 06/03/2009 12:53

I do take your point about chicken and egg, but it just seems such a fundamental and relatively easy step to take. Good advice from Iloveeasy.

sparkyoldbint · 06/03/2009 13:10

Sounds very much like my marriage squash, I could never be myself round my ex and was anxious and resentful the whole time. We stopped having sex because of that. He too made me take anti-ds so I could be a "normal" person.

Anyway, he finally left, against my wishes at the time, but I thank the lord that he did. Finally I've found the type of relationship you'd like to have. I spent a long time mourning the break-up of my little family too (DD was just 7) but we have a good arrangement and she's very happy now that mummy and daddy don't argue anymore. Much better for the children to be apart and happy than together and miserable.

Maria2007 · 06/03/2009 13:59

Well if there's someone else in the picture, then that slightly changes the story. COuld you tell us a bit more about this other man?

I agree with those who have said that your relationship does have some good points. For me the most important question is not 'are you happy' (because people in relationships often are not happy- for periods of time- that doesn't mean they necessarily have to leave). The most important question is 'do you love him'. I don't mean do you fancy him (because that too can change from time to time), I mean do you love him, as in a deeper feeling about the man that makes you want to stay & work on the relationship. I've been in a relationship in the past in which, when I sat down & thought about it, I realized I simply didn't love the man. For me, that's a reason to go. Other things can be resolved (perhaps).

Also: about therapy. Counselling & psychotherapy can really vary as to its quality. While I agree that therapy can definitely be helpful, it has to be a personal decision. And even when it is a decision, then sometimes it doesn't work simply because the therapist or counsellor isn't good / experienced enough (plenty of crappy therapists around, actually). I also disagree with Bonsoir Anna who thinks you 'have to have some proper therapy' etc...it's such a personal choice, and there are many ways for relationships to exist happily, it doesn't mean all working relationships are ideals of 'proper adult man-woman relating'! You can never say 'should' about these things. But if you do want to try more therapy, please do get recommendations from people you really really trust & who know the field.

Hope this helps, & good luck.

Claygate · 06/03/2009 14:00

Its always difficult to give this sort of advice online. There could be so many reasons for problems that we and even you dont know.

Once you get out of the habit of loving its hard to get back to it. You have to make time and effort. But, there may be other underlying causes, he may be depressed, you may. He or you may have work problems or drink problems either of you might be having an affair. Either of you may have a minor mental illness. My mother had a form of schitzophhrenia that was initially so mild as to seem like normal behaviour to close family...to others it was clear she was unreasonable and a bit crackers....this deteriorated with time. Problem is the ill person will never see it.

Marriage counsellors will never get to the bottom of it if there is mental illness involved, even the mental health teams are at a loss most of the time until it becomes very serious.

Either or both of you might be a nightmare to live with.

One thing im sure of is that you have to be happy as an individual to be happy as a couple or one becomes too dependent. Both of you must seek other interests that give you personal value, then you must share the benefits. Do not drink alcohol....get exercise it makes a big difference. Be happy.

Original poster

squashmonkey · 06/03/2009 15:22

Maria - the other man is almost th eopposite of dh - gentle, in tpuch with his feeling, straighforward and honest - I love him and am attracted to him.

Haven't been happy with dh for years really ,just wasn't willing to give up. We have never dealt with problems well. He's very self sufficient and doesn't say or express himself much. OM is completely different

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sayithowitis · 06/03/2009 17:23

Squashmonkey, it's really amazing how similar your story sounds to those posted previously by mymittens,vbadindeed,littlemucky,savannahthefirst and normalornot. Maybe you should try catting them to swap solutions to your tales of woe!

Countingthegreyhairs · 07/03/2009 00:10

Those are two great posts from Maria 2007 and Claygate.

frazzledgirl · 07/03/2009 09:56

I agree with sayithowitis. FGS just LEAVE HIM if that's what you want to do (it certainly sounds like it), and stop namechanging again and again and AGAIN to ask a load of virtual strangers for permission!

Sorry to sound exasperated, but right now you're not helping anyone, most of all your DS or yourself.

Or your husband or OM, of course.

prettyfly1 · 07/03/2009 18:28

Ummm Please dont flame me but if my partner sat in front of me and said he wondered whether he loved me like his mum I would be hurt and offended enough to say something nasty. Your psychological processes are not something your partner needs to hear all about, particularly if it involves questioning how you feel about him for hours. That just isnt fair. Talking with him is one thing but from the sounds of it you both really need to examine how you respond to stress. You cannot expect to say something like that to a man and seriously get no reaction. It isnt just him to blame and I think some councelling with someone objective to talk through your feelings is far more appropriate then your partner in this instance.

prettyfly1 · 07/03/2009 18:31

Oh just read the other man bit. I am not going to give you permission to do what I think your doing which is messing two men around. If you want your partner be with him. If you dont then leave him but seriously YOU need to sort out what YOU want. A man who came on here and said he was shifting blame to his partner because he was ultimately looking to be with someone else would be flamed for it.

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