what would you do ?

[messymissy]

went upstairs this morning to find my dp reading my diary. he did not realise i had seen him so he chucked it down. I calmly asked him why he had been reading it without asking first and he lied to me and said he hadn't. I told him that i knew he had and he proceeded to shout at me - like it was my fault. I said i wasn't listening to his rant and went downstairs. he carried on on his own for a while and eventually came down and said sorry for the lie. but he did not say sorry for the invasion of my privacy, or for shouting at me when he was in the wrong.

he has on several occasions read my mail and texts too. got nothing to hide. diary all about, today did this, saw so and so etc all very mundane, but its the principal of lack of trust that really gets me and that i can;t get him to understand.

wouldn't mind so much but i only went upstairs to give him a nice warm towel as i thought he was shaving.

has he always been untrusting?

The lies would be the worst for me though not the looking.

I open most of the post - not to find anything just the way it is as i dont have a problem with secrets anyway.

Do you think he is being generally nosy (very rude!) or is he the jealous type / checking up on you? (more worrying IMO).

My dh has been checking my MN (he knows my passwords), i'm not too bothered as i have nothing to hide but i would rather he had asked me first.
[waves to DH if he's reading]

He obviously has issues of trust here. I'm guessing he is a man of low self-esteem?

I would choose a time when he is calm, then sit him down and explain that in a healthy relationship each partner is entitled to a fair amount of privacy. He should not be reading your mail and texts. He should trust you. If there is no trust in your relationship then you have huge problems.

Suggest that he sees someone to address these issues. If he denies that he has a problem then you have a choice to make. Because I doubt he'll change.

Have you asked him to stop spying on you? He has no right to behave like this, and you should tell him it's unacceptable. Even if you have breached monogamy in the past, he still doesn't have the right to snoop through your correspondence like this.
Is he controlling, inclined to obsess about monogamism, or just nosy? Whatever the reason, I would password protect everything and keep my diary under lock and key if I had to live with someone like this.

Well, i didn't think so. i tell him all sorts of things and leave my mail etc open. I don't open his, he would have a fit! I don't expect to open his mail etc so can't understand why he would want to invade my privacy. again, nothing to hide, its just feels like an intrusion, like he is expecting to find something - what i don't know.

he did say he was annoyed he did not get enough of a mention in what i had written.

it seemed so adolescent to stand there and lie to me about it, i looked at him and where i wanted to see a grown man i saw a teenager trying to wriggle out of admitting they have done something they shouldnt.

Sorry, am PMSL at him reading your diary and whinging that you didn't mention him enough. WTF? I mean, honestly!

If he expects you to respect his privacy, why doesn't he respect yours? It's not on.

I would open his stuff and when he has that fit tell him you feel the same way

Is he taking the piss? He expects you to respect his privacy whilst he blatantly disrespects yours?

I think you've let him get away with this for far too long now, he obviously thinks he's entitled to snoop as you put up no resistance at all.

Come on woman! Take a bloody stand!

I did try to explain to him rhubarb when he came back down stairs. I was very calm about it (mostly cos i was so disappointed in him) but he wouldn;t understand.

never never never have breached monogamy solidgold and never would. He does have self esteem issues which he denies. I think it is a control thing with him.

he is not home till late tonight so won't be able to talk to him about it again till tomorrow.

he just shouted at me like it was my fault.

i dont want to have to lock things away, thats no way to live.

Ok, here are the worrying signs:

He was reading your private diary.

He denied it when confronted.

He behaved aggressively.

He then made it out to be your fault.

He sulked that there weren't enough mentions of him in your private diary.

He opens your mail.

He reads your texts.

He would go nuts if you opened his mail.

How old is he? 12?

rhubarb you made me laugh - thanks!!!! I am a bit of a push over I have to admit - not good at handling conflict so tend to act as peace maker.

Would love to make a stand - can you come and show me how!!

control freak, he is - he's allowed to know everything about you but doesn't return the favour? Not right.

Don't blame you for not including enough stuff about him - narcissist (him again).

Next time, write something in it about how pissed off you were that he snooped in your diary.

I am slightly suspicious though - what was he hoping to find? Is he playing a double game somewhere and checking up that you have no suspicions of it?
e.g. - DH had a mystery phonecall today, wouldn't tell me who from, I wonder what he's up to?

Just speculating - I DO have a nasty suspicious streak (justifiable in every case ime) and I trust my DH implicitly.

God, I am living with that B button block!!!

he is indeed ageing backwards and not in a good looking brad pitt way!

maybe I should post this on the behaviour thread and ask how do you get a teenager to behave respectfully?!!

It's very easy. Pretend you have PMT. You walk towards them to they have to back away. You say very slowly and very calmly.

IF YOU INVADE MY PRIVACY AGAIN I WILL STUFF THE DIARY DOWN YOUR THROAT AND THE STAPLE THE DIVORCE PAPERS TO YOUR PUNY SMELLY ARSE

write in diary, my dh is a nosy bastard with a little cock.
see if he has the cheek to ask you about it.

meant bloke not block - too busy laughing at the absurdity of the situation and being told to take a make a stand!! just want i needed.

thumwitch part of me would love him to find someone else - don't think he has - yet - do i think he is looking??? not too sure. hope your suspicions for your dh do not come to a head.

have made it too easy, i'm a tigger sort of person pretty laid back and he is turning into an eeyore with victor meldew tendancies.

only laughing now cos i'd cry otherwise.

You deserve so much more.

Seize back control, start living your life again. Join a club, get out there, do an evening class, arrange nights out, call up old friends. Give him a bloody reason to be worried.

And I second the suggestion of writing down things for him to read! Once you start living, you'll start to see him more and more for the pathetic teenager that he is. Whereas you'll be brimming with confidence! He'll either have to grow up or risk losing you. Don't be a puppet.

I did try standing up to him about the text messages the first time, it did not work. he still maintains it was just once, but he is not that good, and repeated in the heat of the moment something that he would only know if he had been snooping other times too.

the thing is, its not me who has something to hide, its him. - ie this sort of behaviour, he knows I most likely tell my friends and he is annoyed. I think deep down he knows it is not normal to do this sort of thing but goes to great lengths to show a different side of himself to the out side world.

he is much better at arguing than me - he goes off on these spectacular tangents makes my head hurt!!!

You don't have to say anything, you already have the higher ground. Just talk to him as you would a child. Make your point and merely repeat it over and over. Don't answer his questions or be drawn off topic, stick to your point.

thanks rhubarb, yep i will start doing more. maybe he might then realise that people need to stay together out of choice not necessity.

no no messymissy, my DH is above reproach - it is previous bastards exes that have done the dirty and I have had my suspicions confirmed.

Have another suggestion - have a make-believe affair with someone called, for e.g. Victor and see how long it takes for him to ask. Or better still, write in code! My mum wrote the most personal bits of her diary (I read her teen ones when I was about 8 ) in shorthand - dammit!

Messy you sound just like me

I LOVE ilovetochats idea

My DP read my diary once and it was mostly about him and funnily enough he didn't like it

Told him if he was going to snoop he should expect to find something he didn't like.
Think he was relieved tbh that i hadn't written Had the most wonderful shag last night with so and so, glad DP was working away or something like that.
When i said about reading it he responded angrily the same way yours has.. "Well you can't leave it lying about and expect me not to read it"

I said, "I'm not angry or didn't expect you not to read it love, i just thought that you wouldn't be able to read all the long words in it..."
I did manage to duck as the diary floated past my head (only kidding) he went in a pouty sulk..now i ask him if he would like me to read it out to him

Take the piss and buy a princess lockable diary or leave yours lying about with a mousetrap on top with a little note saying 'do not read'

whow....what's with the scary baby rhubarb - enough to give you nightmares!!!!

no wonder you can stand up to people!!! you clearly are not afraid of anything!

stercus - off to the shops this afternoon for a lockable one!

'course you should be able to leave it around and expect him NOT to read it. its like saying i took 5 quid out of your purse your fault for leaving it there. i trust him not to read it, so why should i need to put it away. why can't men see this?