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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

what would you do ?

45 replies

messymissy · 05/03/2009 14:14

went upstairs this morning to find my dp reading my diary. he did not realise i had seen him so he chucked it down. I calmly asked him why he had been reading it without asking first and he lied to me and said he hadn't. I told him that i knew he had and he proceeded to shout at me - like it was my fault. I said i wasn't listening to his rant and went downstairs. he carried on on his own for a while and eventually came down and said sorry for the lie. but he did not say sorry for the invasion of my privacy, or for shouting at me when he was in the wrong.

he has on several occasions read my mail and texts too. got nothing to hide. diary all about, today did this, saw so and so etc all very mundane, but its the principal of lack of trust that really gets me and that i can;t get him to understand.

wouldn't mind so much but i only went upstairs to give him a nice warm towel as i thought he was shaving.

OP posts:

thumbwitch · 05/03/2009 15:11

Rhubs, your pics have evolved since I last looked - even more scary now!

StercusAccidit · 05/03/2009 15:24

Well hun like you i have nowt to hide so i leave my phone and diary all over the place, and leave my pc open.. ect, i have my passwords to msn and stuff written down for him to snoop at, i really just don't care tbh.
If he wants to snoop, he can. The worst that could happen if he snooped at my msn emails is that he would read one of the venemous fucking emails his OW sent me while i was PG and since.
Maybe then he would realise the hurt i have been through.

Get a mousetrap and shove it on your DH's balls, come on here, explain his reaction, so i can laugh and wistfully dream about doing it myself lol.

A lockable one would be cool but IMO one to take the piss would be those that teenagers get all pink and sparkly then he really would know you were laughing at him lol.

TheThoughtPolice · 05/03/2009 15:28

Am I the only one who thinks it a little odd that an adult would write in a diary (as in 'dear diary' not 'dental appt 3.20') is a bit odd ?

FWIW, OP. Your DP is a nosy bugger

Original poster

messymissy · 05/03/2009 15:30

May be odd to some - but maybe i should elaborate, only started it last year when had the 3rd cancer scare, happily all benign, use it now as a way to let dd know what we got up to when she was little, just in case.....

OP posts:

Original poster

messymissy · 05/03/2009 15:33

got to go now as little dd calling so sweetly from her cot, after a nice long nap.

ttfn and thanks....

OP posts:

Tamarto · 05/03/2009 15:37

It isn't odd at all, i wish i could be bothered.

I would have my DPs balls off for that, my dad read mine when i was a teen and went mental because there was some not very nice things in it about my step mum

TheThoughtPolice · 05/03/2009 15:44

Mine would be v dull.

Got up
Went to work
Came home
Cooked, washed and ironed.
Went to bed

OrmIrian · 05/03/2009 15:45

I don't think it's Ok to read your diary. Privacy and trust is essential in a relationship IMO.

But can I just say something that might be unpopular. When a woman mistrusts her DP and checks up on his emails/phone/internet history it is generally greeted on MN with cries of 'it's fine if he can't be trusted'. Which implies that it's Ok if the snooping proves something is wrong, but not if the mistrust if proved unfounded.

Either it's wrong or it isn't.

Sorry I know this isn't much to do with this thread but it strikes me as odd.

StercusAccidit · 05/03/2009 16:17

Something so sweet you have done for your baby after having a cancer scare?

I take back everything i said

What a NOB

StercusAccidit · 05/03/2009 16:21

Something so sweet you have done for your baby after having a cancer scare?

I take back everything i said

What a NOB

StercusAccidit · 05/03/2009 16:22

Oops i was so annoyed i posted twice lol

solidgoldbrass · 05/03/2009 18:10

OrmIrian: I don't think it's ever right to invade someone else's privacy: a person who is determined to cheat will find ways to do so, a person who is trustworthy will hate being spied on and probably end the relationship.

warthog · 05/03/2009 19:25

i would definitely start writing about him in a disturbing way.

'i caught dp reading you the other day. it's not long now til the plan falls into place. i can't wait. every day looking at his bald head and hairy back just strengthens my resolve even more. all my friends laugh at the way he walks. i'm embarrassed to tell people i actually live with him. maybe i should increase the amount as it's just taking too long. must remember to send text to friend to put him off the scent. the booby-trapped towel trick didn't work. i'll have to find a different method when he next goes to work.'

RealityIsMyOnlyDelusion · 05/03/2009 20:25

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

StercusAccidit · 05/03/2009 21:12

Pfft PMSFL

Genius isn't the word

WartHog please tell me your name in RL isn't Alison cos you sound just like my best bud lol

Original poster

messymissy · 06/03/2009 11:54

Hi ya

dont need to write in diary and wouldn;t waste the paper, think he has logged on to mn and may be reading this as i type!

this is the first time i've posted such a thread and only did it after he accused me of it anyway so i thought, ok i'll give it a go!

upshot is...he sent a text saying 'apologies for this morning' i thought this was just not good enough and texted back saying what i thought he should be apologising for.

this morning he said he was sorry (a generalised apology) ...then just a short while later started up again with the sarcastic bad temper - all in front of dd - which he knows i cannot put up with. So i say ' that apology did not last long did it?

so i walk away and let him rant under his breath at me - just loud enough for me to hear, is this passive aggressive??

am i the only one who thinks if you apologise for bad behaviour, you try so very hard not to repeat that behaviour - at least for a day!!!! (said in heavy sarcasm)

he seems to find it very difficult to say anything nice to me lately.

OP posts:

Original poster

messymissy · 06/03/2009 11:54

Hi ya

dont need to write in diary and wouldn;t waste the paper, think he has logged on to mn and may be reading this as i type!

this is the first time i've posted such a thread and only did it after he accused me of it anyway so i thought, ok i'll give it a go!

upshot is...he sent a text saying 'apologies for this morning' i thought this was just not good enough and texted back saying what i thought he should be apologising for.

so i walk away and let him rant under his breath at me - just loud enough for me to hear, is this passive aggressive??

am i the only one who thinks if you apologise for bad behaviour, you try so very hard not to repeat that behaviour - at least for a day!!!! (said in heavy sarcasm)

he seems to find it very difficult to say anything nice to me lately.

OP posts:

StercusAccidit · 06/03/2009 12:23

He has obv had lessons off my DP

Why do they do this when you have a lovely baby and make it so you feel so down you feel as if you cannot relax and enjoy your new baby.

You have my sympathy. I hope he does read this and feels sorry for how he is behaving. Although i doubt he does, if he is anything like my DP he will just say 'why are you telling other people about our problems' blah blah and just get annoyed.

I am so sorry flower. Stick your diary up his bony ass

Original poster

messymissy · 06/03/2009 13:01

Dont know why they do it... you are right it is like i can;t relax. I know he is really resentful that i am sahm - but its what we agreed.

he tells his mum and friends all our problems - especially his mum. not healthy for a man to discuss everything and seek approval from his mum esp as he is now middle aged!??? surely??

anyway drifting off the original thread, as feeling low and a bit sorry for myself. need to buck and get on with the ironing!

hope things pick up for you too stercus and thanks for the sympathy.

OP posts:

thumbwitch · 06/03/2009 23:31

definitely not healthy to be discussing your problems with your friends; and only remotely healthy with his mum IF she is the sort of mum who would be objective and say " but you were being a prize tosser". If she is the sort who goes: "there there son, of course she is a hopeless blah blah whatever and you are right in everything you do" then EXTREMELY unhealthy.

He's still a nob. And yes, an apology usually (supposedly) means you are sorry a) for the behaviour and b) for upsetting you with it; therefore it is reasonable to expect it won't happen again for a good while!

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