DH is driving me mad

[Geetar]

My problems with DH are just ongoing and I'm getting to the point where I just want to walk out. I really can't take the atmosphere, the snappyness and childishness anymore.

This morning he blew up over something so silly. At about 7.15am the neighbour knocked on the door. DH said we were not to answer it and the "fucking neighbours" should know not to knock at a ridiculous time.

He knocked twice and then left.

15 minutes later the post man knocked with a parcel. DH shouted "fuck off" at the top of his voice. Much giggling from the kids.

Postman stormed off down the garden path and left the parcel with the neighbour. Needless to say, 5 minutes later neighbour came back and knocked on the door. I had to physically hold DH back, he was going nuts.

At 7.45am the electric meter man knocked at DH just lost it, ran to the bedroom window and started shouting out of it that he was sick of people knocked on the 'fucking door' and was it really too much to ask to be left alone etc. The electric man shouts up "I've only come to read your meter" so DH tells him to "fuck right off" before he "twatted him". The electric man shouted "moron" at him and started walking away and DH started shouting after him "You fucking turd, I'll knock your fucking mushtasche off your face you c"

Electric man sticks two fingers up to him. At this point another neighbour shouts across "Do you mind! I have kids here, I don't want them hearing the local nutter shouting and swearing at 8 in a morning"

This prompted DH to start ranting at her about her "fucking feral kids" and that if their ball ends up in our garden one more time he'd rip it to shreds and feed it to them etc. She said she was reporting us.

DH is now blaming the entire thing on me. Apparantly we have to move as the area is full of "fuckwits" and he 'can't be doing with it anymore' etc etc

I don't think he realises how close he is to having to find a bedsit of his own anyway. I'm just fed up of everything.

geetar, please take advice from this thread and your others.

I'm not being flippant but have you seen the film Falling Down with Michael Douglas? I'm not suggesting in any way your DH will go on a murderous rampage but the core of the film is the utter breakdown a personality change of a man into violence.
He needs help and fast. Next time he might not threaten to hit someone. He might actually do it, or hit you, or yours DCs

geetar - please get rid of him. He may have problems and you may want to help him but meanwhile get yourself and the boys away from him.

Geetar,

Re PerArdua's comment:-

"Geetar - if you've had to physically hold him back from attacking people, then you should ask your GP to make an assessment, possibly in conjunction with a mental-health nurse. If your neighbour does report him to the police - good. This man needs to be seen, possibly sectioned.

At best he's ruining your relationship with your neighbours and setting a terrible example to your children, at worst he's a danger to you and the people around you.

Please phone your GP, or go and visit him/her, and describe this behavioural change - as soon as you can".

I would agree with the responses and particularly this poster's.

Would also ask what you really want to happen as well. You have written about him before. You sound like my MIL actually, full of denial about the whole situation because she does not know what to do either. The above scenario has already been played out with her son. You cannot and should not ignore this.

Your children as well as you will only get dragged down by this man and his behaviours. It reflects very badly on you as well particularly if you are just going to sit back, do nothing and stick your head in the sand again. You cannot deal with the chaos and pain so you ignore it. You cannot do this, you ignore this at your peril.

And if you walk the children must go with you. Infact he should be the one to leave, not yourselves.

Anger management won't be of any use to him either if there is or has been violence; he needs a pyschiatric assessment and fast before he kills someone. And don't think that could never happen because it most certainly does.

Geetar - whose name is your home in?
I'm very concerned that if he doesn't leave - whether of his own will or yours - that you and your DCs will come to serious harm

yes go see your GP/his GP (assuming is one and same) and report - but bear in mind they will not do anything because he is an adult and he is responsible for seeking help.

if he is anything like my ex he will deny any issues even if you march him to the GP and sit there with him. and GP wil say "if he does not want help we cannot give it"

but at least you will have done something responsible.

so - he needs to recognize his issues.
if he does not your choices are stark - stay and put up; risking even worse effects of his anger - or go.

you can ty ultimatums - i am worried about you please go to GP for me, - see if it has effect.

then step up - if you dont seek help then you leave...

if you worried about teh impact of what you say on him and his reaction -then it is even more indication that there is a serious problem here.

good luck - isnt easy to take firm steps but listen to everyone on here ...you can do it for your sake and your dcs

And he is seeking validation for his behaviour by trying to get you to agree that he was justified in getting angry. Don't give it to him. The door-knocking instances you quote are the sort of things that might warrant a tut in most people, if you were in the middle of something. But that sort of over-reaction?
What sort of relationship does he have with his sons? Do they love and respect him? Or are they terrified of him and give him a wide berth? If you don't get this sorted for your own sake, then you must act for your sons.'

Geetar - shouting at the postman for delivering a parcel to you is not exaggerated behaviour. And the GP can get involved without his say so if he's liable to be a danger to himself or others.

Where are you? Why aren't you coming back to this? Are you going to do something?

Sorry, was concerned so searched. She's still posting on MN, on the creative writing thread. PLease come back and post.

perardua - speaking from experience - is very difficult for gp to be involved with an adult on say so of someone else - unless very severe circumstances - she or the neighbour needs to be calling police on every incident before gps or anyone will do anything.

if police get involved then yes more likely.

gp only advice to me was: call the police - we can do nothing. (and at the time they were actually treating him for depression and seeing him regularly!

heck, his GP even called ME to tell me "he is very depressed you know" as tho it justified his behaviours!

when i said "but how does that justify him smashing up my flat?" GP said "well then you must call the police..." )

the op (or neighbours or psotman or whoever) must call the police and report him for agressive behaviour - and it might be the wake up call he needs.

police will decide if is criminal or needs hospital psychiatric treatment..

Call me cynical but it's interesting to me that she's still posting on the 'creative writing' thread.

I think its possible that alot of your husbands anger stems from something completely different to the situations that are making him react in such an over the top way.

I am used to this sort of anger, my Dad reacted alot like your husband, his Dad was much the same but much worse and unfortunatley I also have inherited this infantile behaviour - I have to work really hard to controll it but it. I only feel this kind of anger when other things in my life are becoming too much for me. If he doesn't usually react like this could it be down to pressure in some other area of his life?

I'm really sorry you have to live with this - I know how horrible it is. I found the worst thing the unpredictability of the temper - you never know when their going to loose it! Would your husband consider anger management - does he consider his temper a problem?

Geetar - I echo those who have expressed concern over your husband's mental health. He is reacting in such an over the top and aggressive way, I would be concerned about what he could do next.

The tone of your OP was strangely casual, as if it was just a "normal" row/ bad temper. I dont mean to be alarmist, but I would be more than "fed up" if I were you.

He needs to get a professional assessment and you need to take steps to protect yourself and your family from his next outburst.

The OP does not seem to fear her DP.

Reading this from the thread starter...
"I don't think he realises how close he is to having to find a bedsit of his own anyway. I'm just fed up of everything"
IMO she doesnt indicate fear just irritation. It also looks like she knows how she could put him a bad situation re: a place to live.

Thanks for the replies. I was on the creative writing thread earlier as I do write too. I write more when I'm stressed/fed up.

I wasn't ignoring this, just I didn't have much of an update.

However, after a day of silence he has apologised to me for the way he acted and has gone around and apologised to the neighbour. He told me he just gets sick of people when they just "wont leave him alone". It doesn't make any sense and I told him he had to look into anger management if he wanted me and the kids to stay.

I have never feared him, well I've never felt in danger personally but I have often feared what he might do to other people. This morning was just one small example of the way things are right now. Don't even get me started on the whole road rage thing from last week.

I realise I may sound detached. I don't mean to, my head is just all over at the moment with one thing after another. I have nobody in RL to talk to about this so I either keep it in, or spill on here.

I'm sorry, just needed to get it off my chest. I just feel so down right now

Your DH sounds extremely stressed. How is his work? I don;t mean to pry but are your finances OK, I know when DH and I have found things tough, it affects other areas of our life. I'm not condoning his behaviour, but this doesn;t sound like normal behaviour and I think he needs help.

the man is a loon. Seriously, you need to get him to get some help. He either has serious anger management issues because he has lost the ability to control his temper, which is scary enough, or he has some kind of mental health issue going on. Either way, do something soon - you can't carry on like this, it could get more dangerous (if MH issues are involved).

Your DC also need to understand that this behaviour is not acceptable, not something to be laughed at, cheered or supported in any other way.

(having said that, I would be pretty peed off if someone knocked on my door that early too! But I'm never up then - sounds like you were? But I wouldn't have reacted in such an extreme fashion)

Geetar - I have read the whole thread and I think that TweetleBeetle has really said something very important. I immediately felt the same way when I read your orignal comment.

I am sure that there must be a reason that your DH is behaving this way and the phrase: "wont leave him alone" is very telling here. He feels harrassed by something/someone. What is it?

I do think that he must be under immense pressure to react that way. He has not always been that way and he has never attacked you as far as I can tell from your comments.

I have never done what your husband did but I do know that men bottle stress up and it can come out in apparently 'loud and abussive expressions'.

Try and find out what it is that is making him react this way and try not to condemn him. My personal view is he feels trapped in some way by cicumstances beyond his control. This creates 'cognitive dissonance' which in simple terms means that someone is in a situation that they woud otherwise not wish to be in but have no choice about. It causes extreme stress if it is prolonged.

Finally, I do not think he was really going to hit anyone. He was shouting and threatening people but not swinging his fists.

Cognitive Dissonance

Geetar please don't apologise. When you feel rubbish you don't walways want to or know how to come back to a thread...been there myself.

I'm not certain anger management is the right thing, but obviously he needs help with something. I think the GP might be a good place to start.

Don't put it off as it sounds fairly constant and might get worse - you don't want him ending up in trouble with the police or something.

Thinking of you x

Hi Geetar hows things today?
Agree with those people who think he's under severe stress,do you think there is anything like illness,work,money,your relationship,burn~out, the house etc that is really causing him a problem he 's bottling up?

I would second those who've advised you to talk to your gp about this. At the very least, I think that you need to ask for some local support to help you deal with this. And your gp could advise you on how/where to get more help or assessment for your dh.

Interesting that it has swung from him being an abuser to he maybe under stress!

sorry should have put could be under stress
he also could be simply a bully,an abuser,have a physical health issue,mental health issue.

Or could be a potential serial killer

Today hasn't been too bad. He has agreed to see the doctor. He said he feels stressed constantly and as if everyone is doing their best to wind him up on purpose.

This morning British Gas were supposed to be coming to change a meter. We waited in all morning and they didn't show. DH said he would phone to make sure they were still coming.

So he phoned and the guy on the phone said "they were meant to let you know they have cancelled it". I literally saw DH's face flush bright red but he kept himself together, told the bloke he would pass him onto his wife and then he went upstairs to calm down. No shouting, swearing, punching walls etc so that proves he CAN control his temper.

The tesco delivery man pushed him a bit too far however but again, he did TRY.

He is under a lot of stress, moneywise and with our son who is going off the rails a bit but I will go to the doctor with him. I hate the thought of us splitting up