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Original poster

dh stoned all the time and wants to grow cannabis in the house!!!

37 replies

tomskid · 04/03/2009 13:19

Hi, newish to mumsnet and needing advice about my marriage. I've been married for 8 years and have a nearly 2yo son. me and dh used to smoke a lot of cannabis, but both gave it up when ds was born. now dh is smoking again and wants to grow it, because he has problems buying it. he has even been getting it posted to the house. i've told him to get a grip and give it up, but he says i'm being controlling and unreasonable.

it doesn't really bother me when he's stoned, it's when he's got none that he is bad tempered and really irritable. there is no way that i'll let him grow it, so it looks like there's going to be a long term argument over this. i suppose our marriage is OK, no passion really, but we normally get on fine. what should i do?

OP posts:
SheWillBeLoved · 04/03/2009 13:20

If my partner even considered growing drugs in a house with our child in, he'd be told that the minute he did so - the police would be told.

Tamarto · 04/03/2009 13:22

Point out the fact that it is ILLEGAL?

You are not being contolling by not letting him do something you both could be arrested for!

compo · 04/03/2009 13:22

tell him he gives it up or it's over

ninedragons · 04/03/2009 13:23

Tell him to grow the fuck up. He has a child now, like it or not he's an adult.

rubyslippers · 04/03/2009 13:23

everything the other posters have said is spot on

how much does he smoke?

pinkmagic1 · 04/03/2009 13:24

Alot of people dabble with cannabis while younger but the minute you have kids it should stop, end of. I would give him the ultimatum, you or the drugs?

Iklboo · 04/03/2009 13:24

It's a Class B drug now - growing in the house is a big no-no. If he grew it and you knew about it you would also get into trouble with the police if thet found out.
It sounds like he may have some addiction issues if he gets irritable and bad tempered if he can't have it

citronella · 04/03/2009 13:25

I think he is being very very selfish.

  1. It's illegal
  2. It's affecting his behaviour (irritable & bad tempered when hasn't got it)
  3. I bet he spends a lot of time lazing about then having munchies and rading your food cupboards
  4. The house must stink when he smokes
  5. Your ds will be passive smoking it

To me it's just irresponsible and a rubbish role model.
Tell him to get a grip. Stand your ground. If you are unhappy with the situation it won't get any better.

RealityIsMyOnlyDelusion · 04/03/2009 13:27

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

citronella · 04/03/2009 13:27

And the money he is spending on it is taking food out of your child's mouth, clothes off his back etc etc

Rhubarb · 04/03/2009 13:28

You are new aren't you? I always get a bit worried by a new post such as this.

So, on the assumption that you're not just trying to wind us up;

Growing cannabis IS illegal.
Smoking cannabis in front of your ds is extremely irresponsible.
He could go to jail if found out and you could be done for your part as his accomplice - not to mention Social Services being informed and possibly taking your child into care.

Is that what you want?

You know the solution here. You have a duty to your son and if you turn a blind to this then you'll suffer the consequences. Because growers always get caught. Always. And you won't be able to plead ignorance.

Divineintervention · 04/03/2009 13:31

No passion because he's too lethargic to summon his libido, I expect.
Cannabis is a lazy drug and often very habitual, I would request that he doesn't do it in or near your house at all.....
I know many ( I lived near Glastonbury!!) growers who have been caught... they look at your fuel bills, infrared cameras from helicopters to see the lighting, your neighbours will smell it.....

Original poster
tomskid · 04/03/2009 13:31

thanks for the advice. yep, i've told him its illegal, also very dangerous. i've also told him all the horrible consequences for ds if there's an accident or if he gets found out growing it.

there's no way he'll do it because i wont let him, but it pisses me off that he keeps going on about it. i'd love to tell him to leave, but i'd feel guilty on behalf of ds, he loves his dad, and i guess i'm scared of the whole breaking up thing. my husband is basically an addict and like all addicts he is weak. i suppose the real question is whether to stay together when he is still smoking it (although not growing it).

OP posts:
Tortington · 04/03/2009 13:33

but thats the thing isn't it? its not the being stoned its the come down the day after.

although the drug may not medically be addictive -smoking weed is addictive i don't give a shit what anyone says.

if you think about it - anything can be addictive - its when it affects your life and the lives of those around him that it becomes a problem.

seriously, is this the role model you want your son to have

if he loves his family he will stop.

you have to make a decision - will you have him at any cost - or are you strong enough to go it on your own?

my advice is a long chat - not an argument and tell him that its drug free or he will be family free.

if you think he is more likley to chose the drug over his family - i would start preparing before you have the conversation - i m talking about money - sorting it out - making sure you get what your owed with reards to debt - its just madness to have a screaming match and kick someone out - if they owe you money or pay the rent or something - so do it sensibly.

JustCallMeGoat · 04/03/2009 13:34

nah! dump him. doesn't sound like he makes you happy.

Original poster
tomskid · 04/03/2009 13:34

rubyslippers, at the moment he only smokes in the evening, after work. he maybe has about 3 joints, but quite storng ones. before, he used to smoke it all day long and i'm scared it'll go back to that.

OP posts:
Original poster
tomskid · 04/03/2009 13:38

custardo, he's have to leave, because it's kind of my house. he'd have to find somewhere else to stay and a new job because he'd probablly have to leave the area (lack of houses here. that's part of the reason i'd feel so shitty asking him to leave, he'd maybe end up living a couple of hours away from ds.

i'm kind of happy with him, but not really really happy, but that's maybe the case with most marriages.

OP posts:
Divineintervention · 04/03/2009 13:38

Look I gave up, I loved the green stuff and smoked in in a bounty full. It really wasn't difficult to give up either, ask dh if he can have a date where he cuts back or stops.

ninedragons · 04/03/2009 13:38

Of course it will. Cannabis is very easy to grow and he'll end up with more than three joints' worth.

Rhubarb · 04/03/2009 13:41

Sorry, but you are not doing the best by your son in putting up with this.

Kids from miserable homes will be miserable. But if you split up and maintain a happy equilibrium, then your ds can still be happy. Right now you are unhappy, your dh is unhappy, your dh is stoned and your ds is witnessing this - how can he interact with his own son when he's stoned out of his head? That's not a good influence for any child.

If you want to do the best for your son then you would get out of this destructive relationship.

Perhaps, in time, if he agrees to change then things can be different. But right now he is just living his life stoned and thinks that if he nags and nags you that eventually you'll give in. After all, you've hardly put up much of a struggle against him so far have you?

Rhubarb · 04/03/2009 13:42

And no, it isn't the case with most marriages. Marriage is based on mutual respect and teamwork. Your partner is supposed to be your best friend. Your dh clearly doesn't respect you.

Don't think that everyone lives like this, because they don't.

NotPlayingAnyMore · 04/03/2009 13:46

I would get him out on the basis of having it posted to the house alone.
While I don't agree that he should have it in the house at all, as an ex-toker myself I know that it happens.
Thing is, he probably thinks he's being clever by getting it so indirectly, but actually, he doesn't know who's keeping tabs on the trail it leads up to your front door.

How is it "kind of" your house, by the way?
If it's just your name on the deeds/tenancy then it's your right to say who and what comes and goes.

Meglet · 04/03/2009 13:47

if he doesn't stop then kick him out. I've known too many people who smoke loads and they are a nightmare.

Rhubarb · 04/03/2009 13:51

And do you know what they people who supply cannabis do with the money? They buy weapons with it.

Original poster
tomskid · 04/03/2009 13:59

NPAM,it's my dads house we're staying in just now, in his name. he stays somewhere else just now. i made dh move back to my home town to get away from the dope scene, as i said, i used to smoke too. dh resents this and uses it against me when i tell him to stop, he says that i've ruined his life by making him move. he's got no friends here and says that dope is the only thing he's got.

it would be good to hear from people who have been through similar things. i'm going out just now but will be back later today or tomorrow. thatnks.

OP posts:
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