dh stoned all the time and wants to grow cannabis in the house!!!

[tomskid]

Hi, newish to mumsnet and needing advice about my marriage. I've been married for 8 years and have a nearly 2yo son. me and dh used to smoke a lot of cannabis, but both gave it up when ds was born. now dh is smoking again and wants to grow it, because he has problems buying it. he has even been getting it posted to the house. i've told him to get a grip and give it up, but he says i'm being controlling and unreasonable.

it doesn't really bother me when he's stoned, it's when he's got none that he is bad tempered and really irritable. there is no way that i'll let him grow it, so it looks like there's going to be a long term argument over this. i suppose our marriage is OK, no passion really, but we normally get on fine. what should i do?

Well I asked my dh to leave his friends and family and move to France with me, then to Cumbria and now finally to Wiltshire.

Yet he doesn't start smoking the weed.

Your dh has a responsibility not only to you, but to your young son. It's about time he grew up. He can't get what he wants so he stomps his little feet and tries punishing you. What a big baby!

Dump the loser.

You ruined his life? Is he serious? You could have made his life if he chose to take the opportunity instead of smoking himself into oblivion every night.

No sympathy at all for him. He sounds like a complete waster to be honest.

Don't let him manipulate you.

"he says that i've ruined his life by making him move." He is a grown man. He decided to move. I moved to another country to stay with my partner and there are many others here who have done similar.

No no no. You have not ruined his life. He is ruining his own life and his family's. You are trying to help him. If he can't see that he really doesn't deserve you.

You are trying to think straight so don't let him twist things in your mind. I understand you feel guilty about removing him from your ds who loves him. But if he loved his son enough he wouldn't think even for a minute that he wasn't out of order.

As someone else here said you need to have a 'last chance saloon' conversation with him.

you 'ruined his life' that's the kind of thing a teenager shouts at their parents. He is a grown man. I also went through a phase of smoking weed, and yes it was fun at the time. But sooner or later you have to grow out of it. He needs to grow up and take care of his family. He needs to shoulder his responsibilities as a husband and father. The fact is that what he is doing is illegal. You are not being controlling by asking him to stop, you are looking out for your family's best interests.
He sounds entirely selfish to me.

if he thinks dope is the only thing he has got , and he is placing it in importance above you and your child, then that says it all.

despite moving to escape the drugs scene, he has foudn another one where you are

he wants to grow cannabis, puttin you and your son at risk, rather than see that this situation is not accecptable

i would be packing his bags, and leaving them on teh doorstep

Would agree with the responses to date.
Your H is an addict who is in complete denial of his addiction/dependency. Like many people in the throes of addiction as well he is completely selfish.

Many women in these situations end up as their partner's enabler - this is what you've become now. He cares not a jot for you and his son, the weed comes first. And he wants to grow it in your home!!. Idiot.
He runs the risk of being imprisoned and his name mentioned in the local press. You will also be tarred by association.

You cannot change him or rescue him but you can save your own self and your son from further misery by separating fully from your H. I do not advocate separation lightly but its the only way forward for you now.

Your son does NOT need a cannabis addicted Dad in his day to day life. By staying with your H knowing all this is going on you are condoning his behaviour.

Better to be alone than to be badly accompanied.

'It doesn't really bother me when he's stoned..'

Er, it should do.

he's lonely so he smokes - he says.

but i bet if he spent the 3 hours going out and meeting people instead of smoking weed he'd have a few more friends!

please follow custardo's advice. she really does know a thing or two.

In my past I smoked a lot of dope . Not to justify it but I worked to pay for it, I had no children and my smoking affected no one else but me. And for the record, I wouldn't touch it with a barge pole nowadays.

Anyway, I gave up a good few years ago now. It is very hard to give up if it has been a regular thing. It IS a lazy drug and what good is he in the house if he is stoned? What good does it do for a child to see a parent either smoking dope or being lethargic? Even if he does not do it in front of your DC, the fact that he does it is enough. It stinks to high heaven too.

With dope, you get into a circle of like minded people and if someone in the 'group' (ie, you) stops, then the others (ie, him) will either take the piss or tell you that you're being some kind of martyr. The truth is that those very same people (ie, him) are jealous because they themselves don't have the motivation to stop it. Dope also causes paranoia and if he wasn't holed up in the house getting stoned, he'd be in the right state of mind to take you on a night out and perhaps meet new people etc etc. Then he'd not be so frigging lonely which he blames you for.

He needs a mirror and to take a good bloody look in it. His problems come from him.....not you!

Have you actually thought that you child is going to grow up thinking this behaviour is normal?