How much do you do for your DH/DP?

[GoodGrrrlGoneBad]

And do you feel taken for granted?

I'm just wondering how much other women do for their partners, in terms of say laundry, packed lunches, cooking etc etc, and if they feel appreciated?

I've always taken control of the laundry in our house, mainly because DH is genuinely unable to detect when it should be done (ie, he would wait until nobody had ANY clean clothes left, and then do it) But, i've been feeling quite taken for granted (ie, like a maid picking up his clothes, washing and drying them) and told DH that i won't be washing any of his clothes from now on. I'm now resisiting the urge to do any washing for him today, as the basket is completely full of his stuff.

I should point out that he is a very hands on Dad and does his share of most other things (apart from cooking, as he is pants) but i feel very liberated at the moment!

Well, when I do the cooking, I cook for him too. And I wash everyones clothes.....

He would always like me to do more for him, though, if you know what I mean , [nudge], [nudge]

Oh. Specifically for dh.

Erm... I fold his pants the way he likes them folded. I used to fold his socks into pairs but when I was in hospital after ds2's birth dh and MIL decided it would be ok for them just to be balled into pairs and proceeded to take out ALL the folded pairs and ball them I also make sure that all his shirts face the same way in the wardrobe and have the second-to-top button done up.

And I always ensure he has his revolting fizzy Benylin drink in. (Red Bull copycat.)

We don't have kids. We mostly split the chores but I must admit it annoys me when he expects thanks and praise for ordinary tasks I would just do and then forget about.

I think that is the 'taking for granted' part, ie when women do things it's just expected, but when men do them we use phrases such as 'irons his own shirts' as if this is somehow worthy of remark.

Women don't iron their own stuff, they just 'do the ironing' etc.

plumprump- you are joking? Aren't you?!

I don't know about barmy dividing jobs. To me, it feels safer if both partners have the basic competence to keep the house running if the other partner is taken ill or even dies. When I had pleurisy, it was a relief to know that at least I wouldn't have to worry about the children being looked after; dh can do that as well as I can.

If something serious were to happen to one of us, at least the other partner wouldn't have the struggle of unfamiliar tasks added to the burden of grief.

I don't think it matters who does the stuff most of the time as long as you can both do it at a pinch.

That's a good point cory, but I'm sure dp could manage to look after the kids, it's not rocket science!

Most women in my position looked after themselves for a good while before they got shacked up and are perfectly able to deal with all things like bills, insurance pensions etc, it' just that why should BOTH of them do it now? There's no point.
I

No, but my friend is dying and her husband is really really struggling. It would be dreadful for him anyway, but at least his life would be easier if she hadn't always looked after the bills, cooked for the children, organised book bags, been the only person to know where things are kept etc etc.

Of course he has looked after himself once upon a time, but that is not the same as looking after a household of three children.

The children have to bear the brunt of his frustration at a time when they are also struggling with losing their Mum. I just feel life could have been easier for all concerned if he had known a bit more about how the house is run all along.

And we do seem to hear an awful lot on Mumsnet about fathers who are afraid to look after their own children for the weekend or not knowing what to do in an emergency. What's that all about?

sorry about your friend cory

I am a sahm, I do all the general cleaning in the house and 99% of the cooking, organising of kids. Dh is very good at tidying (moving things from one place to another so it looks tidier till you open a cupboard or drawer and everything falls out, but I often do the same..so can't complain there!) he's great at diy, he is also better at the washing then I am but he doesn't iron or sort out the airing cupboard. He clears up after dinner and we both get the kids ready for bed, bath, stories etc. He's also great for taking the kids when I want to go to the shops.

Erm...no, GoddGrrrl I'm not

In his defence, if I told dh I wasn't going to do it anymore, I don't think he'd quibble. He used to be worse- rotating shoes, suits etc.

But a lot of his quirks are due to a near-fatal accident he had some years ago, after which he had to relearn a lot of things. And according to his mum, he learned to be very precise about certain things,to keep control, sort of. (Not explaining very well!)
Anyway I do it now without thinking.

GGGB - Try putting a laundry basket in the bedroom (or whatever room he gets undressed in). I would resent picking dirty clothes up off the floor. Even my DC can get them in the laundry bin.

The thing I am trying to do is instill in my children (including DS) some basic routines to keep on top of things (incld tidy up toys and dirty washing in laundry etc). I have found flylady very useful in this.

My dh shared a flat with his brother for a while. MIL used to come round and clean/launder every week . Even worse, when she went on holiday she asked their sister to go round and clean/launder . Of course she refused. I tend to feel dh is a lost cause. But no way will I treat DS like this!

Loathesome. Don't worry he will manage fine (it might not be perfect but it will be fine).

Ooo this is interesting.... I work 3 days, dh works 5.
I do all shopping, cooking, cleaning, laundry and nursery runs, general child responsibility.
He does DIY and ocasionally garden. He gives dd breakfast and does her bedtime when he gets in from work.
If I ask in advance he sometimes picks dd up from nursery- about once a month.

Cory actually that is exactly why I made dh learn to do a lot of stuff. He couldn't do simple things like do up the straps on dd's carseat or fold the buggy for well over a year. He didn't change nappies, had no idea what she ate etc, if I asked him to dress her he'd put totally unsuitable clothes for the weather on her. I was pregnant with ds who had suspected IUGR and it really scared me to realise that if I had to go into hospital or something that he wouldn't be able to look after his daughter.

Cory - totally agree with your post.

my dad worked away and the first time he ever looked after me and my sister was when my mum was in hospital with cancer and was too ill to look after us.

he really didn't have a clue what food we liked / didn't like, how to bath us (I was 6, my sister was 8 so we were still pretty reliant for lots of things)

My mum actually recovered (still here today! ) but ironically, it's those little things that got to me the most during that time - that def. made it harder at the time.

when you put it like that plumprump, it is a bit different.

the worst thing i've heard of is wives who cut their husbands toenails Unless they're physically unable, that is horrendous imo!

PlumpRump - I know a woman that irons her husband's underpants because she is my MIL and has been doing it for 50 years!

I've cut my mum's toenails when she couldn't bend down to reach them (arthritis). She didn't like to ask my father!

In our household I work and dh does everything at home. It's lovely. I find housework unbearably tedious, but dh seems to quite like it (well he does it anyway!). He has always done the washing (he thinks I'm too careless), and prior to children I did the cooking in return. Now he does the cooking too, and really doesn't like me in the kitchen, although I do feel I should do the washing up (I was brought up with a the cook never does the washing up rule). He makes bread and muffins too, although not pudding. I'm afraid all I do is put my washing away, and if I notice make the beds (if I don't he will have done it already).

I do feel a little bad because when I had my last phase of being a SAHM I didn't do half the stuff he does now. My only defense is that I was not a SAHM by choice (we were in the States and I didn't have a work permit) whereas now he is positively choosing not to work, and my working enables that. I enjoy working and he enjoys being at home and the children like having him. So that works out well.

Last time he was a SAHD was a very different story because we weren't getting on at all well. I think that is the key, if you are happy with each other and the way you do things works then that's what matters.

I'm a SAHM, DH works long hours so all shopping/cooking/childcare/cleaning/washing/money stuff/DIY/bins/gardening is generally down to me.

All my kids are at school which makes my life very easy and it only takes an hour max. per day to knock the house into shape.

If DH is here he does stuff, and if I were working too certain stuff that I do would be outsourced anyway.

I've read on here about men who come home and criticise the state of the house + who expect to be waited on hand and foot, I couldn't tolerate that. It's all about fairness and working together to make family life as happy as possible.

Sometimes i dont think i do very much for my DP at all. But if i list it lets see........

I cook (most nights)
I care for his DD
I do his washing (but don't iron)
I do his admin for his business
I clean the house (losely speaking!)
I run him baths (not always)
Sexual favours
I listen to him mithering on about work

I don't make him packed lunch ' and probably should.

Thing is, the reason i say i don't do much for DP is that all those things i am doing for all of us.

He does approximately
Pretty much principal parent for DD when he is home (daddy's girl)
Does bedtime (oh how i love him for that)
Works himself ragged (leaves the house at 6.30 often not home even by 7 )
Worries himself about the bills
Occasionally cooks
goes to the shop for me on request
Does the weekly shop either with me or on his own (easier)
runs me baths (not all the time)
makes my tea and toast in the am
sexual favours

Oh dear, his list is longer than mine

I think I feel taken for granted somewhat because my father, as well as working a long day, did masses round the house. He washed up every evening, paid all bills, organised all workmen etc, looked after pets (taking dog for a walk at 6am!) hoovered... the list goes on. In fact my mother (sahm) was flippin' lucky. Or perhaps unlucky because when my father died she had no clue how to do anything - had never even seen a bill, let alone written a cheque.

I do everything. But on the other hand dh is as I type sitting in a long series of boring old meetings and I am... very busy MNing.

i do everything child care such as ds food im sahm i make sure all housework is done i do 90% washing up i do all laundry pick it up off floor etc

he works really long hours at work and is hardly here but if asked will help i don't expect things i realize if i want help to ask him

and i also notice even if i ask him i don't give him chance to do it i go off and do it before he does as he hasn't done it quick enough lol

i cook all meals he will if i ask him once in blue moon sometimes i feel hard done by but then i realize i find it ok sometimes it keeps me busy and i cant expect him to know what to do if i don't ask as he isn't here a lot and doesn't know routine what needs to be done etc

Namechanger
Me:
Work longer hours than DP. Professional work.
Do at least 90% of care for DS.
Do 7-8 hours nursery run per week for DS.
Do virtually all shopping.
Do all stuff in relation to cars. Cars belong to me. DP does not drive.
Do at least half of household stuff. Cooking cleaning etc.
Do the gardening. DP doesn?t garden.
Can do most DIY including electrics, decorating, simple construction like partition walls, decking etc. Don?t so much atm as we are in rented accommodation.
Property manage my rented out house.
Feel totally knackered.

DP:
Does most of the care for DSS, he is with us 8 nights a month.
Does cooking cleaning etc, Not sure how much. Does proper cooking mostly when DSS is here.
Does a lot of charity work.
Does a lot of fiddling with computers often into the wee small hours.

ABetaDad- I would NEVER iron ANYONE'S pants. The very idea!!

But my MIL does.
And towels.
And socks.

I do the things I like doing and am good at (cooking, running the household finances), he does the things he is good at (his hobbies!).

We pay someone to clean since neither of us like it, and it would cause tension.

We both put the washing on, but I hang it up when it is finished and he sometimes leaves it damp in the basket until it smells and needs to be washed again!

I put his clothes on his side of the bed, but don't pair his socks (usually because the sock monster has eaten several of them and we always have lots of mysterious single socks). If he wants a shirt ironed he knows where the iron is and how to use it. If he enjoys the feel of 100% cotton next to his skin, then I wouldn't want to deprive him of the feel of it on his hands as he irons.

Sometimes I get a resentful feeling but that is usually a symptom of other things, like being too tired, pmt, or feeling generally unappreciated / unloved. The conversation though is usually about the damp washing.

A good dose of humour and love always help.