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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

What goes on when I leave our tiny baby with DP?

43 replies

justtoomuch · 03/03/2009 09:09

In a nutshell - left 8 week DD with DP on Saturday to go for a haircut. Was gone an hour and a half.

In that time, he took her round to his ex-girlfriend's house to meet her. He didn't mention to me he was going, didn't ask me whether I minded. (She's a friend of his, but I've only met her once, and that's only because I came home early from work to find her here as they'd been to a funeral together.) I called him when I got back and the pair of them weren't here, he dropped the call but actually pressed the answer button so I could hear he was talking to a woman. I thought he was in some cafe, didn't think any more of it so hung up.

When I finally got to speak to him on the phone, he told me where he was. I was angry that he hadn't asked me if I minded, but there was nothing I could do, so I dropped it. We haven't been getting on and I didn't want another row.

However, something else has come to light. I just noticed a porn site on the computer's drop down address bar, so, (rightly or wrongly, I don't care, flame me) I checked the history to find nothing, so looked in the cache. In the minutes after I left, before he went to his ex's house, he spent about 6 minutes looking at this porn site. From what I can remember, DD was awake when I left to go for my haircut. I don't care what he looks at when he is on his own, but I feel sick to my stomach to think he has been looking at porn while in sole charge of our new little DD.

OP posts:

Portofino · 03/03/2009 09:14

Sorry - but this whole scenario would set BIG alarms bells ringing for me. You came home early to find ex in your house. You pop out and he goes straight round there without him mentioning....Hmmm. Even without the quick porn site visit. Does he generally see a lot of the ex?

PottyCock · 03/03/2009 09:17

I would feel extremely uncomfortable about this too. Was dd planned?

Original poster

justtoomuch · 03/03/2009 09:17

No, not really, they were together a long time though, and after they split (more than 4 years ago) she got a serious illness which he supported her through, so they will always have a bond.

OP posts:

wannaBe · 03/03/2009 09:19

So he looked at porn and then rushed straight round to his ex?

Alarm bells would be ringing for me too I'm afraid.

PottyCock · 03/03/2009 09:20

It's the secrecy that would bother me about it all I think - the porn thing could be escapism I suppose. How has he adjusted to having a child?

Original poster

justtoomuch · 03/03/2009 09:20

Yes, DD was very much planned - he expressed the desire to start a family before I did, though we were both equally keen.

My hands are shaking. I hate the thought of porn around children. I fould porn in my stepdad's drawer as a child, and he went on to sexually abuse me.

OP posts:

PottyCock · 03/03/2009 09:21

Oops wannabe, I missed that order of events actually - OP how horrible for you.

PottyCock · 03/03/2009 09:21

That's terrible. Do you feel able to talk to him about it?

giantkatestacks · 03/03/2009 09:22

justtoomuch - I wouldnt read that into it at all tbh - I would much more worried that he was having an affair.

compo · 03/03/2009 09:23

maybe he didn't tell you because he knows you wouldn't like it?
if he is friends with his ex then it's understandable he'd want her to meet his new dd
you need to tell him there must be no secrets, if you don't want him seeing his ex anymore you have to tell him that to

PottyCock · 03/03/2009 09:36

That's a possibility - however, I think the OP is right to be uncomfortable about the fact that right after she left her DP looking after their DD he went straight onto the computer for a look at some porn, before trotting round to his exgf's house with their child - there's something about that chain of events that is staggeringly inappropriate, and suggests he isn't entirely committed to their family unit -particularly as this is all kept secret from the OP.

Original poster

justtoomuch · 03/03/2009 09:41

I think it was more a case of he went out walking with DD, found himself near his ex's house, and called in. She has a grown-up daughter and grandchild who also live there, and they were there, so I know nothing untoward went on, and he told me about it afterwards so I'm not sure it can be classed as a secret - he just wouldn't have done it if I was ther, so it makes me feel really odd - excluded.

As for how he's been since DD was born - supportive, as long as he can still do the things he wants - so he's out pursuing his hobbies 3 nights a week and half of the weekend, and sits in the nights when he's here drinking his own body weight in lager (the reason we're not getting on).

OP posts:

fanjoforthemammaries7850 · 03/03/2009 09:42

Men do look at porn though, although it is a bit dodgy with your DD there, however I assume she was not watching him looking at it.

Could he not just have taken her to see his ex-gf to show off his lovely baby to her though?

I don't buy that he looked at the porn and then was so fired up he rushed over there to have an affair tbh.

Original poster

justtoomuch · 03/03/2009 09:43

Sorry for typos - one handed typing while DD asleep on me.

OP posts:

PottyCock · 03/03/2009 09:44

It sounds like there's much more to this than the exgf - does he have a drink problem do you think?

I discovered my dp had a drug issue after we had our dd. It came out in the wash after weeks of not getting on - I felt his life hadn't really changed after dd arrived and we were arguing because I felt very unsupported by him.

Original poster

justtoomuch · 03/03/2009 09:47

No, I also don't think that was the case. I am just hoping DD was having a little nap while he was looking - and I do think DP wanted to show off his gorgeous daughter. I just feel uncomfortabe about it.

Poor lad has to get his kicks somewhere, after stitches from failed forceps, plus a section, plus constant night feeding, plus me having shingles at the mo, he's not getting any from me.

OP posts:

fanjoforthemammaries7850 · 03/03/2009 09:49

He probably just seized the chance to look at some while you weren't there.

You should definitely talk to him about visiting his ex-gf, maybe he doesn't realise you feel uncomfortable with it, but it should be something you two can discuss.

Sounds like you are feeling low and needing some more emotional support from him.

PottyCock · 03/03/2009 09:50

It's understandable - eight weeks after having a baby that last thing I'd want my dp doing would be looking at saucy women on the internet or going to see his exgf!

You just need to sit down and have a chat with him. Make sure you're both on the same page.

Original poster

justtoomuch · 03/03/2009 09:50

I don't know PottyCock, does 6 big cans of strong lager plus half a bottle of wine sitting in the house on a Saturday night constitute a drink problem?

OP posts:

fanjoforthemammaries7850 · 03/03/2009 09:50

Yes it is understandable, especially after a traumatic birth, I would have been exactly the same.

He does need to know you feel like this I think.

PottyCock · 03/03/2009 09:50

Well I think that's loads, to be completely honest with you.

PottyCock · 03/03/2009 09:51

-sorry, i thought you meant every night - did you mean every night?

fanjoforthemammaries7850 · 03/03/2009 09:53

It is quite a lot...my DH probably has a glass or two of wine and a pint or two on a saturday night.

I'd say its heavy consumption but not a drink problem if its only once a week though.

PottyCock · 03/03/2009 09:55

Sounds like more than that from your prev post saying he "sits in the nights when he's here drinking his own body weight in lager (the reason we're not getting on)."

I can understand why you're not happy if this is the case.

Original poster

justtoomuch · 03/03/2009 09:56

He drinks most nights, 3, maybe 4 cans. Saturday was the most he'd had for a while.

I know also he was shocked to see the post-baby flab. I was feeding DD and my top was up, and he said "Is THAT your tummy?", so not feeling too great about myself at the mo! We're sleeping separately, mostly because of the feeds but also he snores after a few, and I'm sleep-deprived as it is.

God, isn't being a new Mum just great?!

OP posts:

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