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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

my husband just said

29 replies

hunnybun1981 · 02/03/2009 23:16

if i go near him he will smash my head of a wall, nice eh i come in from work to find him downing a bottle of vodka, an ofcourse a row errupts.

OP posts:

LauriefairycakeeatsCupid · 02/03/2009 23:17

go and find somewhere safe

JodieO · 02/03/2009 23:18

That's awful

Original poster

hunnybun1981 · 02/03/2009 23:19

i am not scared of him he is such a dickhead!

sometimes i wonder why we even got married i wont be leaving i have kids in bed.

OP posts:

controlfreakythecontrolfreak · 02/03/2009 23:19

you need to prioritise your safety and any dcs who are with you. please go somewhere safe.

controlfreakythecontrolfreak · 02/03/2009 23:21

x posts. does he normally talk / threaten violence like this? has he ever been violent? you seem very "flat" about his frightening behaviour...

Original poster

hunnybun1981 · 02/03/2009 23:21

he has calmed down now as i just refuse to row with him now

i am ok thanks

OP posts:

solidgoldbullet4myvalentine · 02/03/2009 23:23

You don't have to leave. If he starts, call 999 and the police will come and remove him.

JodieO · 02/03/2009 23:23

Doesn't sound like a nice environment to live in or for dcs tbh.

Original poster

hunnybun1981 · 02/03/2009 23:24

yes he has been violent before and i got the police they removed him.

i know its not a normal way to react but sometimes i think i instigate things too.

OP posts:

LuckySalem · 02/03/2009 23:25

hunny - you know your DH better than any of us so if you think its safe to stay then I hope you're right.

HOWEVER please take a mobile to bed with you and within reach in case something happens.

Original poster

hunnybun1981 · 02/03/2009 23:25

he has seen sense and taken him self off to bed

OP posts:

Alambil · 02/03/2009 23:29

999

0808 2000 247

Just in case.

Take a phone to bed please.

How do you think you instigated that? You were at work and he is drinking vodka....

JodieO · 02/03/2009 23:29

I doubt you instigate things, that's typical thinking of someone that's being abused or has a violent partner. Please don't blame yourself. Think of it this way; how would you feel if your son/daughter was treated the same way you have been? Does that make any difference to how you'd react?

Original poster

hunnybun1981 · 02/03/2009 23:36

i know what ur saying yes, maybe i should have just came in and went to bed.

i dont know how to make the break with 2 young children

OP posts:

Alambil · 02/03/2009 23:40

Sweetheart, why should you just come in and go to bed? Why don't you deserve to chill out til you want to go to bed? To have a drink, smoke a fag (I don't know if you do or not.... just saying you could)

Ring Womens Aid - 0808 2000 247 or the police (on their "normal" number) and ask for the domestic violence unit to report an incident

Would you like to leave? is it just the logistics stopping you?

There are ways and means you can leave, or get him to leave.... don't worry about that.

Original poster

hunnybun1981 · 02/03/2009 23:45

lewisfan i suppose if i had the money i would be away, i work to get food clothes etc and he pays the rent which he always reminds me about

i work part time and am on ok money, i dont know if i still love him sometimes we have great times and other times its horrible

we have a child with a disability and it adds to the pressure sometimes.

i couldnt cope financially and i need him for childcare so i can work.

we will see what tomorrow brings, i will sleep in ds room.

thanks for kind words

OP posts:

Alambil · 02/03/2009 23:47

Will you ring womens aid when he's out and just see what they could do to help?

Life in safety (on benefits if needs be) is more important, do you think?

Go careful. Stay safe. Take a mobile, will you?

Original poster

hunnybun1981 · 02/03/2009 23:51

thanks i am off to bed he is in bed now

i will take mob with me upstairs ta
x

OP posts:

JodieO · 02/03/2009 23:52

Just wanted to tell you about me. I was in an abusive relationship until I threw him out (after 10 years) 6 months ago. I have 3 dc's, dd just turned 7, ds1 5 and ds2 just turned 2. I'm coping just fine, I'm a sahm because I cannot afford anything else and yes I'm on benefits now for the first time in my life. I'm so much happier now and so are the children, life is calm and I don't have to worry about what he will say or do next. Think about it.

Original poster

hunnybun1981 · 03/03/2009 00:00

thanks jodieO, i think u have gave me food for thought and i will think about it a lot.

if i had somewhere to go i would up and go tomorrow i think.

nite
x

OP posts:

Alambil · 03/03/2009 00:20

WA can help you with that, hunny - there's a lot of help out there

Just don't think there's not a way - sure, it won't be easy, especially with kids with extra needs, but there are ways and strategies WA know of

Coldtits · 03/03/2009 00:25

Life on benefits is so very much better than a life of abusive behavior.

You don't have to be SCARED for his behavior to be WRONG.

I was never scared of exp, no matter what he did to me, but it occured to me one day that just cos I wasn't scared didn't mean my boys wives wouldn't be wehen my boys started battering them - as I was increasing the chances of my sons being wife beaters.

StercusAccidit · 03/03/2009 09:05

To bring up a missed point

You were slaving away at work
Your DP was supposed to be taking care of your kids who were in bed
Instead he was boozing
You come in from work and he threatens to smash your head in
Why? Was he worried you were going to take his bokkie off him?

Twat

Are you ok OP ?

Original poster

hunnybun1981 · 03/03/2009 11:36

yes i am fine thanks, yes this is my point about the booze imagine if he came home from work and i was drunk and the kids were in bed yeh as if cus it would never ever happen!!!

twat r the words, we were arguing and he saidif you come near me i will smash ur head off the wall, he has apologised this morning and said he was a dickhead again! and that he was sorry.

not sure where i will go from here, time will tell.

OP posts:

whereismumhiding · 03/03/2009 12:26

It sounds like you're getting in a pattern of arguing dangerously as a couple. Does DH get aggressive usually when he drinks? He needs to understand that. What did he learn from being taken away by police last time?

Can you read Relate "Stop Arguing, Start talking" Susan Quillam together- it's on the Relate website. It's a very good book about how to change the way you argue as a couple and you can read it on your own if he wont.

You cant change him, but if he is genuinely sorry, rather than just wanting to keep you with him, it's a start. He cant carry on thinking it's normal to be threaten you like that. Relate do help with this kind of thing and you sound as if you need help. x

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