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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I have put up with it long enough

44 replies

Beauregard · 01/03/2009 21:04

I am so
I feel ill ,sick to the stomach with anger.
I have been unwell for weeks(chronic depression) and had had a good week and built myself back up once again only to be crushed back down once again.
That bitch of a mil has finally broken me and dp isn't remotely angered.If my mom had insulted him the way she has today i would have gone mad at her.But no so he obviously doesn't give a toss,too many times he hasn't stuck up for me.We have our problems anyway well this may be the last straw and she can finally have the last laugh the evil twisted bitch that she is.

OP posts:
dizzydixies · 01/03/2009 21:05

oh no pelvic, am so sorry to hear this, especially after you had been doing so well

why isn't he sticking up for you?

MrsY · 01/03/2009 21:07

Oh. I'm so sorry. These steps back are so hard when fighting depression.

Does your partner know that his mum makes you feel like this?

AnyFucker · 01/03/2009 21:10

what has she done PFNM?

it sounds awful

Original poster
Beauregard · 01/03/2009 21:10

Basically because dd1 has been getting upset when i have to go to work(i work 4-8 4 days a week and occasionally pick up a 2-10 shift elsewhere)It breaks my heart when she gets upset and yes i would rather be at home with my girls but dp doesn't earn enough.my wages buy our food and pays for preschool and dancing for dd1 and anything else the girls or we need.Mil said that she thought it was awful and that my children should come 1st and that my priorities are all wrong,my girls will be emotionally damaged .When i told her why i work she said it was utter rubbish and we aren't that desperate.

OP posts:
Original poster
Beauregard · 01/03/2009 21:12

Dp is well aware of how she treats me.
The dd's (7 and 3)have been crying because i was so upset.She is such a bitch and has set me back weeks.
Dp said he will speak to her but he should have had a go at her when she said it on the phone to me.She even had the nerve to ask "why is she getting in a state?"

17 fuckin years of it............

OP posts:
benfmsmum · 01/03/2009 21:16

You aren't that desperate because you work!! You are doing what is best for your dc's and your family. It is upsetting when your children get upset when you leave them but you can't be with them 24/7 and in the long run they will become more confident in their own skin and you will have been part of that process! Think about the good week that you have had, and keep taking those steps to your health and happiness, ignore others who don't want to encourage and support you!

dizzydixies · 01/03/2009 21:24

oh no, she sounds awful. is there no way you can cut her out completely?

Original poster
Beauregard · 01/03/2009 21:31

Thing is Dizzy i have been trying to avoid cutting her off and be the 'bigger person'.I have swallowed my anger over the years and made an effort and whenever i think we are turning the corner she pounces with something.
I want my girls to have 2 sets of grandparents .

OP posts:
Original poster
Beauregard · 01/03/2009 21:32

Dp cant really think much of me i dont think.
He is busying himself now and dd2 wont go to sleep.

OP posts:
dizzydixies · 01/03/2009 21:39

pelvic, I realise you're trying to be the bigger person here BUT do they really need 2 sets of grandparents if its detrimental to your health?

you are their MOTHER and you're battling with depression which is hard enough at the best of times without having to put up with that shit as well

can she not see the girls without you having to be involved as well?

is your DP just trying to ignore the confrontation? it must be a bit of a rock and a hard place between his partner and his mother - although I DO think he should be protecting you from her nonsense

benfmsmum · 01/03/2009 21:41

Perhaps your dp doesn't know what to say and is saying nothing, men imo aren't very good at saying the right things when needed. Don't let your head make up things that your dp may not be actually thinking. Your dd is probably picking up on the fact that you are upset. You have been strong enough to have a good week - how great is that!! Write down the good things that happened during the week and focus on them, write them down and reread them. You are doing a great job, you have the strength to get yourself over this and have another fab week with dc's who love you!

benfmsmum · 01/03/2009 21:43

Dizzy is right, let your dp take the girls to see their grandmother and you stay away and enjoy some me time!!

Original poster
Beauregard · 01/03/2009 21:46

So in the long run i become the outcast.
My girls will want know why mommy is staying at home.
I know what you are saying though.

wanker still hasnt called her

OP posts:
benfmsmum · 01/03/2009 21:48

No not the outcast, the strong sensible one who took time to get herself better before dealing with other peoples small mindedness!! Better that then your girls seeing you upset when mil says something else stupid.

dizzydixies · 01/03/2009 21:49

no darling, not the outcast at all - you're just giving yourself some time to heal/recover/cope/relax without having to deal with added stress factors involved with seeing her

there are lots of kids who go and see their grandparents without the parents going too - its the advantage of family - the girls get spoilt by their grandparents and you retain your sanity

loflo · 01/03/2009 21:56

Hello pelvic - have been where you are and can totally sympathise. We (DH, DS and myself) have had no contact now for two years with IL's and of course it is sad that DS has lost a set of grandparents. But as DH says DS does not need role models like MIL and there are lots of other good folk around him who don't treat his mum (thats me ) like crap.

I also felt bad for my parents and spent nearly the first year crying and depressed about it. It would never have been my choice but sometimes we have to put ourselves first. I have always said to Dh that I have no issue with him maintaining contact with his parents but he has chosen not to.

As far as DS is concerned initially I encouraged DH to take DS to see them but again he felt he did not want to do this. Now so much time has passed I dont think DS (aged 5) would know them if he walked past them in the street. Sad but true. If your DH want to take DC's to see her fine - he can go alone. You concentrate on you and getting well.

As for moaning at you for working FFS does she live in a different century? The reality is that most of us have to work. Although mine was horrified that I was returning to work and using, wait for it, a nursery. She was more than happy to look after DS. Over my dead body......

Take care

Original poster
Beauregard · 01/03/2009 22:07

Can you believe that he has finally phoned and she is ignoring the phone????

OP posts:
Original poster
Beauregard · 01/03/2009 22:08

Thankyou for the messages

OP posts:
loflo · 01/03/2009 22:10

Oh I can believe it..... Please please please try and distance yourself from her and her behaviours. You will spend hours trying to analyse them and be no further forward. Try and get a good nights sleep.

Original poster
Beauregard · 01/03/2009 22:51

Have just told dp that i cannot believe he is not angry on my behalf.He said "I dont do angry but i will tell her" but he can shout in my face when i am upset.I call that anger.Well i do anger and i am fucking seething right now.

I honestly think this will finish us.

OP posts:
HolyGuacamole · 01/03/2009 23:22

When it comes to inlaws who can't keep their mouth shut, the DH NEEDS to support the wife: YOU! Ok there are times when we are wrong or being unreasonable and we need people who are close to us to kick our asses and tell us when we are being that way.

However. Your DH needs to step up the plate. 17 years is a LONG time to put up with this. Yes, he DOES need to chat with his mother BUT he needs to do it because he himself clearly sees that she is being a pain it the ass and not just because you are getting on at him. It's time he cut the apron strings. It has probably gotten to the point where anything she says annoys you - that is natural when we have pent up anger/emotions that haven't been previously settled.

Does he always back down to his mother? Does he stand up for himself or just appease her to save any upset?

You can sort this but he needs to be on your side. She can only do these things for as long as you both allow her.

Original poster
Beauregard · 01/03/2009 23:32

He doesnt like confrontation so stays silent for an easy life
Pussy imo.

OP posts:
dizzydixies · 02/03/2009 18:15

how are you doing today Pelvic? I hope you haven't let this get you down again today. did DH speak to her?

Original poster
Beauregard · 02/03/2009 21:21

Hi Dizzy

Not been as bad as i thought but still reeling from it and very tired.I didnt really sleep very well last night and today i have felt anxious all day,almost like i can feel the malice eminating from her.

Dp still hasnt called her as he has to take over the childcare whilst i am at work so it wasnt really appropriate to do it in front of dc.

Still waiting though

I imagine the silly cow still probably has the phone turned off.

OP posts:
dizzydixies · 02/03/2009 21:25

am sorry to hear that, I tend to find that tiredness and anxiety mixed together can be hellish - lets hope you have a better night tonight and don't let her worry you anymore

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