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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

I have put up with it long enough

44 replies

Beauregard · 01/03/2009 21:04

I am so
I feel ill ,sick to the stomach with anger.
I have been unwell for weeks(chronic depression) and had had a good week and built myself back up once again only to be crushed back down once again.
That bitch of a mil has finally broken me and dp isn't remotely angered.If my mom had insulted him the way she has today i would have gone mad at her.But no so he obviously doesn't give a toss,too many times he hasn't stuck up for me.We have our problems anyway well this may be the last straw and she can finally have the last laugh the evil twisted bitch that she is.

OP posts:

Original poster

Beauregard · 02/03/2009 21:31

Thanks dizzy i hope tonight is better.

Still waiting for dp's anger to manifest.

OP posts:

dizzydixies · 02/03/2009 21:33

he sounds very like my dh tbh, I've had the PIL here all weekend and the relief now is immense, DH says nothing

good luck with it

Original poster

Beauregard · 02/03/2009 21:33

OP posts:

StercusAccidit · 02/03/2009 22:03

You need to win this one or she will be the frigging bane of your life.
Please don't be too angry with DP hun, you don't know how she brought him up. My DP is scared of his mum, i will prob be the MIL from hell myself lol as my sons are the light of my life but then i have brought DS1 up to be fair and point out if i am being unfair, hopefully this will continue into his adult life, we communicate well.

Right. I have suffered from depression and a job with real live adults is the best thing you can have.. kids are wonderful but not good companions/conversationalists, and you need other adults for some aspects of your life lol.
You also sound like you need the money
Advise DP that you are going to make a stand and the reasons why, don't be mean to her .. just tell her how it is and end it with 'so stop interfering or me and you are going to fall out'

You NEED this job. Tell her how grateful you are in the current climate to have one or something. You will find the right words. Or write it in a letter, she can't argue with a letter, ignore it, unread it, or hang the phone up on it.

Good luck xxx And well done for doing what you have to improve your quality of life and your familys too

HolyGuacamole · 02/03/2009 22:06

Men in the situation that your DH is in are so emotionally controlled by their mothers. It has taken her years of training to get him like this and he is emotionally obliged to keep her happy and not rock the boat.

I am not making excuses for him at all. He knows when he calls up that he is going to get the tears, anger, denial, spitting the dummy out of the pram, accusing you of being over sensitive - whatever it is that she usually does to get her own way or justify her innocent comments. Sounds like he is putting it off for as long as possible.

Try not to let her get to you. You both need to find some sort of united front for this, and that (unfortunately for him), means that he has to break the mould and start speaking his mind. That her comments don't just hurt you, they hurt him because you are his wife.

Original poster

Beauregard · 02/03/2009 23:37

So turns out that he did call her earlier when i was at work
Said he asked what she was doing upsetting me and she told him she didnt say anything offensive....what an evil bitch.
Anyway he reckons that he told her the 'facts and figures'of why exactly i go to work and that i dont just go for the fun of it blah de blah etc etc.
Thing is though he still didnt defend me did he?
Also says that he wont be calling her /visiting again we will see.
He didnt tell her to stop her unprovoked evil poisoness bitchiness.
Not sure where 'we' can go from here as i resent him for not reading her the riot act.The sole puropse of him calling her was to put her in her place,or so i thought.

I dont think i want to be with a man that even now wont put me 1st.

like i said we had problems before and this quite possibly for me is the final nail in the coffin so to speak.

OP posts:

StercusAccidit · 03/03/2009 10:31

IMO and i am not being mean, obv not in your exact position but i think you would be making a mistake.. blaming him for someones behaviour that he has no control over.

You are the female and therefore more capable IME of sorting this old bat out.
You know she will use tears and feign innocence ect to your DP 'I don't know why she doesn't like me, i only want the best for you' ect

So you can second guess her and she won't be able to pull that with you.
What would you do if your mother or father was doing to your DP what she is doing to you? Really? Not just a kneejerk reaction 'oh i would sort them out'
My first partner adored his mum and would never be mean to her or stand up to her in any way. He was the undisputed gopher of the family.. 'fetch this, do that'
And now he is 40 and still living at home lol but seriously..some men are emotionally engineered/dominated/frightened ect ect of their mothers or of hurting their feelings, you must take these matters into your own hands as you obv have a DP who doesn't want to rock the boat or doesn't feel able to stand up to her.
Nothing wrong with that, not all men are emotional and physical 'he-men' who can take on the world and win.

They are human the same as us and they do have weaknesses.
This woman just happens to be your DP's

Look, you can always look forward to the day you can dance on her grave ok

StercusAccidit · 03/03/2009 10:34

PS i thought HolyGuacamole's post was spot on x

MadameCastafiore · 03/03/2009 10:39

SO what did you expect your DH to do - ring her and go ballistic down the phone?

That would have made you feel better for a very short time but would have caused ill feelings between all of you.

Just because your DH is not one to fly of the handle doesn't mean he doesn't love you - that is just his way.

And why couldn't you have put her in her place whan she said what she did about you going to work?

georgiemum · 03/03/2009 10:44

I would have asked him to go around and see her face to face.

You don't need to excuse yourself and explain the ins and outs of your finances to her. The issue is that she needs to keep a civil tongue in her head. OK so she is his mum but he needs to realise that you and the children and the main priority.

He doesn't need to fight with her, just explain in simple terms that her behaviour is unacceptable and that if she can't treat you with the respect you deserve as a) his wife, b) the mother of her grandchildren and c) as another human being - that she will be cut off from day to day family life. No nastiness, just suggest the need to cut her out as she is damaging to the family. If he goes in acusing her she will probably dig her heels in and it may turn nasty - she probably just doesn't really know what the hell she is talking about and needs to know that the children will get to a stage when they won't want to see her because she upsets mummy so much. How is his dad with it all? Or is she a lonely and bitter woman?

warthog · 03/03/2009 10:45

actually, i think your dp has done well. he DID phone her and tell her to stop. just didn't do EXACTLY what you wanted.

he is trying. give him a chance.

she sounds absolutely awful. don't forget, she's been poisoning him through his young, formative years. it's not surprising he's finding this extremely difficult.

HolyGuacamole · 03/03/2009 14:15

Can you draw a line under this occasion and talk with your DH about how you will deal with these instances in future? Together as a team?

PS: I don't think you as a family have to justify your finances/work/life choices to anyone. A simple "this is our choice, please keep your opinions to yourself unless they are helpful or constructive" is sufficient. You are hardly going to make decision in your loves that put unnecessary risks in your path are you? You make the best choices to allow your family to get through life as best you can and no one should be in a position where they feel comfortable making snide comments on that.

Am glad that he called her though.

HolyGuacamole · 03/03/2009 14:18

"You are hardly going to make decisions in your lives that put....."

MadamDeathstare · 03/03/2009 14:29

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

Beauregard · 03/03/2009 21:04

I feel even angrier about it all today.
Dp and i not really talking now either.I am sick of always instigating and leading any discussions we have.

MadameCastaFiore-I told her that i found her remarks very insulting and that i would be putting dp back on the phone because i didnt wish to speak to her anymore.Then when i had a second to catch my breath i shouted to her that i do put my dc 1st and how dare she say thing's like that about me,how unkind and twisted she must be.

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pinkteddy · 04/03/2009 22:47

How are things today pelvic?

brettgirl2 · 05/03/2009 13:16

I think that this is a symptom of the classic MIL problem - she thinks her DS is the most wonderful human being that walks the earth. The problem is that you pointing out that you need to work in her eyes is criticising her DS for not earning enough. The way anyone else would see it is that anyone would find it hard to manage on just one salary and therefore you working helps.

Although tbh she sounds like a foul old bat I think you need to decide how you are going to deal with it and take the action.

Original poster

Beauregard · 05/03/2009 22:29

Hi
well dp and i are speaking now but still quite strained tbh.The mil word hasnt been uttered though.I have no intentions of seeing that bitch again or having her set foot in my house.Dp says the same but i doubt it will last as he has said it in the past.

OP posts:

pinkteddy · 07/03/2009 14:35

Glad you are feeling better and things are better between you and dp

It must be hard for him though, she is his mother however badly she behaves. How will he cope if she tries to contact him? Has he agreed to break all ties permanently? (sorry I don't know any previous history apart from this thread).

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