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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Virtually no sex drive, feel really guilty

46 replies

minxthemanx · 01/03/2009 11:59

Tell me it's not just me! Poor DH, feel so sorry for him, but I just have no desire for nookie these days - usual story, 2 young DS, work part-time, busy house wife, am just too knackered. Every night I go to bed hoping he won't suggest it, poor bloke. I love cuddles, but am loathe to in case he thinks it will lead on. We have had lots of ups & downs over married life, but it's more that I just don't have any desire for nookie. Or very rarely. Sometimes on waking up I feel more in the mood, but not practical as DC up and around. This is awful I know, but i go through the motions for DH's sake every so often, (once a fortnightish), but rarely get much from it. Am sad that I would rather read my book and go to sleep. Anyone else the same? Any good tips for finding some way to feel up for it?

OP posts:
bubblagirl · 01/03/2009 12:04

i think its called life im afraid all you can do is set time once a week to have children in bed early dress nice and feel confident have dinner maybe bottle of wine and make time for each other regardless of if it leads somewhere

we go through stages where we do this and its so nice and then we let life take over again cant be bothered don't feel sexy genuinely don't feel close to dp to even want to make love he works long hours so we can become quite distant

we at the moment are trying to set special time aside again as all going bit stale i have no confidence to even be forward but i do when when i feel close to him i feel sexy and appreciated rather than feeling i best just get it over with

minxthemanx · 01/03/2009 12:09

Even when we do go through the motions I feel irritated and want to shout "stop fiddling with my boobs!" God what a cow. I'm sure I must have enjoyed it once!

OP posts:
beanie35 · 01/03/2009 12:22

Know how you feel minx. We have had some very difficult situations to deal with in the last two years (neither of us at fault) and its really taken it out on me. I would much prefer an early night with a book to anything else. Last time I felt remotely 'up for it' was in december-thats awful isn't it. I know I should make more effort, and I do feel bad for his sake, but would happily never do it again given the choice. Thought I'd start to feel like this at 50 maybe, not in my thirties

Tommy · 01/03/2009 12:25

I think you must be me minx!!

I just cant be bothered - I'd rather do a sudoku

I think it's a mother nature thing - we have sex to have babies - I now have babies and , therefore, don't need to have sex anymore - simple.

Although, I would welcome some tips too please - and not dressing up in sexy undies

N1 · 01/03/2009 12:55

Some of the contraception drugs kill a person's sex drive. If you are using a contraceptive drug, perhaps look at trying another type. Or if you can risk it, come off the drug to see if that makes a diffrence then try another drug.

Some people are affected by using contraceptive drugs, some are not.

LucyEllensmummy · 01/03/2009 13:09

You are not a cow minx - you are knackered!! Got out of the swing of things. What are you asking here is? Is it OK not to feel like it, or how can i feel like it more? It is legitimate to not want it and you are not a cow, but actually i don;t think it is OK. Not about your DH, about you - you get a great deal of closeness from intimacy and it is worth making the effort sometimes as the more you do it, the more you want it.

Is HE aware of how you feel, might he be just pressing the wrong buttons. Following the same routines etc? TELL him how you feel, you just need to spice things up again - tell him that you feel pressurised when he cuddles you so that when he does cuddle you, you know you are not under pressure and well, you never know .

Its easy to get into a rut, and often i feel the same - but i can;t go two weeks, would go mad!

What about some erotic fiction - im reading the secret diary of a call girl (DP is liking that!!!!) but that is a bit full on and has lots of S&M in it so not everyones cup of tea. But whatever floats your boat - if mills and boon puts you in the mood then read that

Agree with whoever said make the effort with a nice evening together (and when you tell me how you work out how to achieve that come back and tell me!!!) bottle of wine always juices things up so to speak. Can you not get someone to babysit, go out for a meal? Thats our classic, out for an indian, sex on the beach . Yes, even in midwinter!

I know how you feel, im on medication that really takes the edge off things for me, both in terms of wanting it and sensation. I dont always have an orgasm, but I don't mind that really - if i get frustrated, thats what my fingers are for .

Really important that you talk to DH about this though, otherwise he is going to feel rejected. But if you talk to him and say you are tired, in a rutt - you never know, he might come over all mr lovva lovva and be all romantic.

Stayingsunnygirl · 01/03/2009 13:39

I know just how you are feeling, minx - I have virtually no sex drive whatsoever. I suffer from depression, which makes me tired, which kills any sex drive I might have - plus I'm overweight, which can have the same effect on libido. It's the biggest single cause of tension in my marriage.

I'm sorry that I can't offer any positive suggestions, but just want you to know you are not alone.

Nezzi · 01/03/2009 17:44

Def not alone in this, I feel exactly the same.
We've not had sex for about 9 months
DS is 6 months old so we are both tired but I don't have any desire anyway. I don't even have the desire to do a Lucyellen
I wouldn't know where to start any more, I feel like his mate rather than his partner & would feel very strange having sex with him. We don't even kiss anymore other than a peck hello & goodbye.
The whole thing is like the elephant in the room & it makes me feel very uncomfortable.

minxthemanx · 01/03/2009 20:13

Good to know that it's not just me. Just find nookie irritating and uncomfortable (not internally, just squashed boobs type thing.) Obviously this isn't right. When I do succumb, am really happy the next night because I'm off the hook for a few nights and can enjoy my book! Poor DH.

OP posts:
IwishIwasmoreorganised · 01/03/2009 20:22

I feel just the same as you OP. I too go through the motions every now and again, tbh I generally do enjoy it but I just never feel the urge to initialte anything.

I also feel that I don't really know what I want him to do to make it more attractive to me. I have never masturbated as prior to having dc's I never really felt the need to do things by myself.

LucyEllensmummy · 01/03/2009 20:29

minx - your comment re the squashed boobs speaks um, cant think, its waaaay past wine o clock here - um, it says a lot!

I think you need to be experimenting more - if you are worried about squashed boobs then one or both of you are doing something wrong! Maybe experiment to try a new position? But actually if it is a concern - then you need to look at why you are not aroused?? Time for a heart to heart i think - maybe DH needs to be a tad more inventive

LucyEllensmummy · 01/03/2009 20:30

speaks volumes, im going mad i tell ya, mad!

LucyEllensmummy · 01/03/2009 20:31

iwishiwasmoreorganised, no offence intended but i am genuinely that you say you have never masturbated!! How on earth can you tell your partner what you like if you dont learn to um, love yourself?? Really - i prescribe a trip to anne summers or have a look at their website - you might surprise yourself!!

costagirl · 01/03/2009 20:34

Well, gosh this is all rather frank, I have never gone along the self-help route either. Dunno why, just seemed to lack the courage!!! Had wondered whether a vibrator might get some feelings moving again, but still too shy!

AnyFucker · 01/03/2009 21:04

Dr Fucker prescribes a visit to LoveHoney.com

Shitemum · 01/03/2009 21:08

lovehoney site crashes as huge wave of Mners rushes over there

minxthemanx · 01/03/2009 21:08

Blimey, just looked at Ann Summers website and need stiff drink. Rampant Rabbits, pocket vibrators, things that clip on various bits - scarey! Wouldn't know where to start! Obviously have been v unimaginative compared to you more adventurous MNrs.

OP posts:
LucyEllensmummy · 01/03/2009 21:09

costa - if you are not comfortable with it, you probably wouldnt get turned on by it. but next time you have a bath - make like the yellow pages, and let your fingers do the working - touch yourself and see if it feels good. I think vibrators are over rated, DP and i use them but i never bother on my own. LEM realises that she really is too pissed to be posting

LucyEllensmummy · 01/03/2009 21:11

You don't need all that paraphanalia really. Just good for breaking the ice.

IwishIwasmoreorganised · 01/03/2009 21:12

I've looked at those sites and really don't know where to start! Everything looks a bit scary to me. Also when do you find the time to masturbate? I know I'd feel really odd doing it upstairs while dh was downstairs watching tv for example!!

I guess I know what I like from different things we've tried together but I will admit that neither of us are very adventurous at all.

Blimey - I sound like such a prude!

ten10 · 01/03/2009 21:13

Having just read the original post and thought it sounded like I had written it,

except that we have started to try for a baby again, and the needing to have so much sex is really not appealing even though I am desperate for another baby,

I am often desperate to say "can't you be quicker"

don't have any advice but thought that it might help for you to feel like you are not alone.

Skimty · 01/03/2009 21:14

I think LEM's right. If you buy some sort of strange toy not only can it be enjoyable in itself you can really break the ice with you partner. I bought something from Boots the other day (a durex pleasure something) and it was really 'bonding' working out how to do it...

LucyEllensmummy · 01/03/2009 21:16

you don't have to be alone to masturbate - in fact, the best times are when he is there to help!! Seriously, that way you can both find out new stuff.

its all what you are comfy with - you dont need to be buying rampant rabbits - i have one, its OK, but i prefer my own fingers.

I do agmit to thinking, ffs hurry up sometimes - hey ho

minxthemanx · 01/03/2009 21:17

Oh Ten, the number of times I've wanted to shout "oh for god's sake hurry up!" I feel a lot better tonight, knowing it's not just me.

OP posts:
Ginga66 · 01/03/2009 21:17

Hello, I am new to this. I am 37 weeks and DESPERATE for sex but he has completely gone off the boil. Am I a freak???