Virtually no sex drive, feel really guilty

[minxthemanx]

Tell me it's not just me! Poor DH, feel so sorry for him, but I just have no desire for nookie these days - usual story, 2 young DS, work part-time, busy house wife, am just too knackered. Every night I go to bed hoping he won't suggest it, poor bloke. I love cuddles, but am loathe to in case he thinks it will lead on. We have had lots of ups & downs over married life, but it's more that I just don't have any desire for nookie. Or very rarely. Sometimes on waking up I feel more in the mood, but not practical as DC up and around. This is awful I know, but i go through the motions for DH's sake every so often, (once a fortnightish), but rarely get much from it. Am sad that I would rather read my book and go to sleep. Anyone else the same? Any good tips for finding some way to feel up for it?

For me it has been a hard topic to talk about to friends they just don't seem to understand
I did try a couple of times and got the response that I should leave him, and find someone I did enjoy sex with.

but this is not what I want, I do love him but just not a big fan of sex at the moment (for the last four years or so)

Four years? I am talking one week and I am going stir crazy!

Minx I am glad it isn't just me

Poor DP is really not coping well either and we have talked and talked and talked it through.

I like the date night suggestion though - sex in the car like when we first started seeing each other almost sounds appealing!

Will elaborate later as DS is being whingey but you are not alone.

I remember killing 2 birds with one stone so to speak... a shower head directed at the right spot They were the days, can't even be bothered to do that anymore. Maybe I should give it a go in the morning!

Gosh, the freedom than anonimity gives you!

Im on the opposite side of this - i want SEX, lots of it and more more more! DH isnt bothered and its beyond just getting me down.............i am stopping myself from going elsewhere. he knows this.

he is going to talk to someone as he has no sex drive to see what can help.

meanwhile im slowly going nuts and wearing out batteries!!

I need a regular seeing to or I get pissed off tbh..lol..but there are times where we wont for a few days due to tiredness or stress but one of us breaks the ice sex is a great stress reliever and makes you closer as a couple...sometimes you may not feel like it but you do it anyway and it's great...like a piece of chocolate cake after the first couple of bites you realise you actually miss chocolate cake!

What an interesting thread. I could have written the OP

I used to fancy my husband like mad - we were a very...erm.... lustful and adventurous couple

I have an 11 yo dd and 3.5yo ds - I work full time and dh is househusband.

I can't remember the last time I felt like it. Like some of the other posters, I force myself to do it every couple of weeks, I nearly always orgasm, and when I do it, I love it. But I never initiate anything. And dh must feel like he has to talk me into it every time

It's so difficult. I don't know how to break the cycle.

Not much help am I

My DH wont initiate - then i get pissed off coz i feel like im pestering him - so i dont bother and the cycle begins........

why not just initiate it - sure he would love it!

If there is a problem, it needs a solution. If neither wants to initiate the sex, solve the problem and make the sex a planned event. It's not ideal but it solves some of the problem.

I feel I could have written the OP as well. I am sort of glad it's not just me like that I suppose.

Have made purchase from LoveHoney .

OK, ignoring the problem won't make it go away: it is horribly easy to get into the situation where one partner is reluctant to have sex and therefore stops any kind of physical affection in case the other partner sees it as a sexual invitation; the other partner feels rejected and tries harder to offer physical affection and/or ask for sex, which becomes more off-putting to the reluctant partner - and before you know it you're stuck in opposing positions and beginning to resent each other.
When the problem has begun due to tiredness/a new baby then it's important to make sure that both partners are acknowledging the tiredness (and one partner is not expecting the other to do all the domestic chores as well as the childcare and still be ready for sex) and scheduling some time each week for each partner to do something for him/herself only. Because it's easy to feel (particularly for women) that sex has become just one more chore/duty/favour you are having to perform for someone else's benefit. Doing something enjoyable for yourself is one good way of getting back in touch with who you are (I don't mean masturbation I mean meeting a friend, seeing a film, going dancing, going shopping, whatever). Scheduling couple-time can work well, too - but not if it becomes 'Ok, tonight's Date Night that means we will be having sex'.

try feeling like this AND ttc at the same time...

Agree with SGB that you need to make some time for yourself, and just get back into the habit of being yourself and enjoying the pleasures life has to offer. If you don't feel so drained and over-given of yourself, you may find that you remember why you liked sex. If you make some time to do some fun things as a couple too, I think you will find that the feelings start to come back.

TW: if lack of sex is a major issue between a couple, is TTC really a good idea?

SGB - I never said it was a major issue, please don't jump to (erroneous) conclusions!

Sorry TW. Mixing you up with other posters. FWIW I do appreciate that TTC can actually put you off sex because it becomes so much about something other than pleasure and you have to do it on the relevant days whether you are horny or not, so my sympathies.

thanks SGB - that is what it is like at the mo and it isn't the most romantic of things!

Blimey, I could have been reading about myself through this thread. I have completely gone off DH since he was diagnosed as infertile last summer. It's been a gradual thing, but it's almost as though my subconscious has said he can't give me a baby, what's the point?

I know, that makes me sounds as though I'm only interested in him for his babymaking abilities. I love him to bits, I really do. He keeps telling me I can have a baby, if we went down the donor route, but to me it's not about that. I could have had a baby with my ex, or any other Tom, Dick or Harry out there, but I didn't. I was waiting for Mr Right to come along and now he's here he doesn't work properly.

I know, I know, I'm seriously messed up. And very lucky to have a wonderful DH who loves me and puts up with me. It's reassuring to see I'm not the only one in this situation, but sad also. The ears of good friends listening to me has been a great help, but it takes a lot of self will to prevent myself from rejecting DH's advances outright. I just hope that with time, once we get past this FTC situation and it's no longer all so raw that things will get back to a more even keel and we'll be right again.

i used to have a massive sex drive, and now i rarely want it either.not since my little one was born 2 years ago. poor him. partly its cos we argue so much and we're not close, but i can't even be bothered to masturbate when i'm on my own.
luckily we have an open relationship and he has another girlfriend so i feel less guilty! i too have another lover, and my sex drive is a bit higher with him but i only see him every 2 months so its not this regular 'burden'. i now sort of have to grit my teeth to start sex, it feels alien and strange to me. i never know whether i should make myself or not.

Part of the reason i stay up late on mn is so i can slip into bed and not have to put up with the fiddling of my bits!

I know its hard (no pun intended!) on my OH but lately i just dont feel like sex at all.

Whenever he initiates it and its been a while, i do enjoy myself, but sometimes i even have to have a quick lookie at some porn to get myself in the mood!