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what to do

30 replies

ladycark · 27/02/2009 21:00

I really need advice, my husband of 7 years and partner of 15 years has accused me of sleeping around before I met him, which I did not, I was a virgin when we met.
One of the reasons he thinks this is that when we met I thought it would impress him if I pretented that I had many boyfriends. I have explained this to him but now he wants me to take a lie detector test to prove it. I feel that after 15 years this is crazy and have told him this but he just goes mad and says if I had nothing to hide I would do it. I now feel that I am so worked up about it that I would fail it with nerves and really feel that if he loved me he would not expect me to do this. Months go by when he doesn't mention it and then boom it all starts again. Its really getting me down

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linserella · 27/02/2009 22:31

dillusional disorder, i know someone with it

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ladycark · 27/02/2009 22:33

He has just come in and I've told him it has to stop and he wanst to know why he feels like this and what can he do. I do feel sorry for him as he looks really miserable, but when I told him if it doesn't stop I am leaving he got mad and has stormed off to bed

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HolyGuacamole · 27/02/2009 22:45

The hardest thing he will do is get over this and drop it forever. And if he has to go to bed in the huff then so be it. He can only string it out for as long as you let him. Ignore his moods, don't feed him by giving him attention and sucking up as if you have done something wrong. Carry on as normal and act like you mean it.

He gets on at you about it till you reach breaking point....then he realises he has crossed the line and backs down in a sea of self pity.....and leaves you feeling sympathetic and guilty when you have done nothing wrong. A never ending cycle. He has to choose to get help for this or you will be going through the same thing in 2/3/4 weeks/months time.

I don't mean to sound unsympathetic to your DH but sometimes people need a really good reality check (translate as kick up the ass) to see once and for all that they simply cannot continue the needless, negative and emotionally controlling cycle of behaviour.

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ladycark · 27/02/2009 23:00

What you have described holyguacamole is exactly what happens

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HolyGuacamole · 27/02/2009 23:26

Sorry, I've more to say

There is obviously some reason that he acts the way that he does. It is a self destructive behaviour and I'd bet my bottom dollar that when you do go and sooth him, that he feels a tremendous sense of internal shame/guilt because he knows deep inside what he is doing, and each time he does it, he risks that you may tell him to beat it or that you will leave him. Whether he admits that or not I don't know? I'd also guess that he wants to break this cycle as much as you want him to, I just think he doesn't know how to. Or he doesn't know how to control his feelings of insecurity. He bottles it till he blows up.

It is manipulative behaviour but it is designed to extract the utmost reassurance from you regarding your relationship and your allegiance/truthfullness to him back then.

Maybe there is some way that you both can decide that when he feels like that, he will tell you straight away before it gets to the unreasonable stage? And you can talk it out step by step, he needs to bite the bullet, completely back down and tell you exactly what is going on in his head, no matter how hard it is.

I believe that the more he does this, the easier it will get. You need to be strict with him though and tell him that you will absolutely not respond to the unreasonable behaviour, telling you to do lie detector etc, it is not on.