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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

what to do

30 replies

ladycark · 27/02/2009 21:00

I really need advice, my husband of 7 years and partner of 15 years has accused me of sleeping around before I met him, which I did not, I was a virgin when we met.
One of the reasons he thinks this is that when we met I thought it would impress him if I pretented that I had many boyfriends. I have explained this to him but now he wants me to take a lie detector test to prove it. I feel that after 15 years this is crazy and have told him this but he just goes mad and says if I had nothing to hide I would do it. I now feel that I am so worked up about it that I would fail it with nerves and really feel that if he loved me he would not expect me to do this. Months go by when he doesn't mention it and then boom it all starts again. Its really getting me down

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HolyGuacamole · 27/02/2009 23:26

Sorry, I've more to say

There is obviously some reason that he acts the way that he does. It is a self destructive behaviour and I'd bet my bottom dollar that when you do go and sooth him, that he feels a tremendous sense of internal shame/guilt because he knows deep inside what he is doing, and each time he does it, he risks that you may tell him to beat it or that you will leave him. Whether he admits that or not I don't know? I'd also guess that he wants to break this cycle as much as you want him to, I just think he doesn't know how to. Or he doesn't know how to control his feelings of insecurity. He bottles it till he blows up.

It is manipulative behaviour but it is designed to extract the utmost reassurance from you regarding your relationship and your allegiance/truthfullness to him back then.

Maybe there is some way that you both can decide that when he feels like that, he will tell you straight away before it gets to the unreasonable stage? And you can talk it out step by step, he needs to bite the bullet, completely back down and tell you exactly what is going on in his head, no matter how hard it is.

I believe that the more he does this, the easier it will get. You need to be strict with him though and tell him that you will absolutely not respond to the unreasonable behaviour, telling you to do lie detector etc, it is not on.

ladycark · 27/02/2009 23:00

What you have described holyguacamole is exactly what happens

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HolyGuacamole · 27/02/2009 22:45

The hardest thing he will do is get over this and drop it forever. And if he has to go to bed in the huff then so be it. He can only string it out for as long as you let him. Ignore his moods, don't feed him by giving him attention and sucking up as if you have done something wrong. Carry on as normal and act like you mean it.

He gets on at you about it till you reach breaking point....then he realises he has crossed the line and backs down in a sea of self pity.....and leaves you feeling sympathetic and guilty when you have done nothing wrong. A never ending cycle. He has to choose to get help for this or you will be going through the same thing in 2/3/4 weeks/months time.

I don't mean to sound unsympathetic to your DH but sometimes people need a really good reality check (translate as kick up the ass) to see once and for all that they simply cannot continue the needless, negative and emotionally controlling cycle of behaviour.

ladycark · 27/02/2009 22:33

He has just come in and I've told him it has to stop and he wanst to know why he feels like this and what can he do. I do feel sorry for him as he looks really miserable, but when I told him if it doesn't stop I am leaving he got mad and has stormed off to bed

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linserella · 27/02/2009 22:31

dillusional disorder, i know someone with it

TequilaMockinBird · 27/02/2009 22:00

I was also accused of sleeping around before we met and if I so much at smiled at people in the street then they were obviously ex's who were smirking because they knew 'where I'd been' and knew that he didnt know

I'm not saying that your DH is abusive or controlling but that this is not normal behaviour

solidgoldbullet4myvalentine · 27/02/2009 22:00

He is not being reasonable. Sit him down and tell him that you have not had any previous partners, you are not going to take a lie detector test, and you do not want to hear about it ever again. And suggest he consults a doctor: this behaviour is thoroughly irrational to the point of mental illness (some forms of mental illness do take the form of obsessing over one particular thing, and being convinced that the sufferer is right and everyone else is lying and part of some giant conspiracy against him/her - the fact that your H made a big deal out of some random stranger being 'your X who is laughing at me' is a huge alarm signal).

ladycark · 27/02/2009 21:55

I never though of him as abusive or controlling as this has nothing to with our present it is completely based on the past he has no problem with me going anywhere or doing anything. I do however think he may have issues that he needs to deal with. I don't think he would leave me if I failed but I really don't think doing one would solve anything

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fuzzywuzzy · 27/02/2009 21:50

Did he have partners before you met? What exactly is he thinking here, that if you fail the lie detector test he will leave you and find himself a virgin??? what century is he living in?

Surely if he got together with you, despite your fabricated past, it wasn't an issue for him, so why is he suddenly so uptight that that you should have been with no one but him?

Tell him he keeps this up he won't have you aat all, this is a form of abuse, why's he care so much all of a sudden, its clearly not a deal breaker if he got together with you regardless and managed to stay for fifteen yearss.....

TequilaMockinBird · 27/02/2009 21:44

Your DH sounds like my abusive and controlling ex

He used to use this as a way of controlling me and I'd usually end up confessing to things I hadn't done just to get him off my back or avoid the 'punishment' of lying to him (even though I wasnt!!).

No advice for you I'm afraid but this would be ringing alarm bells for me

NotQuiteCockney · 27/02/2009 21:43

When did he have counselling? Could he go back and have it again?

controlfreakythecontrolfreak · 27/02/2009 21:41

i cant believe you would for ONE NANOSECOND think his requests / views are reasonable?? how much do you mind all this? how near breaking point are you... or is it a minor irritant?? if you mind half as much as i would then i think you have to TELL him it has to stop and SUPPORT him in going back to counsellor / relate / whatever to get it sorted.

ladycark · 27/02/2009 21:37

Thank You all I needed reassurrance that I shouldn't do the test and he is unreasonable

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Jux · 27/02/2009 21:35

Take the piss?

I know it sounds flippant, but sometimes taking something seriously 'validates' it and encourages it. The best way to deal with my dh when he's being utterly stupid and irrational is to take the michael; sometimes taking his lunatic utterings to their logical conclusion works.

HolyGuacamole · 27/02/2009 21:32

If it were me, I'd say "look, you either trust me or not. Without trust we cannot have a relationship and I refuse to have to prove myself to you for something that stems from 15 years ago, especially considering that I have never given you reason to doubt me. This is your problem not mine and I will not pander to your insecurity any longer - your choice, take it or leave it".

I'd put the ball firmly in his court because I could not live my life like that.

I would not be going for any lie detector test that's for sure.

ladycark · 27/02/2009 21:27

I know he is wrong but how can I make him see that

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HolyGuacamole · 27/02/2009 21:24

He is a paranoid nutter. Sorry I know that is strong but I mean - COME ON! 15 Years and he is worrying about what you did or did not do before you met?! I find that scary. Whether you did or didn't is neither here nor there and it is nobodies business except yours.

You have invested 15 years in him, what exactly does it take to convince someone who is that suspicious? I dread to think.

If you did in fact slept with someone before him (or if the lie detector was wrong), is that a deal breaker for him? Would you therefore be under the thumb of his self righteousness forever more?

ladycark · 27/02/2009 21:22

He is not jealous of what I do now, just the opposite he is v supportive. When he goes like this he is like a different person.. He has had councilling for this and realised what he was doing, but he just thinks he is right. He doesn't behave like this to anyone else or in any other way

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Jux · 27/02/2009 21:22

Sorry, I meant the JK remark as a riposte you could use on him.

controlfreakythecontrolfreak · 27/02/2009 21:18

i would be worried he is ill. seriously. has he always been jealous? is he controlling generally? is he violent? what do you think this is really all about?? it sounds a bit mad or else is a symptom of a more general problem.... yo0u can be quite sure that if you were made enbough to take a luie detector test and "pass" there woukld be some other issue / he wouldnt believe it anyway....

amireallythatsad · 27/02/2009 21:17

He sounds like he has got ishoooos?

Is he paranoid about anything else? Does his behaviour get extreme in anyother way?

NoIAmTheNewQueenofMN · 27/02/2009 21:17

What to do? You need to tell him (politely or otherwise) to Get Knotted.

He doesn't own you, and what you did before he met you is none of his business.

Seriously. This is Not On.

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ladycark · 27/02/2009 21:14

It has nothing to with Jeremy Kyle he wants to do it with only us

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ladycark · 27/02/2009 21:13

I know it sounds crazy to me but he gets really worked about it. He has been saying on and off since we got married and it is really getting to me. I always thought it would end as time wore on but it just seems to be getting worse. We were at a wedding recently and he said one of my exes laughed at him, the man in question was a stranger to us not an ex.

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Jux · 27/02/2009 21:13

Lie detector tests are not that reliable anyway, so what's to stop him continuing to accuse you, even if you do one and 'pass' it?

Does he have general trust issues? He needs to deal with this problem sensibly. Or is he looking for an excuse to get onto Jeremy Kyle?

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