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Original poster

Relationship with SIL - know I should be the bigger person but can't quite do it...

44 replies

oysterpots · 27/02/2009 14:38

SIL has been a total PITA for the past, probably year or so. It's a long story but relationship has deteriorated badly mainly due to her ds's behaviour towards my ds and also towards her mother (my mil), and her refusal to acknowledge or do anything about it.

She's withdrawn completely and never contacts me (although my dh, her brother, talks to her fairly frequently), haven't seen her since Christmas despite suggesting a few occasions to meet up, sending her nice, friendly emails.

Anyway, she's pregnant and has started having contractions so baby imminent. I've been asking for progress updates from DH who has suggested I might like to contact her myself.

I know I'm being stubborn but I just can't bring myself to do it, or do it without making a point about how long it's been since we saw each other.

But actually I think it's her bloody turn, which just makes me cross! Am I being ridiculous?

OP posts:
solidgoldbullet4myvalentine · 27/02/2009 14:39

If you can't hold back from going 'Bwaaaah! What about MEEEEE?' when phoning a woman who's actually in labour, then maybe your should get over yourself before you contact her.

Rubyrubyruby · 27/02/2009 14:40

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

RealityIsMyOnlyDelusion · 27/02/2009 14:41

This reply has been deleted

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JODIEhadtoomanymincepies · 27/02/2009 14:44

I would think that calling you with an update would be the last thing on her mind right now. Also I probably wouldn't suggest calling her until after the birth, I kept getting calls and texts along the lines of 'any news' I ended up shouting at my mum 'I'll call you if there is any bloody news, do you think I wouldn't!'

This is a perfect time to make amends, but I;m afraid it's down to you, she'll be abit pre occupied!

Original poster
oysterpots · 27/02/2009 14:44

Ok, put it this way, she hasn't contacted me since Christmas. I have contacted her lots of times. If she wasn't my SIL she'd be a friend that had fallen by the wayside.

She has been a total shit, being so horrendous to my MIL that MIL spent two nights in hospital due to stress.

I KNOW it would be nice for me to contact her (again) but I am angry, justifiably so, and I am asking you to help me muster the enthusiasm/courage/gritting of teeth to do it.

Thanks.

OP posts:
JODIEhadtoomanymincepies · 27/02/2009 14:46

Just call her when bubba is here and have a lovely munch with your new neice/nephew and see how it goes.

Original poster
oysterpots · 27/02/2009 14:47

Contact would be in form of text, wishing her well, hoping all ok etc.

I am not a loon thanks. Just fed up of a year of biting my tongue when my DS comes back with huge cuts across his face from her DS scratching him and her ignoring it "because the HV told her to".

OP posts:
RealityIsMyOnlyDelusion · 27/02/2009 14:53

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Lulumama · 27/02/2009 14:55

oh for gods sake, you odn;t have to be friends with her, just be civil and wish her well in labour...

you are being stubborn and now is not the time to try and point score

just because she is your SIL you don;t have to be friends. or close. or see each other freqeuntely.

sounds like you don;t like her anyway

MorrisZapp · 27/02/2009 15:56

I don't get it. I have a SIL I like very much but I don't contact her or see more then a few times a year. She's your SIL, not your best friend.

You clearly don't like her. Why do you want her to contact you?

Original poster
oysterpots · 27/02/2009 17:07

Her DS is 28 months, my DS is 19mo.

We used to be very close, she lived 2 streets away. When our maternity leave overlapped we would see each other a couple of times a week. She's now moved away but we're still only half an hour away from each other.

I'm sad we're not close anymore, and that's more or less all come from her. So you can see that I am hurt - I do like her, but am just upset but some aspects of her personality that have come out over the past year or so, things that make me think she's not a very nice person. But it's a strange dynamic - she's still my DH's sister, our lives are going to be connected forever so I/we have to sort it out, which I've attempted to do and have got nowhere. And her DS is my DS's cousin which I used to think was going to be really lovely for them, growing up together only 9 months apart. So it's a complicated situation. In some ways I'm mourning our old and now-non-existent relationship

OP posts:
Lulumama · 27/02/2009 17:10

if she has been hard to deal with and been nasty, perhaps there is stuff going on you don;t know about

has her pregnancy been difficult? has their been financial difficulties/job loss/ other stresses

sometimes people are depressed/not coping and take it out on their nearest and dearest

maybe she is just not coping and trying to maintain a friendly relationship is not on her agenda at the mo

maybe she is keeping her distance as she knows your DSs clash and fight and you find it upsetting

mrsturnip · 27/02/2009 17:14

"mainly due to her ds's behaviour towards my ds"

but her ds is only 28 months, what on earth can he have done? If someone had it in for my toddler I'd not bother seeing them either tbh (there are some people who can't cope with autistic ds1 around their children - not that he's ever hurt or harmed a child- so we don't see them).

rubyslippers · 27/02/2009 17:15

maybe she knows you are disapproving of her DS's behaviour?

PrincessButtercup · 27/02/2009 17:17

Perhaps she's embarassed about her DS's behaviour or upset by your reaction to it?

Sounds like a good time to put it all behind you and put in a call just to say that you hope that all's ok and see if she needs any help.

Original poster
oysterpots · 27/02/2009 17:20

I do suspect there are issues that run pretty deep - I don't think it's specifically this last year or so that things have been going on.

I do wonder whether moving away from our neighbourhood, which is v. family-friendly, loads of friends etc., to a fairly small town on the outskirts might've been difficult, particularly as many of her baby friends from here are also pregnant with second children. But she's very proud and maintains that it's absolutely brilliant, she's never been happier.

I think there are issues around her mother and their relationship, with SIL saying she thinks MIL loves my DS more than her DS

It IS complicated. I think I've probably said enough for her to identify herself in RL so perhaps I should stop now (not that she's on MN as far as I know...)

Maybe you're right, Lulumama. It's hard to be objective when it's your friendship/relationship that's fallen by the wayside. I used to think of her as the sister I never had.

OP posts:
Lulumama · 27/02/2009 17:21

maybe then she is unwell/depressed and has not got the energy to be the SIL and friend you want

maybe it is time to draw a line udner the past and make a fresh start especially if a new baby is coming

Original poster
oysterpots · 27/02/2009 17:24

mrsturnip - it got to the stage with her DS that every time we saw them it was a bloodbath and she never did anything about it. I would sit with them, try to prevent it from happening, ended up parenting both boys. In the end we asked her to just keep more of an eye on her DS which didn't go down well - she stopped speaking to us. I'm sure it must be embarrassing and upsetting for her, god knows I've been over this so much in my own mind, putting myself in her position, which is why the conclusion we came to was not to stop them seeing each other but to ask that she try to prevent it from happening as far as she could. Is that unreasonable? Isn't that what any parent would try to do?

OP posts:
prettyfly1 · 27/02/2009 17:46

I had this with my sister and mum. My son is hyperactive and it is true - we are trained to not tell them off aggressively but where possible to attempt other means to calm the behaviour. But at twenty four to eight months he was at his toughest. I was having such a hard time with hit and my family asked me not to go round there with him because he constantly picked things up and mucked around. He and his cousin were born two weeks apart and my sister said my ds was a bad influence on hers. Now the tables have turned totally. My son is beautifully well behaved, doing well at school and understands boundaries really well after being taken of e numbers etc; He has always been a really affectionate child. I have never ever forgiven my family for thier attitude towards my son - even calling him devil child, despite my repeated assertion at the time that if you dont give him sweets or squash and change the activity every fifteen minutes to half an hour he was absolutely fine. Now they talk about how well behaved he is but still feel it is appropriate to shout at him or tell him off for every little thing even if i am there. I can understand how you feel but I think she is probably just a pissed off as I was so yes, let her have the baby then consider a gentle approach.

mrsturnip · 27/02/2009 18:04

I think the approach was bound to end up the way it did as if she could have contolled him she would have.you say you patented both if that didn't work them the problem may well be with the child - whether due to sn or just general challenging child stuff. If she was doing the best she could then she would have no choice. Fwiw ds2 and ds3 spent a lot of their babyhood around children with severe learning difficulties who of course had the potential to do harm. I just saw them as my total responsibility and supervised them as closely as I would had they been walking next to a main road.

Original poster
oysterpots · 27/02/2009 18:25

It's clearly such a difficult subject to broach and to manage and I do understand that it is all part of the spectrum of normal toddler behaviour.

We didn't ask SIL to 'control' him, just to try to monitor what was happening more closely in order to try to prevent it. I didn't feel it was my place to parent her child but was being put in the position where there was little else I could do. I didn't feel comfortable with it, therefore I had no choice but to talk to her about it.

However, in other circles and other circumstances parents I know who have a child prone to a bit of argy-bargy watch them like hawks. I know I would if that were my child. I don't really think there is anything else you can do. Apologies afterwards, although good etiquette, don't really count for much when it happens again and again, and your child is covered in cuts and scars.

OP posts:
mrsturnip · 27/02/2009 18:34

Tbh I think it is easier to protect your child by picking them up or telling the other child off yourself ( nicely and with respect) than to pick faults with someones parenting. She may have concerns about her son or she may just feel judged. What happened when you told him what to do did he behave?

wannaBe · 27/02/2009 18:36

But these are two year olds. They are at an age where they are volatile. And perhaps she feels judged because of her child's behavior. And perhaps there are deeper issues wrt his behavior that she is not yet comfortable talking about because you have all judged him already. Or perhaps it's just two year old behavior which he will have outgrown in six months time and then all this rowing will have been for nothing but it will be too late because the damage will have been done.

And I agree with mrsturnip, ultimately it is down to you to keep your child from harm, especially if you know that he is in a situation where he is liable to get hurt.

How sad that all this comes down to the behavior of a two year old.

Original poster
oysterpots · 27/02/2009 19:00

Sorry, I disagree. If your child is hurting other children, no matter how accidental it is, you have to take some responsibility for it. You can't just say 'well, that's what he does - if you don't like it, take your child away'. That doesn't help anyone.

OP posts:
prettyfly1 · 27/02/2009 19:06

But oyster - there is taking responsibility, which i absolutely had to do and there is shouting or disciplining a two year old, or a child with disability in the case of the other poster, where it could well cause more harm and rebellion - in that situation it is best to remove your child from the situation.

I have to say it really feels like you certainly disagree with how your sil is doing things, you still seem to have very strong feelings about this and yes, there is a tone of dislike emerging. I think it may be best if you feel like that too stay away from the situation. Be polite by all means, and full respect to you for wanting to do that - it shows real consideration for the rest of the family, but the notion that just because your children are a similiar age then they will get on, is naive if you dont like or agree with the other childs mother.

I think i am stepping away as I can see this getting heated but I hope you can work it out.