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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Any offshore "widows" out there??!

49 replies

linserella · 26/02/2009 22:37

Anyone in a relationship with someone who goes offshore regularly? after nearly 3 years of this, since just before DD was born, he's done 3 on 3 off, for all this time I've been convinced that this lifestyle is GOOD for us (i love my space plus he gets quality time when home). Only recently have i started to appreciate the stress this lifestyle puts on a relationship (I know - doh!). Learning to live with (again and again) / learning to live without / his need for headspace / my need for communication / communication breakdown / phone only communication usually at really awkward times / bickering / battleground / distance etc etc! i DO know that in many ways it's worse for him, it's tough, and prob sound like bit of a bitch.. Anyone??!

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sparkyoldbint · 26/02/2009 22:54

Don't have an offshore relationship but a long distance one so can totally relate. I see him once a fortnight and the communication thing does my head in - I need it more than him. It all sounds good on paper, nothing wrong with quality time together and then doing what you want when aprart but how do you carry on feeling connected? I'm so fed up of coming home and him not being here and having to call (because he rarely does first) in order to feel close to him. Do you love him? Do you feel loved by him?

macdoodle · 26/02/2009 23:06

oh dear am currently waiting for my offshore NM to phone or come back online - after working an overtime 15 hour day he is knackered and I just want to talk to him

MuthaHubbard · 26/02/2009 23:18

well i was until dp ended things with me this week!!

anyhooo....i used to miss him loads, found that a fortnight i could cope with but any longer was difficult. sometimes we would communicate at least once a day (call or text) or sometimes it would be a week or two with nothing due to where he was.

and then we used to try and cram loads in when he was home. i would look forward to/plan things for when he was back which we enjoyed but think this was tough on him too as he'd been away working 12 hours everyday and needed some 'him time' too.

obv communication is the key, but i also think that although as the one left at home you get some me time, whilst away he won't feel as though he has any as he's more or less at work 24/7.

like you say, it can be stressful as you feel like you are adjusting things every few weeks.

as sparky said, are you both still in love/feeling loved? is it a permanent thing, or contract etc?

sparkyoldbint · 26/02/2009 23:34

How are you muthahubbard? Sorry to hear things didn't work out - was it a surprise?

linserella · 26/02/2009 23:56

Sorry to hear that MuthaHubbard Thanks for yr messages, yes it's permanent, he works 12 hours a day 7 days a week for 3 weeks so obv i understand he needs "him time" at home and i've never stood in way of him doing his thing, going out. It's been a tough few months and been v close to splitting so many times. No prob not feeling in love but want to make a final effort to work at it, i think we're both at that same point now. The key problem is communication, i seem to need it in buckets anyway whereas he doesn't. Added to that, phone convo for 3 weeks has to be mundane, he's doing a dangerous job and doesn't cope well with emotional stress plus calls are pretty much limited to 10 mins, plus mid afternoon calls for 2 of the 3 weeks are never a good time anyway. When he comes back he needs a week or so to get back into normality so if i broach anything "heavy" or have a go at him he says he's newly off the rig and to give hime a break. Halfway thru and I'm messing up his only quality time home, toward the end then I'm messing with his head as he's about to go offshore again. I'm probably over simplifying it but that seems to be it in essence. There are a lot of financial pressures, he has quite a bit of personal debt some of which my name is now attached to (for cheaper apr) so yeah - resentment and there is an imbalance over assets as the mortgage is mine so there are issues over him feeling like a "lodger" which i understand, specially with him being away for half the year. He's trying to make a difference tho, he's 5 years younger than me and i kind of feel like he's done / is doing all his growing up on me... GOD sorry sooooooooooo self indulgent...Sparky i feel for you, it's hard.

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macdoodle · 27/02/2009 00:03

oh I do feel for you
have just spoken to my NM who is coming to the end of a 3 weeks stint and sounds shattered and stressed, but still trying to do the supportive, caring new man type thing (especially as I have so much crap going on with loony STBXH) - I can see how this would very quickly become very difficult and needs quite a lot of effort on both parts

sparkyoldbint · 27/02/2009 09:35

Morning linserella. If you both want to make a final effort then go for it. I know working on the rigs is hard, funnily enough my DP had a mate who did it and he was only talking about him the other day. I have sympathy for him but I have more for you and it sounds like his empathy levels aren't what they should be - if he wants to make it work too he needs to listen to you or you'll end up totally resenting him. Have you tried asking him when the best time is to discuss things?

The communication thing is key for me as well and like you, I need it much more than him. I can get very resentful because I feel I make more of an effort and although I've tried to convince myself it's not that important it never works. I know he really loves me but in order for me to feel truly connected I need enough communication (once daily at least). How do you fill your time when he's not around and do you make sure you spend some quality time TOGETHER when he's home? If you don't do that and he can't see that's important, then it's going to be hard to make it work.

linserella · 27/02/2009 19:06

Hi sparky, Thanks for your msg. I expect you're right about his empathy levels not being what they should, just get used this sort of thing till it becomes the norm i suppose. He actually as good as admitted that on the phone yesterday but we've been here before and following the words with action is another thing (god I've become so cynical!!). I haven't actually tried asking him for the best time surprisingly enough - seems so obvious now, but i pretty much work as things come up on the spur of the moment. I think to set aside planned time is a good idea.

What is it with men and REAL communication? Mars and venus i suppose...Is your separation due to work? Must be hard when you feel you are the one making all of the effort, i can v much relate, I take it you have told him how important that is for you and that you need him to make that effort over the distance?

I work part time, 3 days a week, tend to catch up on everything else the rest of the week. Spend evenings on net, tv and reading - usually so knackered by that time! (dd is 2 and half) I have plenty of interests outside the house and have good friends who i tend to catch up with when dp home. I've never had too much of prob being alone but of course it can be quite lonely aswell (I've had some weekends of no other adult company and can be almost stir crazy by monday!!). He tends to forget that things can be tough for me too in those 3 weeks. How do you fill in your time sparky? Together is hardly done and i know we need to make effort there, we both say as much but never do, i'm probably as much to blame tbh.

See how things go next trip home... thanks.

Macdoodle, yes effort on both parts, this is the key, been too much of imbalance in pretty much every area for us to even begin to do this i think. Good to hear fr another on the offshore treadmill!

How are you Muthahubbard? How crap for you i'm sure you have good friends around you (& you do on here!), we find the strength from somewhere.. thinking of you.

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MuthaHubbard · 27/02/2009 19:23

Thanks guys, is tough but life goes on doesn't it? A bit of a surprise - since he had some news before xmas things were a little 'off' and i knew there was something wrong. Last month he said he wanted a bit of space but upon his return from work, he wanted to see me nearly every night. He went away for a few days last week and there was no calls/texts at all. Upon his return, he said he need some time along . Oh well, like you say MN and friends and keeping me busy has helped.

I know what you mean about trying to keep yourself busy whilst he is away, but you can't help wanting to cram things in when he's back. The adjustments you constantly have to make are tough on both of you and I do think these sorts of relationships need more work and effort than others, as already said.

I do think that guys that work away can get a little selfish - as in they only have themselves to think about the majority of the time (whilst at work) and some don't always snap out of that when at home.

But in a way it is good that he has set working weeks and you can plan some things to a certain extent - my ex could be home for a week and called away for 5 or be home for a month and work for 2 (not on rigs).

The treadmill feeling must be tough, maybe you could arrange a nice night out or adult weekend away for you both when he's back (maybe after he's had a week to sort himself out!).

MuthaHubbard · 27/02/2009 19:25

sorry for typos - should be alone not along* for a start!

linserella · 27/02/2009 20:22

Mutha, sounds like he doesn't know what he wants - wanting space then wanting to see you every night. Was it the news before xmas that triggered something? Has he given you a reason? anyways... you sound like you're made of stronger stuff.

Really interesting observation re these guys being a little selfish as they only have themselves to think about at work. I think there has to be a kind of survival mentality out there and being surrounded by all of that testosterone probably brings out each individuals most base instincts! I think you're onto something there, I'd never thought of it in that way.

Fixed working pattern is a def advantage, a lot work on the more random / being called up basis and that is undoubtedly going to be more challenging for a relationship than fixed. No wonder you want to grab the time home and cram, anyone would. Perhaps those of us on the fixed rota get a little more complacent...

Yes, the night out is def on the cards as a priority!

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LittleMonkeysMummy · 27/02/2009 20:28

My DH works offshore (6 on, 4 off )

He's always worked offshore as long as I've known him (although it was only 2 on, 2 off when we met)

It's very difficult at times (especially since our DD was born a year ago) - thank god for friends and family!!

MuthaHubbard · 27/02/2009 20:29

Good for you, get something fab organised!

Glad I may be on to something re the selfish thing and you are right re the tesosterone as well I think. Plus they never have to do the mundane stuff like washing/cleaning/cooking - is all done for them!

Would a spa type weekend be any good for you both? Bit of pampering would do you good too.

With my ex - he found out his ex-wife is marrying one of his best mates before xmas and think this was a trigger for the downturn with us. He says he wants some time on his own (was split from his ex about 3/4 months before we got together) and i do think he is confused. oh well, onwards and upwards!!!

linserella · 27/02/2009 20:43

onwards and upwards indeed!

ex wife and best mate, sounds like it's knocked him sideways a bit and yes - confused. I'm sorry you're on the receiving end of this, he needs to be moving FORWARD not looking back and you've obviously had an impact on him mutha. You are best out of it if he is in a confused state or you'd be yo-yo-ing all over the place. Easy to say tho, i know.

Spa type wknd sounds wonderful but alas money has v much been an issue for too long (did i mention the bank loan for the god-awful essential subaru?!) but yeah, a nice wknd away needn't cost much, we can start off with a nice meal out anyway

Ditto re the pampering mutha.

Hello littlemonkeys! 6 on?? good lord and i thought i had it bad! yep - friends and family.

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MuthaHubbard · 27/02/2009 22:34

thanks linserella - going to leave him to it to sort his head out and if it's meant to be then it will, if not then so be it. am a tough old bird i guess!!

shame about the dosh side, though even just going for a nice lunch and a walk or a night out getting slightly sozzled can work wonders - just some nice time for the two of you to remind you how good you are together....think sometimes the crappy bits of everyones life - whether working away or not - can take over so it's good to take some time out.

good luck x

linserella · 27/02/2009 23:09

thanks mutha, you're right of course, we all have our crap to deal with and too easy to let it take over.

good luck yrself, i'm a firm believer in if it's meant to be then it will be.

x

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ivegotahousefull · 27/02/2009 23:15

hi, can i join in, my husband too works off shore, currently two on two off. When we first met six years ago, i must admit it never bothered me, i had been single for a while any how, so i thought i had the best of both worlds so to speak.

How wrong i was. As time has gone on i have found it harder and harder. He always seems to be at work when there is a crisis at home, etc.

We too have lots of phone calls, occasional emails but, its not the same as a face to face conversation.

On the plus side, we try to cram a full month into the two weeks he is home so too speak, bit difficult with a house full of kids but we make sure we have time just for us. a meal out, a trip to cinema or even a walk,

sorry for the long message, but just too let you know your not alone x

ivegotahousefull · 27/02/2009 23:15

hi, can i join in, my husband too works off shore, currently two on two off. When we first met six years ago, i must admit it never bothered me, i had been single for a while any how, so i thought i had the best of both worlds so to speak.

How wrong i was. As time has gone on i have found it harder and harder. He always seems to be at work when there is a crisis at home, etc.

We too have lots of phone calls, occasional emails but, its not the same as a face to face conversation.

On the plus side, we try to cram a full month into the two weeks he is home so too speak, bit difficult with a house full of kids but we make sure we have time just for us. a meal out, a trip to cinema or even a walk,

sorry for the long message, but just too let you know your not alone x

ivegotahousefull · 27/02/2009 23:17

whoops sorry for double post.

linserella · 28/02/2009 01:08

aw! your post isn't nearly as long as most of mine!! really good to hear from you and just know how others deal with this, i don't work in oil industry and DP doesn't tend to socialise too much with work mates so i don't know anyone else in my position.

sods law that crises only happen when they're away

sounds like you have it sussed ivegota and will def make more of an effort with "us" time.

cheers x

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LittleMonkeysMummy · 28/02/2009 08:19

Hi

DH is working off the coast of Brail at the moment so not only do I have to put up with him being away for 6 weeks at a time (meant to be 5 and 5 but travel time comes out of the home time ) but I also have to put up with him coming home with a FANTASTIC SUNTAN especially after we'd about 2 foot of snow!!!

Ivegota - I know what you mean about things going wrong when they're away. It always seems to me that the the second he reaches the airport everything happens(last trip his mother was in hospital, then I had to take DD to A&E after a tumble, then the central heating packed up - yes during the snow!)

He just left again on Monday so god only knows what'll go wrong this time

h wellnever mind - at least my house is tidy after the motorbike engine has finally been dumped placed in the garage (rather than on the kitchen table)

Just as well we love them isnt it!!

ivegotahousefull · 28/02/2009 13:33

aaaaaaaah just wrote a long post and its vanished.

The bits i find hardest are that you have to readjust to them being home and being away. ie, sharing a bed, sharing the remote, etc.

I also find it very hard living around a calender so to speak. every event is planned with careful planning so he doesnt miss out on social events etc.

Last month he went away to work, had been gone four hours, bath flooded kitchen , water cascading kitchen ceiling, then my plumbing packed in too. I blamed him of course for not being home

But, with the current climate i suppose we should all count our blessings, that we have a form off income, be it through a part time relationship or otherwise

linserella · 28/02/2009 14:27

yeah ivegota, count our blessings, i just like moaning! I think you're right, it's the continual readjustment that touches everything to sharing the bed and remote to the balance of time alone to quality time together. Don't think we're quite there yet, does it take a few years to get used to this and work it well do you think?! I think we all probably have to be pretty independent, self sufficient and resourceful in the first place anyway to go with this and they are good qualities to have!

LittleM yr post made me smile! the fantastic suntan must be a tough one! Mine's in the north sea so no risk of that! 6 weeks must be hard going, do you talk a lot on the phone? You must learn a lot of tricks over longterm to deal with the various problems challenges this presents. Can relate to the tidy house!!!

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macdoodle · 28/02/2009 14:44

Mines in the North Sea too No chance of a suntan !
New relationship here - he lives miles away from me but is spending most of his off time here which adds complications as he cant do stuff he needs to at home, and cant stay with me yet because of lunatic STBXH and the DD's .....could it be more complicated !!

ivegotahousefull · 28/02/2009 15:22

mines up north as well, he only ever comes home with the flu!!

I cant honestly say if it gets any easier, or whether it becomes more bearable, its just a way of life so we have to put up with it!!!! I dont like it, and some trips are easier than others, but, i soooooooo like having the bed to myself ha ha, with nobody snoring laid besides me,,,, unless of course youngest one jumps into bed with me!!!!!

On the other hand though, after all of our relationship being like this,, i really dont know if i could cope with him being at home full time, as i have only ever known this with him. i would like to have him home full time, but then we would be living out of a cardboard box eating beans.

Only advice i can really give you, is to appreciate him when he is home.

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