Any offshore "widows" out there??!

[linserella]

Anyone in a relationship with someone who goes offshore regularly? after nearly 3 years of this, since just before DD was born, he's done 3 on 3 off, for all this time I've been convinced that this lifestyle is GOOD for us (i love my space plus he gets quality time when home). Only recently have i started to appreciate the stress this lifestyle puts on a relationship (I know - doh!). Learning to live with (again and again) / learning to live without / his need for headspace / my need for communication / communication breakdown / phone only communication usually at really awkward times / bickering / battleground / distance etc etc! i DO know that in many ways it's worse for him, it's tough, and prob sound like bit of a bitch.. Anyone??!

macdoodle,,, life is only as complicated as you make it. Any consolation though, i have been there with complications anddddddd hang in there, it gets easier.

You just replace one complication for another

The suntan is a real pain - feel like a sodding ghost next to him when he comes home.

I know what the long distant relationship is like too. When we first met I was teaching in the Borders and he was in the North Sea so it was like a military operation trying to meet up!!

To be honest working offshore has never really been much of a problem for either of us until the last year when our DD arrived. He feels dreadful about missing important steps (first Christmas etc) and if I'm honest I feel bad telling him about these things (for example Zoe took her first proper step yesterday) Have been trying to video everything but I know it's not the same

ivegot a - i can SOOOOO relate to the snoring!! don't think I get a decent nights sleep when DH is home!

On the other hand I would give a whole lot to have mine snoring in bed with me Too risky to have him stay here - my ex is a nightmare and being able to spend a night with him, levaing my DD's with someone I trust that my ex wont terrify into telling where I am is a real nightmare....
He is off on tues, here on Wed and my dsis coming to look after he DD's so I can spend the weekend with him
He does sound very tired though, 3 weeks and pulling overtime almost every eve seems to be taking its toll

That's fab that you'll get some time together.

My DH worked out that the hours he works before overtime works out to about 18months of work a year compared to the office staff who complain that they have t hard yet they get all the perks!

Yup my NM worked 106 hours last week and this week looks to be the same !!
I know he must be busy because I usually get an email either after breakfast or just before lunch and havent today

I know - I'm lucky if I get a phone call most days (even then it's usually cut short - crap lines!!) And don't even get me started on their flipping internet connection

So how do you cope with the lack of communication? Mine's not offshore but he does work as a builder in an area of deepest Wales with no mobile signal! And when he gets home to a landline he's so knackered he falls asleep before he can use it! I'm beginning to think I should write letters!

I just keep thinkng that communication - no matter how sparse - is better than my best friend and her DH who works on a NAvy nuclear sub (3-6 month tours with absolutely no contact as he's sitting in a tin can on the bottom of the Atlantic!) I honestly don't know how she copes with that one.

macd, that sounds so complicated & stressful & with an aggressive ex interfering just to add to it all. Good you're gonna get some quality time worked out, that seems to be the key & what's lacking here (we've KNOWN it and SAID as much but just got caught up with our own stuff and constantly putting dd and family time 1st).

I know, the tiredness they experience is something else - it seems almost inhumane to work them so relentlessly! my dp works an minimum of 84 hours a week, in a 12 hour shift there are 2 x 10 min breaks and lunch is half an hour - wtf?!

tough too for them being stuck day in day out with same faces - cabin fever or what... and no time "out" / time alone as most time not working is spent sleeping. Plus of course them missing the milestones, 1st birthday, 1st xmas, steps etc.. HAVE to keep remembering this stuff!

ivegota - YES! bed to self, god yes! know what you mean wondering how you'd cope if he was in a 9-5 at home as it's all you've known, i can really relate & it's only been 3 yrs! it's almost like you get kind of institutionalised in this way of working / living. I joke that if he got a job onshore it'd be divorce, not the most sympathetic i kno... god no wonder we're in a mess! Good advice appreciating him when home, think i've failed there a bit...

sparky i think letters are a really good idea! there is a guy my dp works with who no kidding gets a bunch of letters fr his partner (of years), she writes him a letter every single day and he gets them as a bunch on the 2 or so deliveries they get a week. Now THAT'S beautiful, think what you could express in writing, it's lost today, v romantic and puts me to shame as i only ever send him out stuff he's forgotten or cash (his) since he never seems to take enough for all those offshore essentials.

Decided to make a fish pie for tea tonight which took AGES, demolished my kitchen with mess as dd demolished the rest of the house. Eventually sat down to eat and it was GOOD but dd took one, ONE mouthful and said "nuff mummy" pushed her plate away and left table she had baked beans instead...

sorry for over long post, ahem..

Hi, my dh has worked offshore for 25 years, we have been together 29. I am now 44 so he started when I was 19 and we were living together. He is now in the North sea doing 2 off 2 on which he has done since our children were born. He used to go to Egypt, Africa and so on whenever he was called up but once the kids were born (he was offshore for the birth of the first one 6 weeks prematurely)he was offered a regular 2 on 2 off as we thought it was better with a family.
He has missed Christmas and New year a few times and was also away when my dad died last year so it can be tough. He is on good money so we always make sure we have a good holiday or 2. I work as a teaching assistant, not for the money really although it all helps, but more for the social side. So I get all the school holidays off. My children are 14 and 15 now so have their own social life so I find it more lonely now in a way then when they were small. I do go out for a drink sometimes when he is away. He probably isn't that keen on in but I have always told him that life doesn't stop because he is away, much as I love him.
You have to have total trust in a relationship like this or there is no chance.
His rig has been in dry dock in Rotterdam before now and they get to go out sometimes although its been a few years since that happened. I do feel like I have 2 different lives but we have done it for so many years now I couldn't imagine any other way. I am very busy with my life, I have lots of friends but like tonight a lot of my friends have gone out in couples and I get fed up then. He is home Wednesdaay, will be knackered until about Saturday, we will have a good weekend, the week after will be ok and then we will cram everything into the last weekend as he will be going back again. Anyway sorry to ramble on, it has been a long lonely Saturday night though!

dizzy really interesting to hear what you say and i value your insights given how long you have both been working this.

You're right to say life doesn't stop because he is away and it's good that you have your work and your friends. Like you, i work and have a busy, full life but despite that it can be very lonely and of course all the essentials, the building blocks of any relationship, are on hold for weeks at a time, only then to be crammed when home.

My dd is still very young and my primary company much of the time.

Total trust, yes and i appreciate that that is much more difficult for him on the rig.

V much with you on the knackered-good-cram cycle 'cept we've been throwing a lot of additional stress at one another alongside this too

enjoy your time when he is home next week

various input from others in similar situations has really opened my eyes in the most positive way, so thanks for that x

Oh yes linserella, however busy you are you can still get lonely. I have been to weddings, funerals, family parties and so on without him and it is def not the same.
It is hard with children as well as they miss their Dad. The heliport is just down the road for us, we can see it from the bedroom window so we used to see his helicopter flying him away. We used to meet him though and watch the helicopter land and they used to get really excited. We live by the sea and once his rig moved seven miles off from here and we could actually see it from the beach. At the moment he is flying from humberside though, so even though we have a heliport on the doorstep, he has a few hours drive now as the rig has moved so far away.
I find life quite difficult at times with my dss though. It was difficult when they were small like your dd but in different ways. I find now having two stroppy teenage sons hard work. The youngest especially dotes on his dad and he just has different kinds of conversations and so on with him.
The thing we argue most about is the kids though. For 2 weeks it is just me and them. They ask me when they have to be in etc and he then comes home and puts his foot down over something and they resent him.
Also ds1 will be watching tv after school and if dh is home he will just go in and turn the news on, ds1 goes mad and I just think bugger this, I'll take the dog out.
Even after all these years it can be difficult to adjust.

You lot are not reassuring me
6 months in this is still all new and exciting and as a single parent I am used to being alone and doing stuff alone, I live miles away from him anyway and we are going to be having to make some major decisions fairly soon I think ...
I do feel bad that he is making all the effort at the moment especially when I know he working so hard and feeling quite fed up with it !

Oh sorry macdoodle dont mean to put yout off!
On the plus side our relationship has always kept new and exciting. He is really appreciative that I have always been here for him and that I have stuck by him, because it is something you have to work at. He got an award for having been there 20 years and had to chose a gift as his award. They were nearly all mens gift but he got me a diamond ring bcause he said I deserved it!
I really hope it all works out for you x

dizzy, i can quite imagine how hard it can be - in a different way - with 2 teenage sons. Understand too bout you ALL having to adjust (dh putting foot down, them reacting) and can already see this in our situation around dd. I bring her up on my own for 3 weeks at a time in a way which works best for both of us and then he returns and there can be issues over discipline (he thinks i undermine his "authority").

Funny, my dad worked away in london throughout my childhood, returning at weekends and due to his booming voice and exertion of discipline we were all like - uh oh! dad's coming home and half dreaded it as it was never as relaxed as when it was just my mum! so yeah we all had to adjust.

sorry to here bout your dad dizzy btw, it's a tough one, i lost mine 5 years ago. Horrible to go thru that when your "rock" is so far away.

nice the heli was so close to you. dd understands her dad works away (helicopter and oil rig are in her vocab now!), it's all she's ever known and we try to involve her and it's nice (for dp and dd) that they can talk on phone now.

macdoodle, your situation is slightly different at the mo, and no - don't want to put you off! As dizzy says - there is a lot of advantages of this way of working. Diamond ring dizzy is a beautiful gesture and i'm sure you do deserve it!

off out now x

signed off in a hurry there, macdoodle - i should have said good luck with it all, sounds like you're at a bit of a crossroads, making major decisions in next few months. You're right and it's good that you have no problems being alone, i'd say you're already more than half way there in getting used to this way of working! some women can find that aspect alone very difficult.

ok i feel the need to big up all the GOOD in this way of working (since we've pretty much covered the bad) and so macdoodle doesn't think it's all doom and gloom! here goes...

as ivegota said bed to self & i LOVE that!
and remote to self
can slob out and not give a damn
eat what you like when you like
pretty much do whatever you like whn you like
as dizzy said - keeps things fresh & exciting
quality time off together
quality time for them to spend with kids - v much hands on in my experience
sex is always good with th enforced absence! & they are always pretty rampant by that time!
they DO appreciate you more for dealing with this i think, as dizzy said, and their child/ren, i think less is taken for granted
more work goes into it out of necessity i suppose but makes you stronger for it

god i feel great now! do add to it!

back to the little mermaid - dd's current fave!

glad you are focusing on the positives - not having to shave your legs for a few weeks and slobbing out in your old trakky bottoms is just a few. and the quality adult time is a bonus!!

Good to come back and find you're feeling more positive Lins - and lots of great input from other "widows". It makes me realise my LDR is not that bad and that there are some very good aspects to not being with someone 24/7.

I'm inspired to start writing a letter now and again (if I can indeed write these days, my handwriting has become completely illegible after years of keyboard use!). It's so important to have good friends to help us and things to feed the spirit and nothing beats the bliss of having the bed to yourself so often!

My DP and me are planning on being together within a year or so but I'm in no hurry as like you Linserella I'm nervous about how it would affect our relationship. What I'd like is a living apart together thingy where he has a house a few minutes away from mine. The thought of sharing my space with someone else again doesn't exactly fill me with joy...

Oh yes Sparky - i relate! My absolute ideal living situation is for us each to have our own individual house and own stuff (he can keep his boy toys!!), perhaps next door to one another and you could always have a linking door which could be locked Can you imagine how fresh that would keep things?! Dinner at mine tonight? then you could stay over and then leave them with their mess! Loads of people do this, i first got the idea when i read an interview with Helena Bonham-Carter, she and her husband have linked town houses in London, it was a bit of an epiphany moment that, I just thought - wow...

Needless to say he thinks it's a completely mad idea i appreciate it's not exactly conventional.

I think i find it hard to share my space too which in a sense makes the time away work but on the other hand the time home more stressful.

Do the letters! I think it's a great idea.

Nice to hear from you Mutha! How you doing?

am doing okay thanks lins - nearly a week since things went pear shaped and no contact - guess that the fact i am used to him being away for weeks on end means that i suppose i will find it a bit easier to deal with not seeing him.

i too would have loved your living situation and Helena might have the right idea!! i would find it difficult to share my home (and everything else) again after so long. i did miss him when he went but also enjoyed my own space. Enjoyed cuddling up in bed after he'd been away for an age, but then I also loved having the bed to myself after a few weeks of sharing!!!

I used to work offshore a lot and it's not always as grim as 'the lads' make out so don't feel too sorry for them!!! The food is crap however!

Living and working conditions in the UK sector are quite reasonable these days and although the actual hours are long, believe me, many guys find plenty legit ways of not working too hard... I could tell so many tales...

i can believe that whatknot - the amount of times he used to phone/text saying he was bored of drinking tea sat infront of a screen, or if the weather bad and sat in port, going to the pub all day [hmmm]. sometimes when away for 4 weeks he would say he did bugger all the whole time or had about 3 days when he actually did some work. remember one time he said he sat for 4 out of 5 weeks sunbathing and fishing off the side of the barge - off the coast of dubai - one week of work which was completed and 4 weeks while they waited to be allowed to dock.

NM is off Flying down to see me tomorrow
And he has grown a beard have hinted big time that he should lose it before tomorrow !!

ooo whatknot, do tell!

I can quite believe what you're saying amongst some of the higher paid professionals. However my dp is on the drill crew, pretty much at the start of his career (involved in the arts prior to this believe it or not!) and altho they get involved in pulling plenty of stunts to relieve the monotony these guys are GRAFTING!! or has this been a big fat lie?! Wow that sounds like a hard life Mutha! Heard similar in the past, I'm sure that's what most of them are aspiring to!

macdoodle, have fun! I've noticed the regression to stone age man when offshore! you never know you might like it

Mutha, a week and no contact, i'm sorry All this time alone is good in that respect, we have to be relatively independant and resourceful and maybe when the going gets tough we are better equipped to weather the storm? But of course it is still tough I know. He won't want to mess you around anymore than he already has and I suspect he is making a concerted effort to stick to his word, but little consolation. Try to make the most of this time out to be clear on what you want / need and spend quality time with friends and family, they're always there for you and so are we here on mn! It's been good to connect with others. Take care x