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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Well and truly at the end of my tether...what would you do

46 replies

Daisypops · 26/02/2009 22:04

I will try and keep this short as I would be typing for hours if I told you the whole story from the thread to the needle.
Been with DP for 4 years we have a 2 yo DD.
I've found various girls names and numbers on his phone, probably about 15 different ones over the last 18 months, he denys anything going on with them and says they are work colleagues that hes know for years. I regularly checked his phone (wrong I know) and not all of those names have been in his phone everytime Ive checked.

We dont live together (thank god) because hes got a flat he cant sell and frankly I dont want to live with him after all this. Anyway, we have numerous bust ups over this which has just ground me down and is starting to make me hate him. He will not allow me to look at his phone and Ive caught a few times on his laptop smirking to himself then clicking his mouse and shutting things down when I walk in the room. He has two girls names on his MSN with hearts at the side of them (sad I know, hes 34) and when he texts me he puts 'lol' and 'hun' which is so unlike him, this just makes me think he is chatting online with girls because these are the kind of words used when chatting online. He NEVER calls me hun or says lol. This may sound really pathetic but when you really dont trust someone you read in to EVERYTHING.

In January he found a lump he thought was cancer and his way of dealing with it was to drink, one night when he was at my house, I came down and he was drinking a bottle of champagne a friend bought me for xmas, he'd already drunk 16 bottles of stella, I took it from the table and in to the kitchen, he came in grabbed my hair pulled me and slammed my head against the kitchen cupboards. I was in shock but uninjured, got dd out of bed and went to stay at my mums. We were there for 4 days as he refused to leave my house. In the end I spoke to his family and they got him to leave. He had an appt at the hospital and the lump wasn't cancerous.

Things have bever been 100% with us but I just feel myself hating him. He never spends anytime with DD, hasn't paid me for her this month asked if he could miss this month because hes short and he owes me money which Im getting back in dribs and drabs.

I feel so sorry for DD, she is a beautiful clever little girl and he is missing out on so much, he hasnt seen her since sunday and hasnt asked me how she is, hes wallowing in self pity at the moment because he has tonsilitus. He is such a let let down as a father and a partner. He has let me down in so many respects. I am finding myself really hating because he is just not interested in our dd and is all wrapped up in himself.

I think the time has come for me to completely back away and get a new life. Me and DD deserves a better life than this.

I cant tolerate the mind games and lies anymore.

Like I said at the beginning there are so many other examples of his shitiness that I could tell you about but there are too many to list and I dont want to waffle.

Would just like your views and support really as my mum is tired of talking to me about it all. TIA. Daisy. xxx

OP posts:
solidgoldbullet4myvalentine · 26/02/2009 22:08

You don't seem to be getting anything out of this relationship and he has been violent to you on at least one occasion. I would say get rid. Sadly if he is your DDs father you will have to stay in touch so that she can retain a relationship with him (as long as his abusive behaviour doesn't make it unsafe) but really, there is no reason for you to stay in a relationship with someone who contributes nothing to your happiness.

sheilatakeabow · 26/02/2009 22:09

A lot of the time I read the 'my partner is shit' threads and never bother postig. But, sorry, he sounds like such an unpleasant man. Self-pitying, violent, lazy, crap father - you know the answer...just leave. Not as easy as it sounds, but it must be better than this. And the fact you're already living on your own will make things easier. HTH

Spero · 26/02/2009 22:12

What the others say.

He doesn't sound as if he even likes you, let alone loves you and wants to care for you and your daughter. You do deserve better, and so does she.

themoon66 · 26/02/2009 22:13

I don't normally post on these sort of relationship threads, but I have to say, reading yours has shocked me really. I'm shocked you can call him 'DP'.

Make a life without him.

Original poster
Daisypops · 26/02/2009 22:18

Thanks for your replies. I really do appreciate any support and confirmation that he is a dick and Im doing the right thing.

I just cant understand why he doesnt want to spend time with DD. she is the most precious thing to me in the world and I dont get why he doesnt feel the same. How can he got for days without seeing her, asking abot her? Will he ever realise what hes missing out on. He once said his dad was never there and he was a shit dad, look at him! Its laughable. I am angry and feel like I want to hurt him for been such a selfish twat.

OP posts:
solidgoldbullet4myvalentine · 26/02/2009 22:20

You do have a major advantage in that you don't live with him, so no worries about trying either to make him leave or find somewhere else to live. Best of luck - you really don't need to waste any more time on him.

Original poster
Daisypops · 26/02/2009 22:20

I have just sat and re read my first message and its made me cry.

I am putting on a front to all my friends and family (apart from mum and dad) and I cant do it anymore. I feel such a failure because all my friends are married and happy and having more kids and its all I ever wanted. I have to realise that I wont get what I want with him. Ive been in this position so many time, sat crying on my own, wanting out but the time has come to actually do it and mean it.

OP posts:
Original poster
Daisypops · 26/02/2009 22:22

I have just sat and re read my first message and its made me cry.

I am putting on a front to all my friends and family (apart from mum and dad) and I cant do it anymore. I feel such a failure because all my friends are married and happy and having more kids and its all I ever wanted. I have to realise that I wont get what I want with him. Ive been in this position so many time, sat crying on my own, wanting out but the time has come to actually do it and mean it.

OP posts:
Original poster
Daisypops · 26/02/2009 22:22

I have just sat and re read my first message and its made me cry.

I am putting on a front to all my friends and family (apart from mum and dad) and I cant do it anymore. I feel such a failure because all my friends are married and happy and having more kids and its all I ever wanted. I have to realise that I wont get what I want with him. Ive been in this position so many time, sat crying on my own, wanting out but the time has come to actually do it and mean it.

OP posts:
Original poster
Daisypops · 26/02/2009 22:23

oops. sorry about that

OP posts:
HolyGuacamole · 26/02/2009 22:33

Get this man out of your life.

He is not good for you at all. If he respected you in any way, he would not be acting the way the way that he has, lump or no lump. Yes we can have too much to drink in times of extreme stress, but we don't hit people. There is NO EXCUSE for being physical with you, In times of trouble he should be sharing his problems with you and not being violent. Asides that, he isn't open and honest with you, he hides things. You are worth more than this.

At least you don't live with him. I'm not saying that makes it any easier in terms of breaking up with him, but at least you don't have the added trauma of legally getting him out of the house and all of the financial/emotional stuff that can go hand and hand with that.

You earn the right to be in someones life by being respectful and treating others the way you want to be treated. If you are not getting that in return - get rid.

Spero · 26/02/2009 22:40

I was reading what David Cameron said about whatever he achieved in politics, he would always think his family was his greatest achievement, and I started welling up because my ex clearly doesn't think that about his daughter, even though she is lovely and loves him very much.

I think some men just don't have much feeling for small children, maybe it gets better when the children grow up, but in a lot of cases it will be too late.

it is very sad but it is NOT a reflection on you or your daughter, it is a tragic reflection on him and what he seems to be incapable of experiencing. Try to feel sorry for him. It sounds like your life will be so much richer than his ever could.

HolyGuacamole · 26/02/2009 22:41

Right, listen up!

You are NOT a failure. Your family would much rather help you in times of trouble than watch some sort of facade that you are living a happy life in pretence (sp?).

If you are so unhappy, they would feel so sad for you and they would want to help you in any way that they can because they want what is best for you. You'd expect them to come to you in times of trouble wouldn't you? And you'd rush to be there and help? You wouldn't judge or be disappointed in them. Don't be scared to ask for help, it is what family and friends are for.

Crying is fine so get it all out. You are only human, you're not some kind of robot without feelings. If I ever thought any of my friends were in your situation, I'd be devastated for them and I'd want to be there as much as they needed me. Honestly, chin up, you will get thru this and you WILL be fine!!!

Prosecco · 26/02/2009 22:45

Leave him.

He does not deserve you.

You have given as much as you can and should, amd got nothing in return.

Original poster
Daisypops · 26/02/2009 22:47

Thanks again for posting reading everyones comments really is helping me and I have re read them a few times now. Please keep posting anyone/everyone! I have to go to bed now as got work in the morning but will check in tomorrow. Thanks again. Daisy. xxx

OP posts:
solidgoldbullet4myvalentine · 27/02/2009 01:44

Please take from this the very, very important message that it's OK to be single. It's much better to be single than in a relationship with an arsehole.

MadamDeathstare · 27/02/2009 02:10

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AreyouDancing · 27/02/2009 06:35

Daisypops - what the others have said, really.

What do you get from this relationship?

Nothing but heartache apparently.

Also, it must be so upsetting if he is not bothering with your DD, but that is NOT your responsibility. He will reap what he sows.

ThePregnantHedgeWitch · 27/02/2009 08:31

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

RealityIsMyOnlyDelusion · 27/02/2009 08:37

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Original poster
Daisypops · 27/02/2009 16:40

Thanks agin everyone. Didnt go to work today as DD was sick all thru the night it is still unwell. He hasnt seen her since monday and even then he didnt communicate with her. Ive text him about an hour ago to tell him shes ill as he hasnt even asked about her and he hasnt replied! I reckon he mist be seeing someone else, how can he be not bothered about asking about her or miss her.
He doesnt have the keys to my house thank god, theres just some stuff of his in my garage. He has to put some videos of dd on to disks for me and if i fall out with him I know i will never get them so im trying to be sweet until i get them, they are so precious as they are from when she was younger. Spoke to my mum today and she said to keep him sweet then just avoid all contact. I was thinking today why should i let him see dd when he hasnt even paid for her this month?

OP posts:
Original poster
Daisypops · 27/02/2009 16:53

Thanks agin everyone. Didnt go to work today as DD was sick all thru the night it is still unwell. He hasnt seen her since monday and even then he didnt communicate with her. Ive text him about an hour ago to tell him shes ill as he hasnt even asked about her and he hasnt replied! I reckon he mist be seeing someone else, how can he be not bothered about asking about her or miss her.
He doesnt have the keys to my house thank god, theres just some stuff of his in my garage. He has to put some videos of dd on to disks for me and if i fall out with him I know i will never get them so im trying to be sweet until i get them, they are so precious as they are from when she was younger. Spoke to my mum today and she said to keep him sweet then just avoid all contact. I was thinking today why should i let him see dd when he hasnt even paid for her this month?

OP posts:
Original poster
Daisypops · 27/02/2009 16:54

Dont know why I keep posting more than once-sorry

OP posts:
OrmIrian · 27/02/2009 16:56

What are his redeeming features? He sounds awful and you'd be better off without him.

Original poster
Daisypops · 27/02/2009 16:57

redeeming feature (!) is that hes got a good job but I reckon that encourages his womanising so maybe not that good.

OP posts: