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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I feel like such a slutty cow.........

48 replies

what2donow · 22/02/2009 23:40

have posted before about my situation...in brief was seeing a guy who was married (he said entirely unhappily), all very intense & emotional, we're the loves of each others lives etc. Shit royally hit the fan when my ex started phoning his wife, he ended up resigning from his job and all went quiet for a few months......

I did eventually hear from him again a couple of weeks ago. He has a new job, but nowhere near as good or well paid as the one he left. He told me he still feels the same about me, and asked me to give him some more time to sort himself and his family out financially and emotionally, which of course I agreed. We are both going to an event in June, and he said he hoped to see me then, although probably not before, and we agreed we shouldnt contact each other in the meantime.

I know that by most peoples standards, what ive done so far is wrong. In truth, Im hoping that when i see him in June, he will either then be a single man, or he will tell me he's staying in his marriage, in which case I will have to end it, because I dont want to be the OW any more.

In the meantime though, at the weekend I went out with my single friends, got very drunk (though thats not an excuse) and ended up shagging some guy from the pub . I'm not sure why I did it, he was quite fit, & actually quite good in bed but I had no real feelings for him. I think i just did it becausev i could, iyswim.

My friends (who are not too impressed with my OM anyway) tell me not to beat myself up, that I'm not seeing OM now, and so don't have to be faithful to him. They dont think he will leave, so in their view the whole thing is on borrowed time anyway. I know he would hate me if he knew, and I feel pretty awful for having been unfaithful to him. Part of me is tempted to phone him (although we agreed not to) and just finish it now, because i feel so bad. I couldnt bear him to know about this, and wonder if this is a sign we're not meant to be. if i really loved him like i say i do, would i have done this?

OP posts:
moondog · 22/02/2009 23:42

God, you've nothnig to feel bad about at all.
Good for you. You sound like a goer!!

LynetteScavo · 22/02/2009 23:55

It's none of the married mans buisness who or what you are sleeping with. He is still with his wife.

You slept with the pub man because you were drunk, and are single.

Pawslikepaddington · 23/02/2009 00:46

Hello, tis the other woman who is regretting her weekend! Don't beat yourself up, really. By the look of things he is not going to have left his wife-he would have done so went it all went wrong if he was, and so therefore you are free and single and can do as you please. P.S. am very at your non-emotional attachment to pub guy-that is what I should have done!

Original poster
what2donow · 23/02/2009 00:49

that makes me feel a little better i think

MD - Most men probably do see me as a goer. Sadly all I actually want to be is a cupcake baking, pinny wearing housewife

LS- I know he doesnt like me to think of myself as single. but then that would mean he would be in 2 relationships wouldnt it?......

OP posts:
Desiderata · 23/02/2009 00:51

Why did he resign from his job?

Original poster
what2donow · 23/02/2009 01:06

paws - i think it helped i didnt really know him beforehand, and its not my local (thankfully!) so wont bump into him again....however have done the whole emotional thing before myself, so entirely understand where you are coming from (I remember giving my number out in the past & then being genuinely at not getting a call...to the extent of getting BT to check my line was working, and acccusing my then housemate of deleting msgs on my answerphone!)

desi - long story, basically my ex caused a lot of trouble for him at work, it would probably have been deemed gross misconduct on his part so rather than stick it out, and at best end up with a written warning (and at worst be sacked) he resigned, negotiated a reasonable reference & got something else luckily in the current climate. I feel bad about that of course as well since it was largely my ex's fault....!

OP posts:
Pawslikepaddington · 23/02/2009 01:36

What2do-don't feel too bad-he was probably going to cheat on his wife anyway, so someone's ex would have ended up doing that at some point. And you will never have an affair with a married man again due to the probs it has caused you both (will you!!). And thank you for being shocked at the no call-how can they live with themselves!!

Earlybird · 23/02/2009 03:20

Don't feel guilty - it is entirely likely that the your ex sleeps with his wife from time to time. And besides, he is still with her, and not with you!

More to the point - and this is not a moral judgement - think you need to ponder why you are choosing the men/situations you are. If all you really want is 'to be is a cupcake baking, pinny wearing housewife', you're doing a damn fine job ensuring that doesn't happen. There must be some reason you continually choose unavailable/unsuitable men...and when I say 'continually' it is perhaps an exaggeration based on the two men you've told us about.

My point - is there something deeper going on?

cashmeremafia · 23/02/2009 08:13

God knows what the guy's told you. Grab life by the throat girl. You shouldn't worry about your drinks shag

It should have opened your eyes that there are quite a few fit, single men in town who you can have fun with.

Agree with others that by the sound of it, your OM is staying put. To save yourself a lot of heartbreak it's be best to pick yourself up and look elsewhere. Give the June meeting a miss if you can...esp. if you're not strong enough to not fall for all his lies again. I know it hurts, but why beat yourself up about a random shag, your OM is undoubtedly still bonking his wife if she lets him. Men will if they can.

Original poster
what2donow · 23/02/2009 19:43

EB - I was in a horrible relationship for a long time which finally finished about 18 months ago, i had every opportunity then to do the housewifey bit but was too miserable to want to in truth however that was exactly how i saw my future with OM, and what he told me he wanted a few months ago.

CM - I take your point; I realise notwithstanding what he said before, that theres no guarantee in 3 months time he will have decided to be with me. If I dont feel able to break it off then if he isnt free, then I will avoid seeing him, although I know already that will hurt like hell cos I've been counting the days since last speaking to him....

am v appreciative of everyones kind replies especially after having been told by one of my closest friends today that I'm a) a slag for having a one night stand and b) that my actions make it clear my love for OM was all bullshit.......not really what i needed to hear.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 23/02/2009 20:07

neither (a) nor (b) is true

prettyfly1 · 23/02/2009 20:51

What is true however is that you need new friends.

donesameasyou · 24/02/2009 11:47

testing namechange

donesameasyou · 24/02/2009 11:51

to the op I have done a similar thing recently, think it's because I am trying to distract myself from the painful situation I am in. I don't think it means you are a slapper - one night stands are allowed between consenting adults or that your feelings for OM aren't real.

I have tried to drag myself away from MM without success and I can't seem to face up to the fact that he won't leave. So I am trying to kid myself that having a meaningless thing will distract me. Not sure whether that is really the case.

noddyholder · 24/02/2009 11:58

they must both be loving it!

BitOfFun · 24/02/2009 12:00

Cupcakes and pinnies aren't really on offer from a man who would dump his wife and kids though, surely? I think you would be kindest to yourself (and his wife) if you start trying to have relationships that don't start from a point of dishonesty. This is not said to judge you (I've done things I'm not proud of), but because I really don't think you could find the kind of life you want with a cheater.

Niftyblue · 24/02/2009 12:09

This is`nt a relationship with the OM

HE is married to someone else hes the one being unfaithfull to his wife !!!

What you choose to do on an saturday night is your business and your business only

Dont waste anymore time on this guy he wont leave his wife

Wigglesworth · 24/02/2009 12:14

You are being unfaithful to him, are you taking the piss? He's still with his wife, don't hang around waiting for him to make a decision, you go and get yours you have nothing to feel guilty about.

OrmIrian · 24/02/2009 12:15

Well I feel like a cheese and pickle sandwich. Anyone got one?

Sorry OP IMO you have nothing to be ashamed about.

rolandbrowning · 24/02/2009 12:17

Please don't use the 'S' word. You felt like a shag, nothing wrong with that.

Wigglesworth · 24/02/2009 12:26

Especially if the bloke was fit too, score!!!

BitOfFun · 24/02/2009 12:51

And wtf is your so-called friend going on about? You're supposed to put your life on hold and live like a nun on the off-chance loverboy leaves his wife? How romantic

lou33 · 24/02/2009 14:04

i dont think he has any say in your personal life tbh

you should be grinning, you had a good shag with a hot bloke

nothing to feel bad about

DaddyJ · 24/02/2009 16:28

It is certainly difficult to feel sorry for your OM
but how you do feel about having effectively cheated on 'the love of your life'
with a random bloke from the pub?

veryembarrassedmummy · 24/02/2009 16:41

You shouldn't feel guilty about the incident- but just don't make the mistake of having casual sex all the time as a means to boost your self-esteem, or you will end up feeling hollow and hating yourself.

If you are seen as a "goer" maybe ask why, and if that is how you want to be seen.

If you want casual sex and the man is up for it too, that's all well and good. If you are using another man to get the OM temporarily out of your head, and prove to yourself that you can still pull,then maybe that's not quite right- I don't know- I think you maybe just need to be honest as to whether the casual sex is trying to fill an emotional neeed- which is probably won't- or if it is simply to satisfy a sexual urge- like having the cheese sandwich as someone else said.