I feel like such a slutty cow.........

[what2donow]

have posted before about my situation...in brief was seeing a guy who was married (he said entirely unhappily), all very intense & emotional, we're the loves of each others lives etc. Shit royally hit the fan when my ex started phoning his wife, he ended up resigning from his job and all went quiet for a few months......

I did eventually hear from him again a couple of weeks ago. He has a new job, but nowhere near as good or well paid as the one he left. He told me he still feels the same about me, and asked me to give him some more time to sort himself and his family out financially and emotionally, which of course I agreed. We are both going to an event in June, and he said he hoped to see me then, although probably not before, and we agreed we shouldnt contact each other in the meantime.

I know that by most peoples standards, what ive done so far is wrong. In truth, Im hoping that when i see him in June, he will either then be a single man, or he will tell me he's staying in his marriage, in which case I will have to end it, because I dont want to be the OW any more.

In the meantime though, at the weekend I went out with my single friends, got very drunk (though thats not an excuse) and ended up shagging some guy from the pub . I'm not sure why I did it, he was quite fit, & actually quite good in bed but I had no real feelings for him. I think i just did it becausev i could, iyswim.

My friends (who are not too impressed with my OM anyway) tell me not to beat myself up, that I'm not seeing OM now, and so don't have to be faithful to him. They dont think he will leave, so in their view the whole thing is on borrowed time anyway. I know he would hate me if he knew, and I feel pretty awful for having been unfaithful to him. Part of me is tempted to phone him (although we agreed not to) and just finish it now, because i feel so bad. I couldnt bear him to know about this, and wonder if this is a sign we're not meant to be. if i really loved him like i say i do, would i have done this?

shut up daddyj

there is nothing wrong with one night stands - as long as you dont expect them to be anything more than that.

as long as NEITHER PARTY wants it to be more than that- guys have feelings too.

True - but the ones I've had were clear that it would be nothing more. I think! lol

Thanks everyone

My friend (of the nasty comments ) & I have agreed to not discuss it again!.....we are very different, she has had very few sexual partners and none for the last 8-10 years so in things like this we are poles apart which probably explains her response - i only told her because we are so close in many ways and she knows the full story re OM which not all my other friends do.......

Having reflected on it further, although I still feel undeniably bad about cheating on the love of my life (as per DaddyJ) at the same time I know full well

a)OM still sleeps with his wife, albeit according to him only on Xmas & birthdays - both have happened since I last saw him so thats at least twice by his own account

b)he has had the chance to leave before now & hasnt & although i wouldnt want a man who could just abandon his children without a backward glance - who would? - at the same time he has always told me how worried he was I wouldnt wait for him and would leave him for someone more available, yet I still have no idea what hes planning to do!

Frankly though I doubt he does either - I think he is hoping for his wife to kick him out - which she wouldn't because that would allow him to be with me - or for a fairy godmother to wave a magic wand & us all to live happily ever after. Sadly im not joking. I think he genuinely hopes the latter might happen.

I enjoyed friday for what it was at the time, good sex, with no strings. I didnt want anything more, because the only person i want 'more' than that with is my OM... who (probably far far TMI!) is the only person I've ever really felt an emotional connection with when having sex - even with my ex who i was with for 8 years, it was just sex. I liked it but i never felt any emotion other than enjoyment. Which is why I've found it so hard to let go of my feelings for OM. But I guess June will come soon enough & resolve it all one way or t'other.

Yes, I get the picture now.
And re-read your OP so fair enough -
have fun and I hope it works out.

Often, a no-strings shag with a pleasant person who happens to be available is a very good way of getting over forlorn wishes for someone who is not available to you any more.
Don't waste your life hanging around for Mr Married Man - yo udon't owe him anything and he's not likely to leave his wife for you if he hasn't done so.

Reading this: 1. OM wants to have his cake and eat it, and won't do a thing to leave his wife. In June no doubt there will be more excuses as to why he can't leave. He showed his loyalty to her (well, what's left of it) by trying to distance himself from you when your ex first made trouble and his wife found out.

When you re-established contact he was weak and wanted the excitement again of you on the side and his wife at home without her knowing. As for her refusing to kick him out - who would want a man who loved someone else living with them? She doesn't have him on a leash - if he wanted to go he could choose to, and she is unlikely to be settling for a twice yearly shag if she knows about you and suspects he's about to leave. Therefore he is lying to you like he lies to her.

Please don't waste energy on the spineless, lying creep and find a man who deserves you, not someone who won't give you what you need because deep down he's a selfish twunt!

IMO - you do sound like a slutty cow to me!

And as for the married man - of course he needs time to sort his family out before he leaves his dragon wife to be with his strumpet!!

Look love - he's telling you the oldest line on the book.

Dont become a STUPID slutty cow! Move on. Shag who you like - as long as they not someone elses husband.

Sorry, no sympathy here. I find your logic pretty weird actually.
Why did you start an affair with a married man in the first place?
Are you pissed off that he has slept with his wife?

He'll never leave her. And even if he does, he'll do the same to you. That's a dead cert.

Get on with your life and find someone who puts you first and loves you, not someone else's cast off who has so little respect for you.

I suspect you want to phone him to tell him what you've done in order to make him jealous. Not a good idea.

It's a no brainer, I'm afraid.

Though it might do him good to have someone cheat on him for a change?

it is not cheating if he is already married to somebody else, and the OP should remember that

Phone him and tell him? Thats got to be the last thing I would do. Whatever happens, I wouldn't want him to know about this. Honestly. Why would I feel bad if all I intended to do was brag about it to OM?

abdelia - I know (not via him) that his wife has openly said she would not throw him out because she knew he had nowhere to live and he would have to move in with me, which she didn't want.

I dont know, and wouldnt pretend to know, the ins and outs of their relationship or what really goes on behind closed doors. And I accept entirely that he could leave, its not just about her allowing him to stay.

I can make excuses for him all day long. I've had months of practice I do know he adores his DCs and he will find it unbearably hard to have anything less than joint residency, which I doubt he would get. but at the end of the day, he could have left many times by now.

However, I can't see any of this is currently at all exciting for him - we had a 10 minute phone call in which he explained briefly what had happened, & agreed we would meet in June. We're not now in contact in any way and won't be until the next meeting. Part of me is tempted to try and contact him now, and just finish it rather than let it limp on for another 4 months, but most of me wants to give him a final chance...even if it does turn out to be a total waste of time

what2donow

why don't you take the initiative and quit waiting on his feelings and his actions?

your life is passing you by while you hang on for him to "make up his mind"

what will be different in June?

well, for him, the dust will have settled and you will be gagging to surrender to him again

please get some self-respect and dump this fuckwit

pound to a penny, he will have moved onto his next mug conquest this time next year!

I hope you get it sorted out, one way or another. Whether intentionally or not, OM has kept you on a piece of string and lets face it, four months is gonna seem like four years to you...I personally think you should tell him now that you want to break off all ties. It will be really difficult, especially with the connections you have shared, but I feel, for your sanity, it is the only choice. To want to be so desperately loved, by someone who can't be truthful, comes at a price.

Oh, and while you're fantasising about 'happy ever after', he's in the real world, only he thinks that in his world, he can have his cake and eat it.

Please stop all ties. If you feel this bad now, how bad will you feel in four months? Please don't make the mistake of thinking that you want to give him one more chance. One more chance to what, mess you about?

I hope he doesn't feel about you, the same way you felt about the pub guy...

Hope it works out for you

Get on with your own life and forget him. He is a sad liar, lowlife and a cheat. Perhaps he is really giving it a go with his wife and marriage. There must be something there, or he would be in your bed now and not his marital one.
Perhaps he had some of the ego boost, fun, excitement or whatever from you but now realises he needs to try on his marriage. Perhaps he is keeping you dangling - like a saftey net incase his wife tells him to fuck off at some stage. Or perhaps, he is waiting for the dust to settle at home before he enjoys the pleasure of a different hole to his wifes!

OR maybe he has some other woman on the go and the randy bastard is playing you all off against the other.

The fact is you dont REALLY know - he is a cheat and a liar.

If he wanted to leave his wife for you - why is he dithering? He is dithering for the same reasons MOST married men do - the extra sex is nice but when push comes to shove staying put at home with the dragon, evil wife is a better option.

And if he leaves her for you - you can rest assured it wont be happy ever after. When you become his wife/partner you will creat a new vacancy in the positionyou once stood (as the OW).

He sounds shit. A really bad catch!
Get out there, get a life. Dont bother telling him you dont want him - he prolly is not thinking much about you when shagging his wife. The only thing he is good for is his award winning performance of emotions! Give him an oscar and tell him where to ram it!

Have been thinking some more - not re last weeks events but generally re OM. Had a really great, but odd day today, someone paid me a lot of compliments & made me laugh like I haven't for months.

Reminded me of OM, as he always used to tell me how he loved to see my smile & hear me laugh. And made me realise that I don't want to wait any more. So I'm phoning him tomorrow (or trying to - he cant use his mobile at work, & for obvious reasons I wont ring him when hes at home, so will have to try and judge when hes on way to/from & call then...), not to tell him what went on at the weekend, but to say that whilst I still love him with all my heart, I can't bear to wait any longer, that if he (when/if he is single) wants me he knows where I am, but I'm not going to contact him again, and i will now be thinking of myself as single.

hope i dont chicken out. i was always so sure he would one day leave but now i dont think so. i guess its easier not to. I should know, it took me nearly 8 years to leave my ex. feel but i know i'll feel worse once ive made the call, cos either he'll cry too which will make it worse, or he wont seem bothered in the slightest (ditto). but you're all right, i cant leave this any longer. waiting til june or beyond would be torture.

would like to say im hoping for a positive outcome, but i dont think whatever happens there really is one.

your version of a positive outcome is for him to leave his famly

he won't do that

oh yes, he will cry, he will plead, he will mind-fuck you

but he won't be yours, whatever the outcome

what2donow, was it really our comments that brought you to this latest conclusion, or some attention from what I am presuming is another man (the compliments you got today)

I really feel you need to stop looking for approval from outside yourself, especially from men, and work on bigging yourself up

And even if you get him you will also get resentful part-time kids who blame you for splitting up their family (he's their dad so naturally doesn't qualify for such treatment, it all gets loaded on you). Are you prepared to take on someone else's family, not just the hearts and flowers?

If you must contact him TEXT not call! Tell him you have moved on. No slushy shit. Give him no come ons, so he does not head fuck you. Tell him you want no more contact in your text and do NOT respond to any calls or txt he send you! If neccesary threaten to tell his wife if he wont back off! That usually shits up the married man!

IMO you owe the cheating bastard nothing. I would not bother to tell him. He may not have any intention of caling you in June or whenever he is supposed to. Married men rarely do call when they say! He is obviously giving it another go at home - if he knew you were the one, he would not still be there!

Move on and shag the new bloke paying you attention, although, if your enjoying the attention, keeps your knickers on for as long as possible. Men usually loose interest when the mystery has gone!

Well, I spoke to him. It was as bad as I thought, and then some. We both cried, and got very upset.

He told me that he has been to see a solicitor about separation/divorce, and has apparently been told his best chance of getting joint residence of their DCs is if he has a proper home for him and DCs to live in. He doesn't earn much, and currently only has a few £ left over at the end of the month, not enough to afford another property. So he's said he is currently selling various fairly prized possessions to raise the £10k or so he thinks he will need for deposit & rent on new place, legal costs etc. His plan - so he says - is to try and sort this out in the next few months, he wanted to present it to me as a fait accompli in June.

He said he hoped that if he could manage it, and if I wanted, we would then get somewhere to live together early next year, once we have both met each others DCs, they have met each other etc.

Do I believe him? Partly yes. I know the selling things part is true (I've checked online on where he said they were for sale, and it's true), but I've no way of knowing why, he could just be doing it to raise money for their family in general.

So I told him that I hope he's telling me the truth and not just spinning me a line, and to contact me once he has sorted himself and everything else out, but that I cant and won't be the other woman in the meantime and that unless and until I do hear from him I will be considering myself to be single because he isn't in a position to enter into a relationship with me whilst he's already in one

I am partly resigned to the fact that may be the last time I speak to him. But I'm starting to feel I'm too good for half a relationship, and frankly so is his wife. We both deserve him to be honest with us, and indeed himself.

Hope I've done the right thing. I think I have - eventually.

I think you ahve done the right thing - you want him and have made aware of that and its up to him now. I too believe that if men having affairs really wanted to leave their wives they would. I hope things turn out well for you, whatever that looks like.