Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Facebook woes (again, sorry!) - is he BU?

49 replies

OhBollocks · 22/02/2009 08:06

Namechanged as am known on here in RL. But regular I promise.

I work and DP is a SAHD. He's a brilliant, brilliant dad, and he's my best friend, and I love him with all of my heart. But we met in bad circumstances (he was married) and he has had to work very hard to build up my trust over the years.

DP mentioned the other day that he'd had a FB message from one of my workmates asking him and DS out on her day off. He wanted to be sure I was OK with it. I explained that I was a bit uncomfy because I know she's already been behind her long term (several years) boyfriend's back with someone else and she has a bit of a reputation as a maneater. And she's one of these men's women, IYKWIM - moody with girls, turns into a charming flirt the instant a bloke enters the room. I told him I wasn't telling him not to go and it was up to him - but he said he wouldn't.

That was the end of it but it then came to me that it was weird that she was messaging him on FB. He said he'd messaged her once in a friendly way and they'd been chatting a bit since then. If I was in her shoes I'd have asked me to let DP know if he fancied doing something. DP didn't think most people would see it that way.

Anyway, cut to the chase - I looked on his FB (I know!) and he started the conversation by messaging her about how lovely she looked one day! Totally inappropriate, undermining and - well, it's maybe none of that but I don't like the secrecy of it being something I was unaware of.

So what do I do? Come clean or try to feign ignorance and hope nothing comes of it? I feel like a cow for snooping but then it's mixed with anger that this reputedly platonic chatting has had flirtatious undertones. Another problem is that he will stand by it if confronted and insist that it's perfectly acceptable to secretly/privately and compliment another woman on her appearance - "like an angel" I think it went . Is that acceptable? because he'll say there's nothing wrong.

We've worked so hard on this trust thing

OP posts:
DrillBit · 22/02/2009 08:27

Worked hard onthe trust bit,yet your checking his FB account.

Any communication on Social Networks between men and women will have an element of fliting at some point, so on that score I would'nt be too worried on that point

However I'd be more concerned that on this OW day off she wants to spend it with your DP
and you having no knowledge of it.

I hope you let her know that you know.

Maybe just a small comment to her
Sorry DP could'nt make it on Weds etc.

stuffitllama · 22/02/2009 08:29

I think it's a bit odd to send a compliment on fb like that. I really do. But I think it's exceptionally odd of her to ask him out with your son. That is just extraordinary.

Beyond that, I don't know. I would go with them.

stuffitllama · 22/02/2009 08:29

I don't think flirting on fb is really right. I'm sure it does go on but it's a bit weird.

choosyfloosy · 22/02/2009 08:42

I went out with a friend's husband and their children the other day. It was a great morning, and on principle I try to include dads looking after their children in stuff as I would mums, but I did feel distinctly odd doing it, dressed rather carefully (ancient jeans, depressed old waterproof, didn't wash my hair) and contacted his wife within 24 hours after getting back to be sure she was still OK about it. Perhaps over the top, but the brutal truth is that trust is a precious thing and easily damaged.

OK in your shoes I would flee temptation - I would shut down my own facebook account. I would then sit down with your husband one evening in peace and quiet and tell him why - that you are sorry for what you did, but what you found has upset you, you have removed yourself from being tempted to do it again. But that whenever he meets this woman, you would like to be there too.

Easy to say this - I don't really use facebook, but every time I decide to leave this site I have terrible withdrawal symptoms!

Original poster
OhBollocks · 22/02/2009 08:44

I can't go with them, I have to work!

I know that what I did was wrong but I had a gut feeling there was more to it than a passing "hello" and it seems I was right. Gut feeling is my only excuse.

I'd be worried about looking like a crazy control freak if I said anything to her. Plus, it would make thing even more secretive. That's a crazy thought, actually.

I feel all the old paranoid feelings coming back, I hate it

OP posts:
poshsinglemum · 22/02/2009 08:45

I wouldn't like this at all.Not least because she sounds like a tart.

Original poster
OhBollocks · 22/02/2009 08:47

Did I mention that DP has made it clear in the past that he fancies her? It just came to me that this is probably relevant.

OP posts:
choosyfloosy · 22/02/2009 08:47

No, you have to work, so they can only meet up at the weekend or, better still, not at all. He'll have to do something else on his day off (which, to be fair, he has said he will do).

Supercherry · 22/02/2009 09:02

Sounds really bloody dodgy if you ask me. I would have to come clean and confront him. There are already trust issues, he has admitted he fancies her, he has flirted with her on FB, and they want to meet up without you? WTF!??

Dior · 22/02/2009 09:11

I think you have the ingredients for an affair there. Sorry

cupofteaplease · 22/02/2009 09:15

On one level I wouldn't be comfortable with this- that he complimented her via FB. Seems a little 'friendly'.

That said, my friend's dh emails me on occassion, just as friends, but I don't show them to my dh and I'm sure if he asked to see them he MIGHT think they were 'friendly' too. (They aren't flirtatious in any way, but you can read something into nothing if you want to...)

Also, my dh is home with the girls more than I am, and I beg him to make more effort to meet up with other mums as I think it would be good for the dc to mix more. So that would be the exact same situation as your dh has found himself in- only I'm the one encouraging him to spad the day with other women

unavailable · 22/02/2009 09:29

Sorry but your partner sounds like a real player. You may have worked hard on the trust issues, but it doesnt seem as if he has (unless it was to lull you into a false snse of security.)

stuffitllama · 22/02/2009 09:31

I have had a think and changed my mind a bit. I don't think it is that extraordinary that your dh would be asked to do something with children in the way that another Mum would be.

But in this situation there is definitely something not right. I would say it straight out to your dh. Even joke about it. Tell him what a maneater she has a reputation of being. Take the mystery and secrecy out of it for them.

Original poster
OhBollocks · 22/02/2009 09:36

I have explained to him that she is the reason I am uncomfortable with it, not him. It's just that since looking at his FB I have reason to be uncomfortable on both counts.

OP posts:
Hassled · 22/02/2009 09:40

No wonder you have trust issues with him. It wouldn't ever cross my mind to instigate a FB chat by telling a colleague of my DH's that he looked lovely one day. It's just wrong and inappropriate and dodgy. No sane reasonable person would find it acceptable behaviour.

As to what you do - I don't know. He's probably a bit bored and maybe lonely and this is a pathetic flirt which he's going through to boost his self-esteem, without any thoughts of pursuing it. It will probably fizzle out without your DH thinking a lot of it.

If you are a nicer person than me you'd be able to ride it out and just wait for it to end. If you were me you'd have a full-scale strop and demand all contact ceases forthwith. He's really not helping the trust issues though, and he must know that.

Hassled · 22/02/2009 09:45

And the fact you looked at his FB is irrelevant in the grand scheme of things - if we're comparing things you've both done wrong, he's way way in the lead. Don't let him use that against you.

Original poster
OhBollocks · 22/02/2009 09:57

I have to tell him I looked, I think, and risk him being even more secretive.

He genuinely will (have let himself) believe he's done/doing nothing wrong. But I feel like what I initially dismissed as her being overly forward has roots in him being inappropriate to start with. So my confidence in him has been shaken and now if I say nothing I will always be wondering what he's up to. Then again, if I do say something maybe I will always be wondering what he's having to hide.

I am probably overthinking this enormously but on the basis of what has gone before in my life I am finding it so hard to deal in face values without reading more into everything.

OP posts:
2rebecca · 22/02/2009 10:17

Is facebook a private thing? Husband and I have facebook accounts, rarely used because we just started them to play scrabulous with distant relatives and now the game has been killed. We occasionally go on it to see what relatives including his kids are up to. I thought everyone who is a friend can see your comments on facebook when you click on the comments section though? Hardly a private thing.
If I'm on facebook I'll usually click on my husband's picture to see if he's been on recently and read any comments. Isn't that the point of being someone's friend on facebook?
If I dicovered my husband had received strange messages from a woman I'd then click on her to see what he said to her. Telling someone of the opposite sex they look good if married is inappropriate.
We also know each others passwords and can access each others accounts for things.
I think insisting on privacy on the computer is very dodgy in a relationship. I wouldn't check my bloke's phone but do see the computer as a shared toy.

tiggerlovestobounce · 22/02/2009 10:25

OhBollocks - I dont think that you are unreasonable to be uncomfortable about this. It sounds like you have reason to be concerned about both your DH and the workmate.

2rebecca - in addition to writing on someones wall in facebook you can send messages, like email, that arent visible to other people.

Original poster
OhBollocks · 22/02/2009 10:28

What tigger said - it's basically an integral email account. There are no wall posts between them at all.

OP posts:
GypsyMoth · 22/02/2009 10:30

I'd be more worried if it's now maybe moved on a stage to testing and phone calls. Do you think it has?

GypsyMoth · 22/02/2009 10:31

Sorry,texting!

DollyMessiter · 22/02/2009 10:40

I don't have a problem with my DH having female friends, nor do I have a problem trusting him.

I would do if he had been married when I met him though.

Snooping around to try and catch him out is a slippery slope, and bound to lead to unhappiness.

You've done it now though, and it does appear that your DP is over-stepping the boundaries of appropriate behaviour with this woman.

Now you've checked up on him, and found this worrying info, I think you have to confront him.

Make it clear that you find his behaviour worrying, and that he needs to make it clear to this woman that he is devoted to you, and that they can only ever be friends.

None of this is her fault - he is the one who needs to moderate his behaviour, imo.

Her reputation is irrelevant - if your DP is getting involved with her, it is down to him.

nkf · 22/02/2009 10:49

Well, your husband isn't the type of man to be trusted is he? Given his history. I'd advise snooping a bit more.

SammyK · 22/02/2009 10:56

I wouldn't say you have seen his facebook messages actually, as he has been deceptive as to how they began to chat (with him complementing her). I would reiterate you are unhappy with him contacting her, and provide details of SAHD activities he can go to with your dc.

If she is your colleague why isn't she wanting to socialise with you, why him? Very odd. I would keep an eye on this
.