Facebook woes (again, sorry!) - is he BU?

[OhBollocks]

Namechanged as am known on here in RL. But regular I promise.

I work and DP is a SAHD. He's a brilliant, brilliant dad, and he's my best friend, and I love him with all of my heart. But we met in bad circumstances (he was married) and he has had to work very hard to build up my trust over the years.

DP mentioned the other day that he'd had a FB message from one of my workmates asking him and DS out on her day off. He wanted to be sure I was OK with it. I explained that I was a bit uncomfy because I know she's already been behind her long term (several years) boyfriend's back with someone else and she has a bit of a reputation as a maneater. And she's one of these men's women, IYKWIM - moody with girls, turns into a charming flirt the instant a bloke enters the room. I told him I wasn't telling him not to go and it was up to him - but he said he wouldn't.

That was the end of it but it then came to me that it was weird that she was messaging him on FB. He said he'd messaged her once in a friendly way and they'd been chatting a bit since then. If I was in her shoes I'd have asked me to let DP know if he fancied doing something. DP didn't think most people would see it that way.

Anyway, cut to the chase - I looked on his FB (I know!) and he started the conversation by messaging her about how lovely she looked one day! Totally inappropriate, undermining and - well, it's maybe none of that but I don't like the secrecy of it being something I was unaware of.

So what do I do? Come clean or try to feign ignorance and hope nothing comes of it? I feel like a cow for snooping but then it's mixed with anger that this reputedly platonic chatting has had flirtatious undertones. Another problem is that he will stand by it if confronted and insist that it's perfectly acceptable to secretly/privately and compliment another woman on her appearance - "like an angel" I think it went . Is that acceptable? because he'll say there's nothing wrong.

We've worked so hard on this trust thing

Wow sounds very dodgy to me - I spend a fair amount of time on FB and chat on there too - it is where I geot back in contact with my NM (an old friend) and our messages were definitely flirty - I do however message/chat with other make friends (married) and our messages are NOT flirty - they are chatty/work related/catching up - but nothing I would be worried about their wives or my NM seeing - there is a HUGE differece IMO - an old boyfriend on there WAS sending me flirty messages and I stopped contacting him because I KNEW NM wouldnt like it (as I wouldnt if he did it to me) - we are all adults we all choose how to behave - IMO and from the info given this crosses the line

Given you started out in this relationship as the other woman surely you must have suspected it would only be a matter of time?

If the friend knows that your dp has cheated on his wife before then she presumably knew that he was easy game.

I'm sorry to say this, but when you have played a part in the break-up of someone's marriage and you go on to have a relationship with that person, then that is a risk you need to consider. Someone who will cheat on his wife, will almost certainly cheat on you.

And some might even say it was karma.

I don't think it's true to say "Any communication on Social Networks between men and women will have an element of fliting at some point" not when they are just your friends. But in this case sounds to me like he was being inappropriate.

yes beanie that was my point exactly - I have managed to have perfectly innocent conversations, as well as "innocent" flirty ones and then flirty ones which led to something more
But it was entirely up to me which ones were which

essentially you feel insecure as DH has track record of other women inc you.now you are wondering oh what if....

demonising this woman as flirty,up for it etc really diverts from your dh.that is what is really bugging you - him his potential behaviour all the what if's

so you had a wee snoop,didn't like what you found.tbh,don't see how you can completely redeem this,as your dh will take moral high ground."how very dare you snoop behind my back and assume the "what lil ole me" stance

you could either
a don't reveal you looked at FB.maintain calm serene stance see what happens,if they meet up etc
b cards on the table acknowledge he made you feel insecure,and as result you feel upset

they are adults,and responsible for their own actions.irrespective of whether you ask him to not to see her.

the "trust thing" - only you know how you feel and intuitively what he makes you feel and whether or not you feel there is any basis to feel suspicious

If one of my DH's friends sent me an email out of the blue saying I had looked like an angel one day I'd know what he was after!
Your DH doesn't sound trustworthy to me, unfortunately.

OP.

I think this is very worrying.

The whole point of his saying that she messaged him on fb and asking if he could hang out with her was done to manipulate you and throw you off the scent iyswim.

He gave you details (lies) about the FB messaging thing assuming that if you "knew" the situation then you wouldn't check.

You need to come clean with him and have a chat. If he starts with the "how dare you look at my account" remind him that you are trying to avoid any needless suffering for yourself and your ds.

Ask him if maybe his time wouldn't be better spent focusing on you and ds rather then taking the time to message a tart and tell her she looked like an angel.

If he cares about you and your dc he will focus on you rather than socializing with her.

The thing is, until now I have trusted him. I won't go into the circumstances in which we met but I didn't "break up his marriage". I won't deny that his involvement with me complicated/accelerated things. There is no getting away from his history as a serial flirt and someone who was unfaithful to his wife before he met me. I had to deal with this, as did he, before we could really make anything of our relationship. I thought we were doing quite well.

But then I smelled a rat re this FB thing, pretty much for the first time since we've been together properly. And it worried me enough that I looked into it for myself. Otherwise what was I to do - ask him to show me the messages? Would he have done that?
I am so, so hurt by this. I am having to remind myself that when trust is broached it is not my fault for being trusting. It took me a long time ti learn that lesson. It feels like it's coming undone.

It feels like all the trust I have built in him is unravelling because my instinct is that he's let me down and it might go further. And we have a child to consider. I feel almost like he's already cheated on me, which is daft, but the fact that he could make a fool of me by being so overt with her is so upsetting.

I know him though - and I know how good he is at telling himself he's doing nothing wrong. For example, he'll tell me that it's me who's being unreasonable to be upset by something innocent. But to me, if I am the one who is hurt by it then it is significant. To him, that will be because I am different. When I write it down it does seem a bit like he fucks with my head.

You've worked hard on the trust thing. He hasn't. That's the problem. He can't be trusted. He's proved that. And you have to forget about trying to trust him. That will really mess with your head.

Well he is not going to admit that flirting with a tart is fun for him and that men often like to do the grass is always greener thing.

So he will say it is your fault "You dont trust/understand me" "You don't pay me any attention, blah blah blah".

Don't let him mind bully/ mind fuck you. If he cannot control himself that is totally his fault and his problem.

Don't let him say that "it's nothing, you are oversensitive/paranoid etc". I would be unbelievably hurt and humiliated if my dh messaged my colleague on fb and said what he said. Most people would be upset by that.

No way would I ever message any of my dh's colleagues with compliments and stuff. Not ever.

In my opinion, he is out of order and I would be very upset if this was my DH.

As he has told you that this message came via FB, you could tell him that you are feeling a bit uncomfortable (as he knows) and ask him to show you the message so you can see exactly how it's worded. If he does, you can 'find' the others while you're there. Need to make sure he hasn't got a chance to delete them before he shows you though.

If he doesn't show you, then you can ask him why he's being secretive and start a conversation. If he's prepared to lie to you about what's gone on, that proves he knows he's crossed the line - not that you're being unreasonable.

TBH if he really believes that it's OK to email your colleague to tell her she looks like an angel, then you have different values and that's a problem.

Out of interest, how did you get into his FB to see the emails?

He only uses a few passwords and I just had a guess

He knows I trust him and wouldn't look, which is why I feel like such a bitch for looking. But then he's been taking advantage of my trust by flirting outrageously with another woman. So I'm already a bit mindfucked tbh.

I dont think that you are a bitch for looking. Your concerns were obviously well placed.

OK, slightly different perspective.

He may just be flirting - but if he's going to meet up with this woman with your ds (how old is your ds by the way - baby in a pram age or older toddler/child?) then it's surely going to be just a play date out? It's not a secret evening out just him and her.

He may enjoy flirting (and I speak as a born flirt) - you said he'd been a player - but you can flirt away with someone and still be (and want to be) faithful. But he'll know you'll get jumpy about it so he flexed the truth?

Facebook can be a flirt tool, definitely, but I reckon you can tell someone they looked good/attractive/handsome without a "I want to shag you" undertone to it? I can think of a few people immediately I would say that to on Facebook but not then be thinking of sleeping with them!

I'm just saying don't jump to awful conclusions - and if you can't confess to your dp about looking on his Facebook (and I wouldn't), then keep being honest about your feelings when/if he goes out with her for the day - you'll want to know all about it and does she want to come round at a weekend during the day next time so you can all do something together, etc.

He's sorting DS out now. He knows something's up because I am crap at being fine when I'm not. So I suspect we will have some sort of tete-a-tete shortly. I don't know what to say. The thing is, I could have called her and asked her what was going on and found out what he had said, so he's really trusting her to be discreet. Which is like a shared secret that excludes me. It's fucking horrible. Also horrible knowing he's going to lose it with me for looking at his FB, which, wrong as it was, isn't the issue at the moment.

I should also thank you all for your thoughts. They are helping me think a little more clearly about it.

You could say........

whatsername seems a little smug with me when we chatted yesterday. I know she's a maneater, but honestely, she must think you're 'in the bag'. Be very careful what you say to her honey. Don't flirt with her or she'll think she can toy with you, to while away a rainy tuesday. Ha ha!"

All innocence of course. He can't argue with you that you detected smugness from her. You're not quoting her. So what can she ever say.

ok I'm going to be brutally honest here.

The fact that he cheated on his wife before you two got together speaks volumes.

While on the whole cheating is of course wrong, I do totally accept that sometimes, people who are already in relationships do fall in love with other people, and those relationships then end as a result. However, someone who has cheated on their partner more than once is clearly just a serial adulterer and is likely to cheat on whichever partner he is with.

He has proven himself to be an acomplished lier even before the two of you got together, given that he has cheated on his wife not once but more than that.

I do think that anyone who knowingly forms a relationship with a serial cheat is a little naive if they think that it won't happen to them. But given you are now already in the situation, all you can do is deal with it now that you're there.

I think that if he hasn't already cheated on you in the past, it's only a matter of time before it happens in the future.

Only you know how to deal with that really, but if there is no trust, then tbh for me there would be no relationship. I simply couldn't be with someone wondering when he was going to do to me what he'd done to his wife countless times.

PS, don't confess to looking on fb!!! That'll blow up into a massive row and he'll come out of it feeling the injured party and he'll feel entitled to a credit in the leeway bank.

Just say 'women's intuition'. YOU know she's attracted to him, you know she's planning to enjoy his company, you know that she isn't taking your feelings into consideration, and that you KNOW he doesn't see her with a clear head, and say that you KNOW he thinks she's pretty.

Ask him to hand on heart deny that there is an attraction between the two of them. Just say that you KNOW he hasn't cheated or even flirted with her (ahem) but that it would be crazy to put himself in the path of temptation!!!!

facebook in fifty years

sorry couldn't detach it from the other forum iyswim.

Thanks for making me smile

Just say in passing "You know, you'd have to be fucking stupid to even risk losing what you have now by accepting the advances of man eating tarts."

His reaction will say a lot. Knowing who you're talking about will say even more.

Don't tell him you know his FB password. In fact, don't tell him you've been on it at all. He'll only become even more secretive. I'm not saying it's okay to snoop, but with a history like his, and it seemingly beginning to repeat itself, having access to his FB could be very useful in weeks/months to come.

I hope everything turned out all right!!