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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Mum owes me money that I desperately need but she won't give it to me!!

73 replies

Dragonfly74 · 20/02/2009 21:03

10 yrs ago my lovely grandma passed away, in her will she had left me and my sibs £1000 each, All of my sibs have had their money and I have had £750 of mine.

Mum gave my sibs all of their money in a lump sum where as mine I have practically had to beg for when I've needed it. I have always been sensible with money and have only asked for it if i've needed something expensive in home ie' washing machine/ tumble dryer.

Anyway me and DH have been looking for property to rent, we have managed to save a little over £2000 which will pay the bond and the first months rent but we will need to buy a fridge, freezer and oven. I've asked mum tonight if I could have the money that she owes me and she said "I'll have to see what I can sort out, things are a bit tight at the minute" (she always says this).
and I know its not true.

Firstly if the money was left in trust for me then it should still be there regardless of what financial position my mum is in that money was left for me!!

She went on a £2000 hol at christmas and my brother told me only a week ago that she paid off his £600 over draught. Why is she being like this with me? I feel so hurt and angry. Why does she make me feel like I need to beg for something that's mine?

OP posts:

Earlybird · 21/02/2009 20:35

Based on your post, it seems you have requested the money from your Mum and explained what you intend to use it for.

You complain she treats you like a child, but by explaining what you need the money for, it is almost as if you are asking for a loan and/or a favour from her. As an adult, you do not need to justify why you need what is legally yours. But I'm sure you know that.....

Once she pays you the money, I'd keep her at arm's length.

expatinscotland · 21/02/2009 20:38

If I'd won the Lotto tonight I'd buy you the white goods on the condition you told your mother to stick the money where the sun don't shine.

expatinscotland · 21/02/2009 20:39

I'd get a loan, buy the stuff on Argos 2 year interest free or from Kays and I'd keep your mum at arms' length from now on.

She sounds toxic.

dollius · 21/02/2009 21:37

She doesn't want to give you the money because then she will have no hold over you - that's her thinking, anyway.

Truth is that she has stolen your money.

Don't tell her what you want to spend it on. It's none of her business. Tell her to give it to you now or you will get legal advice and seek interest on it as well.

Then change your relationship with her completely. You should get the £250 for the "holiday" with her, in my opinion, too.

Original poster

Dragonfly74 · 21/02/2009 21:58

After speaking with my brother tonight he has told me that rather than the money being left in a will it was given to mum by our grandma before she died on the understanding that it was given to us when we needed it.

So it seems that even legally I wouldn't have a leg to stand on.

She has never agreed with any big decisions that i've made, ie never liked any of my partners including DH, she just always seems to have an opinion on everything. DH can always tell when i've been on the phone to her because my happy mood will instantly disappear.

I feel now that she is trying to drive a wedge between me and DH, I will never let that happen, he has supported me more in 4 years than mum has in a lifetime.

OP posts:

Original poster

Dragonfly74 · 21/02/2009 22:01

expatinscotland I think I will do as you said and buy the things we need out of my littlewoods catalogue. Unless you win the lotto of course

OP posts:

expatinscotland · 21/02/2009 22:13

We didn't win.

Not even one number!

roseability · 21/02/2009 22:28

Dragonfly - you say you are 35 and your mother still treats you like a child. This is toxic and manipulative. My mother did a similar thing. Said she had saved up £500 for me and my cousins. They got a lump sum at 18, I never saw it. When I asked about it I was told it went towards some travelling I did when I was 19. However I had borrowed that money and paid it back by working in a nursing home. All part of a bigger picture of manipulation, control and abuse.

Your issue is even more serious, as it is a legal will. I am shocked and angry for you

choosyfloosy · 21/02/2009 22:42

Yup, there you go - the only thing worse than a will is no will at all.

Really sorry to hear this. Get some appliances off freecycle/local paper and free your mind from this.

choosyfloosy · 21/02/2009 22:44

By the way if you are within reach of Oxford you can have our oven, it's going out within the month. i'm sure you can do better though.

roseability · 21/02/2009 22:44

I have only just discovered freecycle, wish i had known about it earlier

roseability · 21/02/2009 22:45

Dragonfly - have you tried the stately homes thread?

Original poster

Dragonfly74 · 21/02/2009 22:51

Thanks for the offer choosyfloosy but i'm nowhere near oxford.

I'm sure we will sort something out, Me and DH are trying to sell loads of stuff on ebay. Who knows we might get lucky and make enough money to buy our appliances.

Even if we don't we have a microwave and a slow cooker so we can manage for a week or so, And we won't need a freezer straight away i'll just buy my meat fresh on the day I want it.

I won't let her beat me, she will just end up a very sad lonely old lady.

I swear I will never treat my DC's like this.

OP posts:

roseability · 21/02/2009 22:54

I hope you get sorted dragonfly

Original poster

Dragonfly74 · 21/02/2009 22:55

Roseability Is freecycle good? I tried to have a look at it once but couldn't really work out how to use it, I'll maybe try again.

Yes i've had a look at the stately homes thread but everyone elses problems seem to make mine look petty.

OP posts:

CarGirl · 21/02/2009 22:58

Dragonfly74 but the emotionaly effort into have a great relationship with your sibs and distance your Mum as much as possible she will never be happy for you or with you.

big hugs! If you can get some counselling from your GP to talk through it all that would probably really help you to view her for what she is/wants and come to terms with it. You can still have a relationship with her but it needs to be on your terms.

Happy ebaying! Check out Freecycle, offer one thing then you can start requesting.

roseability · 21/02/2009 23:03

I know I felt a bit like that. And I do accept that some people's parents are far more abusive than mine and I do not wish to disrespect that. But I find posting my issues sometimes is helpful, even if people do not reply specifically to my thread. It is so hard isn't it? A constant source of stress, worry and hurt.

Your issues are not petty

My DH uses freecycle now and says it is great, I am not entirely sure how to go about it.

Original poster

Dragonfly74 · 21/02/2009 23:04

Thanks cargirl I've just started counselling, it has really opened my eyes. The counsellor has told me obviously I can't change the way my mum behaves so I have got to change the way I react to her.

Maybe in a few months i'll even be brave enough to tell her exactly what I think of her without the fear of the emotional blackmail

OP posts:

CarGirl · 21/02/2009 23:06

you don't have to bother with telling her what you think you just need to learn to change your reactions and behaviours towards her. Try and mentally label her as "unwell" (because she is damaged to behave the way she does" and treat her like an elderly slightly insane Aunt. Humour her whilst taking it all with a pinch of salt.

If you get in a row it may cause divisions between the sibs which will play into her hands.

Original poster

Dragonfly74 · 21/02/2009 23:08

Its so nice to be able to come on here and vent, No one in RL seems to understand how hard it is dealing with a difficult parent. I cut my dad out of my life almost 4 yrs ago and it looks like i'll be doing the same with mum.

It does make me but my relationship with her is unhealthy.

OP posts:

CarGirl · 21/02/2009 23:14

if you can view it as spending time with someone your dc's love/like and you can be civil too, that's enough isn't it really. Just build an invisible brick wall and let it bounce off you?

Come vent away when you need to.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 22/02/2009 09:09

Dragonfly74,

"Yes i've had a look at the stately homes thread but everyone elses problems seem to make mine look petty".

Your controlling mother issue would certainly not be seen as petty on that particular thread.

Original poster

Dragonfly74 · 22/02/2009 10:10

I think whats really laughable is the fact that for the last year she's been sounding off about how our 2 bedroom flat wasn't big enough for the 4 of us and that it would be lovely to see us in a house with a garden for our DC's.

DH has worked really hard for us to be able to save for such a house and now (as soon as its a reality) she's not interested.

She opened bank accounts for our DC's when they were born, I think i'll tell her to put the £250 into their accounts, Whatever problem she has with me surely she won't rip her grandchildren off

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