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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Mum owes me money that I desperately need but she won't give it to me!!

73 replies

Dragonfly74 · 20/02/2009 21:03

10 yrs ago my lovely grandma passed away, in her will she had left me and my sibs £1000 each, All of my sibs have had their money and I have had £750 of mine.

Mum gave my sibs all of their money in a lump sum where as mine I have practically had to beg for when I've needed it. I have always been sensible with money and have only asked for it if i've needed something expensive in home ie' washing machine/ tumble dryer.

Anyway me and DH have been looking for property to rent, we have managed to save a little over £2000 which will pay the bond and the first months rent but we will need to buy a fridge, freezer and oven. I've asked mum tonight if I could have the money that she owes me and she said "I'll have to see what I can sort out, things are a bit tight at the minute" (she always says this).
and I know its not true.

Firstly if the money was left in trust for me then it should still be there regardless of what financial position my mum is in that money was left for me!!

She went on a £2000 hol at christmas and my brother told me only a week ago that she paid off his £600 over draught. Why is she being like this with me? I feel so hurt and angry. Why does she make me feel like I need to beg for something that's mine?

OP posts:
bellavita · 20/02/2009 21:41

Sounds like she is jealous of you then.

I think you need to go down the route of getting a copy of the will and then you will be armed with the amunition that you need to get the rest of your money.

Original poster
Dragonfly74 · 20/02/2009 21:42

It makes DH angry, He doesn't really say much because we end up arguing about it. Even though mum pisses me off I always seem to jump to her defence. Like I said in a previous post she makes me feel like a child.

OP posts:
CarGirl · 20/02/2009 21:42

My ex-dh was like this she was only happy when the siblings (5 of them) had fallen out with each. It was horrendous, the relief when she died!!

I would make sure you make it known to your brothers that you've never had the full £1k.

do you have any sisters?

Original poster
Dragonfly74 · 20/02/2009 21:44

Yes I have a sister but she still lives at home and even though she has started many family rows mum thinks the sun shines out of her arse!

OP posts:
PerArduaAdNauseum · 20/02/2009 21:47

'your son's your son till he takes a wife, your daughter's your daughter for the rest of your life'. {boak]

CarGirl · 20/02/2009 21:47

You def have been lumbered with eldest child must look after your Mum and sister is "baby" who can do no wrong.

I'd get your £250 and distance yourself further from your Mum tbh.

All I can think is after you've moved phoning your Mum and laying it on thick that the kids haven't had a hot meal for 3 days as you've got no oven, if only you could have the £250 inheritance you are owed......

Original poster
Dragonfly74 · 20/02/2009 21:52

I feel like cutting her off tbh. I've had depression since the age of 17 and have only just started to do something about it, I've been getting counselling, the counselor *sp seems to think that all of my problems lie with mum. I'm am currently learning how to be assertive....Like thats going to help me when mums yelling at me for daring to question her or disagree with her.

OP posts:
CarGirl · 20/02/2009 22:03

you know your sanity & not being depressed is not worth £250. Why on earth do you go on holiday with someone who treats you like that?????

Try and change your behaviour and reaction to your Mum and stop letting her add to your depression.

would you brothers help you out with 2nd hand appliances, or try freecycle? Perhaps give your mum the £250 for her birthday, Christmas and make a big show out of it in front of family so they all know that you've "given" it to her then she will never have a hold over you again?

Sorry I've really distanced myself from my parents and I'm so much happier because of it and I'm a better Mum & Wife now.

Original poster
Dragonfly74 · 20/02/2009 22:33

Thanks cargirl I just feel so I always thought I had a good relationship with mum but now it all seems so one sided. I love my mum regardless of what she's done but It feels like she doesn't love me and that hurts!

OP posts:
CarGirl · 20/02/2009 22:38

I think she does love you but perhaps she needs to be in control as well?? Perhaps when you were born she felt that she gave up her life for you and now that you "owe" her?

Who know humans are very complicated but it doesn't sound as though she has a healthy attitude towards you but that doesn't mean that she doesn't love you. Perhaps she wants to "scrape" the money together at the last minute so you feel appreciative indebted, then you will be more agreeable to her next request. Perhaps you still haven't been forgiven for moving away - 30 miles!!!

PinkyMinxy · 20/02/2009 22:57

Dragonfly I just wanted to say that I'm in a similar situation to you, with your family.

You have my sympathy, and solidarity.

And I'm the youngest.

I hope you get the money you are owed.

Original poster
Dragonfly74 · 21/02/2009 13:19

I've spoken to mum this morning and she started talking about the money and how its tied up so she can't get her hands on it straight a way.
Never seems to be that difficult to get her hands on when she wants a holiday or one of my sibs needs money or one of her beloved cats needs to see the vet.

Anyway she said you will get your bond money from the old flat surely you can use that to buy fridge freezer and cooker.

surely thats beside the point...ITS MY BLOODY MONEY!! GGRRR

OP posts:
MadamDeathstare · 21/02/2009 13:25

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

catsmother · 21/02/2009 13:48

This is plainly ridiculous and with the lapse of 10 years since your grandma died this has nothing to do with your money being "tied up" (why wasn't your siblings' inheritance similarly "tied up" ?) Has she said when it'll be "untied" ?

As everyone else has suggested and as you yourself know, your mother is playing a nasty game here ..... perhaps she enjoys punishing you, or hearing you pleading for something which is rightly yours and which you genuinely need (though this really has nothing to do with it and if you wanted to spend the whole lot on chocolate that would be your prerogative).

It seems you have only 2 options, having tried for years to get her to do the right thing. You either write it off and act as if you don't care, thus negating the power she currently holds over you, or, you go down the legal route to force her hand (which could open a whole new can of worms as I expect she would then cause further division in the family by playing the "persecuted" victim). Remember, if she is an executor, she is failing in her legal duty.

I suppose the only other route is to find the other executor and try to persue it through them.

Original poster
Dragonfly74 · 21/02/2009 13:55

catsmother I am getting to the point where i'm just thinking right it off, but my DH is getting really annoyed by the whole situation, especially as his family are all to willing to put their hand in their pockets to help us out even though they don't have a lot of money themselves.

My mother is becoming an embarrassment!!

OP posts:
CarGirl · 21/02/2009 15:37

I think you need to discuss this with your dh and I think you need to show him this thread and explain to him that your Mum is playing games and that you want it over and that drawing a line under it will mean that your Mum can't use it against you anymore. Seriously I would make a big song & dance at mothers day, her birthdays or some other time with other people present of a large gift beautifully wrapped with a £250 fake "cheque" inside and give her the money that way.

Your mother is the last person to ask to borrow money from as she will always use it to control or bitch about you. Do it for your insanity and get your dh on side.

Original poster
Dragonfly74 · 21/02/2009 15:58

I've just said to dh "I feel like telling her to shove the money up her arse" he said "But we need it", which is true but now I have to decide.... Do I want an argument with dh for telling mum to keep her money, or an argument with mum for telling her that I want it.

I feel hiding away.

OP posts:
CarGirl · 21/02/2009 16:08

Does your DH really understand that she is using this money deliberately to have this affect on you?

I think I'd use the "your my dh I need & want your support on this or Mum is going to carry on like this with me"

BitOfFun · 21/02/2009 16:08

Can you let him read this? It might help him understand how toxic people think she is.

brettgirl2 · 21/02/2009 20:04

I'd just let her keep it tbh. £250 isn't worth getting in a state over and at least you have the pride of succeeding without handouts (ie having overdraft paid off).

Ask around - I'm sure people will come up with some second hand appliances if you find someone who for example has recently had a new kitchen fitted.

CoteDAzur · 21/02/2009 20:11

Were you a minor 10 years ago? That is the only reason I can think of why your mum would receive your inheritance. If the '74' in your nickname is your birth year, you wouldn't be. Why, then, did you not directly receive your £1000?

"Firstly if the money was left in trust for me"

I doubt very much that there would be a trust. That kind of financial structure is generally put in place for inheritance over £1,000,000.

edam · 21/02/2009 20:12

Your Mum sounds poisonous but are you sure your grandma wrote all the grandkids' names in her will? Could it be she actually left the money to your Mum, on the understanding it would be divided between your siblings?

Just asking because it makes a big difference legally.

At any rate, I doubt it would be worth the aggro of getting involved with solicitors for £250 - you'd end up spending more than that in fees.

So question is, can you get dh on your side? I mean supporting you in dealing with your Mum or letting it go, whichever you prefer, rather than arguing about what he thinks you should do, which just makes you feel nagged at by both sides.

edam · 21/02/2009 20:14

Should explain, the leaving it to the parent who then divides it between the adult siblings is what's always been done in my father's family. Risky, of course, given that even apparently normal people sometimes get really very strange indeed when someone dies and there's money around. Fortunately it has worked out so far...

Earlybird · 21/02/2009 20:18

Perhaps I've missed it - but what is your Mum's explanation for giving all sibs their money, but doling yours out in installments?

franke · 21/02/2009 20:24

Strictly speaking you should also be owed interest on your installments as you didn't get it all up front...yes, I know, fat chance.

Your mother sounds toxic - do a search as there are many helpful threads on here about toxic parents. Reading some of those threads may help you in your resolve to cut her off or at least create some real distance between you and also to convince your dh that it would be the best course of action.

Good luck, this is a horrible situation to be in - I feel sad and angry for you.