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Original poster

DP says he thinks I have put on too much weight and am not as attractive any more.

53 replies

GetOrfMoiLand · 18/02/2009 16:38

I am feeling very grim at the moment.

DP has been making comments about what I eat (say if I finish all my dinner etc) and saying 'greedy' and other helpful comments. Yesterday I asked him if he genuinely thinks I am fat or if he was just joking (oh lolol how funny). He says that I am more overweight than I was when we met and he doesn't find me as attractive as he used to.

As you can imagine I am completely deflated, i kind of knew he was thinking this but I am completely demoralised to disover he is this shallow. He could be 18 stone and covered in scales and I would still feel the same as i always have.

The silly thing is that I do not think I am fat. When he met me I was a size 8 (achieved from watching what I ate and a lot of exercise). yes, I have put on weight, I am now a size 10-12. Bearing in mind I am six foot I am not exactly obese.

Fair enough I have changed physically and exercise and fitness has taken a back seat, and perhaps I should remedy that, but I am pissed off with him and feel resentful. Don't really know what to say to him (other than loud swearing). Needless to say he is normally lovely and wonderfully supportive of me, and has always been confidence boosting, compliments etc. So is a bit shocking that he has said this, i don't know whether he is (a) a misogynist that should be ignored/told to eff off or (b) he has a point. Thoughts anyone??

OP posts:
Original poster
GetOrfMoiLand · 18/02/2009 17:01

Wish hadn't mentioned cream teas - really want one now.

God only knows what i weigh - being 6 foot I am not exactly light as a feather, but have never cared what I weigh, just go on clothes size.

I have always been a greedy git - have no issues with food whatsoever, it's just that what everyone has always said about metabolism slowing down in your thirties is actually bloody true. But I am certainly not fat, perhaps could tone up a bit (couldn't we all), but have never been obsessed about my body image and really, really don't want to start now!

OP posts:
dittany · 18/02/2009 17:01

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Idrankthechristmasspirits · 18/02/2009 17:03

So where exactly is he finding the time to go out and exercise with a mate a few times a week?
Perhaps if he helped you out more and let you have time to exercise a few times a week and get some me time??

He sounds iike he is being smug TBH. You know, kind of "hey look at me all fab and healthy, that makes me superiour to you doesn't it"
And do you know how i know he is being like that? Because i have been doing it to my partner and ii'm bloody ashamed of myself. I gave up smoking whilst he is struggling with weed and alchohol issues. I have been making silly comments about it and generally been a bit if a twunt.

It's one thing to genuinely want someone to experience the same enjoyment you get from a certain hobby or pastime, it's quite another to imply that someone is somehow lacking if they don't come up to your standards.

You don't sound fat, you sound wonderful.

Guadalupe · 18/02/2009 17:03

I think you should go to devon for a cream and then pop downwind for a pasty. Bloody hell, you are thin and even if you weren't, snidey comments about how much you've eaten is plain nasty and immature.

He could have said lets do some excersie together and get fit like we used to be, or something more sensitive.

Original poster
GetOrfMoiLand · 18/02/2009 17:04

He execsies is the garage (got fitness equipment in there) so he doesn't go out, so to speak. I can't be arsed to use gym equipment, have never got tha hang of running machines (always run on roads) and find gym workouts boring.

Lulu - I had a bit of a break from mn as work got a bit mad and my dd was ill (better now thank god) - is good to be back (missed AIBU!!)

OP posts:
Tiggiwinkle · 18/02/2009 17:05

I think it was a really hurtful thing for him to say, and totally uncalled for as well. Because, as everyone here has said, at 6' tall and size 10-12 there is no way on earth that you are overweight.

What on earth possessed him, if he is normally kind and helpful? I can't imagine anyone saying such a thing without realising how hurtful it would be!

Lulumama · 18/02/2009 17:06

glad your DD is better , welcome back

if you want to go running, and want to tone up for you, then do it

but make sure he knows he was out of order and how attracted he is to you should not be tied to your dress size.

AnyFucker · 18/02/2009 17:06

you say you would love him if he was 18st and covered in scales ?

ah-ha

would you love him if he turned into a controlling, snidy, emotionally-bullying prick?

I think not

morningpaper · 18/02/2009 17:10

Hmm I thought you were going to say you had put on 10 stone or something but you sound totally NORMAL SIZED. Is there more to it? Does he miss the old you, who was full of beans and motivated to be fit and healthy?

I have found that if I put on loads of weight but distract my partner by dressing the extra lard up in a pervy corset, then he doesn't notice. This is mildly more expensive than exercise but much less time-consuming.

Original poster
GetOrfMoiLand · 18/02/2009 17:12

Idrankthechristmasspirits - thanks for your post, about your giving up smoking and making comments about about your other half - is good to hear your point of view

Dittany - see. that's what my original reaction was. I veer from that to thinking to thinking he has got a point. Confusing.

OP posts:
Original poster
GetOrfMoiLand · 18/02/2009 17:15

lolol MP.

have found that if I put on loads of weight but distract my partner by dressing the extra lard up in a pervy corset, then he doesn't notice. This is mildly more expensive than exercise but much less time-consuming.

Good plan of action!

OP posts:
morningpaper · 18/02/2009 17:17

Hmm well you see, the thought "Hmmm MP's arse is looking a bit flabby" is instantly overwritten by the thought "CROTCHLESS PANTS". It erases the fat-observing neurons.

I should work for Relate

Original poster
GetOrfMoiLand · 18/02/2009 17:18

Thanks again everyone (MOST succesful thread I ever started on MN in over 2 years lol) - got to go now but will have a look at other posts when I get home (might go home via chip shop lol)

OP posts:
Original poster
GetOrfMoiLand · 18/02/2009 17:19

Yes crotchless pants + couple of brandies x dim lighting = husband thinking angelina jolie has just walked in the room (Einstein's equation for perfect sex life)

OP posts:
Original poster
GetOrfMoiLand · 18/02/2009 17:20

By morningpaper Wed 18-Feb-09 17:17:54

Hmm well you see, the thought "Hmmm MP's arse is looking a bit flabby" is instantly overwritten by the thought "CROTCHLESS PANTS". It erases the fat-observing neurons.

I should work for Relate

Quote of the week

OP posts:
Blondeshavemorefun · 18/02/2009 17:21

cheeky fucker - your dh that is!!

you are def not fat

and i advise you saying to him - till he starts being polite and loving to you, that he can go and fuck himself and he wont be fucking you!!

Jux · 18/02/2009 17:27

Your riposte is that he has become much shallower since you met and you've gone off him.

VeryAnnieMary · 18/02/2009 17:30

Only read OP and am very - how DARE he say "more overweight" about someone 6' who is a size 10-12.

I damn well hope he is an absolute perfect specimen in every way. Not that this would excuse him.

ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight · 18/02/2009 20:38

No he doesn't have a point. He is your patner he is never supposed to, or justified in, making you feel shit about yourself. He criticises you if you finish your food? Does he prefer his women with eating disorders or what?

He's being a shit. You are not overweight, so he's being unfair and unrealistic, and even if you were, he doesn't have the right to mock you about it. A loving partner broaches these issues in a loving way, if they are a problem for them. TBH in my mind a loving partner doesn't care if you get a bit fat, but I realise not everyone thinks like that. However, even if you had got fat (which you haven't) he was horrible.

Original poster
GetOrfMoiLand · 19/02/2009 10:27

Well, I didn't say anything to him last night, was still annoyed (yes, ignoring him, taking the mature and considered approach ).

Went out for a few drinks with his mum and told her - she was suitably outraged and said a few choice words about her son. All very satisfying.

I will have words with him tonight - I certainly don't feel angry any more, just quite adamant that i will not be made to feel bad about my body image, after being absolutely cool with how I look all through me teens and twenties, I am not going to start wringing my hands and thinking about diets in my thirties.

However, one good thing has come out in that I do actually want to start exercise, I have spoken to dd and we will start jogging or going for walsk together. DD is very sporty and loves all forms of exercise, she has been asking me to exercise with her for about a year and I have always put it off, too tired, got to so some work/hoover/cook etc. Empahtically, absolutely not in order to lose weight/get thinner, but just to feel better about myself.

Will show DP the thread I think so he knows that a large majortiy of the responses are the 'tell him to F off' variety!

Thanks very very much again for all the responses x

OP posts:
OrmIrian · 19/02/2009 10:56

getorf - I started running regularly about 2 yrs ago (after years of gym and exercise classes) and heven't looked back. I love the way it makes me feel, the new found energy I have and as a bonus weight stays down too. But you know all about running, don't need to convert you

macdoodle · 19/02/2009 11:21

thing the issue here is NOT whether you are actually fat or not - this was the most destructive thing my STBXH ever did (snide comments about what I was eating, my weight etc) and he did lots of destructive things - there are lots of ways of having this discussion if he is genuinely concerned about you but THAT is not the way !
FWIW NM doesnt seem to give a tit about my weight and the sex is FAB will have something to do about me not feeling self conscious and angry all the time !

macdoodle · 19/02/2009 11:22

oh and I actually am fat at 5ft2 nd a size 18 from a size 12.....

becstarlitsea · 19/02/2009 11:55

Very good idea to snitch to his Mum! Will she give him a bollocking? I would if he were mine! I'd be tempted to snitch to your friends & his friends so they all take the piss out of him for being such an idiot - might make him think twice about how normal his views are. Size 12 and 6ft is slim. And even if you were a size 20, it's never helpful to make comments about other people's weight or their eating. Nice that you'll be exercising with your DD. But for gawd's sake, don't stop eating, will you? Of course you won't, you sound very sensible about it all I just fret, as eating disorders are so pernicious. It doesn't take much to tip over, and your DH seems to have quite a peculiar image of what a woman should look like.

PinkTulips · 19/02/2009 12:06

i'm only 5'9 and size 10-12 and am considered thin so you must be positively svelte.... in fact, surely when you were size 8 you were technically underweight?

i'd make a point of rooting out some old pics of him from when ye first met and pointing out the changes he's gone through in the intervening years.... i doubt he's got the smae body shape he had back then and maybe it's about time he realised that people change as they grow older (and in your case give birth) and if you love somone you love them regardless of the packaging.

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