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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

AIBU? Would quite like to murder DH by cutting his bollocks off

71 replies

homicidalmatriach · 16/02/2009 19:47

Okay here's the story, several children, each one with a more horrible pregnancy than the last, lots of complications, caesarians, continuous vomiting during pregnancy.

I am not sure whether I want another baby after all that but DH decided 'enough is enough' and has refused to have sex with me for a year in case I get pregnant.

I suggested he had the snip and he refuses because I might die and he might want to make a baby with someone new .

He thinks this is perfectly reasonable. I've pointed out he'd have two kids still even if I did kick the proverbial bucket. Also unless it happens very soon he'll be too fecking old!

But he still refuses to even consider it. Now I am breastfeeding and over 35 so not a good candidate for the pill, GP says the coil won't be a good choice for me (very heavy periods already and apparently my cervix is in the wrong place ).

Is he just being a shit or am I missing something?

OP posts:

Kimi · 17/02/2009 09:59

YANBU.

Bluesapphire77 · 17/02/2009 10:09

Anyfucker: 13 months w/o sex i wouldnt be 'eyeing up' the local male totty, i'd be giving them numbered tickets and telling them to form an orderly queue

ABetaDad · 17/02/2009 10:12

I do not want to have more kids, my wife has never asked me to have the snip but then again I have never asked her to have her Fallopian tubes tied or go on the pill or have a coil. Condoms it is - seems such a shame to simply stop.

If she asked me I would. The only thing I would say is that I have heard it is not 100% certain to make the man sterile so would it be the absolute solution?

I have heard it is often reversible so it is not a completely one way step. Moreover, is it possible for your husband to have some of his sperm stored if he is really worried?

AnyFucker · 17/02/2009 11:01

pmsl bluesapphire77

just seen you post this morning, and it made me

ABetaDad, the snip is near enough 100% to say that it is so

certainly cannot be used as an excuse to dodge it for that reason alone

"ohhhh, no Mrs Beta, I cn't have the snip cos it might not work !!...."

< hits ABetaDad around head with saucepan >

frostyfingers · 17/02/2009 11:33

I know a couple of blokes who won't let their male dogs have their bits off, never mind their own bits...says it all really!

AnyFucker · 17/02/2009 11:35

yeah, frosty

its macho bullshit aint it

Original poster

homicidalmatriach · 17/02/2009 11:39

Not interested in shagging the locals, I live in the sticks. My locals tend to be inbred and/or bovine!

OP posts:

Bagebird · 17/02/2009 11:40

I think there is more to this than fear of conception. Over a year without sex and after all this time, he has used this as his reason, while refusing both the simple option (condom) or the long term option (snip). Hmmm. I would be sitting down and asking a few serious questions about the state of your relationship with him and try to get to the bottom of all this. It is not normal or healthy and if you do not deal with it soon, it could cost you both your marriage and your children?s family unit. Sorry to be so blunt but the alarm bells are ringing loud and clear here. Talk to him.

ABetaDad · 17/02/2009 12:36

AnyFucker - I wouldn't dodge the snip because I thought it might not work. I would just have it done if my wife wanted me to - just asking if it is 100% because I do not know. Does anyone know for sure?

[still bleeding from that saucepan attack]

Agree with others maybe there is a lot more going on here than just the 'snip' issue.

AnyFucker · 17/02/2009 12:42

lol ABetaDad

Nothing is 100% is it? However, without looking up the exaqct figure, I feel sure it is at least 99%. Sterilisation of the woman isn't either.

Condoms are actually waaaay down the list when it comes to a guarantee of not getting pregnat.

Tbh, the only sure guarantee is abstention, so in some ways the OP's bloke has a point.

But I agree, there is lots more going on here.

Bluesapphire77 · 17/02/2009 13:02

Maybe he knows if she sees it she's likely to cut it off...so in fear it's retracted into his body

cheesesarnie · 17/02/2009 13:04

when i read title i thought 'here we go another rant because a dh wont pick up after himself'. but bloody hell!book the appointment for him!!!

BennyAndSwoon · 17/02/2009 13:18

no sex for 13 months

I got pg with number 3 while I had a mirena coil (having previously got pg while on the pill and another time while using condoms). There was no question after that, I think he offered to go for the snip (much smaller op than female sterilisation)

abedelia · 17/02/2009 13:26

Why don't you let him know that the female op is quite a biggie and he may have to take care of the family for a few days while you recover - and (having read tales of sudden flooding etc on this thread also) for a few days at a certain time of the month, when you feel ill from it in general, etc etc and so on and so forth forever. Faced with that he should be down the local Marie Stopes asap imho.

oregonianabroad · 17/02/2009 13:39

Agree with others who have said there might be something else going on. Glad he's agreed to go with you to counseling.

Original poster

homicidalmatriach · 17/02/2009 17:25

I can't be sterilised apparently - for another six months at least - they insist on a 14 month gap between pregnancies and sterilisation - it is not v effective post partum you see.

Well I know he's not catting around - he has no bloody chance to - nor the energy (our DCs don't sleep much).

OP posts:

choosyfloosy · 17/02/2009 22:21

Surgical techniques change to try and improve them. My dh had the ends of his tubes cauterised to reduce the chances of the tubes rejoining - I would imagine this is now standard practice.

my feeling is, if a couple is using condoms regularly, they are not quite as bothered about the prospect of pregnancy as those who go for sterilisation.

I think it's worth getting the sexual refusal sorted out before sterilisation, or he might find another way of avoiding sex?

smellyeli · 17/02/2009 22:32

If he's worried about the anaesthetic, he could have it done using just hypnosis??

Seriously, sounds like he's not quite ready to admit that his caveman (me man me make babies) days are over.

Why are men soooo protective of their bits? DH is already encouraging DS(4) to overprotect his entire groin area - 'ooh, watch it, careful of your willy, steady on' etc. etc. whereas to me (whose fanjo is far from taken care of) it's just another set of genitals... Ho hum. Perhaps BetaDad can enlighten us?

ABetaDad · 17/02/2009 23:12

smellyeli

If you were a bloke - believe me, you would know why blokes protect their bits. I say the same things to my sons and every Dad does.

Frankly I would rather punch myself in the face very hard than take a slight accidental knock below the belt.

smellyeli · 18/02/2009 06:58

I know, I know, I was kind of joking

Perhaps we should encourage our girls to be just as protective - could solve a lot of problems....

Ineedmorechocolatenow · 18/02/2009 07:13

My parents nearly divorced over this. My mum and brother nearly died during her labour with him and she swore that she wasn't going to have another one (I think dad would have carried on and had a lot more). Despite problems post-partum, my grandad (her father) dying and three kids under 4, dad still refused. Mum was in hospital a week after her sterilisation, has suffered horrendous bleeding every month since (25 years and counting).

My best friend is going through the same thing at the moment. Her husband (who has two kids from a previous marriage also) and her have two little ones. He does not want any more kids, hates using condoms, and refuses the snip. She is left taking the pill, which doesn't agree with her.

DH says he'll go for one when we're ready to stop having kids. He says it's not a matter of him owing it to me after having to deal with pregnancy and labour every time (as he has no choice over me being the one lumbered with all that), but the fact that the operation for a woman is so much worse than for a man.

I think your husband is being selfish, as is my best friend's husband. As for not having sex with you, I agree with all the posts that say that there are other issues here apart from the no kids thing. Can he talk to someone that has had a vasectomy recently to ask them how it was?

I hope you can come to some resolution...

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