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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

can I just offload :(

30 replies

offerdilemma · 14/02/2009 23:08

me and xh have been split up for some months now. He left me for ow

He has constantly been saying he wants to come back and I let him at first, then, after about 4 goes in which he constantly went back to her, I had enough and said no more.

He has been saying for ages now that he regrets what he did, wants to be a family again, cant stand the sight of ow as she reminds him of what he did etc etc. They properly split up again 2 weeks ago (the sixth or seventh time? almost once per month!)

Since then we have been very amicable, and I even thought perhaps he means it this time.

But I am moving away (only 40 mins down the road) and we had a long chat in which I reiterated that he has to be away from her for a long period of time before I will consider rebuilding anything. unfortunately, I do still love him, and really want to be a fmaily again He is having counselling, and I really thought the 'old' h was coming back.

But I called him tonight to talk about access arrangements for tomorrow, and he is back with her. He says its because I am moving away, so there is no chance we will be a fmily again.

I KNOW this is an excuse, and a very poor one at that. And he is trying to blame me for what were HIS choices. But I guess that I am upset that AGAIN I was moving forward, only to find I was still hoping we would get back together.

So sad

again.

OP posts:
ThumbLoveWitch · 14/02/2009 23:22

sorry to hear this, v. for you, but you do know that he is being a complete prick here, don't you? Was he a controlling type when you were together as well? I only ask because a friend of mine had an ex who played this type of game with her as well - he left her for another woman but kept saying he really loved my friend and wanted to come back to her, but in the meantime wouldn't get away from the OW. No DC involved, thank goodness. She ended up refusing to have him back and he stayed with the OW.

Your ex is trying to make sure he has the best of both worlds here - he doesn't want to end up on his own so he is hedging his bets. Don't let him leave you hanging like this - tell him that you don't need some dithering fool like him, who can't make his own mind up over something so important.

Blaming you for his weakness is the worst kind of sheer wankiness - don't fall for it, please.
Put him in his place and tell him that you cant trust him, and you don't want him back in your life or your bed until you are sure that it is you and only you that he wants, and you won't even start to be sure of that until he has been away from OW for a minimum of 6m (or whatever time period you think appropriate).

HTH - don't let him treat you with this level of disrespect, it's pathetic what he's trying to do.

h20 · 14/02/2009 23:26

Oh dear. It must be horrible. But I guess you already know he is messing you around and it is just a question of whether you are prepared to hang about for when he next changes his mind (i.e. quite soon on past form by the sound of it!). What do you want to do?

Original poster
offerdilemma · 14/02/2009 23:27

Thanks TLW.
yes, he was controlling in our relationship. In a very 'the martyr' kind of way - things were very often MY fault iyswim.

But I thought I had let go, and I so havent I DO want him to sort himself out, to be the man I need him to be. I WANT us to be a family I want ds to have siblings I do still love him

I KNOW he is being a total cock. He is hedging his bets etc. But I really cant stand te thought of him staying with her, ds going round there etc etc

This is so hard. And it still hurts so much, even after all these months..

OP posts:
Original poster
offerdilemma · 14/02/2009 23:28

you know, I just wish she would stop taking him back! He has dumped her almost every month since they got together - the same as me really Except they dont have a long history together and a ds.
WHY is she still with him?
but having said that, I dont want him back just becuase she wont take him back

OP posts:
Owls · 14/02/2009 23:33

But he's made his choice hasn't he? Stop being there for him.

TLW and H2O are right. He's messing you around as he knows you are always waiting in the wings, picking up the pieces of his mess.

You need to think of yourself and your DS.

ThumbLoveWitch · 14/02/2009 23:33

aw, I know, and I am not surprised that you would prefer him to grow up and be a man, preferably the sort of man who realises that his family are more important than him - but it sounds dreadfully unlikely. I know it's possible, but it is rare.

Passive aggressive control freak, hey. Even if he does give up the other woman and comes back to you, he will always cast it up to you in an aggrieved manner, that he chose to come back to you and that you should be grateful (however much of a prick he is afterwards) and he could just as easily walk again. Do you want to live the rest of your life like that?

Of course you still love him - it is a habit that is hard to break, however much of a complete bastard wanker the bloke is (been there) - but it is a bit of a fairytale.

His inability to stay away from the OW, even while he is having counselling fgs, is giving you all the hints you need as to whether or not he is worth having back - unless you are prepared to share him or have him do this to you again in a few years, it's not a good plan. For the sake of your DS, you need some stability in your family life - I doubt you're going to keep it with this man.

unavailable · 14/02/2009 23:33

Thumblovewitch puts its better than I could, but I dont think there is any harm in reiterating...

He is a total hedge-betting, pathetic, manipulative coward. You know it.
Stand firm.

ThumbLoveWitch · 14/02/2009 23:35

one other thing to think about - how do you know he is the one doing the dumping? Perhaps it is her who dumps him and then relents - if you only have his word for it, I wouldn't trust him to tell you the truth at all.

CuddlyKelpie · 14/02/2009 23:36

So this man is flitting on a monthly basis between two women - he is one signature short of bigamy. Talk about having your cake and eating it.

So had he managed to stay away from her for another month, you would have taken him back and within a month he would have dumped you and moved back in with her as per the programme.

You need to put yourself and ds first and block him out altogether. Until you do that he will continue to mess both of you around.
How old is ds? This monthly upheaval must be impacting on him - even babies pick up on stress and upset.
You have to stop it for both your sakes.

Original poster
offerdilemma · 14/02/2009 23:37

My head knows all this

I just wish my heart did
How can I get it into my heart?

Its the loss of the fairytale family isnt it. Still. I feel so sad for ds having a separated family. I never wanted any of this.

God, I thought I was over this

OP posts:
Original poster
offerdilemma · 14/02/2009 23:38

I was so happy to be amicable with him. I thought it was so much better for ds.

but clearly, being amicable makes HIM think he can have his cake and eat it, and makes ME think he wants to come back.

I guess I have to keep my distance dont I? But surely this will also stress out ds. Surely it's better for him to see his parents getting on?

OP posts:
Owls · 14/02/2009 23:45

Amicable yes. Doormat no. So Daddy keeps flitting between you and OW with no boundaries? You meanwhile keep smiling and accepting him back when he feels like it?

Please stop now. No, it's not great to be divorced and single parenting. But a whole lot better than being the one trying to make things work when the other one doesn't want to.

ThumbLoveWitch · 14/02/2009 23:48

lovey, you can still be polite and civil, even amicable if you so wish. But since he is incapable of setting his own boundaries, you are going to have to do it for him.

And that means accepting that he is a kipper - 2 faced and no backbone - and that he is just going to keep trying to get away with having both. The sooner you take control of the situation by deciding that you are NOT going to let him come back whenever he feels like it, the better.

IME, that takes a minimum of 6m - for me, at 6m I was 50:50 whether I would take him back - by the end of 12m I knew I wouldn't take him back if he crawled back on his knees.

WundaWuman · 14/02/2009 23:49

This sounds awful, i really feel for you. Your DS will want to and need to see his dad so you really should try to separate out you relationship and their relationship but it it very hard i know, especially as it it all so soon. Can you go away for a while, stay at a friends, or family for a week or so? That way you will both be out of it all for a while?

Original poster
offerdilemma · 14/02/2009 23:52

thanks everyone for your replies. I feel a bit stronger now.
I know what I have to do, and that is STOP thinking we will sort things out, and ACCEPT it is truly over.
It has been 9 months already . But the last time we were trying to make it work (well, I was) was only 3 months ago, so I suppose I feel I should be further along the road to recovery than I am really.
I guess tbh I am 50:50 about whether I would actually take him back - certainly not without a lot of counselling and definitely living separately if we did. I think I just want him to WANT to come back so I CAN be 50:50 about it iyswim

OP posts:
Owls · 14/02/2009 23:55

Ok but if he wants to come back (which I'm sure he will when OW gives him grief) what will you do then?

I feel you really need to give him some boundaries. What access to DS have you agreed?

h20 · 14/02/2009 23:55

"My head knows all this

I just wish my heart did
How can I get it into my heart?"

I think your heart will get the message eventually. The head always gets it first in my experience - and the delay between the two can be quite long! This means that you may not yet be ready to set the boundaries until you get really sick of it.

Original poster
offerdilemma · 14/02/2009 23:58

owls - what do you mean by boundaries?

h20 'This means that you may not yet be ready to set the boundaries until you get really sick of it.' I'm afraid that might well be true

I seem to get really strong and then he hints he might want to come back, and I realise I still harbour hopes.

hmm, I get strong THEN he wants to come back. link perhaps?

he sees ds for a full day every weekend (no overnights yet - I so am not looking forward to those ) And he puts him to bed here 1 night in the week.

OP posts:
macdoodle · 15/02/2009 00:06

been there done that wait till you find someone else then it turns really nasty!
Make the break now trust me on this he will never be/never was the man you want!

Original poster
offerdilemma · 15/02/2009 00:07

oh shit macdoodle - how did it turn nasty?

OP posts:
Owls · 15/02/2009 00:09

Going back to the OP. You wanted to talk access for tomorrow, he is blaming you for moving away so he's back with OW.

By boundaries I meant sorting out the access arrangements properly and on a formal footing.

Sorry, if I got the wrong end of the stick but it sounded like it was very much an informal affair regarding access. Almost like you want to be "Mrs Amenable"?

Like I said before, he's made his choice. Start to look after yourself and your DS.

You know, I'm aware I am starting to sound really harsh here but it's not meant that way.

h20 · 15/02/2009 00:10

Yes it is hard ...
But he is behaving like a twat .

ThumbLoveWitch · 15/02/2009 00:13

if you last had him back 3m ago, then I would re-start the counter from then, if I were you. Every time you take him back it gives you hope that it's going to work so it's a fresh wound every time he fecks off again.

As h20 says - your heart will get the message sooner or later - and it will be such a relief when it does.

have some ((((hugs))) to help you through this - it's a horrible step to have to take, especially as your heart will be whining "but what if he really does love me and does decide he wants to come back and I've told him that it's over, then he'll blame me and it will be all my fault and I'll be alone forever..." - IGNORE IT! It's been psyched by your ex as well. HE is the one destroying things, not you. HE is the one who is going to lose out eventually, not you. HE should take the blame in its entirety for the situation and not say it's your fault. And if he does, ignore him too.

macdoodle · 15/02/2009 00:15

Was in your position 3 years ago determined to keep it all amicable let him fuck with my head for 3 years - when I finally decided enough was enough and met someone else - he turned more than nasty (see the latest glam and fab 1st post) - he will never change dont let him do it to you only you can draw that line !!

Original poster
offerdilemma · 15/02/2009 08:51

thanks everyone for supporting me last night. I dont know what happened, I think I was tired and all the bloody Valentines crap made me sad.

I was feeling guilty about moving away (without stbxh suggesting it) because I thought that that meant I was the one stopping our family from mending. But he has done that himslef, and his latest behaviour only confirms that.

What I need to do is remain amicable, realise what a waste of space he really is, accept I am NOT responsible for breaking ds's family up, and move on.

macd - I can totally see that happening to me. a few months ago, stbxh got wind of me dating this guy and, although he was LIVING with ow, got really aggressive with me, threatening to cut off my money etc. Not sure how I will deal with that one when it comes, but I sure wont tell him anything.

So, repeat to self: IT IS NOT ME WHO IS BREAKING UP OUR FAMILY BY MOVING AWAY. I have to do this BECAUSE Of his behaviour.

OP posts: