Am I selfish person to not want to spend every weekend with partners family?

[Selfishornot]

I moved to Australia two years ago, I live by myself and have an Australian boyfriend who is exceptionally close to his large family.

He has no friends of his own, so his family are his social circle. They are nice people, don't get me wrong, but it is starting to cause problems between us, because every weekend there is some kind of family function.

I feel claustraphobic with it all, as I always feel I have to be on my best behaviour around them, whereas if his social circle were normal friends then I would feel more relaxed, and less likely to be judged.

Today I was supposed to be attending his sisters 30th which was a big day affair however I had been invited to something else, which yesterday I found out was cancelled. However, I did not tell him this until tonight when he called me. I just wanted to spend a day/night by myself and did not want to suffer the repercussions of telling him the truth this morning.

I have a high pressured job, and sometimes at weekends need some 'me time'. He asked me on the phone tonight if I was going to his mothers house tomorrow in the afternoon for a BBQ and I said no, maybe we should just see each other on Tuesday night [which is one the nights we always see each other) he responded by saying 'oh right' and put the phone down on me without saying bye. He did not ask why my plans had been cancelled or anything. [incidentally the day had been cancelled due to the fires in Victoria, I was supposed to have been going on a walk, but due to arsonists etc we felt it was too risky]. I just know this will cause a rift between us, and don't know how to handle it.

He is not sociable with the friends I have, and this has meant I don't socialise with them at weekends because of it. He just sits there quiet and does not get involved in conversations.

All I wanted was to have a quiet weekend to myself, yet I now feel extremely anxious about his reaction, and also what his family are going to think about me.

My family on the other hand, although still living in the UK are very chilled out, and we would see each other sporadically, it was no big deal. So I am unused to the whole idea of spending so much time with someone elses family.

Am I being selfish in my reaction, particulary not telling him the truth this morning.

Sorry this is so long, I just had to let it out.

By the way, it is the evening here, so when he called me, and I told him my day had been cancelled, it was after his sisters function had happened. Hope this does not cause confusion!

YOu have every right to time for yourself, and you will just have to be polite but firm about it. People in big families sometimes do behave like this: as though family were all the social life they needed, and unfortunately partners are often expected just to fit in and shut up.
Mind you, the fact that he makes no effort with your friends, yet expects you to make an effort with his family all the time suggests that he thinks that he's the important one in the relationship and you are an appendage to him rather than a person.
You might want to think about whether this relationship is worth keeping or not. I wonder if you got together with him when you first arrived in Australia and were lonely - but now you have friends and don't need to be grateful for his company any more, you might be outgrowing him.

No,you aren't.

You are not being unreasonable or selfish, everyone is entitled to have some time to themselves.

It's a bit concerning that he he expects his interests/needs to come first - ie not socialising with your friends and expecting you to spend the time with him.

Also that you're worried about his reaction.

He has raised it as an issue before, I think one Sunday last year I did not want to go to his mothers, and he sat down and told me he felt I was in the wrong, and it disturbed him how he felt I did not want to go.

I on the other had enjoy spending a Sunday afternoon/evening by myself getting ready for the week ahead, cooking etc. So I was astonished by his reaction, he said it was going to cause a problem between us, so since then I have tried my best to accommodate him and what he wants.

But over the last couple of months, the family meetups have been every weekend, and this weekend I just needed some space. Yet I feel not attending the functions this weekend will cause another rift between us, something I am not very good at handling as he gets moody and makes me feel like I am not appreciative of his family inviting me to various gatherings.

I often wonder about whether I am with him for the right reasons, ie - is it loneliness? but when we are together alone, it is good, and he talks about wanting to move in together, having children etc. But there is sometimes this control thing that he has that steers its ugly head, and that is what I am scared off. I have had to take 3 valium tablets today to stop myself having a panic attack as I have not been able to stop worrying and enjoy the day as I knew he would react in this way.

Oh dear. Dump him now. You dont need him any more as you have made friends. If you are having to take valium because you are afraid of him, he's not a good partner, he's a bullying arsehole. He really does think of you as an accessory that he can parade in front of his family: I would imagine the whole family thinks of women as appendages to men, who need to be controlled, or he wouldnt be behaving like this.,
It's impossible to change a man who doesn;t think women are people - at least you don't live with him so it will not be too difficult to get rid.

I have to agree with solid, he does sound like a bully and I'm willing to bet he will escalate his behaviour.

It's very concerning that he gets moody when you don't do what he wants and you're frightened of his reaction. Those are some big warning signs, please take heed.

I'd also add that people like your DP often operate by making their partners question themselves, just like you are doing now.

oh dear, he sounds very controlling

the more you give in, the worse it will get and possibly extend to other areas of your r'ship

he seems a bit inadequate, it is not really normal for a grown man to be so close to his family to the exclusion of everything else

No you are not being very selfish.

No, you're not selfish. Very normal.

It does sound very intense and OTT. I don't think it will change if you want it to.

I think you need to think about whether you could live like this forever.

Have just read your other post on thread. You need out.

oh yes, get rid now. It will get far worse I think.

I agree with solidgold. I have met a LOT of people like this, I have to say...people who see their families as the only social life they need. One of my parents was a bit like this as they had been brought up to believe that 'blood was stronger than water' so socialised together all the time.

It is very very hard to have a full on relationship with someone like that unless you are either the same sort of person or willing to fall into their stepford like family situation.

oh dear I was afraid I would get this reaction from you. I do appreciate you taking the time to respond. There are other elements of the relationship that are not right, but I honestly believe he is a good person.

I think it makes him insecure perhaps I do not share the same enthusiasm with spending time with him and his family, they are his domain. But the fact he has no personal friends at the age of 39 is worrysome.

If we lived together I am afraid it would just revolve around his family and I would lose my independance, which is very important to me, having had a 15 year relationship previously and again accommodating the man. I swore I would not let this happen again, last time it was to support his career. But I see the same signs of what failed in that relationship repeating itself, in the fact I could lose myself and needs for another mans needs and requirements.

Absolutely.

The fact that you're in another relationship with a man who tries to control you needs sorting out.

Perhaps you do need time alone to figure out what you'd like from a relationship and your life. For you! Doesn't sound like you've had much chance to do that.

Take your time and don't be bullied. You are worth far too much for that.

I agree, very worrying that he has no friends of his own and won't interact with yours.

Does he work? Does he get on with people at work?
Maybe he has some sort of unidentified social behaviour disorder

If he is like this now, what would it be like if you got married - they would be your family too and you'd have no way out. In-laws are bad enough at the best of times

Yes, I think a bit soul searching needs to be done.

Also, he has never said he loves me in the two years we have been together, is this odd, or is just something that is overused and the actions should speak louder? It used to bother me intially, but now don't think about it, and don't expect to be told how he loves me or not as the case may be. I don't tell him either. Am not sure if this is an issue but thought I would raise it anyway.

He could have some kind of social disorder, as he is quiet, and he admitted he used to be worse and has come out of himself alot. One thing his sister did tell me one night was how he much he had changed since going out with me, so it must be positive for his family to see this. He does not socialise with people from work unlike me, but I don't think this is unusual.

He is an adult, it is not your job to rescue him. If you are not getting any rewards out of the relationship, don't stay in it. It's perfectly all right to be single - in fact, it's much better than being in a couple, particularly for women. But nothing is worse than being in a bad relationship with someone who thinks that he/she is your owner and can tell you what to do.

It would make me unhappy to be in a relationship like this. It would also ring warning bells about how he may behave if we were married or more closely tied than now.

Get rid

He won't socialise with your friends but he expects you to spend all your weekend time with his friends (ie his family)

it's not going to work.

he,s clingy and this is sign of controlling behaviour.... its not normal to be around someone on their terms, suposed to be what suits you both not just what suits BF. get rid!

Would ask what if anything you're getting out of this relationship now. Why have you stayed until now?. Its not your job to rescue and or save him from himself.

Too many red flags here for this to be at all sustainable.

You accommodated one man previously to your detriment now you seem to be slipping back into that previous pattern. You need to unlearn that.

Walk away from this relationship now; this is not at all healthy for you and it won't get any better. You'll end up feeling even more stifled. And his family are likely to be just as controlling as he is.

You may want to read "Why does he do that?" written by Lundy Bancroft.

My friend's ex H (note that word) had (and still has) many of the same behaviours as your man does; no friends whatsoever, no conversation, overtly reliant on family members. He was very controlling too - he would not even let her drive her own car!. He was diagnosed with OCD but again that is still no justification for how he behaved towards her.

If you've been together now for 2 years and he has not even said that he loves you then I would find that very odd. Why do you think you have not uttered those words to him either?. Its probably because at heart you don't love him either and have only hung in there out of your own feelings of previous loneliness and feeling sorry for him.

No, I suspect the fract that you are asking yourself this means you know the relationship is on the rocks. I'm not big on regular family gatherings. i love my family, but every few weeks (we live a long way apart) is just great, with weekly phonecalls and emails when we feel like it. Women can sometimes be reluctant to let go of the apron strings, but for a bloke to want to spend every weekend with mummy and daddy would be a relationship breaker as far as I'm concerned.

It sounds as though he isn't interested in building a seperate life with you, just incorporating you into his current life. I'd be discussing this with him and suggesting the relationship may have run its course if he's not happy to become a bit more independant from his family. It sounds as though he wants a "girl" who'll visit his parents weekly, have kids and let his mum tell her how to bring them up and be forever popping in. My nightmare inlaw scenario, although some people love all this family stuff. Time to decide what sort of relationship and future you want.

Thanks all for your responses. I slept really well last night after reading the posts leading up to my bedtime, and this was only possible through you putting things into perspective for me. Thanks again.

I do love him, I just don't tell him because
he does not tell me. I feel if I were to tell him he would then have to respond in a way that would a) be fake or b) make him feel uncomfortable. My last boyfriend told me he loved me all the time, in fact he said the moment he first saw me he knew he was going to marry me [obviously that was not the case in the end, but thats another story]. My present boyfriend does not convay his feelings towards me and this has taken a bit of getting used to. And now I feel as though I have become like him in the respect I do not tell him either. I am a very very open person, so this kind of behaviour is not natural.

I genuinely believe he is a good person, who has the right intentions, but I feel the family situation is what makes him who he is. It makes him feel secure, as though he has a role to play [he is the eldest of 4], and I know he enjoys the attention and feeling of being wanted by his family.

I on the other hand, am pretty happy to just cruise along in life, by myself or with someone. I am not lonely, I do not need a man to make me feel happy, I just want to live a simple life. In the future, if I want to see his family then I will see them, if I don't want to then I won't. If what 2rebecca has said - that he wants a 'girl' who'll visit his parents weekly etc and he cannot accept me as the way that I am now, then I will tell him it is not going to work, and maybe we should reconsider the relationship and moving in together.

Yesterday I was a nervous wreck, I honestly thought I had done something wrong, but now I feel really liberated, and know when I see him next we need to have a long talk.

Thanks everyone so much.