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Original poster

Am I selfish person to not want to spend every weekend with partners family?

51 replies

Selfishornot · 14/02/2009 10:31

I moved to Australia two years ago, I live by myself and have an Australian boyfriend who is exceptionally close to his large family.

He has no friends of his own, so his family are his social circle. They are nice people, don't get me wrong, but it is starting to cause problems between us, because every weekend there is some kind of family function.

I feel claustraphobic with it all, as I always feel I have to be on my best behaviour around them, whereas if his social circle were normal friends then I would feel more relaxed, and less likely to be judged.

Today I was supposed to be attending his sisters 30th which was a big day affair however I had been invited to something else, which yesterday I found out was cancelled. However, I did not tell him this until tonight when he called me. I just wanted to spend a day/night by myself and did not want to suffer the repercussions of telling him the truth this morning.

I have a high pressured job, and sometimes at weekends need some 'me time'. He asked me on the phone tonight if I was going to his mothers house tomorrow in the afternoon for a BBQ and I said no, maybe we should just see each other on Tuesday night [which is one the nights we always see each other) he responded by saying 'oh right' and put the phone down on me without saying bye. He did not ask why my plans had been cancelled or anything. [incidentally the day had been cancelled due to the fires in Victoria, I was supposed to have been going on a walk, but due to arsonists etc we felt it was too risky]. I just know this will cause a rift between us, and don't know how to handle it.

He is not sociable with the friends I have, and this has meant I don't socialise with them at weekends because of it. He just sits there quiet and does not get involved in conversations.

All I wanted was to have a quiet weekend to myself, yet I now feel extremely anxious about his reaction, and also what his family are going to think about me.

My family on the other hand, although still living in the UK are very chilled out, and we would see each other sporadically, it was no big deal. So I am unused to the whole idea of spending so much time with someone elses family.

Am I being selfish in my reaction, particulary not telling him the truth this morning.

Sorry this is so long, I just had to let it out.

OP posts:
CarGirl · 14/02/2009 21:38

Hope it goes well. I'm far more sociable than my dh so I go off and spend time with people whilst he stays at home (and babysits - result) it works for us because we accept that we are different with different needs. One of my friends is the same with her partner. I think it's perhaps quite a common situation.

lilac21 · 14/02/2009 22:07

My husband never says 'I love you' either...has told me about four times in 15 years. It has contributed to the death of our relationship and the end of our marriage. I'm used to saying it and I need to hear it. I didn't think it would matter to me, but when he didn't say it or show it, it did.

warthog · 14/02/2009 22:18

seems to me that he's living in an insular world and barely ventures out of it. that's why it's so important to him that you come into his world, rather than him come to yours.n he doesn't want you to have friends other than his family. it's not healthy for you, unless you're 100% comfortable with this, which it doesn't seem you are.

i can't see this changing. i think it's too ingrained.

yan-even-vaguely-bu.

ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight · 14/02/2009 23:51

You almost had a panic attack because you were afraid of his reaction. Either - you are an incredibly anxious person who reacts to normal stress in an abnormal way - or - your boyfriend has made you scared of him and his reactions through aggression OR passive aggression. I'm leaning towards the third option from what you have said. Either way, it's NOT normal to have panic attacks when you upset your partner, it's NOT normal to spend every weekend with your boyfriend's family, it IS normal to want time alone. Shocked that he's 39, I assumed he was early twenties from your description. Very immature.
This relationship doesn't have legs, sorry.

Sakura · 15/02/2009 05:42

OMG, you are so lucky that you are asking these questions before you have children with this guy, because once the kids come, the claustrophobia with these kinds of families gets much much worse. You get the guilt trips about how you are depriving the family of their grandkids etc etc.
You are absolutely within your rights to have Sundays to yourself, after all, it doesn't sound like he has to visit your family on a regular basis.
But it sounds to me like his family (mother, perhaps) expect him to be with someone who is happy to slot into their way of life. The pressure from them may be too overwhelming. But if he really sees you as a person in your own right, he should be able to see things from your POV.

beanie35 · 15/02/2009 09:18

I was in exactly the same situation as you, living abroad and having to spend every weekend with the in-laws. In the end it got to a point where I started asking my hubby to go without me, which made him angry, but I couldn't take anymore. Now we live in the uk the problem has gone, although we have to live in their pockets when we visit in the summer, but I can cope when it is only two weeks of the year. Good luck to you whatever you decide to do.

quint · 15/02/2009 09:35

Run now whilst you still can!

Very very controlling, you were perfctly reasonable in wanting some me time, do not let him make you feel bad about this. You have other friends, you don't need him, he needs you, you don't owe him anything.

Good luck

Lovesdogsandcats · 15/02/2009 19:10

Get rid-seriously, nothing you have said points to him caring about you at all, only him and his family.
Hes a self centred tosser and you will be well rid!

2boys2 · 15/02/2009 20:49

oh crumbs it sounds very scary to me. Fast forward a few years and you now live next door - just so your near by, you have children who the inlaws "adore" and call them their "world" - so much so that they are round everyday to see them.......

hell hell hellllllll

you have no friends as u lost touch as u couldnt meet up......

you disagree with something his mother/family member does but he doesnt back u up cos mummie "would be upset" if he did.......

i wont go on!!! but i can see this happening

MrsMattie · 15/02/2009 20:51

He sounds like a bore. And a control freak. And a mummy's boy.

Original poster
Selfishornot · 16/02/2009 07:43

Well, I have read your responses, thanks so much. But now I feel back to square one, I have not heard from the bf since Saturday night, and today I went into work and spoke to a work colleague about what happened, and she thinks I was in the wrong. She said "put yourself in his position, he found out your plans had been cancelled, you did not want to see him the next day, so of course he was upset, and quite rightly put the phone down you. Maybe he wanted to see you, and was disappointed you did not go to his sisters do when it turned out you had a free day, you also did not want to go his mothers the next day."

So now I am worried, this is what I was afraid of, yes I did not tell him the truth right from the start, but I knew if I did he would not be happy and react in the same way anyway. I just don't know what to think anymore, how to put things into perspective, and am worried how things will be when I see him tomorrow night.

Sorry this all sounds so trivial, but your responses convinced me I was right, but now I feel I am in the wrong, and don't know how to handle things tomorrow night when I see him.

OP posts:
MrsGokWan · 16/02/2009 08:17

Well put it this way. Yes he may have been quiet because you didn't want to see him and spend time on your own, which is very resonable, but his behavior in this relationship is unreasonable. It is not just this one incident it is a lot of things over time that add up.

He doesn't want to socialise with your friends, he wants to spend every weekend with his family, he won't consider that you spend time together as a couple else where and make new friends, he won't say 'I love you.'

And I bet there is more.

Original poster
Selfishornot · 16/02/2009 08:27

Yes there is more. But I don't want to go into it right now. Obviously I do not tell my work colleague what the other issues are, so she only has this scenario to base her opinion on. I have no-one else to talk to about this. Your point of views are important to me.

OP posts:
kando · 16/02/2009 08:33

You seem so worried about how he's going to react all the time, surely that's telling you it's not a "healthy" relationship? It can't be good for you to feel that way about someone you love ... you also don't seem to be getting anything out of the relationship (worrying about not pleasing him by doing what HE wants to do). There are two people in this relationship but you seem to be bending over backwards to please him - what's he doing for you? He may well be a "good person" but it doesn't sound like he's being a particularly "good person" towards you - you deserve more than that!

TooFoggy · 16/02/2009 08:34

Your last post worries me to be honest. You shouldnt be this worried about it! You have done nothing wrong. You dont need other people to validate what you did. You dont need to do what he says.

I think your friend at work is wrong.

I think its acceptable and normal for a bf to be dissapointed not to see you, but to understand and not to do what may even be passive aggressive manipulation (silent treatment for bad behaviour, hanging up on you). I may be reading too much into it. Hopefully others with more experience of this type of behaviour will comment on my post. His behaviour and your response rings alarm bells for me.

kando · 16/02/2009 08:34

Sorry if that sounded a little harsh - it wasn't meant to be!

ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight · 16/02/2009 08:43

It's not normal to worry so much about a BF's reaction to your behaviour. Like I said before, either you are abnormally anxious and react to normal stress with excessive anxiety, OR your boyfriend reacts to things in a passive aggressive way (hanging up on you is classic) and you are left tying yourself in knots over his reaction, and actually afraid of how he will react. Either way, this isn't healthy. In my opinion this man is not a healthy partner, he expects things from you which are not reasonable, he doesn't respect your need to be you and have time to yourself, I don't think you even live together do you? I would question whether you want to be feeling like this every time you don't 'toe his line' for the rest of your life. Normal boyfriends don't make you feel like you are having an anxiety attack because you have disagreed with them.

2rebecca · 16/02/2009 08:45

I would explain when you see him that you would have seen him at the weekend if it was just him, but that you would prefer to spend more time as a couple or with friends and less time with his family. That's the truth. If a boyfriend said something like that to me I would take him seriously. If he isn't willing to change and thinks you should do what he wants with his family every weekend then you either accept this and are happy to be his accessory or you decide to break up. Men can have this problem too. I have a male friend who split up from his girlfriend because she insisted on seeing her parents every weekend and they wanted their social life to revolve around her parents. I think sometimes people have difficulty seeing that other people's families are harder work often than your own.
I'd agree with your colleague if this was a 1 off weekend with his family, but if this is how he wants you to spend every weekend and you aren't happy you'll have to tell him sometime.

solidgoldbullet4myvalentine · 16/02/2009 12:45

OP, have you had previous relationships with controlling arseholes or even abusers? Was there DV in your family when you were growing up? You do seem more anxious than most people and more inclined to put his feelings before your own than some would be.
You should definitely bin this man BTW as he is too selfish and controlling for someone who is easily upset.

TrillianAstra · 16/02/2009 12:57

The small part of the scenario that you told your colleague on its own would sound perfectly reasonable: he was upset that when your plans were cancelled you didn't want to be with him instead.

The bigger scenario is a problem.

You keep saying that your partner is a good prson, and has good intentions. That may be the case, but simply being a good person is not enough to say that they are right for you.

Regardless of the fact that in this case his family are his only friends, which is a bit weird in itself, anyone who insists that you see his friends without making any effort to get to know your friends is not good news.

quint · 16/02/2009 13:14

OP I think that in your heart you know you are right and what needs to be done but you're maybe scared to do it. It is better to be alone and single than be with a 'good' person who is controlling and makes you fearful and anxious of his reactions.

As someone else said before, if he's like this now when you can walk away at anytome, what would he be like if you had a house together or had children.

You either need to sit down and have a chat about these issues or you need to get out, he isn;t going to magically change and see things from yuor perspective, he needs it explaining to him and even then you can't guarantee he'll change.

ClaraJo · 16/02/2009 13:26

In the boyfriend's defence, it is very difficult when the family put so much expectation on you... My boyfriend's family are really easy-going, and like to live life like we do. A nice walk, a pub lunch, see where the day takes us. My parents, on the other hand, get all sniffy if they ask us to Sunday lunch (formal dining room) and we say no. We've invited them to join us at the pub, invited them for BBQs here, and they never join us, so we've reached stalemate. So by default we end up spending time with his family, because it suits us better. Because we're with his family, though, my family think he's calling all the shots in our relationship. I'm guilty of finding it easier for them to believe that than to stand up to my parents . This is the first time in over 20 years I've lived near my parents, and it's as if they still see me as a teenager, rather than someone capable of independent thought, and I'm embarrassed to say I'm probably behaving like one in not being adult enough to say "this is how I like to live my life".

warthog · 16/02/2009 22:35

yes, in isolation it would seem that you let your boyfriend down. BUT in context it all adds up to a worrying picture.

please don't ever deny how you feel, always follow your instincts.

tryingherbest · 17/02/2009 22:36

Listen to 2boys2 - she's spot on - she's just described me.

A person like that expects you to fall into line with their family and neglect yours - go out with their friends and lose touch with yours.

They will make NO effort with your family, your culture and yep, when the kids come you've done your job and it's over to them and 2boys2 is particularly right when saying that you try to stand your ground and you'll get no support from dear partner.

Relationships like this are awful - unfair, disrespectful and horribly isolating as if it goes wrong you've got a whole heap of people on your back.

The fact that your dp has no friends and doesn't feel the need for them is pretty worrying in itself - but he's already putting the responsibility on you to do your duty with his family and live your life in spare hours and evenings.

You know the answer to this.

2boys2 · 18/02/2009 20:38

any more news??

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