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Original poster

Calling all only children...

30 replies

MrsJoeMcIntyre · 13/02/2009 15:15

Dh and I are starting to seriously think about having another child. We have one dd, who is 21mo. I am an only child, and have always been steadfast in my determination that I want more than one child myself.

However, I am crippled with doubts about it. I think because I have never had to 'share' my parents, I feel somehow that I am being selfish, inflicting a sibling on dd?

I know I'm being ridiculous, but does anyone have any words of wisdom?

OP posts:
castille · 13/02/2009 15:19

My Dad was an only child and he, like you, was adamant that he would have more than one. I don't feel like my two siblings were inflicted on me - siblings are a good thing! Even if they don't always get on, having one or more teaches you all sorts of things about sharing, tolerance and how to argue effectively

Your DD will love it! And if you have a 2nd soon she'll be young enough not to remember ever having been on her own so won't miss having your undivided attention.

Original poster
MrsJoeMcIntyre · 13/02/2009 15:22

castille. My mum keeps saying things like, 'Let her have all your attention for a while' and this kind of thing, which is putting me off. But I really want her to have a sibling to grow up with, and wouldn't want the age gap much bigger. Assuming we find it reasonably easy to conceive, of course!

OP posts:
ilovetochat · 13/02/2009 15:25

i'm an only and we just have 1 at the moment, 19 months, but i would like another 1 to give dd a sibling.
i had a lot of attention as a child and was almost brought up to think larger families couldn't provide for their children and the children missed out.
as a child i could share as i played with other kids so that what not a problem.
what i couldn't do was push myself to the front or stand up for myself. i was the kid at the back of the queue who missed out and who let people put on them as there was no fight at home.
on holiday i was bored as i had noone to play with and found it hard to just run up and mix.
my dp is one of three and had great holidays/weekends all playing outside together and on the beach together and it just seems like i had parents, he had a family

Original poster
MrsJoeMcIntyre · 13/02/2009 15:31

Yes, I know what you mean about the 'family' versus 'parents' thing. I was always made to go and 'Ask that little girl what her name is', which I think made me quite confident. I don't necessarily feel disadvantaged, but would rather have had siblings than not, IYSWIM.

I'm just struggling to rationalise it. I think (thinking about it now) part of the reason is whenever I've asked my mum why she only had me, she says, 'we got everything we wanted when we had you', which is clearly bollocks, but I think subconsciously it makes me think that I'm almost saying dd isn't enough.

God, that was a long sentence.

OP posts:
Fizzfiend · 13/02/2009 15:33

Go for it...I have an only child but only because another was never sent our way. I love having one, it's so easy, she's a kind girl so always has a lot of friends wanting to play with her. BUT I grew up with my sister, and although we argued loads, I loved having her around. Holidays are hard with one...you always have to make sure there are other kids around, especially when your child is like mine...doesn't run into the mix like you.

also, my main concern is when we get old and decrepit...it must be such a source of support to have a sibling to talk to about this stuff. Having said that, dd is a wonderfully happy child and very self-sufficient. Go for it!!!!!

Original poster
MrsJoeMcIntyre · 13/02/2009 15:35

Fizzfiend - as I said, I'm hoping we are lucky enough to have another. Your dd sounds lovely.

I think because I've never experienced it, it just feels like a huge decision, when to others, it might not.

OP posts:
Fizzfiend · 13/02/2009 15:42

I honestly think the main issue for you will be sibling rivalry/fighting. My mother always says that she hated that the most and that I am lucky never to have that. But it's a natural thing, and part of having a family. And it does wear off!!!

ilovetochat · 13/02/2009 15:43

my dad (who told me large families are disadvantaged ) has actually said to me and dp i hope you don't have anymore as 2nd children never get as much attention or love, do worse at school, 2 kids are naughtier than 1 and you won't afford to send 2 to university.
i take no notice, dd loves other children at playgroups etc and i know it would change our family but i think for the better.
(mind you if dd keeps playing up like she has today i won't have another )

Original poster
MrsJoeMcIntyre · 13/02/2009 15:48

ilovetochat - oh yes, some days I think one is definitely enough!

Fizzfiend - I know, never having dealt with it myself. Dh is one of two boys 18m apart, so I think they just used to batter each other most of the time!

OP posts:
Tillyscoutsmum · 13/02/2009 15:51

Hello you

I am an only child and am too serious considering ttc dc2..... and having doubts

I don't think being an only is making me have doubts - I think lots of people have them tbh. I just can't get my head round loving another child as much as dd. I can't get my head around the practicalities of dealing with a newborn and dd and I can't bear the thought that dd will feel upset/left out if a new baby comes along

Sheesh - anyone would think I was the first person in the world to have more than one child .

fufflebum · 13/02/2009 15:54

hello MrsJoeMcIntyre I am an only child too.
I have one daughter aged 3, almost 4, and a son aged 11 months.
Like you I debated whether to have another child. I had a positive experience as a child, I was given lots of attention but not 'spoiled' as the stereotype says!

I would have been happy with just one, if I had been unable to conceive another, but am so pleased I now have two. It shows me all the things I missed out on as a child! The relationship my children have, even at their young age is something I could only have hoped to have experienced. It is so fantastic to see the way my DD cuddles my DS without any prompting and the way she makes him laugh (and vice versa).

After my son was born i felt sorry for my daughter as she had had so much attention before and I worried that it had not been her choice. However, I am reassured that this is what she will experience and as long as I try to cultivate their friendship then the benefits will outweigh the disadvantages.

Seeing my two together makes me want more children than these two (hubby says no!) and makes me realise what I missed out on!

These are not words of wisdom just my experience. If you decide not to have any more your daughter will be fine, as you have been ?? but if you go on to have more then she will be ok too!

pistachio · 13/02/2009 15:55

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

pistachio · 13/02/2009 15:57

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

goingtohaveagoodnightssleep · 13/02/2009 16:00

I'm an only child and I have always wanted a large family. I have three chldren and am very happy that I do.

I didn't mind being an only child growing up as I always had friends around. It would now be really nice to have someone around who had the same up bringing as me and have more people to share my children with.

fufflebum · 13/02/2009 16:01

It is strange pistachio as I never wanted another after my daughter, in hindsight I think I was depressed. But after my son, I want more!

It is funny how life turns out.

You must have been typing as I was too!!!

fufflebum · 13/02/2009 16:03

Also another thought is I wonder whether peoples experiences of a second child are affected by the age difference between siblings. The three year gap between mine is great as my DD could go to the toilet etc so there were not two nappies to change. This kept me sane!

Original poster
MrsJoeMcIntyre · 13/02/2009 16:21

Fufflebum and Pistachio - you have both summed up what I hope to feel perfectly! I also want 3, in an ideal world.

Tilly - I never knew you were an only too! I know, it's hard to believe I could feel as strong about another dc as I do about dd.

I would never want anything to affect my relationship with her, and although I have a wonderful relationship with my mum (most of the time), I can also see how we would have benefitted from a sibling making it ever so slightly less intense!

OP posts:
Tillyscoutsmum · 13/02/2009 16:44

Go for it MrsJoe - I will if you will Fuffle and pistachio both make very compelling arguments

You see, I'm the opposite with my mum. We have a strained and not very close relationship and I really "missed" having a sibling to take the pressure off a bit. I'm obviously hoping dd won't need one for that !

Original poster
MrsJoeMcIntyre · 13/02/2009 16:49

OK then, let's do it!!!!!!!

Literally.

OP posts:
Gemzooks · 13/02/2009 18:08

I was an only child, think there are advantages both ways, and crucially, what you grow up with is what you accept. so therefore I would just have another one probably. however, here is a list of my two pennorth:

pluses of being an only:

-high achieving

  • loads of confidence and sociable because you have to be
  • independent minded
  • good at sharing, paradoxically, generous, cos you're glad to have someone to share with
= you eat slowly!
  • you deal with people in a quite detached, civilised way

minuses:

  • parents get old/frail, you're alone dealing with it (though no guarantee siblings will help)
  • parents' expectations are higher and you are their only hobby
  • pressure to have grandchildren
  • you are a bit egotistical and self-centred
  • don't understand teasing or horseplay
  • find the argy bargy of family life a bit wearing
  • expect everyone to listen to you with baited breath (although again, is part of the confidence thing, if you talk like you expect people to listen, they tend to listen)

hope this helps!

fufflebum · 13/02/2009 18:56

Perhaps we should start a thread for only children as parents?

I certainly feel I might have missed out by not having siblings and therefore cousins for my children to share with? My DH has a brother and they live miles away as they have only one daughter the opportunities for cousins are limited for my children.

Gemzooks absolutely relate to your minus section!

AnnasBananas · 14/02/2009 10:19

I am an only child and was determined I would always have more than one (I have two dd's) as I didn't enjoy growing up without siblings at all.

Don't get me wrong, I had a happy childhood with loving supportive parents and given every opportunity I could have wanted. But it was lonely.

You learn about the world through siblings, how to communicate, share, laugh, have fun and cheer each other up when you're sad. Sibling relationships teach you how to communicate with new people you meet and how to make friends etc.

Now my parents are aging the responsibility of their care will fall 100% on my shoulders. I'll have no siblings to talk things over with it will be all my decision with the support of DH.

I always feel sorry for only children when I meet them now (if the reason is the parents don't want another child...I know plenty do want another one but are unable to have one)

You'll never regret giving your LO a sibling, they bring nothing but joy as a sister/brother and as another child for you, too.

SchnitzelVonKrumm · 14/02/2009 10:29

I am the only child of a single mother who died when I was a teenager. Seeing my two daughters' relationship develop has been one of the most inspiring and delightful parts of being a parent (though ironically now I concerned that if we have another, as we'd like, it will unbalance things )

Coldtits · 14/02/2009 10:34

Do it. It's a good age gap, and i don't think sharing your parents is a BAD thing. We are biologically designed to learn to share our parents.

YOU will feel crippled with guilt that neither of your children seem to get the level of attention they would get if they were only children - and second children may be slightly lower achieving and naughtier than 1sts and onlies.

However, they are also a good deal less neurotic. The longer a child spends as the sole focus of it's parent's attention, the more intelligent, high achieving and neurotic they will be (IMnon professional O)

TsarChasm · 14/02/2009 10:36

I am an only and was sure that if I did have children I'd want more than one. I ended up with 3 (was only actually planning on 2, but dt's surprised us!)

I had a lovely childhood, but looking back it was rather serious and quiet much of the time. Holidays were quiet, Sundays were quiet, I was quiet.

Also yes, I do have a close relationship with my parents, but sometimes I felt I had to behave and be far more grown up than I felt.

If I did anything wrong it would be quite a 'big deal' and the focus on me was quite intense because there was no-one else to offset whatever it was I was or wasn't doing. This is why I knew I'd want more than one myself.

My own dc's childhood is noisy and fun and much more relaxed. They are also much more confident than I was. They are used to standing up for themselves and making their point. They know how to share and that means sharing us as their parents but I've never had any complaints that anyone feels left out.

Of course it all swamps me sometimes but usually in a nice way. All this is very different to how I grew up. I went through a stage of knocking myself out trying to treat them all as only children within a big family. That doesn't work though. I try very hard to be fair, but sometimes they don't all get exactly the same but that's actually a good thing I have learned and they are fine with that too.