Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

1 2

Original poster

stay with dh or leave to be with ex?,

29 replies

havingdilemma · 12/02/2009 09:21

I haven't posted on here before but am hoping for some advice opinions. dh and i have had probalems all through our marriage (been together 8 yrs). We've had terribl;e rows, sometime violents and sex has been very rare esp the last few years. We have a 3 yo dd too. We've alos tried counselling but not been much use. I've been in touch with my xp all through our marriage but last year we finally met up. Things were getting so bad with dh that i went to stay with xp and then we ended up being together. I'm back with dh atm as I thought i was missing him and i love him in some ways and almost feel protected by him in a fatherly sort of way. Sex is not really something i want from him (was never great anyway) and i don't feel comfortable letting go like that with him. Also his personal hygiene isn't that great (sorry if tmi!)XP is kind and loving and sex is wonderful with him and feel so relaxed with him and not inhibited. He's also great with dd and understands me. Xp wants me back, dh wants me to stay with him - I dont't know what to do

OP posts:

PurplePillow · 12/02/2009 09:25

Tbh if ex was so great why did he become EX in the first place?

Original poster

havingdilemma · 12/02/2009 09:27

Long story but i wasn't really myself in the last few moths of being with xp and he and i have changed (grown up a bit think)in the time we've been apart. I was falttered by all the attention dh was giving me. Can see why you ask the question tho

OP posts:

lulabellarama · 12/02/2009 09:29

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

DumbledoresGirl · 12/02/2009 09:29

I am sorry to be blunt, but I think you have some more growing up to do before you make your decision.

PurplePillow · 12/02/2009 09:31

Maybe ex is flattering you in the same sort of way?

I think to be fair to yourself and your dd maybe time away from both men would be a good idea? May give you a better insight to what you want.

But please remember that your dh is still your dd's father and always will be.

Good luck

Original poster

havingdilemma · 12/02/2009 09:31

Thanks lula. The violence isn't straight forward - it's usually been started by me if we're having a row and he says something terribel to me. He sometimes retaliates. Hasn't happened for a while

OP posts:

TotalChaos · 12/02/2009 09:31

if either of them were the right man for you, you wouldn't be ping ponging between the 2! Sounds like you've reached the end of the road with your husband, I agree with lulabellarama.

VictorianSqualor · 12/02/2009 09:32

I agree with DG.

Also, if you need to leave a bad relationship, because it does sound bad, violence should not be overlooked, then you need to leave that relationship alone.

You are to-ing and fro-ing from one man to another. Do you actually know what it feels like to be single? Have you ever been alone? Is having a man really important to you?

Original poster

havingdilemma · 12/02/2009 09:33

PP, would never stop dh seeing dd. Was wondering whether to stay with my mum for a while. Just want things sorted one way or another

OP posts:

TheBFG · 12/02/2009 09:34

First time poster? yet your story is strangely familliar - there is/has been a poster who has posted numerous times about this situation on mn - coincidence?

Tbh I would say that if you are going to leave your marriage then you need to do it for you and not for some ex. If you are meant to be with the ex then it will happen, but you need to get your head straight first, you can't just walk out of one relationship into another. It's not fair especially to your dd.

Simplysally · 12/02/2009 09:34

It sounds as though you're confused. If you want to leave your dh then do so but don't assume that your ex will be fabby either.

I'd suggest you think about counselling to clear your head to be fair to all concerned.

Original poster

havingdilemma · 12/02/2009 09:36

BFG - I'm sure i can't be the only one in this sort of situation! You could be right tho, maybe a while way from both would help

OP posts:

VictorianSqualor · 12/02/2009 09:37

Also, you say your DD gets on well with your ex.
Please tell em you haven't been to-ing and fro-ing with her in tow. That isn't fair.
For her sake you need to make a decision, and, IMO, that decision would be to be alone.

Original poster

havingdilemma · 12/02/2009 09:37

SS - yes very confused indeed. I've tried counselling by myself and dh and i have been together, unfortuantley it hasn't helped

OP posts:

WomanInAnAttic · 12/02/2009 09:38

How about being on your own with your DD? That sounds to be the most sensible option.
You won't be content with any man until you can be content with yourself.

Original poster

havingdilemma · 12/02/2009 09:39

VS - yes dd has been with me, there would be nowhere else for her to be. She was getting really affected by all the rows and atmosphere at home. She's fine. She just hink of xp as my friend

OP posts:

Original poster

havingdilemma · 12/02/2009 09:41

dh would actually rather i went to live with xp than live on my own with her as he wants her ot grow up in a family environment. he knows he'll be able to see her whenever he wants

OP posts:

VictorianSqualor · 12/02/2009 09:48

Being on her own with her mother and father both in her life and being responsible adults would be better for her than going to and from houses to whichever man mummy wants at the time.

A 'family' environment is not the same as the picture you have painted, sorry.

PortofinosDHwillDieIfHeForgets · 12/02/2009 09:48

Hmmm. I'm with BFG on this I'm afraid. This is very familiar. Same old, same old and no sign of poster actually taking notice of anyone's advice.

In case I am wrong here, my advice would be the same. Leave them both and get yourself sorted out. You're being incredibly immature and selfish.

Original poster

havingdilemma · 12/02/2009 09:54

Thanks, wish i could be more mature about it. Was just hoping for some help

OP posts:

VictorianSqualor · 12/02/2009 09:54

There have been two other similar threads that I know of.
One was a regular poster who had been in contact over the internet and via text with her EX, her husband knew, she wasn't sure whether to meet up with the EX or not.

Another was a woman who wanted to leave her DH for her lEX, who she had been sleeping with, but hadn't actually left her husband at any time.

Similar enough to cause confusion and this may well be a troll, but sadly, I think it's a very common situation.

VictorianSqualor · 12/02/2009 09:55

What help do you want though?

We've told you the best thing to if you're in a bad relationship is to leave and be alone.
That's obviously not the answer you want.

BitOfFun · 12/02/2009 09:56

One thread I remember with very much the same issues is this one, and I think it was harking back to another one by the same poster...if you aren't the same person, there will still be good advice here that very much applies. HTH.

PortofinosDHwillDieIfHeForgets · 12/02/2009 10:02

VS, I know the 2 threads you refer to and this is a seperate one. Basically several different posters with the exact same scenario posted above. DH with history of violence, left him to go back to ExP, decided she still loved DH, many posts on whether she should go back. ExP and DH both seem to be remarkably happy for her to mess them about. Then another post repeating the same thing....with no sign of any advice being taken. I smell a troll big rat.

havingdilemma, the help and advice here will always be the same. Leave them both and get yourself sorted out. Same as it was all those other threads.

BitOfFun · 12/02/2009 10:06

Here is another one which will sound familiar?

Flip

1 2