Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

So, when it gets to the end how do you finnish it when you have no guts and just wanna cry ???

63 replies

nutcracker · 09/04/2005 22:33

If i say 'i don't love you, i want us to split', he won't believe me.

It will turn into a row and i don't want a row, haven't the energy, thinking about it is hard enough.

OP posts:
Original poster
nutcracker · 10/04/2005 16:41

Hiya Aimsmum. Thanks for that advice, the money thing does worry me most i think but like you say i would just have to rearrange all paymkents.
He wouldn't help with them no.

I will be on benefits yes, i don't work at the mo and am going back t college one day a week in september.

Thanks Ebbie too, i hope it works out fot you.

OP posts:
Aimsmum · 10/04/2005 17:52

Message withdrawn

Original poster
nutcracker · 10/04/2005 22:51

Thanks Aimsmum

OP posts:
ponygirl · 11/04/2005 11:08

Morning, Nutcracker. How are you feeling today? Hope you're well.

vict17 · 11/04/2005 11:15

Hi Nutty - I remember from previous threads you saying you want to leave your dp. Is he the father of your children? Do you think that the reason you haven't left him is because deep down you still love him?

Original poster
nutcracker · 11/04/2005 13:55

Hi again.

Well after all my planning, i ended up blurting it out in bed this morning, that i f i had my time over again i wouldn't get together with a bloke 20 years older. He said 'oh i knew this was coming, yor soooooo two faced'. I said you can't pretend i haven't told you this before, i just don't want to be with you anymore.

So then i got accused of shagging around etc and then he ignored me for 2 hours.

Now, he is acting like we never even spoke about it, amking me cups of tea, trying to have a laugh and a joke etc.

He just won't believe it, now what do i do ???

OP posts:
Original poster
nutcracker · 11/04/2005 13:56

Vict - yep he is the father of my kids but no i definatly don't love him.

OP posts:
ponygirl · 11/04/2005 14:05

Write him a letter. Give him a timescale: when you want him gone by. If you start getting into the practicalities it might make him see that you mean it. Tell your parents - tell him you're going to start telling people that it is over and he is moving out. I think you need to do something different from what you've done/said before to let him know you mean business! Good luck, hun.

NomDePlume · 11/04/2005 14:10

Nutty, well done for starting the ball rolling. Now that you have told him, I think a letter is a good idea. If he is still in denial then go and see a solicitor or Citizens Advice to find out what the next step is.

Loobie · 11/04/2005 14:24

yeh i agree i went through the same thing almost 3 years ago now with exp i would pluck up the courage to tell him to go,we would row then he would act like nothing had been said.
One day after the same scenario i gave him a day to be out by and purposley bought newspapers with accomadation etc for him,i kept myslef and the kids out of the house most of the time when he was home and left my dad in my house the day exp moved out as i could easily have seen myself changing my mind out of sympathy for him.But this all worked and i have never looked back,i cleard the debt,and had my baby,i was 5 mths pg when we split with 2 other sons,our eldest had just been diagnosed with autism 6 mths before exp left.
In the 3 years since we have been apart,i have decorated the house from top to bottom the way i want it,have new furniture throughout,gave birth to my very precious daughter,dealt with serious ill health in the 2 youngest,and dragged ds 1 kicking and screaming through appointment after appointment,exclusions from school etc,and have fought to get him a specialist place in and autism unit,i have taken all three kids abroad on holiday twice in the last 2 years on my own.
And i have now just rejoined the dating scene so yes life on your own is hard but hey its also as much fun as you want to make it.
XX

NomDePlume · 11/04/2005 14:25

Loobie, that is an inspirational story

vict17 · 11/04/2005 15:36

I don't think writing a letter is a good idea - I think now that you have told him you should say next something like 'now you've had time to think about it do you know when you'll be moving out'. That way he won't be able to ignore the whole issue

Loobie · 11/04/2005 19:41

Nondeplume hopefully it will give inspiration to those of us who are currently stuck in similiar situations.
And thank you!!

Original poster
nutcracker · 11/04/2005 20:38

Wow Loobie that is an inspirational story thanks for sharing that.

He is still pretending i didn't say a word. Haven't quite decided on my next move yet either. Am starting to feel like i'm drowning actually.

Do i need a soliciter ??????

OP posts:
mancmum · 11/04/2005 20:50

nutcracker sorry I don't know the background to your relationship but it would sound like you have moved past the point of couple counselling but do you think mediation would help... Relate do this for couples who have to split and gives them a process to work through... it sounds like you are going to have to be tough on this and get the council to take his name of the tenancy and sort out alternative accomodation for him..

You have to get a plan in place -- drowning is not a good place to be in... wish I could help more... but I think you need to talk to him about it... even if it is on a dailybasis repeating the same things - it is the only way to get to him...

Hope you sort it out soon -- sounds like hell for you..

ponygirl · 11/04/2005 21:44

Nutty, don't let the momentum wane. Now you've started, don't back down, because it must get harder every time, as every time he'll think you're just saying it. Say it and stick to it!

(Sorry if I'm sounding like a nag, Nutty, but I think this is really what you want and you'll be so much happier the other side of this. I'm moral support! )

Loobie · 12/04/2005 11:59

I totally agree with pony girl now you have got it started keep repaeting yourself cause as she says he will continue saying nothing about the whole thing then next time you say he will jsut think yeh yeh,
as for a solicitor im not sure,are you married to each other? i dont know how the tenancy thing will work out as my house was in my name only,but if he realises that he will have to go as you fought for the house and the kids need a home then he may easily take his name off the tenancy leaving you as sole occupant.I would try getting advice from CAB or such like just to clarify anything you may be worried about,but honestly i had loads of worries and they have all sorted them selves out in time,none of us have gone without clothes,food,heat,birthday and xmas presents,holidays and the likes,in fact we never had a holiday while with ex p only since we have been without him
Feel free to cat me and i will help any way i can,i can give you my msn addy too and we can talk whenever you need a push,a shoulder or just some inspiration and reassurance that all will work out.
XXX

ponygirl · 12/04/2005 13:16

OK, Nutty, I know you're around!

Are you OK? (not nagging, just general solicitous enquiry, honest!

glitterfairy · 12/04/2005 14:07

Nutty he will believe you in the end. If you are firm enough and keep your resolve. The problem is that it is so hard to slip as I know only too well.

I think mine has got the message but is in a super nice phase, tea in bed, cooking and washing (which he hasnt managed for 15 years!) etc. He is off with a friend this weekend and we have been for counselling which really helped.

Original poster
nutcracker · 12/04/2005 18:51

Arrrrrrrrrrrrrrggggggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

Thats a bit better, now will post again later properly when i have calmed down.

OP posts:
Original poster
nutcracker · 12/04/2005 19:45

Right am back now, and a bit calmer.

We had a row, started by me not saying YES in the right tone of voice.
Anyway i said, have you totally forgotten what i said yesterday, and he said why what did you say . I didn't really wanna spell it out again cos the kids were there, but i managed to get my point across i think.
He did mention the fact that his name is on the tenancy so i very calmly said 'try it and you will live to regret it.
Then he said about ringing the housiong association and seeing if they would give him a flat. I think that is a great idea but needs investigating a bit more. I know he won't ring them so i will.

Basically he thinks i have a whole long line of men already lined up to take his place and that i am probably already shaggin one of them.

Anyway, we aren't talking now, which basically means that he has heard me this time but it choosing to ignore what i said. He is off tommorow so it will get mentioned again.

Although somewhat draining the row was good cos it gave me a kick up the arse and reminded me why i'm doing it.

Thanks again for all the messages, glitterfairy isn't that just typical.

OP posts:
ponygirl · 12/04/2005 20:54

There's lots of us here rooting for you, Nutty, you've taken the first really hard steps. See it through, and you'll be sooo much happier. A PITA to have sort out a flat for him, but if that's what it takes... Thinking of you lots.

vict17 · 13/04/2005 12:26

Hi Nutcracker - well done for getting the ball rolling. How's it going with him finding himself a flat? Hope you are okay

glitterfairy · 13/04/2005 21:13

Yep nutty just typical but I need to keep in mind that this phase wont last I can go with it now and give in and then three months down the line he will revert to type and become horrible. In a way it is psychological battering.

tiredemma · 14/04/2005 11:03

sorry to see you so unhappy nutty.

hopefully you will have some luck with finding him elsewhere to live.

remember you have lots going on your life this year with college and all that, and things will get better for you.

this man is just going to drag you down forever, and you and your children are worth more than that.

of course things will be tough but you really do have to hit rock bottom before things can get better and i feel from all of your posts that you are at that point now.

at some point he really will get the gist that you want him out, until then play the wife from hell!!
seriously though, i wish you all the luck in the world and send you lots of love. i know how desperatly hard you want your life to change for the better, and believe me one day it really will.
x