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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I dumped my man for my xp and not sure if i did right

52 replies

Jellyfishhavefeelings · 05/02/2009 14:55

The man i was seeing, it all started off as a bit of a joke, we got drunk had sex i thought that was it...

But it happened again and then he developed feelings for me, kept telling me he loved me and making promises he didnt keep

Its a long and complicated story but recently my xp became interested, he also treated me badly when we were together but i was getting so sick of my new man not making a commitment that i got back with my xp

Anyway, the guy i dumped keeps telling me he loves me and things will be different and hes given up loads for me etc etc...

What should i do?

OP posts:
RealityIsMyOnlyValentine · 05/02/2009 14:57

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AttilaTheMeerkat · 05/02/2009 14:59

Jellyfish

I would also say that you should be on your own now for at least a year to work out exactly what you want. You need to work out as well why you continue to choose poorly.

Neither of these men are suitable, particular your ex. Why would you have gone back to someone who treated you badly when you were together?. Do you think at heart this is all you deserve?.

BitOfsexyFunbutnotupthebum · 05/02/2009 15:00

Reality speaks a lot of sense. Not usually, but on this occasion

TheThoughtPolice · 05/02/2009 15:00

agree, try being on your own.

diedandgonetodevon · 05/02/2009 15:00

Reality is right. It sounds like neither man is worth having - one you say treats you badly, the other won't commit.
In your situation I would cut my losses and go it alone.

BrownSuga · 05/02/2009 15:01

This sounds familiar and iirc the advice to previous posters was to be on their own and sort themselves out before embarking on a relationship.

This is good advice.

RealityIsMyOnlyValentine · 05/02/2009 15:03

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Original poster
Jellyfishhavefeelings · 05/02/2009 15:05

Your probably right, thing is i cant help myself, and i have been no angel

I slept with xp behind his wifes back (wrong i know) and it broke up his marriage, then we got together for a while but he ended up going back to his wife, but it didnt work out and now we seem to have ended up back together

Its all a bit of a mess

OP posts:
solidgoldbullet4myvalentine · 05/02/2009 15:06

COuplehood isn't compulsory, you know. Not wanting to 'commit' is actually a very healthy trait - people who are so desperate for commitment that they will move in with any old waste of space make themselves and other people miserable.
Try time on your own, as others have said, and if you meet attractive men who aren't obvious arseholes, date a few without trying to rush anything and without exclusivity. If you are someone who doesn;t like to have casual sex, then don't have sex if you don't want to (but be careful of usiing it as a stick-and-carrot, this can lead to men fibbing about how much they love you just to get a shag). But don't bother trying to get a commitment out of a man who doesn;t appear to want one, and definitely don't bother with a man who doesn;t treat you well.

solidgoldbullet4myvalentine · 05/02/2009 15:08

Blimey, don't bother with him then. He sounds like a prat who can't make his mind up and doesn;t really think women are people at all. he broke up his marriage, you didn't, so don't feel that you now owe him sex.

aseriouslyblondemoment · 05/02/2009 15:09

oh dear a bit of a mess
and no i'm not judging you either as things are not that black and white in the real world
i would say see neither of them and have time on your own for a bit
it'll give you head space if nothing else

Original poster
Jellyfishhavefeelings · 05/02/2009 15:10

So maybe i should dump him then and stay with my other man? i do think he genuinely loves me, and we get on really well, i think i only got back with xp to punish him

OP posts:
BrownSuga · 05/02/2009 15:12

You got back with XP to punish other man? Doesn't sound like you love either of them tbh. Go it alone. Are there children involved here also?

LynetteScavo · 05/02/2009 15:14

No, dump them both and move on with your life.

You really don't need either of them.

Original poster
Jellyfishhavefeelings · 05/02/2009 15:16

Other man has now left his girlfriend for me now though, and he stood up for me, no ones ever dont that before

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Original poster
Jellyfishhavefeelings · 05/02/2009 15:17

I don't want to be on my own

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aseriouslyblondemoment · 05/02/2009 15:23

im sure you dont and can sympathise
but they both sound like non starters tbh
you're worth more than that
spend time on your own and enjoy it and get out with your friends
then you will meet a man who is truly worthy of your time and wont treat you like shit or leave you hanging on a string either

Original poster
Jellyfishhavefeelings · 05/02/2009 15:26

But if it wasnt for my man i would be in jail by now, he lied in court for me

OP posts:
OhBling · 05/02/2009 15:29

mymittens?

aseriouslyblondemoment · 05/02/2009 15:36

doesn't mean that you have to maintain a relationship with him you're not a charity worker to put it bluntly.
IMO to be in the right place to be in a healthy relationship you do need to be able to be on your own and to be happy with being so
unfortunately alot of shitty timewasting emotionally unavailable types will prey on you otherwise

RealityIsMyOnlyValentine · 05/02/2009 15:41

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Original poster
Jellyfishhavefeelings · 05/02/2009 15:42

Thanks for the advice, i have to get back to work now, i work in a cafe

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Original poster
Jellyfishhavefeelings · 05/02/2009 15:43

no need to be so nasty realityis!

I were only asking for advice

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RealityIsMyOnlyValentine · 05/02/2009 15:45

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RealityIsMyOnlyValentine · 05/02/2009 15:46

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