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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

we are seperating but still living together - is this a really stupid idea?

30 replies

pickledlatte · 05/02/2009 12:56

we have had lots of ups and downs but things have been very hard lately.

We lived seperately for january and I have been to relate on my own and talked things through and he is coming with me on saturday, but the progression and general feeling is that things are over and we are no longer in a relationship.

We (well mainly I) have come up with a plan - we are going to change things round in the house and change the sitting room into a room for me and he will stay in the bedroom. We will divide up time with the children very much like you would when you are seperated but the difference is that we will live in the same house.

I am thinking that by reframing things in this way will help to get rid of the feelings of resentment and anger associated with relationship obligations.

Is this a really stupid idea?

I would really appreciate some help and honesty on this.

OP posts:
MarlaSinger · 05/02/2009 12:58

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

pooka · 05/02/2009 12:59

I am kind of wondering what impact that would have on your kids - might be a tad confusing for them?

MissisBoot · 05/02/2009 13:02

I think that the best way to get rid of feelings of resentment and anger would for you to live in seperate places.

It could work as a short term solution - if your ex-partner can't afford to live elsewhere atm. But imo not ideal.

How old are your children? It may confuse them if he is still living at home and your relationship is over.

MissisBoot · 05/02/2009 13:03

Also - why would you want him still to be living under the same roof if your relationship is over?

harleyd · 05/02/2009 13:04

believe me it doesnt work

HecateQueenOfGhosts · 05/02/2009 13:08

i think that it will be a disaster. There is someone on here in that situation and she is going through hell atm.

TheProvincialLady · 05/02/2009 13:09

My friend's parents did this and you could feel the tension the minute you walked through the door. What will you do when one of you starts dating?

Coldtits · 05/02/2009 13:11

How are you ever going to have a boyfriend? How will you cope if he gets a girlfriend? You don't care now because you aren't thinking of yourselves as single people but believe me this one will bite you in the arse - when you can't take someone home for a coffee because your ex is there.

Original poster
pickledlatte · 05/02/2009 13:16

sorry I am a regular and keep having to name change for this.

thanks for replies - lots of people in RL have said the same to me but things are so complicated. We both have put a lot into the house and it would be hard for him to move out, especially financally. I think that it is possible we would all have to move and sell up and that seems so disruptive for the children.

Would it really be hard for the children? It would not be overly different from how things are now really - just mummy's bed in the sitting room.

I think it might be really stupid but I feel like I can't find any other ways to go.

OP posts:
2pt4kids · 05/02/2009 13:17

What will you do whne your chldren ask both of you to play a game with them/eat dinner together with them/go out to play in the snow with them etc
If you are both there in the same house, the children will expect you to do things together and will be very confused and upset if you dont.
If you do try but have a tense atmosphere doin it then the children will be better off if you live apart and seperate time with them.

Original poster
pickledlatte · 05/02/2009 13:18

2pt4kids - he would always say no to those things anyway - i think the children don't expect us to do things together.

OP posts:
2pt4kids · 05/02/2009 13:21

Then what happens if its his day with the kids (you say you'd split time with them as if you were seperated) and you make plans but he's not wanting to play/do what they ask and they are bugging you to do it.
You'll never get a day off. It'll be you having custody 24/7 and him just being there in the same house annoying you.
The only way he'll learn to do it by himself and have a good relationship with the children is to do it by himself without you to help him or do it for him.

MissisBoot · 05/02/2009 13:21

Better to be a bit disruptive for the children now then to prolong the seperation which could have longer lasting effects on the children.

You can't be that tied to a property - you need to put you and your childrens wellbeing first and manage the finances into this - if it means you live in a smaller/cheaper/rented house then that is what you need to do.

HecateQueenOfGhosts · 05/02/2009 13:23

Can you be sure that you won't argue or be snide with each other? Will you treat one another like flatmates? Cooking rotas, equal cleaning? Or will it just be marriage in seperate bedrooms and no sex?

what about if he goes out all the time. will you be resentful or will you see him as a free agent? What if you want to go out and he has an attitude? How will you divvy up the childcare so you get equal time?

So many things.

When you or he go on a date. How will the other feel or act? Can you see yourself staying home with the kids because he's got a hot date? Or telling him you're going out because brian from down the road has asked you to dinner?

I really don't think it'll work.

maybe it will, perhaps you are super-mature and cool and calm and can make that switch in your minds. I hope so, or you'll be trapped in a nightmare.

dustbuster · 05/02/2009 13:39

So many good points on this thread

My ex-P have decided to separate, but we are still living together while he finds a place. The split is amicable but it is still really hard.

I originally thought about trying to get two flats in the same building, he said it was a bad idea, and now I see he was right.

You need some space to live your own life - it is not easy financially , esp in the current climate, but I think it's the only way. Could he rent for a bit, and then maybe you could sell the house when the market picks up?

dustbuster · 05/02/2009 13:42

PS In my experience, it is true that some of the resentment and anger dissolves when you no longer feel obligated by being in a couple relationship. But not all of it. I think it's a lot easier to be calm and amicable when you've got your own space.

mumoverseas · 05/02/2009 13:48

Ideally, if you decide your relationship is over, you'd sell the house, buy two smaller houses and get on with it. However, we don't live in an ideal world and most people simply can't afford to do this so more and more people are trying the living 'separate and apart' thing.

It can work, but it won't be easy. One important factor however is whether you intend divorcing in the future and perhaps then going ahead on the basis of two years separation and consent of the other party. If this is the case, then you need to be very careful about your separation as once the divorce is underway following the two year separation, you have to confirm to the Court that you have in fact been living separate and apart, eg you have not been sleeping together, you have not been doing each others washing, ironing, cleaning, cooking etc. This is very hard when still living with children as it must be hard to say cook a sunday roast for yourself and your DC and not allow their father to join you. These are things that you must bear in mind if you are thinking that far ahead.
It may well be that you both just need a little space for a few weeks/months to see how things go.

This is just the practical/legal advice but as others have said, how will this work if/when you both get new partners? Not easy I imagine. Good luck.

TooTicky · 05/02/2009 14:56

Oh sweetie, not stupid.
Changes and disruption can be so hard, especially if you want some but not all of them.

My personal feeling is that it might seem a good idea now, but you might find it restrictive after a short while.
Also, not quite one thing or another.

Would the financial side be crippling/impossible?

He is a grown up y'know, he could manage something.

mamas12 · 05/02/2009 15:44

I did that and it was awful. The strain to keep up the feeling of 'family' while we were all together in the same house is just not worth it . The dcs are affected by it. because if they want to watch something on the t.v. together and you are in separate rooms there are questions. Are you ready with the answers and then the 'why can't you be friends now he's only in the living room goa nd make it up with him mummy'
Confusing to say the least!

PollyannaNutjob · 05/02/2009 15:46

I couldn't do it, but if you think you could, it might be worth trying? make it very clear this is a trial thing and set a finite period after which you will review? i can see a lot of advantages for the children IF you are not sniping or miserable
however i agree with toot, it will keep you 'stuck' and unable to really move on - i think it should probably be a temporary arrangement rather than a long term one

what2donow · 05/02/2009 16:58

I tried this with my ex for several months. The main reason we did it in the first place was because he refused to move out, and the house couldnt (and still cant in fact) be sold for various reasons. It didnt work at all. That could be because my ex is inherently unreasonable, but I think even 2 normal well adjusted adults would struggle to make it work.

My ex interpreted the fact of me still living there (albeit in separate rooms) as meaning we hadn't actually split up. He still expected me to cook and clean for him, and do his washing. And when I did finally move out, his reaction was horrendous (because he'd been kidding himself for months we were still a couple).

Obviously if you have to do it for now, then thats what you do. But I would honestly urge you to think of some alternatives for a few month's time.

ahundredtimes · 05/02/2009 17:22

I think it sounds like a temporary thing too. It might help as a kind of half step, towards the end. I don't think it'll confuse the dcs that much, they are bizarrely flexible about things like that.

If he's reluctant to finish the relationship, and you are feeling guilty, I can see why you might come up with this plan. But I think it might be a halfway sort of situation, not a long term one. Nothing wrong with that though.

ahundredtimes · 05/02/2009 17:27

I wish someone else would come and post. I feel weirdly exposed sitting up here being bitter. I forgot to use emoticons, that's all. It was a JOKE.

ahundredtimes · 05/02/2009 17:28

Right. Okay. Wrong thread. Really sorry OP. Really, so sorry.

mamas12 · 05/02/2009 17:30

Mine was supposed to be temporary and it went on for over a year We were all so exhausted from. He basically said he wasn't going to move out if I wanted to end the marriage it was up to me, but I wans't working and didn't have any means to rent and really I couldn't see why I had to move the children out of their home to rent somewhere else for him to stay in a 5 bed home on his own. Should have sorted it earlier. He always said 'my name is - and I live at - and that's that' so he eventualy bought me out but after three weeks he sold the house for 15k more than our settlement agreement so he was quite canny. Look out for that sort of thing won't you.
I wouldn't advise doing this for more than a few weeks tbh.