Just spoke to my Mother today after 20 years - Im not sure how I feel (Long) just need to write this down

[Ilovecurry]

My Mother walked out and left me and my younger brother when we were 16 and 14.

She divorced my father and said "we were better being with him". She did call but my Dad was very angry and always put the phone down on her and insisted we did. There were rumors that she had met someone else etc...

I had to grow up quick, look after and protect my brother and get him through school whilst sort myself out aswell. I felt upset, confused and loyal to my Father - having to listen to him crying in bed at night was heart wrenching.

As time went on we just got on with life so to speak - we always go birthday/christmas cards.

I got married had my son 4 years ago and yesterday it was my birthday, I got my mothers card with her tel number in it this time - not sure why I did it or how I came to do it but I called her.

She seemed shocked and quite bitter particularly towards my Dad. She asked if we could meet, I daid I wasnt sure and she immediately said "Are you frightened of your father".

I never wanted to upset my DAd he was hurting so much and at the young age of 16 all you know is that your Mum's not there - just when I have my first boyfriend, marriage, miscarriage, son - my Mother wasnt there.

She said I sounded angry - I tried to explain that I was a very young 16 when she left, I lost part of my life, my career through staying at home to protect my brother and Dad etc...

She seemed very bitter about my Dad and said she tried to see us but he stopped it she said she should of perhaps gone to court to force it but didnt want to upset us anymore. She will be 70 this year, she has arthiritus, she sounds frail - she spoke about forgiveness and putting things right before she dies.

I feel upset, angry, bitter, loyal to my Father but have always missed my Mother/having my Mother there when I needed her.

The conversation ended with her saying "We will leave it there" I told her to let me know when she was coming to my town (she doesnt live here now)and that was it. I just dont know how I feel.

ilovecurry - my view on this in very slewed...

Has your mum not contacted you since you were an adult?

I am not sure some women are altruistic enough to see the harm they do when they just up and leave....

do you think she is contacting you for YOU or HER?

Maybe you do need to build up some kind of relationship with your mum, if only to ask why she left. I have a few friends who's mothers left when they were kids and they all found it very hard but becoming adults, having relationships of their own, having their own troubles in those relationships... have all helped them to understand that their mums may have had reasons to leave their fathers.

ilovecurry, there is already some good advice on here. Hopefully there will be more from others who have some insight.

I don't feel qualified to advise but am sad that you and your bro had to grow up without your mum. The fact that you rang her perhaps shows that the hole she left is still there. Take it easy and take it slowly and perhaps one day soon the two of you can find some peace and harmony in a new relationship.

I do not know your situation but my mum let my brother leave home when he was 15 because she had a new man in her life, I still speak to her but my brother doesn't. I can see she is very selfish and if for instance her partner left her she would maybe then try to contact my brother if she had no one else.

I am not saying this is your situation but if your mum is ill and worried she is dying maybe she is feeling sorry for herself. She did send cards for all those years so maybe if you would have called her years ago she would hav wanted to meet you.

It is strange that she was asking if you are scared of your dad, maybe she was scared of him? Was he violent? But if that was the case maybe she should have took her children with her.

what ever happens try not to get your hopes up too much as she may never be the mother you missed as she has missed so much of your life. But atleast if you meet her you could get some answers from her and find out about her life? If nothing else you wont one day think what if. I try to speak to everyone in my family because I feel if they ever died while we were not speaking I would feel guilty.

I hope it all works out for the best for you, it is very difficult when parents are rubbish, I know that much.
Sorry for rambling. Good luck. And keep us updated. xxx

beanieb

Mothers can leave fathers but leaving their children is different

IME mothers who leave are more likely to turn round and expect to still be treated to a degree like a mother - when the child is an adult

in my opinion mothers who leave all bar the odd card can never be this and it is selfish of hem to expect it

Ilovecurry i too miss having a mother - i do not nor have ever known that joy but i do have the joy of my own mothering to make up for it

do you think you could make a 'relationship' of sorts that could benefit YOU

If i sound selfish it is because i feel it is maybe the time to think of yourself over your 'mother'

xx

I feel through your parents bitterness you have been the loser and lost one parent. Now you have the chance to regain something and have a part of that parent that you have lost out on.

Yes you are loyal to your father, but what about you, you are allowed to have a relationship with both of your parents. Your relationship with your mother will never be what it could have ever been. 20 years gone but you do have a chance at soemthing.

A relationship has to be two way - it will not work as a relationship, if it is only going to benifit you or her.

Some real food for thought from you all.

I feel as though I wouldnt want to upset me father

But again I am now a mother myself (ds is just 4) and am proud of him

I was angry for many years but all of a sudden although still angry, hurt etc... feel different. My Mother was relatively young when she left now she is 70, sounds frail.

I still dont know what to do for the best. Whatever I did I would speak to my Father first and try to explain to him.

I dont think I want an intense, full on relationship but I want "something" and would like my ds to know about her...if that makes sense

Ilovecurry, my mother also left my father and I when I was 16. This was due to a mental illness and although I did see her she was never a 'mother' to me. Even now I struggle with her and I would call my relationship with her a bit distant, quite often strained and I sometimes feel a bit angry towards her for all she put my father and me through.

However she is a great grandma, and however much I find her hard to deal with I know that my son benefits with having her in his life. Do you think that your mother would have a good relationship with your ds? Maybe you and her could never have a proper mother daughter relationship, but you could help your ds to spend time with her, especially as she gets older.

But it is your decision, and you should go with whatever you feel comfortable doing, whether that be seeing her or not.

Thats so strange - she also said to me yesterday that she was going through a break down that wasnt recognised.

I just dont want the hurt to start all over again and no matter what I couldnt hurt my Father - he did the best by us. But it sticks in my head how cold she spoke about him....he wasnt violent I know that...I accept that she didnt want to be married to him and I know deep down he provided for us and as she had no where to go, it was best for us to stay in the house etc.. but I just dont know how or why she didnt fight to see us - ok the phone was put down but why not go to court and fight

I wonder if your mum just didn't have the mental resources to cope with a court battle if she was having a breakdown. And twenty years ago how favourably would the courts have been to a mother who had walked out and didn't have a home? Fear might have been a driving factor.

I'm just guessing of course - who knows what really happened? My dad walked out when I was young and I spent a good deal of my early life wondering what happened and why he didn't bother getting in touch, or even trying to see me. Eventually when I did meet him I tried to have a relationship but it turned out he just wasn't capable of being a parent, and disappeared on me again. I don't see him now, but I also have no wish or need to see him. The time we did spend together answered lots of my questions and I don't think I'd be able to say that if I hadn't tried.

Why not go to court and fight? You were 16 and your brother 14, you were old enough to make up your own mind and could have if you wished sought her out and seen her.

Why did your mother stay in her marriage until you were 16, so that you were old enough and so that she didn't leave when you were small?

Why did you not seek her out? You were 16 and old enough to make your own choices? Did your mother think that because you didn't seek her out that meant you didn't want to have a relationship with her.

A court couldn't have made you see your mother, you were 16 an old enough to make up your own mind - even 20 years ago this would have been taken into account. What ould your mother have done to make you and your brother see her? Who did she need to fight with to keep her offspring? Did she need to keep fighting with your father?

Yes your mother left the marital home, but she did send you a card every year or the last twenty years - was she hoping perhaps. Did she ever orget a birthday? Did she ever forget a Christmas? Have you in the last twenty years ever tryed to contact your mother.

Just imagine for a minute your son is 16 and not 4, if he refused to talk to you and every time you telephoned you had the phone put down on you - how would you make an angry 16 year old talk to you, and at the same time you are having a mental breakdown. Often now when people have breakdowns they have family to support them, your mother didn't have that supoort by the sound of it.

SORRY FOR CAPS BUT EASY TO ANSWER YR QUESTIONS LIKE THIS

Why not go to court and fight? You were 16 and your brother 14, you were old enough to make up your own mind and could have if you wished sought her out and seen her. MY MOTHER LEFT AND DID NOT CALL FOR over 2 WEEKS, SHE WOULD NOT TELL US WHERE SHE WAS OR WHO SHE WAS WITH. MY BROTHER WAS HYSTERICAL AND YES WE WERE 14 AND 16 BUT NOT OF TODAY'S STANDARDS...IT WAS A VERY CONFUSING TIME. LOOKING BACK WE WERE VERY IMATURE...IT WAS A TIME WHEN DIVORCE WASNT THAT COMMON WITH MY FRIENDS PARENTS ETC..

Why did your mother stay in her marriage until you were 16, so that you were old enough and so that she didn't leave when you were small? I UNDERSTAND WHY SHE LEFT, SHE WAS MARRIED AT 17, SHE WAS A SAHM, SHE FELL OUT OF LOVE, SHE DIDNT WANT TO BE MARRIED ANYMORE - I UNDERSTAND THAT BUT AT 14/16 YOU DONT ANAYLISE IT AS SUCH ALL YOU KNOW IS THAT YOUR MUM HAS GONE AND YOU DONT KNOW WHERE SHE IS.

Why did you not seek her out? You were 16 and old enough to make your own choices? Did your mother think that because you didn't seek her out that meant you didn't want to have a relationship with her. MY MOTHER LEFT AND DID NOT CALL FOR OVER 2 WEEKS, SHE WOULD NOT TELL US WHERE SHE WAS OR WHO SHE WAS WITH - AT 14/16 ALL YOU THINK IS YOUR MUM DOESNT WANT YOU EITHER.

A court couldn't have made you see your mother, you were 16 an old enough to make up your own mind - even 20 years ago this would have been taken into account. What ould your mother have done to make you and your brother see her? Who did she need to fight with to keep her offspring? Did she need to keep fighting with your father? I REALLY DONT THINK AT 14 AND 16 I COULD DECIDE....NOT ALL 14/16 YR OLDS ARE MATURE ENOUGH TO DEAL WITH THIS, MAYBE IN TODAYS SOCIETY BUT I KNOW THAT I WASNT. ALL YOU WANT IS YOUR MUM AND DAD BACK TOGETHER

Yes your mother left the marital home, but she did send you a card every year or the last twenty years - was she hoping perhaps. Did she ever orget a birthday? Did she ever forget a Christmas? Have you in the last twenty years ever tryed to contact your mother. YES SHE DID SEND CARDS BUT NOT EVERY YEAR... WERE THEY SENT AS GUILT??? OR DID SHE GENUINELY CARE? I NEVER FELT THE URGE TO CONTACT HER UNTIL NOW - DONT ASK ME WHY I JUST DONT KNOW. I SUPPOSE I CARVED OUT A LIFE FOR MYSELF AND GOT ON WITH IT - TO FORGET BLANKED OUT THE HURT

Just imagine for a minute your son is 16 and not 4, if he refused to talk to you and every time you telephoned you had the phone put down on you - how would you make an angry 16 year old talk to you, and at the same time you are having a mental breakdown. Often now when people have breakdowns they have family to support them, your mother didn't have that supoort by the sound of it.
MY MOTHER DID HAVE PEOPLE AROUND HER....

I APPRECIATE YOUR COMMENTS AND I DO SEE IF FROM THE "OTHER SIDE". I HAVE NO BITTERNESS TO WHY SHE LEFT IT WAS JUST THE WAY IT WAS DONE. MANY LIES ON HER SIDE. FACT IS SHE DID GO OFF WITH SOMEONE, TRIED TO HIDE IT AND MAKE OUT LIFE WAS SO UNBAREABLE LIVING WITH MY FATHER.

I UNDERSTAND SO MUCH MORE NOW BUT AGAIN WHEN YOU ARE A CHILD IT HURTS, IT FEELS LIKE A DEATH IN A WAY AND IM SORRY BUT NO MATTER WHAT AGE YOU ARE ITS THE WORSE THING ON EARTH WHEN YOU ARE IN THE MIDDLE OF A PARENTAL BREAK UP...I FELT AS THOUGH I LOST PART OF MY LIFE - I FAILED MY EXAMS, FLUNKED COLLEGE, HAD TO LITERALLY BRING UP MY BROTHER THROUGH THE LAST FEW YEARS OF SCHOOL, WHILST MY FATHER WORKED ALL HOURS TO KEEP US INTHE HOUSE AFTER HE HAD REMORTGAGE TO PAY MY MOTHER. IF YOU HAVENT EXPERIENCED SOMETHING LIKE THIS IN YOUR LIFE I DONT FEEL YOU HAVE A TRUE 100% UNDERSTANDING OF HOW IT FEELS.

WE ALL MAKE MISTAKES IN LIFE GOD KNOW IM NOT PERFECT. I THINK I WILL HAVE CLOSURE AS THE MORE AND MORE I WRITE THE BETTER I FEEL. AGAIN THANK YOU FOR YOUR COMMENTS

I was lucky my parents didn't divorce my mum died. So really I dont have the concept of how awful it would be to go through divorce. Glad you can find some closure on this and feel better about the situation.

What do you think your Mum should have done, Ilovecurry?

Given that her marriage was presumably - to her - intolerable. I have read on here many a time that it is better for children to be brought up by a lone parent than with two unhappy parents.

Many people I know (my own mum and sister included) have said that they had suffered for many years in an unhappy marriage before having an affair, and that relationship was the one thing that made them able to end their miserable marriage, not the thing that broke up an otherwise happy marriage.

The thing that strikes me most about your sad story is this:

You say the reason you haven't seen your Mum for twenty years is that she walked out. But actually, the reason you haven't seen her is that she left, and your father wouldn't allow you to see her. You could have had a relationship with her, but he put a stop to it. All the things you feel you missed out on - having your mum at your wedding and so on - could have happened were it not for him.

And yet you show no anger towards him?

It is true that your mother put her needs before yours by leaving. But I think it is highly likely that she had stayed for at least ten years longer than she would have liked to because she was putting your needs first.

But it seems to me that your father placed his need to punish your mother far higher than his children's needs.

I think they both let you down.

Ok so let's accept your mum was not the best, she let you and your brother down terribly and unforgivably. Fact.

But - if you can put that fact behind you for a moment, what is the best outcome for you now? What do you want to happen?

Would you like your mum to know who you have become or see your dd? Would you like to tell her how her actions affected you? Would you like to get to know who she is now? Would you regret it if she died before you had given her a chance to make some amends?

I'm not suggesting you forgive her but it does sound as if part of you wants something from her. So do what you deserve not what she deserves.

The thing is you can analyse this until the cows come home but the bottom line is that she is 70 and she won't live forever. And you don't want to end up with regrets that you can do nothing to resolve in the future because you missed your moment. A lot of time has passed, you're both different people - you won't get back the years you missed, you can't undo what she did, and you probably can't have a mother/daughter relationship, but you can have a relationship and begin to get to know her before it's too late.

Do you not think that if ilovecurry's mother really wanted to keep in contact with her children that she would have. She could have waited outside the house, she could have "accidentally" bumped into them in the street, she could have written them a letter (birthday cards were given to ilovecurry and her brother), and she could have met them in school.

Also if she is 70 now and she left you 20 years ago that would make her 50, that is not that young (unless I got some of the numbers wrong in which case I apologise).

Hassled and Slam - youre posts have hit home - youre so right - its wants best for ME.

My father never stopped us but like Ive said before it was a very, very confusing time. My mother contacted us as and when it suited. It wasnt consistant.

Its so difficult when you go to bed having to listen to your father crying in bed at night, or having to write a letter to school to excuse your brother as he's ill.

I think I made the decision, I felt let down, I felt abandoned.

But time has passed, I can forgive some bits but not all.

Its whats best for me.

TBH, I think you would be better talking this through with someone, you are still confussed and staying loyal to your father and not yourself. It may help saying these things outloud and may make you realsie that you need to be loyal to you.

Without meaning to sound funny, go back and read just your own posts, copy and paste them and put them all together on a word document and read what you have written and see if you can get some clarity of what you are covering.

Take care

Ilovecurry, but you said in your OP: "She did call but my Dad was very angry and always put the phone down on her and insisted we did."

Wouldn't you putting the phone down on her have given her the message that you didn't want to see her?

She might have decided that's all she deserved and given you what you appeared to want.

Then you say that your mum "said she tried to see us but he stopped it. "

In your last post you say:"My father never stopped us. "

Do you mean that you think your mother was lying when she says that she tried and your father stopped her?

Just reading what you have posted, I would be inclined to think that if your father was prepared to do something as cruel (to you) as insist you hang up on her when she phoned, given that you were longing for contact, then it was quite likely that your mother is telling the truth and he did stop her seeing you.

She would not be the first woman to attempt to break out of an unhappy marriage, and end up losing everything.

Obviously you have only heard one side of things - your father's. And as you say, it was a confusing time.

i think you are all being too generous to ilovecurrys mother

if a mother wants to see her child she can

if she is incarcerated or in a different continent then its difficult

still possible though

how desperate was she?

is she not just contacting ilovecurry cos she feels like shit

maybe she deserves to

I haven't read all the posts.

My DH's mother left home and her kids of 12, 10 and 8. She left for another man and hardly saw the kids despite staying in the same village. DH left home at 16 and lost contact with all his family for nigh on 20 years.

Over the last eight years he has made contact with his mum and his two sisters. His dad is now dead. He has rekindled a relationship with his mum, he started with lots of anger, guilt and questions. After the initial contact they did not see each other for a couple of years. Then he reapproached, with less anger, less questions and has managed to build a tentative relationship.

It might not be a relationship that runs by conventional mum/son lines - but she was missing for 20 years and they are both still re-inventing the wheel. The thing is that the less he has asked for and expected, the more questions that she has answered. He has sympathy for her escaping a violent and unhappy marriage and her paralysis in being unable to take her kids with her. But at the same time he is and will always be angry that she "deserted" him. The two positions can live together.

You will only get any resolution if you expect nothing and make no demands. Your pain lives in you and not in your mum.

Good luck and big hugs.

How about this...

How low would YOU have to feel as a mother to think that your children would be better off without you? (read a few of the mental health threads...it is a common feeling in mother's who are deeply depressed)

What do we really know about our parent's marriages? You love your dad to bits - but maybe he was not a great husband and she was not a great wife (read the relationsahip threads..again very common). You say you KNOW he wasn't violent - but there are many other reasons why marriages fail. You say your mother had an affair and walked out. But how many happily married and fulfilled people have affairs abd leave home. Some but not lots. Many people who leave their families are truely despairing of their lives.

If you were in the depths of a breakdown and plucked up courage to phone the home and children you had abandonned - and had the phone put down on you by your husband AND BY YOUR CHILDREN then perhaps your descent into bitterness would be quite fast.

And you say your dad has done all he could for you - BUT he told you to put the phone down on your mother. He was not able to ensure that whatever his feelings about her that there was some contact between you. You got some birthdays and Christmas cards so she was thinking of you. Did she put her tel number or address in them? Could you have phoned her if you wanted?

The lone parent threads on here often illustrate how angry the partner left behind feels and the rage they feel against the one who has left. There is even talk of not letting absent partners have contact with their children because it upsets them etc etc. Your mother DID try and keep contact after she left - but was rebuffed.

I do think that some acts are difficult to forgive and understand but many years have passed and you are now an adult and can make adult decisions.

Do what is right for you and your family - you are not responsible for the happiness of your mother OR your father.

this isn't the same....but my dad left when i was a baby. it's been 30 years with no contact, no news (he left the country and stopped contact with everyone he knew here)....he got in touch with me last year and in November we met. We hadn't discussed the why's via e-mail - he wanted to do it face to face.

It is too complicated to explain now the ins and outs but basically - i have had my mum and dad's side of the story (i call my step-dad my dad) and i have B (my real dad's side)......some of the things B told me were a shock, but made me view some events from my past differently. It made me view my difficult relationship with my parents in a new light. It has been emotionally quite hard for me.

What i have discovered through soul searching is that i will never know the truth. I will know what they tell me to be their perceived truth, either one of them could be telling me lies.

So i have taken this chance to develop a relationship with B.....i have to leave all the stuff from the past, a past i was too small to have any memory of, i have to leave that to one side. I have thought how i would feel if he never came into my life, and the not knowing was awful.
Only you can decide what level of contact you have with your mother. I have made most of my contact with B via e-mail. do you think communicating with your mother in writing would help.