Just spoke to my Mother today after 20 years - Im not sure how I feel (Long) just need to write this down

[Ilovecurry]

My Mother walked out and left me and my younger brother when we were 16 and 14.

She divorced my father and said "we were better being with him". She did call but my Dad was very angry and always put the phone down on her and insisted we did. There were rumors that she had met someone else etc...

I had to grow up quick, look after and protect my brother and get him through school whilst sort myself out aswell. I felt upset, confused and loyal to my Father - having to listen to him crying in bed at night was heart wrenching.

As time went on we just got on with life so to speak - we always go birthday/christmas cards.

I got married had my son 4 years ago and yesterday it was my birthday, I got my mothers card with her tel number in it this time - not sure why I did it or how I came to do it but I called her.

She seemed shocked and quite bitter particularly towards my Dad. She asked if we could meet, I daid I wasnt sure and she immediately said "Are you frightened of your father".

I never wanted to upset my DAd he was hurting so much and at the young age of 16 all you know is that your Mum's not there - just when I have my first boyfriend, marriage, miscarriage, son - my Mother wasnt there.

She said I sounded angry - I tried to explain that I was a very young 16 when she left, I lost part of my life, my career through staying at home to protect my brother and Dad etc...

She seemed very bitter about my Dad and said she tried to see us but he stopped it she said she should of perhaps gone to court to force it but didnt want to upset us anymore. She will be 70 this year, she has arthiritus, she sounds frail - she spoke about forgiveness and putting things right before she dies.

I feel upset, angry, bitter, loyal to my Father but have always missed my Mother/having my Mother there when I needed her.

The conversation ended with her saying "We will leave it there" I told her to let me know when she was coming to my town (she doesnt live here now)and that was it. I just dont know how I feel.

why is your "having to write a letter to school to excuse your brother as he's ill " the fault of your mother?

Your father was in the home, an adult. Why don't you resent him for being unable to do things like that and leaving it all to you?

Marriages go wrong all the time, sadly. And if a marriage breaks up, one partner leaves the marital home.

When children are involved, it is up to both the parents to make the separation as easy as possible for the children.

Check out any of the threads on here, where women are devastated because their husbands have left them for other women. I have not read one yet that does not say words to the effect of: "I hate him for what he has done to me, but I love my children and it will damage them if I do not let them see him, so I have to grit my teeth and put up with it." And rightly so.

Your father did not let you see your mother and lo! You are damaged. YES it's her fault, but it's his too.

(gagarin - good point... a woman I considered a friend, and was a wonderful mother, a couple of years ago decided her children were better off without her. She killed herself.)

In some ways It can be freudian the way a young daughter will take the role of mother and also mother the father. So the writing the letter for school for the younger brother had become her duty in this confuesed world after her mother had left the home. To keep everything together was felt to be on her shoulders regardless of who was actually the adults in the house and who were the children.

What makes me sad is that the op has heard her father dry for the loss of his wife, but the op hasn't heard the mother crying for the loss of her children - does that make sense. Her mother has grieved aswell but due to it being hiden away no one knows the pain of the mother.

Unlike Ballonslayers friend's dc op has a second chance.

i see what a lot of you are saying but still...

i dont see that the ops mum made nearly enough effort...maybe i am reading it wrong

As a mother I'd take them with me whatever

Im listening and taking all comments on board. IvyKary you are spot on with the letter writing /I felt I had to grow up big time and protect my brother and make it alright for him aswell as doing this for my Father....daughters instinct maybe?

I take on board "no hearing the cry of my Mother" but coupled with no contact for 2 weeks, wouldnt say who she was with, lies etc... All I can say again is at that age its an overwhelming feeling of abandonment especially as all you hear from people at the time is "What your Mother left you, how could she", etc...

Thank you all for your views, help, advice - This is why I love MN - you dont know me so will say what you see - most of my friends are I supposed are to worried to say what they think in fear of upsetting me. Thank you once again I am a little clearer of where I should go with this

Ilovecurry - that it interesting that actually the comments "gosh your mother left you, how awlful" componded your feelings of abandonment and made matters worse - where as I expcpect they never realised that the comments they were making would cause you so much pain and for so long.

In someways this matter being taboo and the comments from others have driven a wedge between two people - you and your mother.

If you can find it in yourself to sort the feelings out that you have and push aside the feelings of society, your father and "people at that time" you may see much further that it is thoses issues that have come between you.

There is a story in the bible (I am not religious in any way) the story is about two woman. One woman has a baby and the other is baran. Well the baran woman takes the baby from the mother and wants the baby as her own. There is a row over who the babies mother really is and the two woman have to go to the village elders. The village elders say that they will chop the baby in half and give each other to each woman, as they dont know who the real mother is. The mother then tells the elders to give the baby whole to the other woman and she can bring up the baby.

Ilovecurry - My mum left when I was just 13, and I can relate to a lot of your feelings. I heard my dad cry, I looked after younger siblings - and tbh after a while I didn't really want her back as I was so angry about her leaving and hurting my dad, and I'd kind of taken on this grown up role that I didn't want to give up.

At the time I completely couldn't understand her actions - I was upset, angry, confused, abandoned... Now as an adult I can see she was depressed, she'd married at 19, she'd fallen out of love - but at the time I couldn't see it as about her or her marriage or her mental health, I just saw it as her destroying my family and everything that was safe to me, and leaving me.

I was lucky that despite his hurt and anger, my dad did facillitate us seeing our mum, even though I refused at first. She called and spoke to us every night, picked us up from school some afternoons, saw us on the weekends. And we have a great relationship now. Maybe if my dad had been more negative about her and disrupted contact, and she'd not been willing/able to go to court (as your mum may not have been if she had limited funds and was in the middle of a breakdown) we would have ended up losing contact.

I think now, with your mum aging, I would try to put the past behind you and make the most of the time you have left.

gosh i am a lot more bitter than other mother - abandoned women on here.. i was left with a abusive father and my mother was also abusive when she lived with us

ilovecurry prob best to listen to the more conciliatory posters x

Ilovecurry I think it would be a mistake to talk to your dad before making your decision - you already know his opinion and it contributed to 20 years of separation from your mum. I think it would be best if you made your own mind up now you are no longer a child.

thankyou for this thread,

i have no personal experience but i have a close friend who does,

this has helped me see things in a different light

Tankie - you understand dont you? just reading your post it was as if you were me.

I think I will write to my mother...and explain a few things. Try and speak a few more times on the phone and take it easy - then if it feels right, will meet up.

I just find it hard to believe how much time has gone by 20 years!!!!! It was like it was yesterday.

I really hope things work out for you!

Ilovecurry - you say it is like it was yesterday.

Try and remember emotionally it really is yesterday.

What I mean is that your emotional relationship with your mother stopped when you were 16. What that might mena is that when/if you start speaking or communicating wiht your mother the "16 year old you" may come rushing back to the surface. So don't be surprised to feel/act all teenagery around her again - you remember? Easily offended, very judgemental, a trifle arrogant, very emotional, lots of rows.....

Good luck and take it slowly.

Keep reminding yourself you are not 16 anymore !!!

Just got back from a week away. I thought I may have had a message from my Mum as I made the first move but nothing. Do I call again and if so what do I say to kick start the conversation - last time we spoke she ended the conversation by saying "We'll leave it here, Im going to say goodbye now"