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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

I feel like a teenager to be asking but.....

34 replies

hmmmmmmmmmmmm · 04/02/2009 19:40

I've been seeing a nice man for a while, taking it slowly because of past disasters for both of us, but things going very well.

We haven't slept together. I've told him I just don't feel ready and he says that's OK FTB.

We're going to a party in a couple of weeks time (yes a real life grown up party!!) and it would actually work out quite a bit cheaper to share a hotel room, than a cab home.

He has said he'd love to do the hotel thing because he just wants the opportunity to be alone with me in private (family circs mean we don't get that often)and that he'll just hold me if that's all I want. And I have to admit it sounds lovely, but...?

OP posts:

Wilkiepedia · 04/02/2009 19:40

But what?

harleyd · 04/02/2009 19:41

but what??

Ivykaty44 · 04/02/2009 19:44

hmm, just holding you - hmm "yeh right"

You do and go along with what you want to do. DONT have a shared bed unless you want to sleep with him. If, if he doesn't like that then tough titty. You get cab home if you want.

If you want to sleep with him in all the senses, then go for ait and enjoy

LadyOfWaffle · 04/02/2009 19:44

Can you get a twin room instead of a double if you feel uncomfortable?

Wilkiepedia · 04/02/2009 19:45

But she hasn't explained what she is not happy about.......

mamas12 · 04/02/2009 19:48

IMO if you go for a double room room/bed then you have made your mind up haven't you. If you really aren't sure get a cab or seperate rooms. I don't htink the 'holding' thing will work from my post experiences anyway!!

Original poster

hmmmmmmmmmmmm · 04/02/2009 19:59

Yes that's just it Wilki and Harley, I'm not exactly sure.

-I not sure it's fair on him
-Suspect he's saying that, but hopes to change my mind
-Part of me wants to see if he means it
-Part of me knows that once I've had a drink I might be more "ready" than I like to let on to myself
-But, if I feel like I was manipulated into doing something I'd previously said I didn't want to do, I'll be mightily annoyed, to the extent that it could ruin things between us and I really don't want that?

I am a silly dithery little girl

OP posts:

hobbgoblin · 04/02/2009 20:07

I'd say don't stay in the hotel if you aren't gonna shag tbh.

As a female I'd be hoping for a shag if a man agreed to spend the night in a hotel with me and we were having a relationship. That is, unless we had agreed to long term celibacy or no sex before marriage.

In fact, is there any reason not to shag?

macdoodle · 04/02/2009 20:09

god just sleep with him
sex is good sex is fun sex is healthy
my NM came down to see me for the first time - he stayed in a hotel (my DC) - we made lots of plans what we were going to do/things to see/places to go etc - we made it for a coffee and then pretty much spent the rest of the week in the hotel room

Original poster

hmmmmmmmmmmmm · 04/02/2009 20:15

LOL Hobb, not really, other than that I'm an old fashioned girl

Actually, also past experience shows it can be a lot better, for longer if you made them wait a while. It's also a way of finding out why/if they really like you? Or was that just a vicious rumour my Dad fed me?

OP posts:

catMandu · 04/02/2009 20:18

I've fallen for that one before, infact my first h fed me that line. Needless to say I was so impressed by him being a gentleman that I ended up sleeping with him - he told me much later in our relationship that was exactly what he was hoping.

Book two rooms, if you are not absolutely sure you want to sleep with him.

AnyFuckerForAValentine · 04/02/2009 20:19

fgs, just roger him within an inch of his life

runforyourlife · 04/02/2009 20:19

You clearly have doubts about sleeping with him, probably, as you say, because of 'past disasters'.
If you're not ready don't put yourself in the difficult situation of sharing a room with him as it will probably add to the problem.
On this occassion, get a cab home and make plans to stay in a hotel when you're ready to make full use of it!

hobbgoblin · 04/02/2009 20:25

Hmm well, I wouldn't exactly take my advice I must admit, but...

to me it seems a little forced not to. I agree waiting beyond first to third date is probably a good idea in terms of having more to your relationship than sex but beyond that I think is unnecessary.

NAB09 · 04/02/2009 20:27

I must be getting old. Sleeping with someone after 3 dates seems awfully quick to me.

hobbgoblin · 04/02/2009 20:37

does it? I may be a slapper.

NAB09 · 04/02/2009 20:43

Not at all. I am just an old been married for ages girl!

Wilkiepedia · 04/02/2009 22:04

Hmmmm - I would say that you sound unsure, you obviously have personal reasons for this so I wouldn't put myself in a situation if you feel uncomfortable. Couldn't you have separate rooms OR as someone else suggested, twin beds?

He sounds like a nice bloke to care how you feel, I hope you can work through it. Sex with someone you care about it wonderful and I think you need to relax a little however, I don't know your background so only you can make the decision of when you are ready.

Me, I sleep with them on the second date

lessonlearned · 05/02/2009 00:52

Sorry to be very honest here but - what about your needs?
A lot of us have sexual needs that have to be fulfilled, Some don't, and that's ok too. If you are an established couple with different needs then there are a lot of considerations but.... you are getting to know each other - surely he want's to know what your needs are?
He doesn't need mixed messages so have that conversation if you want to keep things platonic - if not tell him you are going toshag his brains out - I would!!!!

namehelp · 05/02/2009 01:27

OP DH and I stayed a whole weekend just cuddling getting to know each other and trust one another, when we first met. We had both just come out of bad relationships.
We had twin beds so I had a choice of where to sleep. Both nights I slept with him.
Perfectly do-able.

Mind you the next weekend was quite a different story.

kenty · 05/02/2009 11:25

i'm a fairly new mn,but one thing that is shocking on most threads i've read,is just how much damage and baggage we all carry from past relationships or present ones for that matter,be it with our other halves or family members,me included! i'm just wondering,don't all eat me alive,if its not about time we all had a bit more of the attitude who cares lets just be happy right now,i'm not saying you don't have genuine reservations about sleeping together,but i believe we are here just the once lets enjoy x

aseriouslyblondemoment · 05/02/2009 12:43

Hmmmmmmmmmmmmm,
would say if not sure then go for separate rooms
that way if you do or don't want any action then you can decide
personally if i was to spend the nite out with a man who i was seeing and including the whole hotel thing then i'd share a room
he might actually be a real gent
they are out there hard to believe but true!
i have managed to share a bed with men i've liked/been seeing but tbh there was no action as we were both knack'd/pissed oh dear!

AllFallDown · 05/02/2009 13:37

Man here ...
Staggered that you all believe sharing a room must inevitably lead to sex. Blimey. Unless you're working on the assumption that he doesn't understand the concept of no means no. If you want to spend the night being held, tell him you'll share a hotel room on that basis.

aseriouslyblondemoment · 05/02/2009 14:40

nah i dont
ive bed shared with men and it hasn't but was pissed/knackd mostly
thou can think of one nice occasion where we just held each other and talked
yes it can happen Hmmmmmmm

AnyFuckerForAShiteSoppyCard · 05/02/2009 20:26

I can honestly say I have never shared a bed with a man without shagging him

(except dh of course)

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