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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Men- can you really only be "just friends" with an attractive woman?

43 replies

Amberlilli · 07/04/2005 18:32

Honestly, can a man really only be friends with a woman and not have one tiny sexual thought/fantasy?

OP posts:
Original poster
Amberlilli · 07/04/2005 18:43

No men out there?

OP posts:
crunchie · 07/04/2005 19:11

Well I like to think my husband can. He is an actor and meets loads of attractive women and is friends with some of them, but he says he can't stand the thought of them in that way as they are all far too neurotic.

However I think it is unreasonable to expect him not to have one tiny thought/fantasy, men simply think like that. Doesn't mean hey will act on it.

I was at wrk the other day in a lowish cut top and my boss and co-worker both mentioned it - we all had a laugh TBH. Now I am sure the 'thought' crossed their minds, they said as much, but there is no reality in it.

QueenEagle · 07/04/2005 19:18

I'm not a man but know even though my dh wouldn't stray, he always makes a comment or has that look on his face if he sees someone attractive when we are out together. I do the same and we both regard it as a bit of harmless fun. Some may think it weird but better that than jealously wondering if he fancies the girl behind the bar but not mentioning it. Him saying that he does fancy her makes it easier iyswim?

I think it's healthy and expected. Whilst they could be friends I think it's virtually impossible not to have thoughts etc...Don't women do the same?? I know I do

Original poster
Amberlilli · 07/04/2005 19:52

How would you feel if your dh/dp was exchanging "friendly" e-mails with a woman?
Would there be anything in it?

OP posts:
crunchie · 07/04/2005 20:01

Obviously you want us to reassure about about a particular thing. I would say yes my dh could exchange friendly emails, but I don't know the content

morningpaper · 07/04/2005 20:02

I don't think anyone need worry about "one tiny sexual thought/fantasy."

Gobbledigook · 07/04/2005 20:12

My dh is a major flirt and I bet he fancies a couple of the girls he works with but I feel confident he won't act on it - it's natural to 'fancy' other people I think but still remain totally faithful to your partner.

Original poster
Amberlilli · 07/04/2005 20:18

Thanks all for your reassurance!

OP posts:
lou33 · 07/04/2005 20:19

Am comfortable enough in my relationship with dh to know he looks, it doesn't bother me at all, and secure enough to know he wouldn't touch. It sounds a bit smug but I don't mean it to be. Dh however is always worried I am going to do a runner with a newer model!

TinyGang · 07/04/2005 20:34

I think perhaps a certain frisson is quite normal and passes the day nicely as long as no-one takes it all too far, or too seriously.

Just smiling at lou's reference to a younger model. Was it Warren Beatty who (jokingly?!) said he wanted to exchange his wife for two 20's when she hit 40. I thought this was quite witty until I hit 40...! Dh says he wouldn't btw

HappyDaddy · 08/04/2005 07:46

My dw knows I look and I know she looks, it doesn't mean we think anyone is better than our dp's though.
I have a very close friend, who is gorgeous. There's plenty of banter and stuff but I've never thought of her as anything but my friend.

If a man doesn't tell his dp/dh about an attractive female friend or lies about the conversations they have, then I doubt that it's a platonic relationship.

DaddyCool · 08/04/2005 09:49

yes, i think it is very possible. i've worked with primarily women all my working life and many of them very attractive. i find that at first your caveman instinct kicks in and you think Pwooooar! but then that wears off very quickly and they are just another colleague. I work with three very attractive women currently and i really don't think of them in that way.

Janos · 08/04/2005 10:32

Yes, I think they can Amberlilli.

MY DP gets on very well with women as friends but I think it's to do with him having a very good reltionship with his mum, IYSWIM.

I think initially there is that fancying thing going on but then it just passes. If I'm being honest, I'm the same with men.

Janos · 08/04/2005 10:36

HappyDaddy is right, Amberlilli. I think if someone was keeping things secret, it might be a cause for worry.

Original poster
Amberlilli · 08/04/2005 21:20

This isn't a work colleague it's an ex-girlfriend.

OP posts:
kama · 08/04/2005 21:31

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

CarrieG · 08/04/2005 21:33

How would he react if you were swapping emails with one of your exes?

Not assuming it's right or wrong to do so - it depends entirely on the kind of relationship you have - but if he'd not be best pleased, then maybe there's something a bit shifty going on - whereas if you can honestly imagine him being perfectly relaxed about it, then it's more likely to be an innocent friendship on HIS part...?

lou33 · 08/04/2005 21:41

dh is exchanging emails with an ex, they are arranging to meet this month

lavenderrr · 08/04/2005 21:48

women can be the same

Original poster
Amberlilli · 09/04/2005 09:20

Lou33.
Why are they arranging to meet?
Have you been invited?

OP posts:
fostermum · 09/04/2005 10:43

what would you think if it wasnt only emails but txts and calls to mobile too, plus work, home and mob number stored on his phone, and chatting on msn,? told there only friends but lock now on phone so it cant be checked and p.c got a code?

ootslooJ · 09/04/2005 10:46

fo esruoc yeht nac

fostermum · 09/04/2005 10:49

pardon?

ootslooJ · 09/04/2005 10:56

I dais - "fo esruoc yeht nac"

lou33 · 09/04/2005 12:13

because they want to, i can go if i want, she may even come to our house, don't mind either way. He can meet her alone if he likes.