Feeling guilty for not loving dh anymore

[dominiccooperswife]

I'm at my wits end and am desperately unhappy in my marriage. We've had no closeness (except a 3 monthly shag) for years. Neither of us have worked at the relationship and we've completely grown apart. We've been together for 19 yrs and the past 2 have been the most damaging.

He's not abusive but is very critical and controlling. I always felt we should stay together for the sake of the children but a few months ago they both started showing signs that they were troubled by the lack of love in the relationship. My ds aged 4 asked me out of the blue why does daddy hate you? And my ds aged 7 has been really insecure and overprotective of me and angry towards dh.

I've asked him to leave because we're making each other unhappy and it's all affecting the dc's. He agreed but then changed his mind saying if only I wasn't so miserable we could change things. I've told him I'm unhappy, that I don't love him and can't seem to change the way I feel. I'm racked with guilt that he's hanging on when I don't want to and I'm not sure what to do. It's grinding me down. And I'm terrified of the effects on my lovely ds's either way. Sorry for long and very moany post

is your screen-name his name. If it is I think that it is possibly dodgy ground to be naming him.

Would you be prepared to try counselling of some description or do you genuinely feel that you have reached the end of the road in your relationship ?

No dominic cooper starred in mamma mia and I am unfortunately not married to him! Dh and I have been to relate 4 times but it left me feeling very distant from him and made me want to leave even more. He claims he was unaware how bad things were and wants to stay and work things out even tho he doesn't think things can change. He told me yesterday he feels things are dead between us and he can't stand me most of the time

If you felt you could love him again, would you stay?

Yes I would because I want to keep the family together. But I also want to be happy and I want my kids to see me happy and I worry about what we're teaching them about love. I'm rambling

I thought I didn't love my husband years ago. I think he still loved me.

We are still together, albeit going through a tough time atm, but I love him so much and I am very lucky that he loves me.

What got it back on track? Our problem is that neither of us have looked after our rel since having the kids. We've been out twice together as a couple in 8 years fgs! I know it's not just about going out but we never spend an evening together at home either. We're totally seperate so it's hard to know where to start

We have been out for dinner twice in 8 years too. We try and have a night away once a year on our own though.

My head was off in la-la land and seeing DH look so sad and saying he assumed he would need a solicitor brought me to my senses tbh.

I have put him through crap and am totally ashamed. I love him so much. I am just an idiot. Sometimes I wish he could stop being my DH and be just my best friend for 5 minutes but I was kind of using MN to sound off.

I'm not suprised you've stopped loving him, he looks like a frog.

dcw You okay?

I think tinker is trying to be funny.

Yes thanks - just getting ds's to bed. Back in a bit

It sounds like you understand that your lack of time on your relationship is at the root of the way you feel - Christ, if you've only been out alone together twice in 8 years it's no wonder you're feeling the way you do.

You need to sit down togther and agree some ground rules that you'll both agree to, i.e. Some couple time once a week - that doesn't have to mean going out - what about dinner together and the chance to talk with the tv off?

Do you have a babysitter you can rely on - make the effort to go out, even just for a drink, every 2 weeks.

What about a joint hobby?

The more time you spend together as a couple and not just mum & dad, the easier it will be for you to see whether you want to be togther and what else you need to do to get there.

Yes, ignore me, making jokes for my own amusement here. Sorry.

Some of that is the same as my situation. Do you think it would help/matter if you DID go out together as a couple? People asked me that but when I thought about it, I actually didnt WANT to go out as a couple cos my feelings were/are dead. It hit me over Christmas when we went out, we stayed at a hotel and went for a meal and it did nothing for me except make me sad at the realisation

I have asked my DH to move out to give us room and space to think, I find it hard to work it out while we are still living as if nothing is wrong. I think time apart might make us realise the things that are wrong, he too says its ME who is miserable and makes everyone else unhappy, but it was HIM who has done things to make me unhappy.

Dont worry about a long moaning post, it helps to get it all out on here and thats what we are all here for!!!

Pinkfox sorry I wasn't ignoring you I wasn't able to post again last night. I can relate to what you said about the realisation that the love is gone. Once I truly saw that I couldn't go on pretending anymore and I started to get really low.
Are things any better for you?

Dont worry DCW wasnt expecting replies, I just offload on here and it helps to know other people are in similar situations (although would be nice if we weren't!).

Im still in my "washing machine head" mode, a million thoughts spinning round, I feel guilty for feeling this way, so I try to pretend everything is fine, but then I get mad with myself because I want and deserve to be happy and not feel this way

Im scared of being the bad person who is gonna mess our family up (although in reality it is HE who has done this by his lying and deceit over the years which have led to my unhappiness).

I keep racking my brains trying to think of ways to "snap out" of it and I have now spoken to a friend in RL who cant believe i have lived this way for so long. She said the lies and deceit (which are constant and ongoing) would have been enough for her to leave, which made me think im not actually being OTT and unreasonable.

I guess im trying to justify my thinking, as ive said before its not an affair and he isnt violent but there were/are other issues which we've tried to resolve sooooooooooo many times and now im just all out of trying I think. I too am terrified of what it would all mean for our 2 DC, what is all this going to do to them, im so scared

DCW - so how are things with you?? x

I know what you mean - my RL friends can't believe I've put up with being unhappy for so long for the sake of my kids. That's the difficult bit for me, putting my happiness first although it's become easier after me realising that kids need to see their parents happy and resolving conflict at least sometimes. Mine never do. They either see bickering, silence, separateness but no closeness, fun or real warmth between us. It makes me so sad because all those things were once there.

We've tried many times to talk the issues thru but can't seem to connect anymore. It's just not there. I wish I could shake myself or flick a switch or something but I can't. I'm obviously a crap actress because trying to hide it from the dc's hasn't worked either.

The stage we're at is that I've been honest about how I feel. Until today I had no real response and now dh says he'll change, he'll do anything to stay but I really don't think he can. He's become a negative, bitter and angry person and is so set in his ways. My feeling is that he gives to the kids and to himself 101% but there's no room for me or for us as a couple (he agreed with me when I pointed this out to him). It all feels too late.

I too am wondering if I am being "selfish" for wanting things to be different, although I am trying to think of a solution to suit everyone and in my clearer moments I KNOW he is unhappy too. Over the last couple of years he has done things to put me in this position and every time I told him over and over that we would end up miserable and that it made my feelings die a bit more every time he lied to me or every time he was deceitful, and now here we are and he doesnt accept why.

I worry because when I think about it, although I feel a deep, deep sadness, I dont actually feel emotional to the point where im a crying wreck (which my RL thought I would be when we talked!). The only thing which makes me cry is what I will be doing to the children, like I am wholy responsible for the affects on everyone else, even to the point of worrying about our extended families, in laws and siblings, etc.

I too am the same in that our DC dont see us laughing or cuddling (as we used to), then I get worried and sick to my stomach about IF they are picking up on it, how thats affecting them, so all round dont feel like I can win either way?? Those things just used to be "there", we didnt have to try, it was just there.

And, like you say, he and I dont seem to connect anymore, to the point where I dont even feel I can bring this up with him. I am thinking I will try and talk to him at weekend and all I can do is be honest but how do I do this without being mean or causing upset - the answer, I prob cant.

When your DH said he will change, do anything to stay, were you thinking to yourself "but actually I dont want you to, its gone past that"???

Just wondering as I think my DH may say the same, although in previous weeks he threw back at me that we havent been a "normal married couple" since we got married (5 years ago), he said things havent been "right" between us since then, so to me, he has been living a lie and a miserable life for that time too. His only other comment was "we will have to sell the house".

I have tried to make a half-way solution saying that if he was to move out maybe time and space apart might make things clearer to see where we've gone wrong, to see if we can get anything back, but then it may prove to be perm and I think thats why he's totally against this, yet he cant come up with any other solutions???

I can tell how sad you feel from your last comment:

It all feels too late.

I feel exactly the same though, I just feel like any more trying or changing is just hitting brick walls, it seems the only way to go now is forward, although I desperately wish it wasnt, I feel we have to be apart

I posted on here in a similar vein a while back, and go so many heart-warming replies from lovely women who had put their relationships back on track.

What came through in all of them though, was that it takes work. You have to really WANT to work it out, for your own sake.

And its not about talking so much, as doing. Caring for each other, doing the litte things, making time.

If you really don't love him, thats a tough one. But even if you think you might, 19 years is worth the effort.

I woder if this is a matter of men who think that 'wife' equals 'not a person'. Lots of men seem to think that it's fine to ignore their wife's misery, that as long as she keeps doing the washing and the cooking and they can get sex occasionally, everything's fine. And TBH quite a lot of men are content to do without the sex as long as the domestic servicing keeps up (howwever much they might complain and threaten to go elsewhere, they can;t really be bothered to).

I would say that generally when one partner treats the other with actual contempt, the relationship is dead, because you can;t live with someone who is contemptuous of you.

Your replies are all really helping me to try and clarify things and to know I'm not alone.
Pinkfox- yes I do think actually I don't want him to try I think because I feel unable to reciprocate and that just compounds my guilt. Sadly, if it'd been a couple of years ago I would have been able to respond and I still felt alot of love for him even though we didn't show it.
I've been wondering whether if he made an effort and things were more amicable I might be able to live without loving him for the dc's sake. But what worries me is that all the stuff I've read talks about the damage that does to children because they're affected by it now and in their adult lives. Maybe the love might come back? Does that happen and how does it happen?

Thats what I keep thinking/hoping will happen, that the love or whatever is missing will come back, but thats how we've been living (existing) for the last 2-3 years (or 4-5 according to him), I keep thinking give it more time but how much time is too much, are we just wasting time being unhappy???

What do we do best for our DC, do we stay together in a loveless relationship which might damage the DC or do we part and deal with damage this might cause the DC?!?!? I cant see a great solution either way???

I also dont even want him to say he will try to change or make things work if im totally honest cos "been there done that" over the years and nothing has ever changed, thats how it started, things not being right and us trying to change to make them right, that led me to think it would be something id have to put up with and learn to live with, cos no relationship is ever perfect.

And then on top of that way of thinking, over the years he has lied and deceived me, causing financial and emotional problems which I told him when they happened, many times, but nothing changed. I think that is how I feel about him and myself, thats what changed.

But you know what, it isnt against the law to change the way you feel, shit happens as they say and sometimes relationships just dont work out, for a million reasons. Thats how I think about it when im being rational but other times it doesnt seem "good enough" to cause upset and pain????

we have been living without much love or respect for each other, purely through love for our children, I think for that reason we love each other. But the other dynamics, living together, talking, nights out, sex, there is none. Ive gone past trying, I dont even want to anymore, although I know he would be willing to and at the moment, he is trying really hard to be nice to me which is just pissing me off even more TBH.

Is it just me or is this such a roller coaster??? I know the only way to get off the ride is to talk to him about it but he seems to be the only person I cant talk to - WHY????

I think if your DHs have repeatedly lied to you and pursued their own selfish agendas without worrying about the effect on you and the DC, it is perfectly reasonable for you not to feel loving towards them any more. WHy should you love someone who has repeatedly treated you like an idiot and a convenience, who'se opninons and feelings don't matter very much?

Solidgold you're right in what you say. I haven't really been lied to it's been a growing apart for us followed by put downs and criticism and controlling behaviour which dh does not really acknowledge.
Pinkfox I can empathise with you so much. I haven't got the energy to put anything into it anymore and what's making me feel guilty is that he suddenly has.
I worked a night shift last night and when I got up he'd prepared the tea and painted the bathroom and then has just phoned me from work for a response! I told him that of course I was pleased he'd done those things but that it's never been about what he does or doesn't do around the house it's about how we treat and feel about each other. He argued that he's trying to show me he cares which is a fair point but you know what it just makes me feel guilty and more distant.

"He told me yesterday he feels things are dead between us and he can't stand me most of the time" This is not a good basis for a relationship, you obviously feel the same about him and this situation is affecting your children.

I am a product of a similar relationship to yours. At 34 I have a string of broken relationships behind me, several of which have been pretty damaging. I have decided to stay single rather than put my children through another bad relationship. My relationship role models were my parents, they disliked each other, had no respect for each other, stayed together "for the children". I wish they hadn't.

If you don't get out, your children will never learn what a healthy relationship is like. You are their role models, do you really want them to grow up to have relationships like yours?

relationship rules to live by

He did say those things but he also told me he loved me deep down even tho there's no closeness between us. I think I know what it's doing to the children. I can remember growing up in an atmosphere of tension and arguments at home and it was dreadful. Dh and I have stopped arguing and have been in a silent phase for months and that's when I realised there was nothing left except habit and history between us.
He acknowledges it but is clinging on. I think if he said yes ok it's for the best to separate I'd feel great sadness but also huge relief