Feeling guilty for not loving dh anymore

[dominiccooperswife]

I'm at my wits end and am desperately unhappy in my marriage. We've had no closeness (except a 3 monthly shag) for years. Neither of us have worked at the relationship and we've completely grown apart. We've been together for 19 yrs and the past 2 have been the most damaging.

He's not abusive but is very critical and controlling. I always felt we should stay together for the sake of the children but a few months ago they both started showing signs that they were troubled by the lack of love in the relationship. My ds aged 4 asked me out of the blue why does daddy hate you? And my ds aged 7 has been really insecure and overprotective of me and angry towards dh.

I've asked him to leave because we're making each other unhappy and it's all affecting the dc's. He agreed but then changed his mind saying if only I wasn't so miserable we could change things. I've told him I'm unhappy, that I don't love him and can't seem to change the way I feel. I'm racked with guilt that he's hanging on when I don't want to and I'm not sure what to do. It's grinding me down. And I'm terrified of the effects on my lovely ds's either way. Sorry for long and very moany post

Hi DCW, how are things today?

Do you think he was trying to say he loves you but is not "in love" with you? I think thats the hard part is when you dont actually hate someone but you cant live with them or feel close to them either, thats how im feeling. Maybe he is struggling with his feelings too??

DH and I dont argue either, so its not like this is going to come to a head for me, although I am being quite sharp with him cos its taking a lot of effort to keep my feelings to myself (whilst I work them out in my head).

The line you wrote "nothing left except habit and history" kind of sums things up too, thats what I think is keeping us together, my H and I, as may be the case with your relationship. I havent had the conversation with him like you have so its not like I know whether he is just clinging on, although im my head I have decided that he is, hence the "lets not talk about it" atmosphere in our house, if we avoid it we dont have to face it but its a killer.

I have said to my H that I felt we could only see if our relationship would work if we separated for a while, whether it be a week or month or whatever, he gets all defensive and wont hear any of it but never actually explains why this is not a good idea and does not come up with any solutions himself, not counselling, nothing??

I feel if we dont have time apart, we wont ever know if it IS indeed habit and history keeping us together (or just because its easier financially, emotionally, routine wise, etc). I feel we will eventually get to a point where things wont be as civil between us, we will end up arguing and being nasty with each other.

I said to my RL friend that at the moment I was feeling 50/50 and maybe I should wait until my feelings were more 70/30 towards parting, but she said that would be the point where things had started to get nasty, when it would become painfully obvious that we need to part and it might not be as easy to remain friendly.

But then im thinking if things are 50/50, maybe it could go 60/40 or 70/30 in the opposite directions and things could get better between us, but then my hearts sinks, gut instinct?? Horrible feeling.

And yes im with you on the if he said it was ok to separate, I would feel relief and like a weight had been lifted, which yes makes me sad but until then we are stuck in this dark place. Do I just want relief from this horrible not knowing or do I want relief from an unhappy relationship?? My head is spinning!!

Just glad we can come on here and vent!! x

Pinkfox you sound in a similar place to where I was a year ago and now my % would be 90/10 and I still can't leave! Last week dh went to look at a couple of houses and is desperate to show me he can change and felt I was being unfair in asking him to leave when he hadn't realised how dire things were.
One of my RL friends pointed out though that he clearly didn't think I'd ever make him go and that me being completely miserable in our relationship for years had not been sufficient to prompt him to do anything.
Maybe your DH doesn't take your feelings seriously either. My point is maybe he'll leave it too late like my DH. I just cannot respond to his efforts to change.
I've agreed against my better judgement but because I feel I owe it to him to not make any decisions for another month. I couldn't say any longer because I really do feel it's now or never. How long can it realistically take for feelings to change if they are going to?
Anyway we've got another relate session on Monday so we'll see what happens but I feel in my heart that I've already given up.
BTW Capricasix I have considered your point about what happens when the kids go and it doesn't bear thinking about because I'll be 56 when my youngest is 18. What an awful thought.

Yes I do know what you mean and I worry about the effect two unhappy parents will have on them. That's why I'm so desperate to make things better

DCW - im pretty sure he doesnt take my feelings seriously, he hasnt up to now but its at breaking point now, something needs to be done. I already cant respond to him full stop, let alone any attempts to change!

I did a new thread today, as im still so confused, still thinking im making an issue out of nothing and maybe it will blow over and we can be back to normal, but realistically that means me putting up and shutting up and carrying on like this for god knows how many more years?!?!?!

How did you go on at Relate? Ive mentioned that twice to my H and he refuses so cant want to make THAT much of an effort to fix things, but as you say, I feel ive already given up, it took a lot for me to even suggest going to Relate and id seen a counsellor on my own, so I have put some effort in.