unhelpful dh

[Sabbath]

Does anyone have an unhelpful dh, not housework, but with the children, doesn't want to go out as a family or seems to leave all childcare in your hands. Feel like a single parent at times anyone else in the situation?

Sorry, it meant to read anyone in the same situation,

Yes Sabbath, I regularly feel in the same situation to the point where I wonder if I really want to continue as a 'single parent' with a 'lodger' in the house. Our relationship and family life seem to be at the bottom of the 'important' list for him. I would love to know how we could improve the situation. I can sympathise with you.

It is really hard isn't it. It is a real comfort that I am not the only one. I am going to have it out with him, I think, because i am getting more and more angrier with him. keep me posted on how you get on, wish I had some suggestions for you.

Sabbath, just wanted to let you know that I have the same problem. Seems to be a male thing - everything else comes first (although they would absolutely deny it). I often feel like a single parent, and my parents seem to see a lot more of ds than his own father. I really believe that I could cope on my own with ds (not that I want to!!) because I am so used to it now. I've had it out with dh a few times and he always promises to make more effort, but things tend to slide again after a while. Good luck anyway...

I don't have much experience of this, but could you try to maybe just 'leave' ther kids with your dh's and disappear for a couple of hours every weekend? They would have to be active in their care and maybe they'd start to appreciate their wonderful children and want to spend time them.

Isn't it sad that Fathers can miss out on so much. They think they are leaving the hard work to you, but really they are missing all those little moments that really matter and you can never get back once they grow up.

Message withdrawn

I know what you mean. Dh was the same initially and it was once ds got to almost a year old that dh started taking an interest. Don't know what to suggest - have you tried talking to him? I mentioned several times that I was fed up of not having any time to myself. We were both working full time and it just seemed that either I was at work or looking after ds and house while dh was always 'tired' - finally the message got through. Although it could also be that the older ds is the more 'fun' dh can have with him.
I really do sympathise and hope you sort something out.

My dh does have plenty oppertunity to build up relationships with all 3 as we work opposite shifts, only the tv and computer are handy childminders for him, homework never gets done, meals are junk food unless preprepared by me and house is almost guarenteed to be a tip on my return, I wouldn't mind this last point if his time had been spent with the kids.

My biggest gripe is his unwillingness to participate in family activities, like a walk or a game on a regular basis, once a fortnight would be lovely.

Smartie I couldn't agree more with the last line in your post.

DH just DOES NOT understand the importance of little things, like (as you say) going for a walk, playing a game, taking ds on an outing, all that kind of thing. I was brought up doing all sorts of things, my parents actually did a lot with my brother & I, and I have a lot of fond memories of playing games, going for walks, camping, beach holidays, fossicking around for shells & crabs, and star-gazing on a rug with my family on our back lawn. Just a lot of 'togetherness'.

DH had a very different upbringing to me, but maybe it's also just a male thing - the last time I got him to go for a walk with ds & I was last Christmas, when all the lights were on at night. He just has zero interest and it frustrates me no end, because I want ds to enjoy all the time he spends with us. Sigh.......

It's so sad to read about fathers who don't want to engage with their family.

Do any of you have friends where the father is very much 'hands on'?. Is there any chance of getting you dh/dp's to spend time with them to get a sense of what they are missing out on?

DH started out as the ideal dad. I had an emergency c section when DD was born in June last year, and DH couldn't have been more supportive. He took a month off work and did everything whilst I was recouperating. I only had to breastfeed DD, he washed, cleaned, cooked, chauffered... even stopped drinking (in case he dropped her )
But the 'Novelty' of being a new dad seems to have worn off, and now his time seems to come first - I work part time, but still the majority of chores fall to me. One thing I enjoy is cooking. I would love to cook dinner, but he always cooks because DD is tired and ratty when it is bathtime. DH always leaves it to me to bath, change and settle her to sleep. It really gets me down and I never seem to have time to myself. We have tried compromising, but basically DH cannot cope when DD cries, and he finds it hard to entertain her for more than 15 minutes.
I really need to find my own time - I want to go swimming to relax but by the time she is in bed it is too late!

Maybe I am being too harsh on DH, and it is our time that needs organising better, but unless I do something, DH will quite happily carry on regardless.

He always seems to manage gym twice a week and the odd night 'just popping out for a pint - you don't mind love do you?'. He says - you must get out more...not likely if he is out and I don't book at least a week in advance!

feel a bit better now I have had a moan.....

it might just be an age thing? Now that our dd's are 2 and 4, dh finally admitted that he simply wasn't into babies or toddlers. He found it much easier to engage with them once they started to talk. I'll also own up that I probably only started to enjoy having children once they got to about 1. (Or am i not allowed to say something so heretical)

Now, because we both work full time, we try and ensure that all(well most of) the chores are done on Saturday - so that we can go out " as a family" on Sunday. Last Sunday we went for a picnic, (prepared by dh) and he spent an hour helping them paint pictures for mummy with his v. expensive watercolour kit - whilst I got just sit there and let my mind "surf".

If anyone had told me that it could be like this, a year or two ago, when dh's favourite expression was "can't you stop that child from making that noise" - I would have told them where to go.

Also, I suspect that there may be a little bit of overcompensating going on in two ways. Firstly dh works and lives 150 miles away during the week, so I am a part time single mum (pitying glances at the PTA events and all! "You know they're separated, don't you" - well actually only geographically).

Secondly, and before he was transferred, we were talking about why dh and his father seem a bit detached, and he said that he felt that his father seemed to resent having to spend time with the children, and wanted to do his own thing. There was a long pause, and then he said "you think I do that don't you". I probably flanneled a bit, but then said I thought it would be nice if we could spend some time together doing fun things as a family (so taking the girls round Tesco's didn't count).

if all else fails - I agree, just leave him to the childcare for an hour or two at the weekend. AND Switch off the football / rugby / cricket every time you have to walk through with a basket of washing, noting cheerily "Can you just load the washer whilst i peg this lot out - oh and (insert name of child here) likes to help load the washer".

Good luck

Looking at this thread, it seems there's lots of different aged children that are being ignored by their fathers, from babies to school-aged children. My dh was not good on the hands on stuff when my sons were babies, but from toddlerhood onwards, has been an interested and involved father - when he wants to be

We have different strengths. He's better than me at playing games with them, whether it's draughts with the older one or tickle chase with the younger one. He creates more interesting meals for them, plays them music, is more insistent on good table manners and spends more time teaching them basic skills. I tend to hope my sons will muddle through with things like tying laces. My husband is more proactive.

But I'm more eager than my husband in taking my sons out and about. He has never been a one for day trips, even in pre-family days, but I've always enjoyed them.

Our parenting styles reflect our own preferences.
I know my husband too well to feel I can change his personality - I just hope he plays up the good bits for the benefit of our sons.

I can't stand the prospect of dragging my husband along on a day out and have him whisper to me 'I'm bored, can we go home now?' it's bad enough when my 8 year old does this. I would much rather be captain of my own ship, and enjoy the day with our sons without a grim looking partner in the background. So my husband gets off lightly. I don't nag him to come along with us. Also it's a lot cheaper if he stays at home - all those entrance fees, meals out and (if he comes along, the inevitable pint sometime during the day) don't come cheap. In fact both my dh and I were happy with our separate going out arrangements - it was only my oldest son who began to voice his protests and wanted daddy to come along.

I had a look through Steve Biddulph's book on Raising boys and it made me rethink our arrangement. And I am not someone who follows guru advice much (unless the gurus are mumsnetters) Anyway, SB states that boys who don't have good and involved male role models when they are children are much more likely to become troubled adolescents. Once puberty begins, the relationship between father and son can suffer hugely for a few years. Consequently, it is important for each of them to look back on shared memories of good times in childhood. This early involvment is a crucial investment in the adult relationship between father and son.

This made sobering reading for me. I told my dh about it and I think he read the chapter too. He has now adapted his approach (not changed it) by taking our eldest son out more at weekends - they go fishing, watch football and rugby matches together - the sort of thing an 8 year old boy loves to do and the sort of thing I don't. My son would see through my feigned enthusiasm straight away and I think it would spoil the outing for him - he's not stupid. And it's no good my dh taking my three year old to a Legland - my dh just couldn't bring himself to enjoy it - whereas I think it's really fun.

Since my dh and I are so different, I don't think regular family outings work for us. We have to split the tasks and do what we each enjoy.

Tigermoth, my DH is generally very hands on but one thing he doesn't like is 'organised fun' for children. On Fridays, I tend to take my two on outings he would loathe i.e. Thomas live on stage, Rainforest Cafe etc which I actually don't mind and as you say, it seems daft paying all that extra money for someone who isn't going to enjoy this.

So our weekend family outings tend to be geared towards his interests. We went to the Gaydon heritage car museum for example last weekend which is right up his street but we all enjoyed it too. Other things he has enjoyed are Duxford and Old Warden (in Bedfordshire) flying days.

Sabbath and others for whom this is a problem, I would urge you to try and sort it out somehow.
Many of you will probably know the marital problems I have encountered recently and dh's reluctance to get stuck in as a parent is a big issue for us.
I think that Bells and Tigermoth's points about playing to your dh's strengths is a very good one. Find things that your dh will enjoy doing and then he will be keen to get involved. However, that does not address all the other issues of dealing with the crappy bits of being a parent.
I think that if you can't get your parenting issues resolved on your own, it is worth getting help in the form of counselling or parenting classes or something before you end up in the sort of situation I have reached.

i think the advice to leave the kids and just dissapear is the best - you didnt make the kids on your own - why dont you just pop out for a pint - take a paper or a book with you - if he goes the gym - you go the gym.
yes children give you joy , but dont go feeling sorry for the dads who miss out.
and i didnt find going "go go gaga" to babies thrilling either - washing bottles and changing nappies isnt the most thrilling of experiences, having to get up during the night, lack of sleep, constant crying, constant worrying. i think fellas have got it al very sweet " oh i dontbond with babies!" bull sh*t! me either mate but i didnt soddin well create one on my own you know.
dont create a rod for your own back.
dont let them get away with it
dont feel sorry for them
dont be a martyr - no one minds if you worry and flog yourself to death - least of all your kids - trust me!
if family life isnt for them - they shouldnt create families.
men can be so selfish - their own neds and wants come first and damned the consequences.

so with a minuts notice - bog off down the library - go to a cafe - go to your mums - go on a peace march - go to the gym- go to weight watchers - go do an aromatherapy class.

they will figure out how to feed and change and wash and bath and appreciate the trouble you go to every single soddin day a little bit more

unless you are married to a complete t*sser and there are always the exceptions i admit - but women let the men get away with it -sometimes for peace, sometimes because its easier. most times we do it to ourselves.
kick some ass ladies - selfish bstrds

well said custardo

Here here custardo !

I too insisted on my dh helping out as I was starting to feel restentful of him going on when he felt like it etc etc (and this was in the early days !). Leaving him alone did wonders, and aferwards he realised how much I actually do. Juggling housework, entertaining the babies is hard work - although it has to be said he does sometimes forget - at which point I pop off for a couple of hours just to remind him again

It works really well for us. We have our family times together but spending time alone with our dd gives each of us a chance to develop our own individual relationships with our dd. Plus it also gives the all important ME time which I reckon blokes somehow feel more entitled to at the expense of us Mums.

HI all, thanks for all the advice, can't quite believe there are so many in the same situation. I have spoken to my dh, I just said a few comments about the kids, i said if he could go to concerts then why couldn't he take us out. I said I don't expect you to come out everytime I do, but it would be nice on afew occasions to go somewhere as a family. I have no troubles with the housework, he usually helps me especially if he is off work. He also works shifts, and usually does alot of overtime. I can't leave the youngest ds with him as he won't change nappies, so I cannot leave him with him for too long. He has also said that he will be better when they are older, but I am worried that when my two are older they won't want to know as they will have their own friends. He was excellent when both were newborns and we took it in turns to do the night feeds. He said he will try, and I am not going to let it drop at all. He said he has no patience with them, but I will have to see how things go from now and he says we can go out on Saturday. So a little progress.
We do comunicate very well, and as a husband he is great, we willjust have to work on the father part of him. I will keep you posted on what happens. Thanks everyone.

He won't change nappies???!!!!! Do yourself a favour, wait till your son has a particularly nasty one, then dump him on DH's lap and disappear off for a couple of hours. He'll either have to deal with the nappy or with the smell. This approach works particularly well while he is having his Saturday morning lie in.

As to the 'won't bath them' dilemma. I injured my hand quite badly when dd was 9 months old. I had it in bandages for about a month. I couldn't get it wet and even changing nappies presented a hygiene problem. Consequently dh had to take over these duties. He's never handed them back (Well, except for some of the nappies) He discovered that bathtime was fun. And that changing nappies isn't the complete disguting horror he imagined it was.

As to the family outings dilemma, you either have to find things he'll enjoy too. Or you can leave the children with him and go out on your own "accidentally" carrying the TV remote in your bag (How did it get there? DS must have put it in) Do this for a couple of weekends in a row and hopefully he'll begin to appreciate how much better life is if you're there to help with the kids.

You need your own life too.

Slug, is right girl.My dp doesn't like changing nappies but he has too. Sorry Sabbath but I was like you and it is hard but you have to have a life away from the kids and dh. Get out sometimes on your own to give yourself a break. It does recharge those "Mum" batteries. It will also give him the kick up the backside that he needs. I am sorry if I offend you in anyway I do not mean it. But I know after 19 years of kids, cooking and all those other dirty little jobs that we HAVE to do us MUMS need a break.Take care hope everything works o.k

Well said Custardo. I am constantly amazed and shocked at what men get away with.

Custardo.. !! Well said. Most of the time they only do it coz they get away with it....

Wish I never said that now. He won't he has been left with my eldest and he still didn't he got my mum to come down and do it. I don't really mind. So it is not a problem