DH masturbates instead of having sex with me!

[AbsolutelyBaffled]

Please help. DH and I haven't had sex more than three times since DS2 was born a year ago, and I've been the one to initiate it every time. When I try to talk to him about it, he isn't very helpful. He says it's my fault as I go to bed much later than he does, which is true. But he doesn't ever talk about sex or try to seduce me at other times, so I'm not convinced.

I know he still wanks, as a) He got a virus on the computer after going into a dodgy porn site!; and b) I got home last night after a night out and he wasn't downstairs... He came down a minute or two later and when I said, "What were you doing?" at first he said he'd been working, but then admitted he'd actually been having a wank.

I know it's laughable, but I really don't know what to do. We've had a few problems in our relationship, and tbh I think we might be better off splitting up, but we have 2 DC. He seems weirdly reluctant to discuss any problems, preferring to keep the status quo.

What should I do? I'm reluctant to raise the topic again as it makes me feel like I'm begging him for sex. I can start going to bed at the same time as he does, but anything else? I don't fancy trying to seduce him with fancy underwear, etc. Help??

ask him if he needs a hand?

Maybe he's tired.. lets face it masterbation is easier and quicker than having sex.. you've only got yourself to think about.

on the up side.. there is nothing medical going on if he's sorting himself out.

I do think you need to talk to him, it's isn't going to be you begging for sex.. yet you are a couple and you do need to know what is going on and how this can be resolved where both of you are happy.

you could suggest things like a night where you both spend time together once a month or couple of weeks. where you are a couple rather than just parents.. you can do this at home with a £10 meal for 2 night and a dvd.

Ha ha. But really. what can I do? Or not even that... How bad a sign is it that he'd rather wank than have sex with me? Before DC we had a fabulous sex life. I always thought of him as highly sexed, but these days he'd clearly happily go without, at least from me.

Fuckity fuck! This is really bad, isn't it?

ok, I think it would be a good start though - you could sort each other out?

why do you object to the nice underwear approach?

(I should add that I don't know anything about pleasing husbands!)

BCNS, thanks, I hadn't seen your reply.
He does get tired, but I think it must go deeper than that. However, he just won't talk. He would rather lie and keep the peace than admit something that might cause a change/argument. I've realised that about him.

Well I think going to bed at the same time would be a start!
Can you start being flirty with him/try and seduce him instead of expecting him to do it?
You don't NEED fancy underwear if your not into that, just try a wink/saucy comment and see what happens.

Having a wank rather than have sex.....I would think that I was mad if I did this, but...... when my marrage was on the tocks, I did just that. I didn't really want to sleep in the same bed as my (then) wife, but I didn't have much choice, so I just accepted things as they were.

In the last year of us living together, we couldn't have had sex more than 5 times.

Feeling close and having sex literally goes hand in hand (there could be a pun in there somewhere).

There were many things wrong in the relationship and there were to many for me to tackle. The pointers that the (then) wife could tackle were left to become a problem, so I looked for ways to avoid the problems and more importantly I looked for ways to avoid confrontation. I didn't get angry and in the (then) wifes mind, I didn't get angry because what ever nonsence she was sprouting was "true" according to her.

List the changes (big and small) that are obvious - netween the now and 2 years ago and 4 years ago. Also lost the things that you continue to do. In theory, the collective of the lists should have everything that you did and continue to do.

On the same list but sepatate from things from your perspective, try to see things from the man's perspective and list those.

Listing the changes - means the things that you did, you are, you spoke about, friends you had....etc.

I think that looking at things on paper are going to paint a picture which you can look at and find a solution to the problem.

Then on a diffrent note, if you are not intrested in dressing up in nuce underware, rather don't. Some men like it, some are not intrested. The sexy outfits do nothing for me, sexy underware do little for me. If I was enticed into having sex with someone dressed up as a sexy something and I have sex with her - am I having sex with the sexy fanticy person or the person I want to be with? If it's the person I want to be with, why the need to dress up? I personally prefer a naked body, shaved legs, nice smell and a very good chance of having the time to let things happen as they should.

Without disrespect to the bigger varity of women, but a sexy thong (and I don't really like thongs as it is) on a person size 24 looks so wrong.

Try going to bed earlier. I also go to bed much later than DH (late at night is the only time I get any peace) so I know this can be a tricky issue.
Instead of trying to discuss things why not just initiate sex and see how it goes, think lots of men find it hard to talk about these things, but doesnt mean he doesnt fancy you anymore.

Get the candles out, massage oil, some nice underwear and make the first move. Make it the best sex ever.

That should solve the problem.

Another thing, although I think unique to me, because I don't know about other men. I, in a relationship think that wanking should be avoided. That way the sexual needs of each get met by the other and the closeness remains there.

A man will want sex and if he isn't wanking, he is more likely to want to resolve something than be deprived of sex. Add wanking into the picture and one person's needs overtake the other person's - causing an imbalance.

You might also look at the quality of sex that you have (though I doubt this is the problem). If the man can't cum during sex or the time to cum takes 2 hours (had he wants it over and done with quickly) the sex is more hassle than it's worth, so wanking is easier and quicker.

Before I met my wife, I had a short relationship with a girl who insisted on using condoms. We had sex and 2 hours later - nothing. After that, I was convinced that wanking was better than sex. At that time, I was young and inexperienced. My back was stiff and tired for a few days after that experience.

Solving the sex problem might just be masking a bigger problem which isn't going to go away.

If there are deeper problems in the relationship or in the house, having sex isn't going to solve the other problems. It might push the bloke into looking for ways to avoid sex.

N1 I sort of see where your going with this.. men do seem imo to like problems solved, and again ime if they can't solve it they seem to put those issues in a can't be solved box.. but still those issues niggle away, causing other issues to show instead.

AB.. you could actually ask him outright. but..try and do this without blame. frame your statements and questions. so instead of " you never have sex with me..don't you fancy/love me anymore"

try " without putting pressure on you the lack of intimate times together is an issue for me.. is it something we can work through together?"

or " I'm missing you as a my friend and lover.. how would you feel about some chilled out us time?.. when in the month would you be comfortable to set a "date". "

might be worth a try

Maybe try restoring the intimacy in your relationship first and working from there? Don't immediately assume the relationship's going down the pan, 'specially with small kids in the house. Not negating others' experience but I don't think it's necessarily that.

Go to bed earlier. Cuddle. Try and make some time for the 2 of you to do things together, like BCNS suggests. Also make some time (!) for you to do things you enjoy on your own and make yourself feel sexy and interesting. Talk to each other about the things that are not your kids.

Ignore the wanking thing. People wank. They just do. You're right to be worried if he's genuinely doing it instead of having sex with you but that's not necessarily the case tbh.

And N1 I disagree about larger bottoms in thongs! Some people think they are lovely!

Thank you all so much, you are helping.

I'm inclined to believe N1, really. think there are deeper problems here. But really, when I try to talk about things, he won't! he just says, "We should try to be positive."

I'm so frustrated by his terror of any kind of confrontation. He refuses to talk, while things are collapsing around us. I can't carry on like this, with great areas of his emotions/feelings/dreams, a complete mystery to me.

plantsitter: "You're right to be worried if he's genuinely doing it instead of having sex with you but that's not necessarily the case tbh.2

How can this not be the case, though? when he isn't making any kind of overture towards banging me??!

So if you make a list of things. The lists let you see things in written form, which sometimes allows you to compare quantities or the length of a list.

That prcess of thought reminds you about things that you used to enjoy and might be forgoton now.

List making would take a few days and not a few minuites.

I honestly think that wanking and having sex with someone are different things - wanking requires a lot less emotional and physical effort for a start.

Maybe creating situations where you can be intimate with each other might help the two of you to talk about deeper problems, if you think that's really what's going on. I know it is v frustrating trying to talk to someone who won't talk to you, or is so frightened of change that it feels like they can't.

Perhaps he would find it easier to talk if you two were a bit closer generally and IMO this is very much linked to physcial closeness. Don't just mean sex, but having plenty of kissing and cuddles, going to bed at the same time and catching up on your day then. Talking in bed rather than sitting down for a proper "talk" might be easier for him.
I agree with whoever said that it can be very hard to find time for each other when you have young DCs, we have found this esp since DS2 was born (he is 1) and that makes intimacy very hard.

Maybe your overthinking it a bit and its a mix of habit and lack of opportunity? I would say to him, with out any fuss or blame, something along the lines of 'we havent done it in a while, lets do it tomorrow night!' Give him some warning and get a bottle of wine in. If he still doesnt want to then time to explore the problem.

Could it be he is giving you lots of space and time and all those good things?

Thank you all SO much. I've read and reread your replies and have formulated the following plan:

1. Stop overthinking (thanks, TooFoggy). I do get a bit bogged-down emotionally (hence his "be positive" comments, probably) so I'll try to lighten up. nobody wants to shag Debbie Downer, do they?! (This is when you all tell me that "Debbie Downer" is in fact a well-liked and respected Mumsnetter and I've accidentally offended the entire site.)

1. Go to bed at same time as him, more or less, for a month (thanks pannacotta and plantsitter).

1. Be a bit more open to advances... After thinking about this, I've realised that there are times when he tries it on, but I brush him off.

Thank you!!

I'll bet he loves you as the mother of his children, his best friend, his companion and his partner in crime. Does he see you as a lover?

Like any man he has sexual feelings but doesn't want to project them on to you because all your other roles take precedent over being a couple. Carve some time out for the two of you. Go to bed together at the same time, don't talk about kids, bills, mother-in-law, washing machines etc in the bedroom.

Take your point about not wanting to wear sexy knickers but there is a limit. If you wear grey (formerly white) M&S big pants with fraying elastic do you blame him for seeing you only as a mum?

You need to feel good about yourself - get an expensive haircut, buy some new clothes and feel confident and sexy in your own mind.

Go out for dinner with just the two of you or a weekend away somewhere. He'll soon remember the woman he married and you'll be back to fighting him off with a stick.

you do need to sort this out, so try to talk to him again - maybe he is tired. stressed from work etc

can you go away for the night and spend some time together?

and maybe offer to to giv him a helping hand?

So, last night we had a lovely, lovely evening. DH had won a new work contract so i made it into a celebration, opening a bottle of bubbly, etc. he was v sweet and affectionate all evening. We went to bed at the same time and...

...He boffed me senseless! Afterwards he said, all mock-Gigolo, "You come to bed at the same time as me and there'll be a lot more where that ame from."

Thanks so much again. I love the idea of improving my self-image with a sharp new haircut, etc. I don't wear M&S pants, but I get the idea!

You're all so reassuring and lovely. Thank you!

XXXXX

Thanks for the good news. The more happy people in the world, the better.