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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Affair. How do I get myself out of this mess?

31 replies

BadNaughtyMummy · 28/01/2009 12:15

I have been sleeping with a married guy for a few months. He says he loves his wife etc but that they are not sexually compatable and that he needs someone to please him in the bedroom. This has somehow ended up being me. I love the attention I get from him. He is a very complimentary guy and makes me feel good about myself but I know what were doing is wrong and has to stop.

Problem is I dont know how to stop it. I have just got divorced so have been in a difficult place and I think this is a reaction to the stress of the past few months.

I know it sounds stupid not knowing how to end it, but I need this to be over perminantly. Somebody is going to get hurt if it carries on any longer. I dont want to find myself saying to him one week that we cant see one another anymore then falling back into bed with him the next.

I know people are going to flame me for this. I know its bad and Im ashamed of myself for it. Im not even sure how it happened in the first place. I just want to get away from it all.

I hope people can understand that this just happened. It wasn't pre-meditated and I never set out to hurt his wife. I feel disgusted with myself and would be gutted if anyone in rl ever found out.

could do with some advice on putting a stop to this.

OP posts:

IAteMakkaPakka · 28/01/2009 12:20

I think you will only stop it when you really want it to stop.

You have identified the reasoning behind it, and that it's wrong. Now you just need the oomph to finish it once and for all.

You do realise he's pretty blatantly using you? If he actually says he "needs someone to please him in the bedroom" he sounds like a pig, to be honest.

I doubt anything anyone here can say will help you to stop it any sooner - I really think if you know it's wrong, and you know why it's happening then it's down to you to put an end to it. Sorry.

theresonlyme · 28/01/2009 12:22

I think you need to believe that you deserve better than a casual shag. Then you will be able to finish it.

Haribosmummy · 28/01/2009 12:23

Will power.

Just STOP. Tell him you won't do it anymore. And don't.

he's using you. He's being (a bit) better than some, in that he's being truthful with you - he wants someone for sex and nothing else... I can understand why you don't want that for yourself. So he's nice to you. Nothing more than payment in kind.

Get yourself a new mobile, and CUT UP the old SIM so you can't check your old account. Gt a new e-mail addy and CANCEL the old account so you can't check it.

Stop going to anywhere you might meet him.

He'll find someone else, that's not your issue...

VinegarTits · 28/01/2009 12:26

Nah, not going to flame you

You know its wrong, you know you need to end it

He is using you, he is having his cake and eating it, he porbably still sleeps with his wife, men like this will tell you anything, and why would you believe him? he is lying to his wife so he is no doubt a good liar.

Be strong, tell him its over, you should respect yourself a bit more and tell yourself you are better than that, you dont need to be the other woman, you deserve better than this, start dating single men, get yourself on a dating site or whatever it takes to occupy you, makes plans for the weekend so you know you dont have to see him

WEESLEEKITLauriefairycake · 28/01/2009 12:28

How does he make you feel good about yourself? By shagging with you and telling your gorgeous?

You deserve much more than someone who will cheat on his wife to get what he wants.

If you were also dumped in the divorce this is not the way to boost your self-esteem - try thinking you are gorgeous for yourself - you don't need validation from a lying cheating scumbag.

Also, you are not cheating on anyone - he is and while you're not a great advert for the sisterhood you're also not an awful person - he's the one that is married to her.

SoupDragon · 28/01/2009 12:33

"he needs someone to please him in the bedroom"

You do realise that makes you sound like he's using you as a free prostitute only he's paying in compliments rather than cash. Surely you deserve better than that?!

Original poster

BadNaughtyMummy · 28/01/2009 12:40

they are supposed to be renewing their vows soon. I did ask him why he was behaving like this if he intended to go through with that and he said because he loved her and wanted to spend the rest of his life with her but that she was crap in bed.

I do deserve better I spose. Im just not always very good at making the right decisions in life and my exh has left me with a lot of emotional baggage.

OP posts:

WEESLEEKITLauriefairycake · 28/01/2009 12:43

'she was crap in bed'

triple yuk, what a fucker - he should be communicating with her not with you about his 'dissatisfaction'

for you

Move on from him and focus on you.

He is a prize wank-stain.

VinegarTits · 28/01/2009 12:47

Well theri you go then, he is renewing his vows, his is lying when he tells you they have no sex life

You do realise all you are to him is a piece of fanny? sorry to be harsh, but soupdragon is right, all you are is a free prostitute

No doubt about it, you DO desrve better, if you carry this on you have no repsect for yourself

Text him, tell him its over and IF HE CONTACTS YOU AGAIN YOU WILL TELL HIS WIFE (opps sorry for caps)

End it today, he is dragging you down, you will end up with even more emotional baggage after he breaks your heart

Waxonwaxoffdanielsan · 28/01/2009 12:49

you should be getting paid by him at least.

Dior · 28/01/2009 12:54

Men seem to be able to disassociate love from sex don't they. He loves her, but it is ok to sleep with someone else because she is crap in bed . He must have known that before he married her. What about TELLING her that she could do a, b, c. I'm sure there are things HE could do that she would like to tell him about.

Blimey. I am not a prude but this shocks me - the fact that he is discussing her with you is so disrespectful, even if having sex with you wasn't bad enough...

Please have some respect for yourself and tell him to sort out his relationship with his wife.

amess · 28/01/2009 12:55

Agree totally HE IS DRAGGING YOU DOWN you are worth more. Time to put it all behind you and get on with a life you deserve.

Original poster

BadNaughtyMummy · 28/01/2009 13:10

Have txt him and told him that we can only see one another on a professional basis. (we work together so there is no getting away from him)

Have realised you are right. I am worth more. I dont want to be the OW or his bit on the side.

According to him they dont have sex very often and she wont give him oral sex. he has been very honest (if it is the truth) about it all but I agree it is a little degrading to his wife to be discussing her techniques in the bedroom with me. He said that he has spoken to her about it but nothing changes. I do in some ways feel a little sorry for him. She is constantly nagging him about money and having a go at him about something. I have seen the txt's on his phone from her and she is like a dragon. But if their relationship is so bad why are they renewing their vows. its beyond me.

Not my problem anymore. I will see him at work and thats it. I dont want to be a part of his life and his lies anymore.

OP posts:

surprisenumber3 · 28/01/2009 13:12

do they have children?

WEESLEEKITLauriefairycake · 28/01/2009 13:14

You have seen a few texts, that's not enough to call her a dragon or a 'nag' - you have no idea what he said to her before she sent the texts.

He has got one over on you and he has manipulated you to believing him.

Good on you for not buying in to his life and lies anymore.

Original poster

BadNaughtyMummy · 28/01/2009 13:26

Nope no kids.
she doesnt work so he brings in the money. Things have been a bit bad at work recently, we could be in trouble and so this has caused a lot of issues beteen him and his wife becuase we didnt hit our targets so we have lost income IYSWIM. I wasnt trying to justify his actions. What both of us have done is disgusting and unforgiveable but there are problems with their replationship. He constantly bitches about his wife in the office.

Hopefully this will be the end of it all. He is on holiday at the moment so at least I wont have to see him in the office for the next week or so.

OP posts:

surprisenumber3 · 28/01/2009 13:28

be strong - you're worth more than that.

MadreInglese · 28/01/2009 13:33

What's with all the 'be strong' malarky?

Close your legs and stop all contact with him, voila

He sounds like a prize prick, his poor wife

HuwEdwards · 28/01/2009 13:42

You say she sounds like a dragon???

well he's not exactly prize husband material himself, is he?

Original poster

BadNaughtyMummy · 28/01/2009 13:52

oh god no. Like i said Im not excusing his bahviour. He is a prat and I have only just realised it. I feel so stupid.

OP posts:

prettyfly1 · 28/01/2009 13:57

...and you will do for a while. The only way to stop feeling stupid is to cut him off. What a twat he sounds. Seriously if this were your husband would you be more hurt about the sex or the horrible betrayal sharing the secrets of his relationship with another woman is. eeeuurrrrghhhh. If your company is in trouble can you move if you really cannot stop it.

MadreInglese · 28/01/2009 13:58

You can't change what you've already done, no point wallowing and beating yourself up

but you are in control of what happens from now on

Original poster

BadNaughtyMummy · 28/01/2009 14:12

Not really an option to move. I can work from home which will allow me to spend less time in the office, thus less time with him. Im just going to burry myself into my work and focus my attention on that rather than him.

I have kept all his messages so if he continues to try it on with me then I will threaten exposing what he has done to his wife, although I really dont want to do that. I just want an end to it all.

OP posts:

HolyGuacamole · 28/01/2009 14:20

You are worth more. No flaming from me because you realise this is a bad situation and you are not proud of it, and, you have had the balls to ask for help in finishing it. Please stick to your guns.

Both you and his wife deserve someone better, just be glad you have came to this realisation now and not later. You should see this as a very positive thing.

Your self esteem must be at an all time low to allow yourself to be in this situation. Do the things that make you feel better and valued as a person and not as an object of sexual satisfaction for someone else who has gotten himself into an unsatisfactory marriage. That is his problem, not yours. Don't concern yourself with the why's of his marriage. And certainly don't feel sorry for him, he is getting his cake and eating it, what's sad about that? He is having it all, whilst you and his wife get a paltry 50%, if that. Not to mention the lies and dishonesty.

There are lots of really great guys out there, you don't need someone elses bad rubbish. Any woman can provide sex, and that is all that he wants, so let him go find someone else to do the providing. Save yourself for someone who wants to be with you for more than your body.

Honestly, you deserve better and I hope his wife comes to the same realisation soon.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 28/01/2009 14:25

BNM,

Re your comment:-
"my exh has left me with a lot of emotional baggage".

Deal with that baggage by having relationship counselling. You were and remain emotionally vulnerable and you've been taken advantage of by this turd of a man who has just used you for his own ends. Think you've also been told a lot of lies by him too; the only ones who really know what's happening in their marriage is this man and his wife.

As for the man you've been having an affair with he will just end up dragging your esteem further down the river.

I would also look for alternative employment.

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