Affair - stirring or not?

[UghNo]

Okay, bit new to this but need some advice... my dp had an affair with a woman at work last year. They work at a school (she was his class assistant) and he had just left to go elsewhere, so it was over the summer holiday after - mostly it was texts and declarations of love / wanting to be together forever on email plus long phonecalls when I took dcs to sports. But once her H went away for the night and they went for a drink and ended up sleeping together at hers, then he came home, looked guilty and I searched for and found the texts.

I can honestly say we had no probs with our relationship before, went out together lots without dcs, had sex, were best friends too. He'd said he had a crush on her before but I thought it was nothing serious - we used to talk about things like that so they were out in the open. Anyway, five months on I have found some cds she gave him. he says he never intended to sleep with her but she asked him to come and get them from her house that night as a present and that's how they ended up sleeping together as she started kissing him and he made a bad choice etc etc blah blah the usual...

After I found out he moved out for several weeks to get his head straight about why he'd had feelings for her and if he loved me enough but eventually came back, though only after a 2 week blip when she started texting again and he replied. I found this and asked him to finish it or I'd never take him back and so he sent her a final email. I asked to see it before it was sent but he ignored my suggestions and did things I was really unhappy about like sign it 'love' from and told her he really cared about her and hoped she'd find happiness though he had to go back to us as too much hurt had been caused etc. Her H meanwhile had gone nuts and was threatening him / harassing him online - not death threats or anything, just silly posts on his blog and facebook requests so more annoying than anything.

In Dec my dp told her H finally he was going to get the police in if he didn't stop, which it now it has. DP also now realises it was a midlife crisis or something and deeply regrets nearly throwing everything away. Trouble is, I really, really want to get rid of those cds because of their significance and how to do that is causing endless trouble. Although dp has sent her H emails saying he doesn't love her, doesn't want to hear from her and that it was a massive mistake, he never sent anything like that to her directly (though I'm sure her H has shown them to her, but knowing it was meant to prove stuff to her H it won't have the same effect). So though dp is happy for me to take them to Oxfam I really, really want to post them back to her - at work, so it doesn't wind up her H - to show dp doesn't want any reminder of her in our home and they now have no romantic significance. Dp thinks she'll tell her H and the harassing will start again, though if it does I've said I'll deal with it. Am I being unreasonable in wanting to send a message and prove a point here?

Sorry everyone, I did take it all too personally, thanks for the apologies, my fault though. I think in a way I would like her to try and make contact again though doubt she would. She confided in my dp she had lost a baby shortly after birth and cried buckets about it to get his sympathy - but it never happened. her H was horrified when my dp mentioned it. So if she called he'd tell her to F.O. And to be honest, that's probably what I'd like to spark off, I've just been denying it to myself. I should probably feel sorry for her as she is very messed up.

Do you think that what you are seeking is a clear rejection of her - the crystal clear "It's over, fuck off." that your husband did not give her in the email?

Or do you think that you are focusing on her instead of your husband and trying to shift all the blame onto her, so you can move on with your husband and pretend it wasn't his fault?

I also think probably best to not send the cds. If you can put the whole thing in the past, you stand a better chance of moving on as a couple.

Bin the CDs.

Your DH had an affair. Your issue is with him, surely, not her?

Maybe you haven't faced up fully to what he himself has chosen to do to your relationship.

Ughno - you should come on here and vent your feelings and not do anything rash in real life until you have thought through the consequences, you may regret it otherwise.

Sounds like you still have a lot of anger to deal with regarding the OW and that is totally natural. I'd be more inclined to direct those feelings towards DH, but in a reasonable way, what's the point of fighting about it? YIf you want to be together, you need to do things that re good for your relationship, to hell with everyone else.

You don't need the hassles and stress of having the OW and her DH in your life. What's important is you and your DH, and if you want it to work or not. Forget the OW, have good open communication with your DH and work out a way to get you feeling good about things, ie, by getting rid of the cds. He has to make an effort to help you out on this but you also have to take responsibility for your own feelings.

The person who done most wrong here is your DH and I believe you both need to do to whatever it takes to get rid of the anger and get yourselves back on track.

The cds, IMO have been given a little bit more importance than they deserve but that again is probably natural. What about talking to your DH and asking him if he can break them up into the bin in front of you and make it symbolic of a new start? Let the cds be a positive thing instead of a negative thing?

Thats exactly what I was thinking too. You are making this about her - telling her like it is. You wouldnt feel like that if your DP had told her like it is (or, like it should be).
Bin the CDs.
And remember that your DP should be jumping through hoops to make things alright between you. He fucked it up so he needs to fix it. You should tell him how you feel, tbh.

UN - Have you seen the 'grief wheel'? It is very true and would explain to you why I suggested waiting 6 months. It was really that you would probably have healed enough by then to see that it was not a good action to take.

Of course you are hurting - that is natural. But, don't blame yourself. The best revenge on the OW is to have a happy relationship with your H. Smash the CDs if they mean that much as a symbol, but don't give the OW the satisfaction of knowing they are important to you.

Yes, ughno, she is pitiful. Don't bring yourself down to her level. You are better than that. She sounds seriously fucked-up and your dp is a fool for falling for her histrionics.

Don't blame yourself. Talk to your partner about what you would like him to do that has nothing to do with her and everything about your relationship. Maintaining any sort of contact between this crazy lady and her poor dh will use up emotional energey better spent re-building your own self-esteem.

Some of that your dp can help you with. Some of that you can do on your own, perhaps with the help of RL friends/family (did you tell anyone?) or with a sympathetic counsellor who can help you work through your feelings of betrayal and anger.

Damn, I wish I'd posted this much detail 1st time round, and not used a more direct approach .

I will aspire to be be more like HolyGuacamole in future {smile]

AF

Some would say I spend too much time talking sh*t and going round the houses instead of getting to the point

Ughno - FORGET the OW

but its good shit

This woman sounds like she thrives on a bit of drama and any action from you or him will merely fan the flames. It's understandable to want to hurt her/lash out but the quickest way to move on is to starve the fire of all oxygen

UghNo - I totally understand why you want to send them back - I'd feel the same.
The reason I wouldn't is that if the CDs are romantic then she might listen to them and either a) think he's sent them back to remind her of him, or b) get all stirred up about him and try and cause more trouble for you both.
Dior is right (she usually is ), don't act in haste, hide them away for a few months then see how you feel.
Hope this helps - you got a lot of flack on here which you didn't deserve. But its like that on here lately

ugh , id ask dh to bin /smash cds,- he should destroy all reminders of his mistake, not you. at your dh for not getting rid already!.shes irrelevent and most likely latched on to someother fool man .

ginny, hadn't thought of that - she will more likely be odd with her H and he will assume she is in contact with dp again and come back to be a pest again, even if she doesn't tell him a thing directly.

Hecate - yes, I'm looking for the clear fuck off he should have given at the time and would give to her now if she popped up - so deep in me I may well be pushing for her to give it a whirl and see where it gets her as I know the answer.

As for dh, he knows how I feel about the whole episode, even if he wants to now never talk about it again and make it all go away. Tough. I think I need to make clear to HIM why the CDs are so important suddenly (he wasn't keeping them specially, by the way - we have stacks and they were shoved on a shelf with the rest downstairs, not kept under his pillow or anything hideous. He says he doesn't even think of her at all anymore. Shame I can't do the same already but it's not that easy, is it?)

The cd's were the pretext for a sexual encounter - once. I get that you want that "undone".
She wont get that message from receiving these cds. She will think Pretext. Sex. Your dh.

I dont quite see you would want to stir things up again.

Unless you WANT her to get in touch, so that your dh can tell her to fuck off, so in your mind, the deed will truly BE undone.

its ok ginnny, we have sorted out the flack business

Wish it could be undone but don't have access to a time machine - unless you can make one out of old spaghetti and cheerios Yes, it's becoming clear to me now thanks to all of you and rambling through it that what I really want is proper closure and for her to be put in her place.
I can deal with making sure my dh knows he has a good half share in the damage done but I am annoyed I did the dignified thing and didn't go down the phoning her and ranting at her route at the time - though actually that wouldn't have been any good as the only one from whom such things would have meant anything to her would be my dh. So yes, I probably (or actually) do want her to be moved to get in contact s she can have any remaining illusions shattered. Ah well. Better set a time for a chat with him to explain why I've been so angry about it...

I sympathise, but dont underestimate the power of ranting. When m ex started his affair the OW went round to meet my kids without my knowledege when she was still with her H. I gave her the bollocking from hell about what she had done to our lives. It didnt change anything but it made me feel much better that I had expressed my feelings and she had no choice but to hear them, apparently I upset her, according to my knob of an ex FIL

Hmm, perhaps I should have ranted after all? Might have maked us seem a bit more real to her. Then again, I saved all the ranting for my dh, which I thought was fine. He was, after all, the one with the responsibility to me and dcs.

Ug - I know exactly how you feel and belive me it will take a long long time for those feelings of anger to go.
I too was very calm and although did have a rant at ow on phone never confronted her as such (despite much fantasy). I think it was because at the time i was not strong enough - was not sure if my h would really stand by me. I just could not have coped if he had sided with her.

It is a shame that you h has not felt the need to include your feelings in how he finished it - he was probably thinking about himself too much.

Mine did that too - it was all about the way he wanted to do it and he was worried he would look bad and he didnt want to hurt ow more than he already had. It is hard to accept at the time and by going back over it you still cant understand why he did it that way.

I too sometimes wish she would make some form of contact as i know i would be much stronger now - i would not put up the fight again - if he even gave her a thought she could have him. she will never contact as she knows he will not repond to her and that would just cause her pain and me satifaction.

What you actually want is for her to be upset by the return of the cds but how will you know that? If she just ignores you how would you feel? What if she were to then write you a note saying something like - thanks these really did mean a lot to me at sometime as i know they did to your h, so thanks for allowing me to have them, i will treasure them always and will always think fondly of your h when i listen to them?

If your h knew just how much anger they were causing you what would he do? He may not want to suggest anything for fear of upsetting you because he is thinking of the cds (even if it is to bin them).

And do stay on MN - when i first started posting i asked for some good revenge stories (for me to fantasise over) i too got the reation to grow up and get over it.

There is a time when you just want to have those wicked evil thoughts about getting even and really knowing that the ow is suffering. I believe that is normal and so do allow yourself the time to do this. Believe me you do get bored of it and can even laugh about it one day too.

Whatever you are thinking is ok, dont let anyone tell you otherwise. But i do understand that you feel a bit abnormal and need others to tell you you are not going mad.

Actions are a different thing - they cant be undone or forgotten, so do make sure you are happy before you do anything.

And remember the word 'dignity' - you have it in spades at the moment.

Thanks all - I have had a word with dh. Apparently (didn't know this till now) but her H made her call my dh after the final email as she was suspicious I had made him write it. Apparently dh told her things like he could never see her again, even with mutual friends, nor did he want to. She was saying all sorts of things about me stalking her (???!!!) which he knew wasn't true as how could I with dcs in tow and when they were deff at football lessons etc. So he was very p'd off with her for most of it. Arent men stupid - if he was more willing to speak to me and tell me stuff like this we could have avoided all the CD hassle altogether.

ahhh, good decision by you to not get tied up in silly situation to send cd's back then ?

she would probably have found some way to turn it back on you, for example by telling her H you were "stalking her" again

stoopid men, he should have told you this in the 1st place

Bad news is I just found a handmade notebook from her home country she gave him. Dead giveaway as it has the county's name souveneir (sp?) style on the front "But she gave me that years ago!" he said when i added it to the Oxfam pile. So that's all his good work undone then [FUME].

< fuming for you >

but it doesn't change anything does it?

if you are satisfied there are no more revelations, then by all means be angry and pissed off with him, but at some point you will have to make a conscious decision to start letting it all become history