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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Affair - stirring or not?

87 replies

UghNo · 28/01/2009 12:04

Okay, bit new to this but need some advice... my dp had an affair with a woman at work last year. They work at a school (she was his class assistant) and he had just left to go elsewhere, so it was over the summer holiday after - mostly it was texts and declarations of love / wanting to be together forever on email plus long phonecalls when I took dcs to sports. But once her H went away for the night and they went for a drink and ended up sleeping together at hers, then he came home, looked guilty and I searched for and found the texts.

I can honestly say we had no probs with our relationship before, went out together lots without dcs, had sex, were best friends too. He'd said he had a crush on her before but I thought it was nothing serious - we used to talk about things like that so they were out in the open. Anyway, five months on I have found some cds she gave him. he says he never intended to sleep with her but she asked him to come and get them from her house that night as a present and that's how they ended up sleeping together as she started kissing him and he made a bad choice etc etc blah blah the usual...

After I found out he moved out for several weeks to get his head straight about why he'd had feelings for her and if he loved me enough but eventually came back, though only after a 2 week blip when she started texting again and he replied. I found this and asked him to finish it or I'd never take him back and so he sent her a final email. I asked to see it before it was sent but he ignored my suggestions and did things I was really unhappy about like sign it 'love' from and told her he really cared about her and hoped she'd find happiness though he had to go back to us as too much hurt had been caused etc. Her H meanwhile had gone nuts and was threatening him / harassing him online - not death threats or anything, just silly posts on his blog and facebook requests so more annoying than anything.

In Dec my dp told her H finally he was going to get the police in if he didn't stop, which it now it has. DP also now realises it was a midlife crisis or something and deeply regrets nearly throwing everything away. Trouble is, I really, really want to get rid of those cds because of their significance and how to do that is causing endless trouble. Although dp has sent her H emails saying he doesn't love her, doesn't want to hear from her and that it was a massive mistake, he never sent anything like that to her directly (though I'm sure her H has shown them to her, but knowing it was meant to prove stuff to her H it won't have the same effect). So though dp is happy for me to take them to Oxfam I really, really want to post them back to her - at work, so it doesn't wind up her H - to show dp doesn't want any reminder of her in our home and they now have no romantic significance. Dp thinks she'll tell her H and the harassing will start again, though if it does I've said I'll deal with it. Am I being unreasonable in wanting to send a message and prove a point here?

OP posts:

prideandprejudice · 28/01/2009 13:09

Sometimes you've got to do what you've got to do! Maybe give it a day and see if you still feel the same tomorrow?

KingCanuteIAm · 28/01/2009 13:12

I would think, either it was a signal from him that he wanted to get in contact again (because it would come after a gap in contact and also after her H had backed off so all the pressuer is off)
or I would think that his wife was making him do it and (possibly) be a bit smug that I was still having such an effect. I might even extend it to thinking that the wife could be prompted into leaving (as she is still so angry) which would mean I could have your H all to myself.

Either way, don't do it. You are stirring trouble for yourself, you are attaching importance to things rather than her and her behaviour (not to mention your H). Any signal you send her will be taken however she chooses to and that could be any way at all, it is not controlled by how you intend her to see it. Your H has proven that he will not write what you want to her so a note is out of the question.

If you are happy with your H and you are going to make it work with him, let it go. Her behaviour was bad but it is the problems between you and your H that need work - spend your energy where it is beneficial.

doggiesayswoof · 28/01/2009 13:13

IMO it's irrelevant what effect sending them back will have on her or her DH.

You say you want to send her a message. But you've already sent the most powerful message you can - you are back together with dp and contact with her has been cut.

I agree with others that sending the CDs will seem like contact from him. Yet another goodbye.

I would follow Dior's advice and wait 6 months.

Original poster

UghNo · 28/01/2009 13:52

I think with waiting 6 months it would look weird and really like a reminder when all has been forgotten, better to get it out of the way asap. I would have sent them back earlier if I'd have thought of it, I just kept seeing them and getting angry / confused without thinking what I could do about it. Likewise, dp is happy to send her a letter or even call her and tell her he wants nothing to do with her (well, he offered a month ago) but I'd never let him as that really would be trouble, especially since it has gone quiet. I've just spent the whole time keeping out of it while the other 3 of them raged, wailed and fussed and now I want to say something! Do you think that's wrong?

OP posts:

doggiesayswoof · 28/01/2009 13:56

But the point about the 6 months is that you will probably find that you don't want to send them at all after 6 months have passed. You will have moved on.

If you have stayed out of it up to this point, why do you want to do something now it has all calmed down? I still think just bin them, if I were you I wouldn't want to keep seeing them.

KingCanute said it - you are attaching too much importance to the CDs.

SoupDragon · 28/01/2009 14:07

I think most people here have advised you not to do it or not to do it now. If you're not going to listen then just go and do whatever you want.

SoupDragon · 28/01/2009 14:09

So, your DH offered to send a ltter but you'd "never let him as that really would be trouble, especially since it has gone quiet." If it's all gone quiet, why on earth do you want to stir it all up again (and it will stir it all up again).

SoupDragon · 28/01/2009 14:10

Bin the CDs and then get on and live your life with your DP. That will say everything that needs to be said.

moopymoo · 28/01/2009 14:18

I really hear from you that you feel there is unfinished business between you and her - you never had the opportunity to rant and rave at her and let her see how awful her behaviour was. However, Imo sending back the cds would give some of your power away to her. It says that you and your dh still think about her and that she still has some influence in your marriage - not what you want her to think Im sure.

AnyFucker · 28/01/2009 14:19

lady, I'm sorry for your trouble but I don't understand why you are asking for advice as you clearly have no intention of taking it

do what you want, against the majority of opinions on this thread

but don't be surprised if she thinks this is a cue from your dp to start up their affair again (you also have no idea what was actually communicated between them when they finished it, I guess you only have his word for it that there was not more to it eg. promises made etc)

beansontoast · 28/01/2009 14:19

i reckon the reassurance that you are after needs to come from your dp...it sounds like the 'final email' he sent left some loose ends.

HolyGuacamole · 28/01/2009 14:28

It sounds like you want some sort of closure that you did not get when your DH finished it? It wasn't 'closed' to your satisfaction because he was finishing the emails 'love from' etc etc.

Personally, I'd bin them. Sending them to her might stir up some form of communication....maybe subconsciously that is what you want so that you can gain the type of closure that you wanted from your DH?

I dunno, that is just a guess?

Original poster

UghNo · 28/01/2009 14:31

Look, I don't know why some people are being downright nasty in their tone - I just want to get to the bottom of what might be thought if I did it and tried to explain why I think what I do so people could unravel it. I have apologised for being dense in asking so many questions, I just wanted other opinions on it and to have another point of view to think about. I won't post again - this is my first post and a friend recommended mumsnet as she said people are usually kind, understanding and reasonable. I did nothing wrong, it was my dp that had the affair, not me. Sorry for asking and thanks to those whose advice was thoughtful and constructive, not challenging and able to make me feel worse about myself and everything than I already do.

OP posts:

AnyFucker · 28/01/2009 14:41

you got the opinions you asked for and people told you what they thought of your idea to open up some form of contact with this woman, I for one think it a terrible idea but you seem determined to do it

my post acknowledged that

and absolutely nobody tried to imply you were at fault for your dp's behaviour

Original poster

UghNo · 28/01/2009 14:56

Look, having said my last post was it, I did have the intention of coming on to say thanks to those who suggested lack of closure was the problem, which I expect it is... not something I would have come up with on my own so thank you. I have no idea what to do about this but I will think on it. Anyfucker - I don't want to single you out as it wasn't just you but there are ways of putting things and ways of putting things, IYSWIM, especially if you are feeling very upset and vulnerable about something. You made a lot of assumptions and your tone actually had me in tears, believe me I have done enough blaming of myslef in this and why would I post if I didn't want to listen? As I said, I'm now not coming back (I only did now to thank those that were helpful) so that's it - please try and be a bit kinder to people who are upset and posting about emotional things if you can?

OP posts:

clumsymum · 28/01/2009 15:05

Bin them, get them out of the house, and for Gods sake, MOVE ON.

If the business between your h and other woman is finished, it's finished, you are perpetuating the whole thing, and keeping the wound open by fretting about these CDs. By digging out her address, parcelling them up, going thru all that, you are just picking at the scab.

In your shoes, I'd read this, go and put them straight in the bin, and resolve never to mention them again.

If you can't you are perpetuating the damage in your relationship, and ultimately, you will bring about it's end.

HolyGuacamole · 28/01/2009 15:07

Ughno - I know it is hard but try not to take things personally on here. Sometimes we read things in a different way to which they were intended. You/or anyone, might read something as being nasty or abrupt, when that was not the intention. Plus it is just some peoples style to quickly type a couple of direct and short lines. Honestly, I don't think anything on here is meant badly towards you at all. Another thing is that when you've been on MN for a while, you do tend to develop a rhino skin.

Don't let it put you off coming on here because MN is jammed full of fantastic people who are funny and have great advice, including AF.

(PS: I don't know AF, I just recognise her (and other peoples) posts as being straight to the point and at other times very witty)

noddyholder · 28/01/2009 15:09

She will think you made him send them back because you are still threatened by her.Bin them

dhreadmythread · 28/01/2009 15:29

I really know how you feel - I am in the same situation- I haven't said anything to her. I haven't told anyone, not even our mutual friends (yes she WAS a friend of mine)

I feel like I need to say something, but reading all the above posts tells me I am right not to have done it.

It's hard, it's horrible but if you are going to make your marriage work, I think you just have to suffer this pain and anger and hopefully it will pass.

Bin the CDs or do something symbolic like bury them, or smash them, but don't let her know how much you have been hurt. As another poster said- that would give her some power.

sittingbythephoneforaweek · 28/01/2009 15:34

Bin them. I think you only want to send them as a final act of revenge and it's not because "dp doesn't want any reminder of her in our home and they now have no romantic significance" because as far as I can see he has held on to them and so they do have some significance.

Just bin them.

sittingbythephoneforaweek · 28/01/2009 15:36

"I just want to get to the bottom of what might be thought if I did it and tried to explain why I think what I do so people could unravel it"

I think she would see it as contact. it would be a bad idea.

Why would your husband be writing the address?

AnyFucker · 28/01/2009 15:46

My apologies for coming over as harsh. It was not my intention to hurt you.

The advice I gave you would be what I would give to a friend in real life who was contemplating making a big mistake (but only if she asked for it, like you did). If she decided not to take that advice, that is up to her and we wouldn't have to agree.

I see no point in coddling people along and pretending to agree in case you upset them.

I hope you stay on MN, but you really will need to develop a thicker skin if you ask for honest opinions.

AnyFucker · 28/01/2009 15:47

hg, thanks

thatsnotmymonster · 28/01/2009 15:58

I know why you want to do what you want to do and your reasoning is sound.

HOWEVER most affairs are not rational and people having them do not think rationally. If she is desparate for any contact from your dh she will take that as a sign. Even if she uses it as an excuse to say to him, 'Thanks for sending the CD'S back love x'. People in this situation are often addicted to the affair and it does not take much to get it rekindled again.

Pleas don't do it. Bin them.

SoupDragon · 28/01/2009 16:00

I also had no intention of upsetting you but, like anyfucker, I'm not in the habit of coddling people along.

Just remember that, at the end of the day, you won. She lost.

As I also posted "Bin the CDs and then get on and live your life with your DP. That will say everything that needs to be said. "

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